I'm a stay at home mom so I know that's my full time job. My husband goes to work and brings home the money. So I don't know if I'm in the right for thinking maybe he should do more. He is a restaurant manager and has off tues. and wed. and doesn't go into work till 4:00p.m. on thur. and Fri. He does work doubles all weekend. He's never given her a bath and he never puts her to sleep. He'll get up with her every once in a while but for the most part he gets home from work late and stays up late winding down from work and then sleeps in the next day. He'll feed her sometimes. I'm just wondering, is that normal or should he be helping more?
I expect very little help from my husband. He works about 80 hours a week and makes a good living for us, and that is enough for me. The only thing I ask is that he stay home with the kids every so often so I can go to the doctor. He is self-employed, so that is usually no problem. My husband got up maybe once or twice when they were babies, but he worked a lot less then. He has never bathed them and I nursed them so he didn't really feed them until they were eating table food. I expect him to interact and play with the kids (they're 2 and 5), but I wash them, feed them, take them to the doctor, and do pretty much everything around the house--cooking, cleaning, washing, taking out the trash, taking care of pets when we had them, etc. I also do some work for the business, for which I receive pay, but my husband doesn't really expect me to do things to bring in money.
We each have our own duties and it works for us. If my husband worked less he'd probably help out more.
I tend to go back and forth on this subject. Hubby works full-time and I don't expect him to come home and jump right in to cleaning and chores. Most of his time at home is for winding-down. That isn't so bad for me. I dont work so I cook, clean, take care of the pets (litter boxes, food, clean cages) I get the groceries and take care of the kids. He works at 3am so I get the kids to bed at night, as he goes to bed around 6:30 most evenings. Also, if our 3 year old wakes up, I will tend to her on those nights. I mostly don't mind it but get overwhelmed if he is making gigantic messes. I can handle cleaning up stuff from the kids but my husband can be a slob. Luckily, that is my main issue, so no big deal.
Only problem right now is that i am sick. First I had mono, now the worst flu I've had in years, and I spent several days in bed this week. Hubby actually picked up the slack quite a bit and didn't complain about it at all! Always communicate, and try to do so without nagging or whining. I've done that at times and it gets you NOWHERE. You need to let him know that you appreciate how hard he works for his family but maybe he could do a couple of little things to be more a part of the household? Try to be positive about it if you need help or have concerns, and his response will probably be much better than if you confront him negatively.
I can totally see both side of this.
My hubby is a police officer and works crazy shifts. But I do think when he is off he should help me out around the house with the kids. I don't get a day off to relax.
Depending on what shift he is on I usually don't even see him or does the kids.
When he pulls doubles forget it.
When he is home he will watch 1 kids while I am giving the other a bath or watch them if I gotta change the wash or something.
I sometimes feel like he thinks he doesn't have to do anything cuz he works OUTSIDE the home. When he does get off of work or on his days off for the most part he just lays around the house watching TV or messing on the computer while I am running around and playing with the kids .... Umm hello he could play with them also.
I don't know.....I think he needs to get more involved.
All I had to do was read the title of your post and my answer is yes. My husband also works in the restaurant business. So I know those crazy hours. He usually comes home at 1 am. Works 10-12 hour shifts 5 days a week. The slight difference between you and I is that I also work part time in the morning.
I know how it feels when your husband works very hard. But we both feel that this was OUR decision to have these kids so we both do as much as we can to help each other out. Our rule is that if you are home you are helping, either with a kid or if the kids are under control the other is cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a slave driver. If either one of us needs a break or to go out all we have to do is say we need a break. If you feel like you need more help, or if you are feeling any resentment about having to do too much then you need to tell him how you feel. Don't be afraid to ask him to do more. If you're ok with the way the childcare is working in your house, then that's great. Being a stay at home mom IS the hardest job in the world. I did it for 9 months and it almost broke me! I am amazed by all women who can do it. Not only are you taking care of the kids all day by yourself, but you are also stuck in the house most of the day with no adult interaction...that's the really hard part.
Just listen to your heart and be open with your husband. Don't feel bad that he's "working" and you're not. If you need more help, ask and he'll most likely do it. It's if he doesn't want to help that I would raise my eyebrow.
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh
My finance basically tells me that he provides the money for the family and that is the most important thing, and that I should get a job outside of the house also and actully help him out. He barely does anything around the house. Makes messes, and expects to lay around and watch TV or read the paper. He has never given DS a bath and he is 2.5!
It's funny when I read this he sounds so terrible. He really thinks that he is the nicest mose caring guy in the world.
