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Old 02-16-2006, 08:12 AM   #1
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Good Morning all I have been here before and just need to vent and see if anyone has any further suggestions on how to deal with my 14 year old and some problems that are occurring of late.

She's a brilliant, beautiful young lady and I cannot believe what is happening lately. She started a new school in September (by her choice mainly). We had two homes one of which we used the past two summers and it turned out that our daughter loved the area and made lots of friends and was overall happier in the community where our summerhome was. In checking into the rating of the school comparatively to the school district she has attended since Kindergarten the ratings were as good as if not better than her other school. Also, there were little over 100 students per grade level compared to over 800 in the other school, she would be starting her freshman year of High School and we saw the over all transition would be good across the board. At the school she was in at the time she was having some social issues, of feeling unpopular and having a hard time with other girls and the competitiveness and seemed to be happier and thriving better with the friends she had made in the summerhome community. She was active in the theatre group during the summer and was eager to make the change. Our older daughter decided to finish up her Senior year of high school out of state residing with my brother in the hopes of having a better chance of getting into a college there that she has her heart set on. And so all across the board we saw these changes as being good for the entire family and as a perk for my husband & I we would decrease the financial burden of holding onto both homes now that we woiuld not longer have the need to. Our other home is now on the market to be sold and for the most part the transition and changes have gone well until most recently.

My 14 year old had a wonderful 1st quarter....she made high honors and was moved into two honor classes. She made a lead in the school play and made lots of friends. Most of her friends are boys......she has 8 close boy friends and about 3-4 close girl friends. As a matter of fact the first time she brought her new friends to meet us 8 boys walked in the door and my husband and I introduced ourselves, greeted each one by name and at the end we asked our daughter if she had any girl friends . My daughter is so social and it didn't surprise us that she had so many guy friends but we encouraged her to make more girl friends as well. Now it seems to be evening out more and she pretty much knows every kid in her 9th grade class since the school is so small.

In the 1st quarter we got a phone call from her English teacher saying that our daughter was easily distracted, talking during class, socializing to the point of disruptng the class but that her grades were excellent. She decided that our daughter's problem was probably due to not being challenged enough and she wanted to move her into her honors class. Since doing so things have improved and there have been no problems. This second quarter my daughter lost the lead in the play due to missing rehearsals. Ended up she missed one to go to a school basketball game in which the director says she was back for her part but was also in the hallway at other times with other cast members on the phone or socializing. Granted he said she was always there on stage for the part of her lead he still felt it warranted her losing the lead. We had known about the basketball game but our daughter did not inform us of the phone calls & so we couldn't really come to bat for her....granted she lost out on some singing opportunities for not being around when assigned we felt it was unfair for her to lose the lead that she WAS there for. But as I said....we couldn't stick up for her because she shouldn't have been in the hallway or on the phone when rehearsals were taking place whether it was her part on stage or not and told her it was a learning experience. She made apologies and did end up having a few parts in the play afterall.

At about the same time her 2nd quarter marks came in. Her grades dropped.....one subject was a grade we NEVER saw in her entire life......surprisingly she was still on honor roll despite it. We shared how she needed to concentrate more on the grades, that these were the years that would count and that the one subject's grade needed to come up. She also has a boyfriend now who is a 10th grader. We met him and sat them both down saying that we were uncomfortable with our daughter dating at 14, it was still a little young and that our older daughter didn't date until she was almost 16. We told them both that we were open to them spending time together with close supervision, that they would be welcome to spend time at our home and once I knew the boy's family more and was guaranteed that they would be just as supervised our daughter could spend time there as well. I told them that they would not be permitted to go anywhere alone as a couple....that if they were to go to the movies we would be open to them going as a group but not alone. The boy understood and shared that his mom was the same way and had gone out on his sister's dates with her until she was 18.

