I am getting very fed up with my mother. I have a 10 month old daughter and my mom still has not come to visit. She lives 5 hours away by car. We have a good relationship, so it's not that we don't get along and that's why she hasn't come up. She has no problem with driving.
She has had a rough year. Her mom and good friend died. She has also had some small health problems. I know that adds to the reason. But the truth is that she has also had many months where nothing was going on and she felt fine.
I am trying to put myself in her shoes and be sympathetic, but I can't shake the feelings of hurt. And I feel that there is always a reason why she can't come. We have gone to visit her once when DD was 2 months old (because we wanted her great grandmother to meet her before she passed.) But it is much harder for us. 2 kids turns the car ride into 7 hours. We both work full time on opposite days. She doesn''t work, so she can leave whenever.
I keep asking her to come in a casual way. Not telling her how I feel. I don't want to come off as selfish. Plus she is a very strong woman, except with me. I can seem to bring her to tears over nothing. And the last thing I want is to make her feel worse. I'm sure that she probably feels bad already, though she hasn't said anything.
My dad who has to fly 3 hours has come twice already. The other grandparent live an hour away and are always over. I want her to be a part of my kids' lives and get to know them. And I want her to see my daughter before she's no longer a baby.
She was such an awesome mom. And was so excited for me to have children. But she is really making a lousy grandma for both of my kids.
What do you guys think?
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh
My mom sounds a lot like yours. My mom cannot make any commitments when it comes to travel plans. I have not lived in my home state since I got married 2 years ago. I have no family or support system in the last state I lived and now since we moved again. When I was expecting my son to be born I practically had to twist her arm to get her to fly out for his birth. Her first granchild plus I was only 21! It has been almost two years since then and she hasn't come out to visit. She doesn't work or anything so it isn't like she doesn't have time. I have flown out there 3 times despite not being able to afford it.
Maybe she thinks you should come and see her? I think that is how my mom sees it. It is really hard to be casual and act like nothing is wrong when it is. This past month my husband and I kind of re-did our wedding cause we didn't do anything the first time around. It was a special occasion and she knew it was important she be there but she found an excuse not to come. It was quite sad considering my entire husbands family was there even those who had to travel came. So I know where you are coming from. My mom, like yours never says anything. Keep inviting and making suggestions and let her know you really want her to be part of your daughters life. I really could have written your post myself! I am sure she cares but is letting her personal reasons and problems in her life get in the way. If the situation doesn't improve maybe you should tell her exactly how you feel and be nice about it of course. Goodluck!
You say she's had two very important people pass away this year. Any chance your mother is depressed? If she's not getting out and doing things, even to the point of not seeing her own grandchild, my guess would be that.
Maybe you can subtly ask her if she's been to a dr. lately. Ask how she's feeling, etc. You say when you talk to her she's starting to cry. It may be worth looking into.
I think you should, and with a baby I know its hard, but go see her alone. Something may be bothering her that she does not want to discuse with anyone else. If she had you face to face and alone and no interuptions, you may get down to the problem. You say the other G. parents come all the time. See if one could watch your children while you take a couple of days, a week-end. It could ease your mind, finding out if something is wrong. If she was my mother I would give her a couple of my days to find out. Losing two people you love is a devasting event. I know, I been there, had a bad experiance. Go visit her alone, you could probably use the break anyway.
You have to accept things. My mother is a good grandma but there were other issues which really hurts me. You not gonna change the person at this age, she may also go through elderly age mental changes.
Just wanted to give an update. I sent my mom an e-mail with a picture my son drew. She was really impressed. So I used it to bring up a visit again. I said, "before he really becomes an artistic genius and goes off to art school at the age of three, you need to come and visit" Then I said I really want you here and I want you to see the kids while they're still little. Well, she's coming to visit on Friday...yea!!! I hope her visit goes well. Thanks for all of your support.
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh