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Do you think this is unreasonable?

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Old 01-28-2006, 06:45 PM   #1
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shelliam HB User
Do you think this is unreasonable?

Hi everyone, I have a question and just need your opinions. I am a mother of 2. I have a DS 2 1/2 yo and a DD who is 7 months old. Neither of my children has stayed away from home except one holiday we went to an aunts house overnight when DS was about 4 months. The only family I have is out of state and my in-laws which are 10 minutes away. They will not take them over night. DS begs to stay and cries but she fears he may not sleep well and will have to deal or call me which I am not opposed to. I know they are my children and totally my responsibility but I also think it should be a grandma thing to take them every once in a while. It hurts my feelings because I lost my mom when I was 7 months pregnant with DS and she had a crib and everything for him just for her house. Am I expecting too much from her?

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Old 01-29-2006, 08:12 AM   #2
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ElfieNLynx HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

Personally I don't think its unreasonable, you do deserve a break from time to time.
I'm fortunate, my mom literally lives right next to us and takes my son so I could go to school or whenever I need a break. Most of the time my son rather be over grandma's then over here with my husband and
My husband's family on the other hand when they lived around us rarely took our son for the day and never did he sleep over. My MIL was watching 7 grandchildren, which I understand in itself is hard but my son was never included. That hurt.

I could see if you inlaws have medical issues that can be a problem for them to watch the children, like having bad hearts or some other physical alliment that will put harm to them or the children. In a case like that,well thats understandable, but if they don't, then I don't see a problem with them taking the children for one night so you can relax.

You or your husband should talk to them and explain that you need a break once in a great blue moon. Give them a solid plan and assure them that there would be no problem with either of you coming to pick up the kids if it doesn't work out. How would they know if they don't try, right?

Don't feel bad, I felt the same way. I always and still feel that my son is my responsibility and I feel really bad if my son seems to be spending too much time with my mom, I never wanted to be one of those mothers that just throws her children on realitives ALL the time. My SILs are all like that and its not right. But honestly once in awhile isn't a burden, just talk with them and maybe they'll agree.

Old 01-29-2006, 08:44 AM   #3
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summertyme HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

This all comes down to your expectations being disappointed. I think its unreasonable for you to EXPECT anyone-even relatives-to gladly take care of your children for you. If my daughter-in-law told me "I expect you to take care of my kids so I can relax" that would tick off.

There's no harm in ASKING, but if they say no, you shouldn't take it personally. Not everyone is up to taking care of young children. I wouldn't pressure your mother-in-law to do something she doesn't feel up to doing--it will harm your relationship. If this issue is brought up at all, your husband should do the talking, because if it comes from you she'll probably resent you. Your mother-in-law is not the same as your mother--I expect a lot more from my own mother than I do my mother-in-law.

By the way, my oldest child is 5 1/2 and she has spent a total of 3 nights alone at my mother's house (2 of which were when I had my other child)--my mother does look after my kids during the day sometimes (maybe 3-4 times a year), but I am always there at night to put them to bed or take them home with me.

Old 01-29-2006, 09:09 AM   #4
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shelliam HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

I don't want to harm my relationship with her whatsoever. I guess growing up in my family where my mother took my cousins for days and grandmas, aunts and uncles took us for days and it was great. I suppose I just wasn't raised to think that it was an issue so I am sort of put off. He's a really good kid and I guess it wouldn't be a break for us really because of the baby. I would probably worry the whole time too. The reason I would like this to happen is I think it would be healthy for him to learn how to stay there or other family members.When I had DD she stayed at our house instead of her house which is 3 miles away from the hospital.I did speak with my DH and he said that he stayed at his grandma's very rarely but his aunt would take him for a couple days until she had her own children. I figured that was because it was a 2 1/2 hour drive.