My daughter was told that we were not comfortable with her spending time at the boy's house as of yet. I had spoken to the mom on the phone & she understood this. The boy lives with his mom and grandfather....my daughter asked to go over the boys house last weekend when the grnadfather was home and I said no but that the boy could come over to us...which he did. The very next day she was caught lying and had gone to the boys house without informing us telling us that she was at school for extra help. She of course was caught and told that she would not see her friends boys or girls, call them, IM them for a week for her dishonesty.

I met with my daughters guidance counselor 2 days ago for scheduling next year and was proud to see that she would be enrolled in all honors classes, that each of her teachers had signed off on it even the one with the lowest grade who said her recommendation would be contingent on her doing as well as she did in her first quarter. We were thrilled with this & told our daughter how proud we were of her.

Meanwhile, yesterday, I had a call into her Spanish teacher for her grade. My daughter had a 99 average last year in Spanish and when this new school was working out of the same text and my daughter was complaining about the work being repetetive and there being no advanced course available I asked the teacher at open house in the beginning of the year if she would take that all into consideration and offer her some enrichment activities so she wouldn't be bored. Turns out my daughter's grade went down a grade and a half and when I spoke to her on the phone she informed me that her grade was because of behavioral problems. She told me how my daughter was brilliant and got 100's on everything but she had given her 5 zeros for classroom behavior, had sent my daughter to her office to collect tissues and found that she had taken the answers for the next test from her desk, and had gotten a zero on her last test because she had written in Spanish on the bottom of it something that translated to two of her male friends having sex on the beach. She said she gave my daughter 5 day detentions of which she made 3 of. I asked the teacher why she had not informed us of the behavior prior to this she admitted in retrospect that she should have and apologized. I told her if she had we could have worked with her in addressing the problem and perhaps improving her academic and over all behavioral performance. I told her we would speak to our daughter.....and asked if there was anything she could do to to bring that grade up still....she told us that our daughter is aware of a few things that she could do to boost her grade up even retroactively for the last quarter since they have 2 weeks to do so.

(to be continued) ~ Goody

 
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Old 02-16-2006, 08:27 AM   #2
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

(continued) Sorry this is sooo long....I really need to get this out so bear with me

Yesterday we discussed what we had been informed of by her Spanish teacher and how disturbed we were to hear that she was stealing answers to a test and writing such vulgar remarks on her paper. We told her that for the midwinter break next week that she would be working on the extra credits to get her grade up and asked her why she stole answers to a test. She said it was so she could do well....I told her that she was able to get 100's on her own and that there must be more to it. She wouldn't elaborate. We told her she would have to make up the detentions and do whatever it took to apologize to her teacher and reestablish trust.

She ran away last night....was missing for an hour and a half and her boyfriend's mom called and told us that she was there. We got her home told her there was no running away from problems and that she had Spanish work to deal with. We also told the boys mom that she was punished next week and after that all their interactions would need to take place at our house until we had our daughters trust back. I informed her of the incident when our daughter went to her house without our permission. She told us that she was not home then and that her father (the grandfather) is dying and just went blind!!! Now I knew the decision to not have my daughter going over there with just the grandfather home was the right one!!! He may be there but he can't even see!!!

Last night while using my husband's laptop to do her Spanish homework I reminded her that she was not to use IM. Our main computer is down and she had a "my space" that we had her get rid of. While at the library the other night I caught her signing on to it despite telling her that she could no longer do so (we had gone over the growing concerns of this site and it's safety with our daughter). Well last night when I went to check on her I saw her closing up IM. I asked her if she was using it....she said no. I told her that I could check the history and if she wanted to be honest and she continued to deny going on. I pulled up the history and showed her that it was noted that she was on today on that laptop and her signname was right there in front of us. I added another week onto her no friends for lying and told her that each & everytime she was dishonest I would continue to do so....that lying & cheating WOULD NOT be tolerated in our home!!!

