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Old 01-12-2006, 08:45 AM   #1
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bren7 HB User
Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

Sorry this is long. Please I need some help/advice here with my DD.

My DD is 14. She is near failing or failing her most of her classes (this is not new this has been going on for a couple yrs). She started cutting classes. She is friends with a bunch of kids that are drinking and/or doing drugs. That I know of she is not drinking or doing drugs. She was at her friends house about a year ago and was drinking at her house (I just found this out) supposedly this is the only time. She has a cell phone so that we know where she is, she can call if there is a problem ect. Well she has takin the cell phone to new levels. She is making calls at work (then wonders why her bosses are giving her crap). She is making calls while in school. The newest is staying up all night or most of it on the phone (even though she has school the next day). She seems to get her self grounded all the time. Everytime she gets off grounding within a week or 2 she is grounded again. She hates being grounded but she wont follow the rules.

A little background:
My ex and I separated when she was 6 months old, My DH and I have been together since she was 11 months old, married going on 12 yrs. We have done everything in our power to get along and give her a good live and to show her even though relationships dont work we can still be friends. She was living with me and my DH until beginning of September(I will get back to this part). She was with her dad atleast 2 days a week and up to 3 weeks during his vacation and he comes over to visit us just about 3-4 days monday-friday. The problems is my DH and I are strict we punish and stick to the punishment(horrible I know), we are disciplinarians to her (well thats what it seems like, we only have her during the week, not alot of fun stuff happens during the week), my ex will let her do her thing (If she is grounded at my house she goes there and is ungrounded), its like the circus by him he doesnt discipline..its likes go shopping and go have fun. Examples.... Here, she has a bed time, her no phone after 9 pm, no going out on school nights, be home 9:30-9:45pm on weekends, I try to teach her to be responsible, I want to know where she is (the list goes on). At his house, she can stay up all night, she can go out on school nights, she doesnt have to be home til midnight on weekends, he is teaching her to be irresponsible, he rarely knows where she is.

We just couldnt handle it anymore, things have been building and building for so long, things were really bad here so I sent her to live with her dad (he lives across the street) it was only supposed to be a week, 2 weeks at tops she lived with him, he was supposed to help straighten her out ( he has made this monster). Well this is now January she is still living with him. She is getting worse, the things she is doing wouldnt be happening if she lived here. I can't have her back here til she straightens up, I have 2 other kids here, I dont want to endanger them. My 9 yrs was starting to pull some of the B.S. my daughter was, we couldnt get him to stop when she was here, not long after she went to her dad's, we were able to stop my son from doing the things she was doing. My youngest is 17 months old, I dont fear as much any more that he is going to choke on her stuff (when she lived here, she thought her bedroom was a huge garbage can, I was always on her to keep her stuff high off the ground, she wouldnt). We dont want the our other kids to turn out like her, or think they can pull the same things that she is.

I love my daughter please dont get me wrong, I just dont know what to do to help her. I cant just sit back and let her do whatever she please and slowly destroy herself. I feel bad for her, she is having and going to have a bad teenage yrs. I want her to be able to go out with her friends and have a good time. But some of the things she is doing I cant look passed and let it go, I do let alot of things slide that arent huge, she doesnt even realize I know some of things that I do know. She has even admitted to me that.. she hates the fact that she cant wrap me around her finger like she does with her dad... and that I know things (what she is doing, what her friends do/doing, when she is lying ect).

Oh I should mention...nothing seems to be working. We take things away (tv, phone,video games), I talk til I'm blue in the face, grounding her. I even when as far as, well if you arent going to try in school then you can do work here, here is math, and write definitions to words, ect.... Now my ex ,after sometime of letting DD go wild at his house, is realizing the monster he has created, and doesnt know what to do either.

There is so much more still.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and hellping me
Bren

 
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Old 01-12-2006, 11:27 AM   #2
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summertyme HB User
Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

I think you are going to have to take EVERYTHING away. Have you tried removing EVERYTHING from her room except a mattress, bedding and one outfit of clothes? Then have her earn things back one item at time by good behavior. I wouldn't recommend this treatment for a 4 year old, but it sounds right in line for a 14 year old.

Also, cut the cell phone off immediately. Maybe she can earn it back at some point in the distant future, but she doesn't need a phone in her life right now.

It's unfortunate that she has a split home-life, but if you can't get her father to work with you, then there's nothing you can do except go to court and try for full-custody.

Just a few ideas. I hope this helps. Good luck to you!

