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Old 12-05-2005, 09:29 AM   #1
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littlegal HB User
Unhappy Need help to get over jealousy and bitterness.

I have posted this before - but still am having problems. I am a stepmother of a wonderful little girl. I have been in her life for 4 years and I have been the actual "mother" to her. Her bio mom was not around and not much of a mother until now. When it's her weekend to see her - the mom buys her toys and takes the child everywhere she wants to go. She actually spoils her to no end!! Of course the child is eating this up!! My concern - which I don't want to be selfish - I am glad the bio mom is now in her life and trying to act like a mom but I am scared the child will not like me anymore. Her father & I don't spoil her and buy her everything - we show her the love, the caring, keeping her in good health and basic needs of food, shelter, etc. I am withdrawing from the child now because I have a fear that she will want to be with mom now because she buys her things. I don't want to push her away but I can't get the stupid thoughts out of my mind and my negatively is affecting my life. Any pointers??

 
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Old 12-05-2005, 04:27 PM   #2
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manazoid HB User
Re: Need help to get over jealousy and bitterness.

i have a little bit of advise for you. I to am a stepmom of 2 wonderfull boys. I have been for 12 years now. I understand your jelousy because I to felt that way at times. My stepsons have cystic fibrosis and required alot of time on their disease and i felt like an outsider alot of the times because i never wanted the boys to feel like i was trying to take over their moms role also i never felt as though i could never be as close to them as their mom. Their mom had alot of problems with drugs etc and talked very badly about me alot of times but i never responded back. I would only talk highly of their mom when they were over. Anyway i know how you feel about backing of from her but i have to tell you. you are the stability in her life that she needs and she may not see that now but one day she will. kids dont need presants and toys and trips to make them happy they need love and stability. My one stepson is 19 now and he and I are very close. My other stepson passed away 6 years ago and I have learned the hard way that you can never be sure of how long the people you love will be in your life and dont waste time being jealous spend your time loving her and doing all of the same things you have been doing and you will reap the rewards of her love and respect even if you have to wait a few years to get it. Anyway im sorry i kind of went off in different directions here but i hope i helped you.

 
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Old 12-06-2005, 07:51 AM   #3
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littlegal HB User
Re: Need help to get over jealousy and bitterness.

Thank you Manazoid!! You don't realize how much your response has meant to me. I do try very hard not to talk bad about her mother infront of her. Behind closed doors - well, that's a different thing!! I do hope one day she will see me as the stability one and she will grow close to me - I guess I feel like I'm the one correcting her all the time and the bio mom gets all the fun. Thanks alot!!

 
Old 12-06-2005, 05:52 PM   #4
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Re: Need help to get over jealousy and bitterness.

your welcome littlegal. I know how hard it is to be the hard one and watch the other have all the fun. My stepsons mom used to call my husband and me to come down to her house and dicipline them for something they did wrong then she always came up as the good one. She would set no boundries for them but instead made us have to be the bad guys. I promise she will grow very close to you and love you for setting limits. Its just tough waiting for that day to come. have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Maybie he can handle a little more of the dicipline for a while and give you a chance to reconnect with her. stepmom is the hardest role anyone has to step into because we are never the "real mom" but in alot of ways we are. and there is no such thing as steplove. We love these children as if they are our own but then have to take a backseat role to alot of things. Its really tough but always remember that you are doing the right thing for her and it will pay off in the end when she grows up to be a happy healthy adult and you can know that you played a big part of shaping her into that person.

 
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