This morning when I went to print out the extra credit for her Spanish class I came across a saved IM in which my daughter conversed with a boy in the most horrific sexual nature.....there were 20 pages of this going on. It is too embaressing to even mention here....I was shocked and mortified. My husband & I confronted her and told her that there were problems, that she was throwing her life down the gutter with both hands,....that we loved her and that this had to stop....that her life was out of control & that as her parents we were taking control of it again!!! That we loved her and would not watch her continue to live her life in a destructive manner. I informed her that we are going to set up counselling to figure out what is going on, that we love her too much to allow her to give up on herself or to sabatage her life in such a way. that together we were going to get her life back on track and figure out a way to do it. That for now until we did, that we had zero trust and until we gained it back we would monitor her life closely. We told her that she would be driven to & from school. That she would wake up & eat breakfast each morning....which she often skips! That I would be speaking to her guidance counselor and each of her teachers today to ask them to work along with us to make sure that she was doing her best. And that they would be asked to inform us of any behavioral problems and of all progress academically until she was able to do so herself. That she was to go to scholo with a binder, pen & pencil and no pocketbook, ipod, cellphone etc. That she would be treated as a kindergartener until she showed us that she was of a 9th grade level. How that went and how long it would take was entirely up to her.

We are going to give it the next two quarteres....if things do not improve we will entertain moving back to the other school if need be.

I would appreciate anyone's input here......I feel as if I have lost my daughter but that there is still a chance to save her. A few weeks back I woke up sobbing after having a dream that I was at her funeral with her casket and all....it was so real and now that I think about it it's almost as if I have lost the daughter I have known but I feel that I still have that chance to save her. What do you all think??? Am I doing the right thing??? I actually feel relieved finally now that I have taken back the control of my daughter's life that seemed to be going totally out of control. I feel like I have a plan finally whereas before I felt as if there was nothing I could do and all there was is upsetment. I feel as if I am ultimately giving my daughter control over how her life will go from here on out....if she acts responsibly she will be be treated and given the priveleges of a 9th grader...if not she will be treated accordingly. It really is up to her how good or how miserable her life is going to be.

I appreciate your reading this lengthy post!!!

Also....I am a bit concerned about my daughter's apparent promiscuous sexual writings on her Spanish paper and IM's. I am from experience aware that such behavior could be indicative of sexual abuse. I don't know if anyone else has that feeling here but thought I would ask how you would suggest I handle that or if anyone has any further comment. Thanks for listening, everyone ~ Goody

 
Old 02-16-2006, 10:50 AM   #3
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Dani Girl 78 HB User
Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

OK, I don't want to make you feel as if you are jumping way ahead of yourself...but...I understand that you are concrened and that you aren't used to this kind of behavior out of her. She is 14...a teenager. She is becoming aware of her sexuality and she is curious. Have you had the sex talk with her yet? You are saying that you are losing your daughter and the whole dream thing about her dying...it's not like she is out having sex and doing drugs and hangin out with gang bangers. She is an honor student and she is rebelling against the rules that you and your husband are trying to enforce...what teen hasn't done that? The whole school and grade thing is now she is popular and she has that to think about and not just her school work. There seems to be quite alot of pressure on her to do her best. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but too much of anything can be bad. She still is only a kid...let her enjoy the time that she has. Soon enough her life will be filled with much more important things.

She should be punished for lying and for running away...those things are unexceptable. The rest she could be doing for attention....

 
Old 02-16-2006, 07:58 PM   #4
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Hi Goody! Buckle your seatbelt for another ride on the roller coaster! Do you think the problems have anything to do with the boyfriend? Has she given you any clue as to what is going on in her head? I had read in another one of your posts that she was missing big sis alot. Do you think that has anything to do with it? Maybe it is just a combination of sis leaving, changing schools, and getting a new boyfriend. Maybe she isn't as mature as she thinks she is(like every teenager I have ever known!) and it is all too much to handle.All of these changes would be hard for anyone. But she may not have the maturity to realize that's what is going on.