 
Old 01-14-2006, 07:52 AM   #3
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ImTheLucky1 HB User
Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

Ok, first of all in most situations of divorce there's a good guy and a bad guy.
The "full time" parent is the one who makes the kid clean their room, take a bath, do their homework, etc. The "part time" parent just wants to spend "happy" time with the kid- go to the mall, stay up watching movies, whatever little sweetie wants. That parent want's to be the friend.

You didn't say what discussions you've had w/ Dad about all this. Is he up to/ ready for the challenge? If so then the first thing that needs to happen is if your DD is being punished it should be at both homes. No questions ask. To be good parents (emphasis on the "s") you have to have a combined front.
Secondly- TAKE AWAY THE PHONE! Cell phone are a priviledge, not a right. If she isn't doing any thing to earn it she should have never gotten it to begin with. You said that she has it so you know where she is- well, I don't mean any harm, but that's your job. If you can't call her at little Suzie's house then she doesn't need to be there. Be the parent- at 14 yrs old your DD should not have this much control over her life anyway.
You said that Dad has done this.... it takes 2. You have already allowed this behaviour to go on. Now you will have to reverse it. Sit down as a family (you, DH, Dad, and DD) and discuss the fact that there will be a change. (And while this is a family discussion, remind DD that her vote doesn't count)
Explain to her that she has been allowed to many freedoms and she has taken advantage of them. So she will have to earn them back and only to a certain point. Some things will only be given when she is older. A 12:00 curfew is for a 16 yr old- not 14. If her friends are allowed to behave this way maybe she needs new friends.....
Kids need boundaries. I am speaking from experiance. Not with my own kids but myself. At the ripe old age of 12 I was out of control. I went to live with my aunt. She treated me like I was..... 12. I hated her guts for about the first 2 mths I lived with her. I was given chores, a bedtime, no phone after 7, no boys could call after 6, the list goes on and on. She was very strict. But living with responsiblities and on a routine was better for me. My friends changed- the "outlaws" I had been running with didn't want anything to do with me any more. My new friends were better. I knew that I could rely on my aunt to punish me if I didn't do what I was supposed to. I also knew I could rely on her to be there for me and to reward me for improvement.

So- get with Dad and have a plan. And stick to it. It will be hard but when your DD grows up she will realize you did the best for her. And if she doesn't at least YOU will know you did what was best.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 06:40 AM   #4
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bren7 HB User
Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

Hello Summertyme and Imthelucky1,Thank you for your advice

When she is grounded from the cell phone she can still make calls to us, just not to anyone else, I know for a fact that during the times she is grounded she isnt calling anyone else. I mark my calander when she is grounded and when the phone bill comes in I check it (we get itemized bills).

I have full custody of my daughter, he has visitation. I make the decision when they can see eachother. I didnt want to separate them, keeping them from each other. I always thought my DD needs her dad, and he should be a big part of her life. Maybe that was wrong on my part, but that is why I allowed every weekend, all vacations and any other time he got off, plus he comes visit during the week.

As for convo's between and ex and I, we have them all the time, he always says we have the same views on the matters, then when its just them, he doesnt. My ex lives with his mother (I still call her mom), I go over there to talk to my DD or her father, if he is napping and she isnt home, mom will talk to me and tell me that her son has to get tougher on DD, that he lets her do her thing ect, she has tried to talk to him but he gets pissy and she figured its not her place, I tell her she can discipline her ect.. DD is living under your roof, you have every right to have her follow rules at your home, she'll tell me that she doesnt think her son will be happy about it, I tell her if he has a problem he can come talk to me then. He isnt punishing her right, he wont stick with a punish (when she was living here), but he has no problem not speaking to her when she has made him mad, for instance, last week we found out that DD had cut a couple classes and there were a few other things she did, his idea of punishment was...he yelled at her and told her to get out of his face he didnt want to look at her or speak to her, he didnt speak to her for 2 days. Sorry but I dont think that is right.
He isnt on the same page of discipline and I am. When DD was living here, I'd ask him to talk to her or I'd tell him about things she was doing, he wouldnt talk to her up to a week and a half later, and when he did talk to her, it was "dont do it" and he was done. Now that she is living with him, he is dealing with the same BS that I was, and he doesnt know what to do. But he swear that there are not to different set of rules, and that he is doing everything we talked about ect (I see it different, his mom tells me different).

I was talking to the school social worker (my daughter talks to her) last Friday, tring to figure out what to do. The social worker doesnt even know how to help us.

My DD does NOT see what the big deal is with cutting classes and or why she is being punished. I explained its truancy and you have to be in class ect..

 
Old 01-16-2006, 07:49 AM   #5
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Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

It is time to crack down hard! She is going to hate it and maybe hate you, But no one is going to protect her except you. She is still too young to know how to protect herself (in the situations she's putting herself in) Her dad doesn't seem to get the big deal, so it is up to you, mom.

