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Old 02-12-2006, 09:24 AM   #1
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Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

Hello everyone, I'm a big fan of this board and have used it for a few years now for all types of issues. I wanted to post a problem I've had lately, so maybe someone else might have some better idea of what I should do or how I should approach this.

I got divorced this past year... the ex-wife and I have been apart for about seven months now. She had an affair and did a few other 'not-so-nice' things to me around the time of the split. Anyway, it was very-very hard on me.

We have two little girls, ages 5 and 3. Wondeful kids. I was the one who stayed/worked at home and took care of them from the time they got up to the time they went to bed. Mom worked in an office 8 to 6+ daily.

I strugged with what happened to me... then around November I met a girl at my youngests daycare. She had been working there for years, so she knew my little one. My 3 year old LOVED her. I asked her out and our first date was right after Chirstmas, even though we talked/flirted (so to speak) for a month leading up to that date).

She is a wonderful woman with a 8-year old girl. Her daugther, also knows my little one and loves to play together.

I waited a few weeks for them to actually see each other as friends. And only as friends. The past couple of weeks we would 'kiss' goodbye, the few times my girls were around when they were.

My girls LOVE to play with hers. They ask if she can come over... much like many of their other play friends.

Well, my ex-wife (who has split custody) is now making issues over this. Saying that she doesn't want this woman to be around my girls... period. Nor her 8-year old daugther.

I wasn't happy about this (meaning stressed). My GF loves my girls, since they somewhat had a relationship before we even talked about dating.

Anyone have any thoughts? Both my girls are great. The teacher at my oldest prek school says she is doing wonderful and is ahead of most of the students in class. Her only problem has been the seperation from one to another parent which has been going on since day one.

I am just really stressed out about all this. I was finally happy.... and feel like I found someone after all these hard times, that I could spend maybe the rest of my life with and now the ex is trying to ruin my life again (I feel).

Again, it's been seven months since we split up.... so what to do?

THANKS!

 
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Old 02-12-2006, 09:40 AM   #2
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

I should also add... our 'typical' date with all the girls is her and I sitting on the couch, talking or looking at old photos of each other/yearbooks waaaaay back when while the girls play VTech (an educ. video game system) or barbie.

She has NEVER spent the night here when the girls are here, nor would I even do that.

When my ex threw a fit (came over to my house to confront me when she saw my GFs car parked outside my home), my GF and I were on the couch looking at our old high school yearbooks when the girls were playing Candyland right in front of us.

 
Old 02-12-2006, 10:51 AM   #3
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

What is your ex's justification for saying that she doesn't want your GF around the kids? Is it just petty jealousy?

If so, you should spell it out for her: She can no longer dictate to you who you can see. She's probably been in control of your feelings and doesn't like the fact that you are moving on and she can't tell you what to do. It sounds like she's playing the "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you" game.

For a long time, she's been able to control your feelings. If she wanted you to be happy, she could make you happy. If she wanted to punish you, she could make you sad. Now there is someone else in the picture and she doesn't like the fact that she isn't the one pulling your strings. And she's using the only tool she has left to control you. The kids.

If she can't come up with a good reason why your GF shouldn't be around the kids, ignore her. What can she do about it anyway?

Last edited by mitpatsmom; 02-12-2006 at 11:26 AM.

 
Old 02-12-2006, 11:39 AM   #4
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

First, thanks for replying.

She thinks that it's causing confusion among our oldest and that she 'sees issues at her house'... yet, I see NONE at our house. In fact, this morning my 5-year old wanted to go to lunch with my GF's daugther, who I think believes is a play friend.

I don't know, I just turned out to have married a very mean person who only looks out for #1.

 
Old 02-12-2006, 03:37 PM   #5
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

Everything about divorce is confusing to a child. There is no getting around that. You shouldn't have to avoid relationships because your child won't understand. Most kids understand a lot more than you would think.

I think it's important to not let the ex make waves with the new GF. Sounds like you deserve to have someone nice to be with, don't let a bitter ex-wife mess that up for you. (That is her intention, BTW.)

If she can't be more specific with her concerns, just chalk it up to the ex being un-happy to see you be happy. It's her problem, not yours.

Last edited by mitpatsmom; 02-12-2006 at 03:39 PM.

 
Old 02-12-2006, 09:08 PM   #6
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

First of all, most women are teritorial by nature. Look at how we even fight each other for some guy...... so dumb.

Secondly, your wife is probably:

1. Acting in a "defense" mode.... don't allow my children to get close to that woman or my children may forget me.
2. Genuinely concerned about confusing the girls.
3. Jealous that you'd moved on so quickly.
4. All of the above in one big package of fear.

I can post all sorts of probabilities, but IMHO, the best thing to do is to sit down with your ex-wife in a neutral, quiet, kid-free place and take the time to calmly discuss what's concerning her and assure her that nobody would ever replace her as the girl's mother. The subject of your girlfriend will come up and don't loose your temper or get defensive, just state the facts. Dealing with the ex is never easy especially when there are children. And between all of this, make sure the girl's best interests are always on the top of the list because the divorced is caused by you & your ex-wife, not your children.