I know the other poster thinks that it is just rebellion, but after getting to know your family some through other posts, I don't think that is it. Something is definently going on. Is she communicating with you at all? Or is she being resentful over her punishement? Maybe the new school isn't going as good as you thought?

I wonder about the sexual content. It really didn't strike me as crying out from sexual abuse, but you never know. I would keep my antena up on that one. Kids today are just so sexually explicit. Did I word that right? Do you understand what I am saying? You always here on tv that the teen chat rooms are filled with that kind of thing. I sub alot and some of the things the younger ones say just amaze me! I don't remember my friends and I being like that and I am only 34!

I think you are doing the right thing. I would not let her out of my sight. If I had to I would go to school with her. She may resent you now, but in the long run she will be grateful for what you are doing. I think your dream represented that you sensed something was going on and you are afraid of losing her. I don't mean by death either.Take charge now. If you don't it may be too late! What does your husband think? You are an AMAZING mom and you will make the right decisions. I know it can't be easy though. I will be praying for you!

Cristie

 
Old 02-16-2006, 09:43 PM   #5
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dani Girl 78
OK, I don't want to make you feel as if you are jumping way ahead of yourself...Have you had the sex talk with her yet?
Thanks for your response. And yes we have had the sex talk...she knows my history we talked about the emotions that involved with girls and how boys are less emotional when having sex....that it shouldn't be taken lightly and should be something to wait on until you are emotionally ready to take it on. We also discussed the consequences like STD's, unplanned preganancy and how to avoid such things. We have talked about it many times....since she was 11 and got her period. We talk very openly about such things. The IM was degrading and extremely slutty and vulgar with no respect towards herself or sex. That is what I found most disturbing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dani Girl 78
...it's not like she is out having sex and doing drugs and hangin out with gang bangers. She is an honor student and she is rebelling against the rules that you and your husband are trying to enforce...what teen hasn't done that?
Well Dani Girl I have an update. Today after calling her teachers and their commending me on caring so much I got a knock on the door by a CPS worker. Apparently my husband & I are now being investigated for Child Abuse. Our 14 year old daughter stated that a scratch on her face was caused by me hitting her (which is a lie) and that she is afraid to come home becausee we are beating her.....that she was hit last night when she ran away (which is made up as well) and escalated to her being pulled out of bed in the morning and kicked in the butt and thigh leaving bruises. When we discoverd the IM this morning which had things saying lick my neck, then my stomach and then my pu$$y my husband did pull her out of her room and said that she was now in "Boot Camp" and Sgt. Mom & Sgt. Dad were running it to get her butt downstairs. He gave her a kick in the butt to get her moving and we admitted that to the CPS worker and everything that was true explaining that our daughter wanted out of our house because she has been caught lying, at her BF's house when she is not allowed, stole answer sheets from a teacher at school etc. and is not allowed to see her friends for a week and cannot be trusted. I told her that she was not being abused and that the scratch on her face I noticed a few days ago and she stated it came form running into the open door of her armoir. So......we now have a 14 year old abusing the system and are now being investigated for false allegations from further lying on her part. I am confident that things will be okay but I am so humiliated that we are having to go through all of this. So perhaps your advice may be different????

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dani Girl 78
She still is only a kid...let her enjoy the time that she has. Soon enough her life will be filled with much more important things.

She should be punished for lying and for running away...those things are unexceptable. The rest she could be doing for attention....
Yes she is only a kid who needs to take responsibility for her actions. The misery she is living in now is of her own doing......we are loving , caring parents who she feels she must lie about to other people to get her way!! She expected the CPS worker to take her out today so that she could see her friends. All this time she spent lying rather than owning up to her mistakes and doing the extra credit for her schoolwork. I am really disappointed but do understand that things needed checking out.