You have to get tough with her dad. YOU have the custody, so YOU make the rules. You aren't asking him to do anything outlandish, you're asking him to help keep your daughter on the right path. If he can't do that, then no more visits until he can get it straight. You want them to spend time together, but not if it's going to affect her life negatively.

Take the phone away! You can get a phone that will only have your number on it so that she has it in case of emergeny and so that you can get a hold of her.

Keep grounding her and stick to it.

Don't take offense...but I would bet money that your daughter is either drinking or doing drugs or both. Maybe she isn't, but that's usually what happens when you hang out with friends like that.

Trust me, I WAS your duaghter. I did everything your daughter is doing. It started when I was 14. Grades went to D's and F's. Skipped school almost everyday. Hung out with the druggies. Did drugs and drank. Slept around. And didn't see what the big deal was...because it was thrilling, I felt cool and I didn't know any better.

The result, I was grounded for almost two years straight with slight breaks in between. The rule...1st mess up, grounded for 1 week. Screw up again before that week was over, now it's 2 weeks grounded. Mess up again, 1 month. Another class ditched, 2 months. At one point I was grounded for 4 months straight. No phone, no friends, no nothing! And the worse part was that I was a total b***h to my parents the entire time that I was stuck at home with them. But they were a rock. Everyday I had to have EVERY teacher sign a sheet of paper saying that I was in class and if I was tardy or not. At the end of each week I had to have EVERY teacher sign a sheet of paper saying what assignments I had turned in that week and what my grade in the class currently was. I hated it, I hated being labeled a "bad" kid. And I hated my parents for doing it to me. But it worked! Almiost every single person I hung out with dropped out of school, went to jail, got a lovely drug habit, etc. I ended up pulling my grades back up to B's and A's. I went to college. I graduated with honors. I have a career, a great husband and two wonderful kids.

My folks knew that I wasn't a bad kid, I was just doing really stupid, bad things. They did everything in their power to help me, and that's what you need to do too. You have to do everything in your power to help your kid. That's your main job above everything. Take it all away and when she starts to earn your trust back and act like a responsible considerate person she can start to get her life back, but she screws up again...it's all gone again. It may take years, it's going to be hell on you (my poor parents are still telling stories 14 years later) but it's what she needs. Don't give up or give in.

I wish you luck...she WILL thank you one day.
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"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:21 AM   #6
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ImTheLucky1 HB User
Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound to me like YOU are willing to make the effort either. If Dad is such a bad disciplinarian (sp?) then MOVE. As long as she can just run across the street and act like a hoodilum she will. Every thing you do will be immediatley reversed. Would you let someone treat your daughter like this if it wasn't her dad? Most likely not. So what you took the phone to only emergancy calls? At this point I'm sure she cares less if you get the bill at the end of the month with other calls on it. What are you going to do about it? TAKE THE PHONE AWAY! If it's such an emergancy she can use someone else's phone. I'm sure you found away to call home when you were a teen. This is ridiculous. TAKE CONTROL!!!!!!!

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:49 PM   #7
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Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

I take the view that discipline is futile in these situations. The only way your daughter will recognize her errors is through personal experience. Restricting her freedom will only agitate the situation further. She sees you not as the voice of reason, but as a mere impediment in her life. You're the thing in her way.

Let's say you restrict her at home. You stop her from seeing her father. How will she behave when she's with her friends? With a boy? Or anywhere for that matter that doesn't allow you to dictate her actions?

Sit down with her and talk. Give her mature advice. Be concerned, but at the same time realize that she has to figure it out for herself. There's nothing more harmful at this point than strict, cold punishment. What kind of irrational behavior could arise from that? Have you considered?

I was rebellious at that age. I even grew my own pot and shoplifted a few times. I was bad. Of course, my parents were drunks, and they were away most of the time. It wasn't that they didn't impose restrictions upon me, but that, when they weren't there to enforce them, I did not care to obey them. Eventually, through a series of painful experiences I reformed. Your daughter needs to change her life sincerely, and not only because her mother will force her to do so.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 06:14 AM   #8
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ImTheLucky1 HB User
Angry Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnhq
I take the view that discipline is futile in these situations.


The only way your daughter will recognize her errors is through personal experience.

Sit down with her and talk. Give her mature advice. Be concerned, but at the same time realize that she has to figure it out for herself.