After reading some of these posts, I guess I think my husband does a lot. He leaves the house at 7:30 a.m. and takes our oldest to kindergarten, works all day and comes home around 6:30 p.m. He always cleans up after dinner or gives the girls their baths. One of us does clean up and the other the baths, usually. We both put both girls to bed each night, he has one the one night and I the other and the next night we switch. Now that I am having baby #3 in May, I assume he'll take both girls to bed. After they are in bed he works on his laptop to finish things he didn't do at work. I then work at my part-time job for about 2 hours.
He has no problem with me leaving for a girls' night and on those nights he takes care of most everything. He does most of the meals on the weekends. Mostly because our daughters love making a big breakfast with Daddy and that is their Saturday morning "thing". And also because on weekends we are more likely to use the grill, so he's cooking again.
On Sunday mornings he gets the girls ready for church while I'm getting ready and then I take over when I am done so he can get ready. (I've been pleasantly surprised with him even making their beds before I get to them) We finally worked that out over many stressful Sunday mornings.
I completely take care of all the household work, well the inside work. He does all the mowing, raking of leaves, mulching etc. He does not, however, clean a thing in the house, go grocery shopping, or pay the bills. He will straighten up, but does not pick up a dust rag or vacuum. If I ask him to fold a load of laundry he will, but I don't ask that often. He will ask how to turn on the washer if he needs to use it. He leaves his clothes at the end of the bed each night, which I pick up every morning and put in the laundry. He also leaves his brush and a couple other things out in the bathroom. That stuff use to annoy me, but not as much anymore because I do know that he does help out and it could be much worse. He loves us dearly and would do anything for us. We live a nice life because of his hard work. And most of all he does acknowledge what I do, which I think makes a big difference. He always thanks me for dinner, tells me to rest, tells me what a great job I've been doing, or tells me he couldn't do it without me. All that goes a long way.
My hubby works full time. He has to be at work at 7.30 am so he is up at 6. I'm a sahm (not really by choice, but it happened). He is the one that gets up in the middle of the night if the baby wakes up. I take care of the boys (3 and 1) and most of the house work. But I expect him to help out and he does. I believe that we have a 100%/100% relationship. Sure he works outside of the house, he gets a pay check, he gets a paid vacation and sick days. He is at work until 4 pm and then his "work day" is over. Being a parent, you never get to punch out and go home. I don't get a vacation, or a pay check. I do get to enjoy watching my babies grow and I get to enjoy the pb and j smeared all over the couch (lol). I AM their mother, I AM NOT his. He washes his laundry and he picks up (some times) after himself. I fully believe that just because he is working outside of the home and brings home the bacon doesn't mean that he doesn't need to help with the children or with the house. Sorry to say but this isn't the 1950's where dinner is on the table and it's "Hello dear, how was your day?" I appreciate all that he does for us, and I know that he appreciates me.
If you need him to help you out then you need to ask for his assistance, he helped make the baby, so he needs to help with raising her. Money isn't the only thing that a child needs.
Last edited by Dani Girl 78; 02-16-2006 at 09:29 AM.
You said he has off 2 days a week and goes in at 4 pm other days. When do you get that many hours off to sit around and do nothing? Its not fair and he should do more. My husband goes to school from 8-5 everyday and I definately make sure to remind him he needs to help. If I don't ask my husband to do things he won't. Luckily when I ask him to he doesn't argue or complain and he will do it. My biggest pet peeve is my husband isn't the most neat or organized. He makes messes, doesn't put his things away, and that gets really annoying. I always remind him that he gets to see his friends all day everyday at school and eats lunch with them everyday. I deal with a 2 year old all day everyday by myself. I also do housework (which I hate) and make most of the meals (which I don't enjoy either). So while he may gripe about school I have my share to complain about too. It is his kid and he needs to be more involved. The only thing I really ask is for my husband to load the dishwasher after dinner, clean up after himself, and give our son his bath, and put him to bed every now and then. In a perfect world he would do these things every night but I usually end up doing it! But if there is an effort that helps. Maybe you should leave your child with your husband all day long when he has a day off so he can understand how you feel. I wonder if that would inspire him to help you more.
As another poster mentioned it is important to make sure your husband knows you are a mother to your child NOT to him. My husband was implying that I should make his lunches. I told him I already do your laundry and clean up the house which he fully contributes to getting messy/dirty. There is no way I am going to pack him a lunch like I would a child. He learned these things from watching his mom. Who believes a husbands only duty is to work and the woman does everything else. (which is ten times worse than working full time) this I know from experience. I would much rather work full time and not have to do anything else than deal with the stresses of staying at home. So don't fall into the old fashioned ideas either.