I spoke to my daughter about her setting things straight....that I told the caseworker the truth and it was her turn to so, so that 20 years from now she doesn't look back on it wishing that she did the right thing. We will see.....I hope & pray that she is mature enough to do so. ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-16-2006 at 09:49 PM.

 
Old 02-16-2006, 11:21 PM   #6
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Hi, Cristie Wow am I glad to see you.....I am out of magic potion to make this go alright. Your post was just what I needed because you know what I am going through. It is even worse, Cristie It always seems to come in threes in my life. My older daughter who I let go off to pursue her dreams with my support & BLESSINGS, well my brother & sister in law have informed us that she had been cutting classes, forging notes and got a call from the student advisor that if she misses one more class she will be expelled and not able to graduate!! She has alSO admitted to using marijuana and my brother was on the phone with me discussing that when the CPS worker was knocking on my door!! Why????? Why me????

My brother, who has my older daughter & has opened his heart & home to my daughter, has a medical conditon called autonomic failure in which his BP will plummet and his pulse race and he gets uncontrollable tremors and a migraine headache.....well I just received a phone call from my SIL saying that an ambulance has been called and he was brought to the hospital. I had a little mini breakdown....I am strong but how much can one person take in one day!!! If anything happens to my brother I will never forgive myself. Why my daughters (who are honor roll students) seem to want to throw away their entire lives with both hands is not understandable??? It's as if they want to sabatage every opportunity that seems to come their way. My older daughter should be hearing anytime now on her college admit.....why she would do such things is beyond my understanding!!

So Goody is spent...almost ready to give up....I have fought hard and feel as if I am all alone against the world that is eating up my girls. I KNOW I am a good mom....but why???? I am strong but this has brought me down to my knees. I am tired.....my girls are lost to me, or so it seems....I do not know what to do anymore other than what I have done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Do you think the problems have anything to do with the boyfriend? Has she given you any clue as to what is going on in her head?
As far as my younger daughter goes, the problems escalated 100 fold once the boyfriend entered the picture. The lying has been chronic.....little lies like saying her room was clean but it wasn't, that she wasn't on the computer but was......etc. She seems to be all caught up in the new friends she has made here......there are many who have their share of problems and she is the friend who wants to save them all when she needs saving herself!!! Like I said.....the BF has a dying grandpa, his mom has breast cancer and is divorced travelling upstate 4 days a week leaving the boy alone with the dying grandpa...I just learned of this yesterday!!! The BF started about 3 weeks ago and things that have changed for the worse seem to have happened around the same time (being kicked out of the play, grades dropping, behavioral problems etc.)

She's a good kid and I know she misses her Big Sis. They have talked everyday by phone.....but with all that is going on in the last few weeks in each of their lives they haven't. In fact my older daughter wasn't even aware that her sister had lost the lead in the play!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I had read in another one of your posts that she was missing big sis alot.
Big sis was due to come home for 5 days next week but with her absences those plans had to be cancelled. So my younger daughter must be disappointed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Do you think that has anything to do with it? Maybe it is just a combination of sis leaving, changing schools, and getting a new boyfriend. Maybe she isn't as mature as she thinks she is(like every teenager I have ever known!) and it is all too much to handle.All of these changes would be hard for anyone. But she may not have the maturity to realize that's what is going on.
Very good points.....I tend to think it is more the BF....when I suggest that we can still go back to her old school she doesn't want to...overall she is happy with her teachers, doing well academically and for the most part socially.....I do tend to think the boyfriend issue is the main problem...she tried to go out with her best "guy" friend which didn't work out and this is the second guy who she seems interested in. They talk about everything but she has proven that she is not mature enough to balance it with school and everyday life decisions. I told her today that I will not pick her freinds for her....that nobody is perfect BUT if a friend or BF affects her academics and overall behavior in a negative way then it will be limited. I told her that she MUST find a way to be around friends who bring out her best not her worst....and that some of her friends may get into trouble that I expect that to happen but that she is not to follow and must find a way not to. Otherwise I will be forced as her mom to do so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I know the other poster thinks that it is just rebellion, but after getting to know your family some through other posts, I don't think that is it. Something is definently going on. Is she communicating with you at all? Or is she being resentful over her punishement? Maybe the new school isn't going as good as you thought?
I am glad, Cristie, that you have followed my long saga.....it is tedious to go through it all again but I know that the support here is WONDERFUL and I could really use a good amount of it now.