Old 01-29-2006, 01:17 PM   #5
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suthrngrace HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

I too come form a very close family and as a child spent a lot of time with my grandparents. It was such a treat to stay with them. They would take me for a week at a time in the summer months. My husband's family is much different. My FIL called my son by the wrong name for almost the first year and no longer speaks to me, because I finally forced the issue. We traveled over a 1,000 miles one way to see them and my FIL was too busy to travel 45 minutes to meet my son. We live far away from both families, most of his family could care less, and it tears my mom up to be so far from my children. I do not think you are wrong for your expectations, or in being disappointed. It is unfortunate that they choose not to act like grandparents and enjoy their grandchildren.

Old 01-29-2006, 01:39 PM   #6
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shelliam HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

I don't want you to think they don't they love my children, they do very very much. Grandma is my sons favorite person on earth and she spoils him with anything a child could ever want including her undivided attention. My only issue is them letting my son stay with them for an evening or a day trip. She will take him to her house if I am working sometimes but is usually back w/ DH before I get home.I am really sorry to hear of your in laws though. I would be very upset in that situation too.

Old 01-29-2006, 11:37 PM   #7
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fifistoosh HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

I know where you are coming from!
Both sets of grandparents will look after my children if I ask them to. What I would like is for them to ask to have my children because they want to spend some quality time with them, without having me around to get in the way. Is that how you feel too?
It did take my husbands parents around 4 years before they built up the courage to let them sleep over. they liked the fact the children could talk and ask for what they wanted or told them what was wrong without them having to guess.

Try a bit of emotion, if it upsets your son so much, get him to tell gran how he feels and that he would like to stay. It keeps you out of the picture then.

Old 01-30-2006, 07:57 AM   #8
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Kiera1595 HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

It all depends on the person. My In-laws will take my 2 kids (who are about the same age as yours) no problem. They've taken them for 2 nights in a row before. But my parents...forget it. Maybe your in-laws are uncomfortable right now due to their young age and will get better as your kids get older. My mom would never do it, at least not at this age. My dad said he would (he lives out of state) but after his last visit he said the kids would need to be older before he and his wife thought they could handle it.

I know it's hard being in that situation. I say ask again. Like other posters said, tell them that you really need a break. You are fine with picking them up if something goes wrong, so that should comfort them if the baby just won't fall asleep or something. Hopefully once they do it they will see that it really isn't that bad.

I wish you luck and hope you get the break that you really need. It must be especially hard after losing your mom. I'm sorry.
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh

Old 01-30-2006, 01:54 PM   #9
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shelliam HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

Thanks, me too.

Old 02-01-2006, 07:11 PM   #10
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Dani Girl 78 HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

I know how you feel. But the person that doesn't want to watch my 2 boys is my mom. The one that loved to have them at any time was my mil. But she died 2 mths ago of pancreatic cancer. My mom will watch them every once in awhile. She will keep the 3yr old over night but not the baby (he is 11mths). It's sad that she doesn't want to spend more time with them, but I can't force her to and you can't force your mil to either. Maybe when your kiddos are older she will feel more agreeable to them spending the night. Have you asked your husband to talk to her and tell her that you 2 could really use a night with out the kiddos, but if there are any issues that arise you will be there no matter what time it is.

Good Luck

Old 02-06-2006, 09:46 AM   #11
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TeTr01 HB User
Re: Do you think this is unreasonable?

Every parent needs a break at some point, so it's great to have family close that are willing to help out. I've always had this... I've never had to pay a baby sitter if we've wanted to go out & dd's slept over her mamie's & great-grandmother's (grammy Vi). I think it's fine, plus she gets plenty of interaction with other ppl. I think my dd is & always has been such an easy going child b/c she's around different ppl a lot & learns different things from everyone. She has fun sleeping over with family!

It's sad that your MIL doesn't want to take them over night... but maybe when the baby is a bit older.... I can see how she might worry if something could happen. Ask her to do a trial run... you guys go out for dinner or something & have her try to get them off to bed & come back w/out the kids knowing & you sleep over, too, w/out them knowing just in case so you are right there so MIL won't worry. Esp if you're only 10 mins down the road, I really don't see what the big deal is to just try.

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