Been there, done that, I understand what you're going through from a woman's point of view.

Good luck.

Last edited by Administrator; 04-11-2007 at 10:03 AM.

 
Old 02-13-2006, 01:30 PM   #7
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

I totally agree with Fabat40. You need to make sure that the stresses that go along with new relationships do not affect your girls. You sound like a reasonable guy; a little bitter from being hurt; but genuinely interested in your children and I commend you for that. I think you should speak to your ex and the two of you need to talk calmly about how life goes on and how it would be best for each of you to work together to explain and support the emotions of your children. You each need to remember to never speak harshly of the other in front of your kids regardless of how steaming mad you may be at the other one. And let them know that it's okay to have other people in your lives with out them having to feel guilty about liking these people in fear of hurting their parents. Reason this through with your ex and try to make her see it like that. Your children should not bare the burden of the broken marriage and that's what will happen if they are made to feel torn between mom's friends and dad's friends. Good Luck

 
Old 02-14-2006, 02:29 PM   #8
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bisha HB User
Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

God I am going through the same kind of situation but i am the girlfriend in the picture so I feel very sorry for you ~ I have found in this situation that using the kids is one of the only ways that the ex has left to try and get back at you and its very very sad especially when your kids seem like they are doing as good as they can be doing in the divorce situation. My advice is to put the ex in her place in a stern but nice way. Letting her know that you are trying to do the best for your children and you would never do anything to out them in a emotionally harmful situation. Thats really all you can do- you sound like a great and caring dad by the way!! Good luck

 
Old 02-15-2006, 06:20 AM   #9
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

On Monday, we went to a counselor about our oldest (my ex thought she needed it). So day one was just the ex and I. I find it really odd, because during our 'split' and when I found out about the affair, she REFUSED to go to counselor. I begged her for the sake of our family to go... but she didn't want to, not caring what effect it might have on our girls.

But now, oh.... she's ALL FOR them! Geez.

Anyway, I felt I was gang tackled, so to speak. The counselor agreed that it would be best for the girls to be in ONE home the weekdays and the other during weekends. NOT what we agreed on with the split custody (we go 15 days each per month now).

She also said that (she, meaning the counselor) that it's not a good idea to bring in someone else into their lives now... and don't recommened it until we are about to get married. In fact, she said they now say it's best to wait until they are at least Juniors in HS before getting remarried.

***?!??!!?

My girls are 3 and 5!!!!!!!! Accord to this counselor, I should wait freaking 13 years?!??! So I can be 45???

My GF is really upset with all of this. She really does care for my girls, wants to see them, because again, she knew them before we really even thought of dating. My girls get upset when she doesn't get to hug her when she leaves. She has pictures of the at her home

I do understand that the theory is not 'yanking' another love away from them if we broke up/if this didn't work out... but wouldn't that be the case now if they stopped seeing her? What about any random friend that they have? They have had GREAT friends move away, and both girls never had any problems with it.

I just feel I'm being pushed out of their lives. We moved down to this town because my ex-wife wanted to live closer to her family. But it was a clear plan to leave me... I helped paint her home, fix the bathroom leaks, all the time she was cheating on me and waiting 30-days to file for divorce in our new county. Now, my girls spend hours on end with her parents each week. I just feel like a 3rd party.

Example: Yesterday there was the V-Day parties for my girls, at Pre-K and Day Care. At the Day Care, my little one was so happy to see me (and my ex). Then my ex's dad shows up (He was taking her after that party because it was my ex's day and she had to work, of course). Now, I'm the 3rd person in the picture... my little one would almost rather see 'Papa' than daddy. Same goes for the "Nana".

It's great they get to spend time with their grandparents, but for now until who knows when I'll always have to be 'sharing' or 'competing' against my ex-in laws.

 
Old 02-16-2006, 05:53 AM   #10
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

Was this a board certified counselor, or one that councels through a church or social service? I find it hard to believe that you are expected to not remarry until the kids are in high school. That doesn't sound realistic.

What about the ex? Does she have a relationship with any other guys? Is she willing to put her social life on hold that long? Not to sound mean, but she couldn't even hold off while she was married. She's not going to do without now.

You sound like you have a lot of common sense and you want to do what's best for your kids. If she's having trouble with them and you're not, that sounds like she's doing something wrong. Don't let it effect your relationship and go with what you feel is right. Many people go through divorce, get new relationships and remarry and the kids do fine. (My sister's kids ended up better off when she remarried.) Just go with your gut and the kids will be OK.

 
Old 02-27-2006, 04:35 AM   #11
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Re: Need some thoughts (my kids with my girlfriend and her kid)

mitpatsmom, yeah... this lady is one. I think she was going 'by the book' on a perfect world case with children. Personally, I don't think we give kids enough credit sometimes.

Anyway, yes... my ex has dated. She had dated at least four people, including the one she had the affair with. But I don't know what contact if any the kids have had with her men.

The woman I am with now is a total 180º from my ex. She is the sweetest person I've been around. I don't even know if she could get mad (knock on wood).

Last edited by Administrator; 04-11-2007 at 10:08 AM.

 
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