She communicates to some degree.....as a typical teen it almost seems like I have to pull things out of her but once we are on a roll it goes well. This boy says he loves her she has told him that they have been seeing one another for such a short time and she isn't ready to love anyone. She told me they talked about sex and she told him that she is waiting until at least college. They talked about if a girl ever got pregnant and he said he would stick by her.....she told him that there is no 15 year old boy who would do that and she would never put herself or him in that position. I was quite impressed with that & gave her a high five on!! I am shocked that they have talked about such things but I am shocked at alot of things...like when she talks about tampons with her "boy" friends & when I remind her about modesty she blurts out how every other commercial is about them!!

She has said that she feels mad alot, she doesn't know why. I told her that these years are difficult, that I wouldn't want to relive them and remember feeling the same but if it ever got bad enough she should talk things out, don't keep things bottled up inside and use the punching bag we got her for Christmas. I also suggested journaling which she has been doing. I know her moods well enough to ask what's up and am able to find out...if not at that particular moment at least within a few hours. So.....the punishment seems to trigger a rebellion and resentment....rather than just taking it she sabatages herself & gets into more trouble. I am sticking to this week's punishment.....but using the time to do mother daughter things like taking in a movie, shop, and go out to lunch hoping to talk more.....the timing couldn't have come at a better time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Kids today are just so sexually explicit. Did I word that right? Do you understand what I am saying? You always here on tv that the teen chat rooms are filled with that kind of thing. I sub alot and some of the things the younger ones say just amaze me! I don't remember my friends and I being like that and I am only 34!
Yes, you worded it perfectly!!! And in rereading things in the IM I saw that it was a game like challenge to see who can come up with the worst sexual questions/statements. But still it bothered me because it was with a boy that wasn't one of her closest friends. The CPS worker read the report that said that her self esteem was diminished with comments such as being called a s-l-u-t and a w-h-o-r-e- by her dad. My husband said that the IM was extremely slutty and somebody could perceive her as a w-h-o-r-e. Amazing how things are twisted around to make the person who is innocent appear guilty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
I think you are doing the right thing. I would not let her out of my sight. If I had to I would go to school with her. She may resent you now, but in the long run she will be grateful for what you are doing. I think your dream represented that you sensed something was going on and you are afraid of losing her. I don't mean by death either.Take charge now. If you don't it may be too late! What does your husband think? You are an AMAZING mom and you will make the right decisions. I know it can't be easy though. I will be praying for you!
My husband is on the same page as me. She is living in such misery because she has made it. Rather than accepting her wrongness and making ammends she is only making herself more miserable. We told her that she is in charge of her own fate by her behavior and making things right again. Thanks for your prayers...they are already working, my SIL just called and said that my brother was awaiting a CAT scan and should be discharged home. Thanks, Cristie for being the angel who carried me through this night. (((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-16-2006 at 11:34 PM.

 
Old 02-17-2006, 07:43 AM   #7
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Oh Goody, I really feel for you. It amazes me how everytime you post about your daughter it sounds like the script of my life. And as you know, it can all turn out OK. But man, you have some work on your hands.

You've got to stay on her butt like you're doing. No one can say that you aren't trying your hardest to keep this girl in line. You have to treat her like a child when you cannot trust her. That is the battle. My parents always said that. They were upset about my behavior, but what really hurt my mom was that she could not trust me about anything. And as you know I was always grounded. My parents tracked my every move.