Eventually, through a series of painful experiences I reformed. Your daughter needs to change her life sincerely, and not only because her mother will force her to do so.
What? This is a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL! This is not an intervention on an adult. Leave her to her own and it will lead to her demise. "Eventually, through a series of painful experiences I reformed". Yeah. Your post name is johnhq so you're a guy, correct? Did you think about what this girl's painful experiences might be? Getting pregnant, being raped b/c of the company she keeps or (God forbid) suffering from a drug over dose. That is definitely the wrong approach to "learning the hard way". Learning the hard way means that there are consequences for your actions--- like having to spend a week in your room alone. Not spending the next 18 yrs paying for that night you got drunk and slept with some guy.

Look, bren7, I'm sorry for being so harsh but do what ever you have to do to make this CHILD understand the she is NOT a grown up. You have already said that it makes her mad that she doesn't have you wrapped around her little finger like she does her dad. I am in total agreement with the poster that said you should clean her room out. Nail the window shut if you think she'll sneak out. She is still young enough to make a difference. Don't wait until it's too late.

Just a note here that I didn't add earlier that maybe I should have--- remember I told you about moving in with my aunt? Well, I lived with her for right at a year then moved back in with my dad after my parents divorced. I was only home for about 2 mths before I was right back where I started. Shortly after that I had my first sexual experience- I was NOT a willing participant. Because my father took the "what can I do?" approach I didn't say anything to him about it. I figured that he just didn't care enough about me so what difference did it make? I spent the next 2 yrs sleeping around. When he did finally find out that I was having sex, know what he did? Put me on birth control. Boy that was helpful. Now I could REALLY sleep around and didn't have to go buy a pregnancy test once a month. I didn't take the pill regularly so I suffered through 3 miscarriages. I was fortunate enough that I didn't have a baby until I chose to but guess what? I still have a lifelong reminder of the way I behaved as a teen- I have herpes. Do you want this for your daughter?

Again- Take control. Be the parent. She will realize one day that it was the right thing to do. Consider this- Maybe she is really just acting out. Maybe she wants some one to take control for her. She may know that she's out of control but doesn't know what to do about it. It's much easier to tell your friends "my mom's being a *female dog* and I can't do anything" then to try to tell then that she's realized they aren't the kind of people she wants to hang around with.

And here’s an idea for how to handle Dad: Print this thread and let him read it…..
Maybe having other’s opinions will help him to see what is going on a little more clearly.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 08:43 AM   #9
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bren7 HB User
Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

Thank you all for your advice and much needed input.

Well there is no miracle cure to this, I really wish there was. I know things have to change. I wish she would learn from her mistakes, but she doesnt, she keeps doing it over and over again. I swear its like she want to be punished. I guess I'll just keep on her like I have and do what I think/feel is the best, and hope for the best.

The encouraging part is... that in the long run (which is hard to see now) she will learn and turn out fine.

Thank you again, you all have helped me put things in the right perspective, I have some thinking to do, some talking to my DH and ex and figure out the right course of action. I know it's going to be a long, hard, bumpy road ahead of us, I am a bit hesitate, but I'm up for the challange.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 12:34 PM   #10
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Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

Bren7,

I just want to piggy back off of Imtheluck1. I have a 17 year old daughter. We went thru this same sort of stuff when she was 13. When she was not doing her work at school, I went to school with her. Sat in every class. 13-15 was very tough for her. She's not a woman, she's not a little girl. tough tough age. She is yearning for guidance from you. You ARE NOT her friend. You are the parent and it is very hard to be the bad guy, but so what, its hard. This world is looking to eat her up and she needs to learn the skills to make right choices. We striped my daughters room, even took down the door and she still does not have her cell phone. She does not have her license due to bad decision making. She has to earn her stuff back. People will say we are strict, but you know what, due to the "earn your privileges" she is not on drugs, she is not pregnant, she is not dependant on boys for her feelings of self worth. I drive her to where she needs or wants to go, I call parents, I show up unexpected, and I praise her when I catch her doing things right. I tell her I'm proud of her when she makes right choices and I TELL her that she can do and be anything she wants to be. I know this is long and my point is that you have be tough to save her from herself. You are the only one who can do it and she needs you to do it.

One last thought. While I was being the "b***ch of a mom , I sent her to counseling so she could have someone to talk to about stuff and "have someone on her side". I hope you stay in touch and let us know how its going. You are not alone. I'll keep you both in my prayers

 
Old 01-20-2006, 01:32 PM   #11
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summertyme HB User
Re: Please I need some help/advice about my 14 yr old DD

I was not EXACTLY like your daughter, but I would have been if I had not had very tough parents keeping me in line. Thank God my parents kept me home and out of trouble for most of my teenage years. I too was a complete ***** to my parents, and recently told my mother to forget everything I said to her before I was about 25! It's your job to make sure she gets through this and you can't just hope she'll get help from the school counselor or (even more unlikely) will just magically wake up one day in the near future and see the error of her ways.

 
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