A plus and a minus for you is that your daughter is so smart. She's most likely smart enough to know to stay out of real trouble and you're lucky for that, but she's also so smart that it turns into sneaky. Sneaky can be really fun when you are smart. It's a game of outwit the parent.

As for the sex stuff. You keep checking those histories and you take that computer away if it continues. Too bad you don't have a copy of that news special from last week where they showed all of the men showing up at the house to meet with the "14 year old girl" Did you see that. Maybe if she saw that she's most likely talking to some old ugly pervert she'd back off. Now you did say that she's creative (with the whole theatre thing...which I too was into) Take heart that the dirty sex talk is probably just talk at this point. I remember getting seriously busted for writing all this stuff about sex and about being with this guy. My parents were horrified, and I still don't think believe me, but all we had really done was kiss each other. But I was creative and really spiced things up on paper. If your daughter is in any of those chat rooms she has probably been reading lots of posts from people saying this stuff and with hormones doing their thing, it probably gets her excited and she's exploring that. Doesn't mean its right, but exploring her sexuality is normal, but her outlet isn't a healthy one. Yes, your daughter really has her hormones in overdrive. Keep communicating with her about sex. Honestly, she most likely wont tell you everything she's done/doing, but you have to try. And keep in mind that kids can find a place to do anything and quickly. When I think of all of the places I snuck off to with boys...yikes!!! You may want to put your daughter on birth control. It will not give her license to go out and have sex with the world. But it will be one less thing that you have to worry about if your daughter makes a poor choice.

The one thing I would say is perhaps take it a little bit easy on her with school. Yes, she is very smart, but there really can be too much pressure to do well, get into the right college, etc even when you are smart. Is she in all honors courses because she really likes it or because you want it? I did the all honors thing and often wondered why. Yes, I wanted to get into a good school, but I wasn't really into it.

It may do her good to talk to a councelor, but it might not. I remember my folks saying they were going to send me to one. But there really wasn't anything mentally wrong. No trauma. No deep seated issues. I was just a rebellious teenager trying to figure out the world.

Hang in there Goody. You are a very good mom. Keep up the good fight. And if it gets to the point where you have to ground her for a month, follow her to class, take the door off her room (yes, been there) take away everything except a mattress, do it to keep her safe. She'll hate you now, but she'll thank you later. And remember to show her that trust has it's rewards. I wish that more parents cared as much as you do..the world would be a better place.
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Old 02-17-2006, 08:17 AM   #8
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Kiera...your post was just what I needed to make it through today....I woke up this morning feeling as if I was smack on the floor. My head waas splitting this morning and my dear hubby took over "Boot Camp' making sure she had breakfast and even instilled a makeup check before going out the door. She left with her books and a pen, pencil & some paper and was brought to school by dad.

I am truly hoping that she can own up to setting the record straight with the ones that she lied to about being abused. I want this for her own good so that she doesn't regret not doing so in the future. I know it will not be an easy thing to do and told her so but told her that it would be the right thing to do.

Yes I thought about the birth control too....I found a paper in her room that said something like "I love you, you are my destiny and I could see myself having your child." She writes down song lyrics but evenso...if she likes those lyrics she may think that she feels so unloved that she needs something of her own to love and feel love back. I KNOW how the 14 year old mind works......been there myself.

She has the wek off....I am hoping to make the best of her grounding by doing s many mother daughter things as possible.

This morning I woke up so torn....it feels as if I have two daughters drowning and do not know who to save first. I can only do so much but my brother & SIL insist that I concentrate on my younger one while they take care of my older one....but my brother's health is of such a worry to me. If something were ever to happen to him I do not know what I would ever do.

Thanks for the ((((HUGS)))), Kiera.....I really needed them this morning.

~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-17-2006 at 09:25 AM.

 
Old 02-17-2006, 08:58 AM   #9
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Oh Goody, I just wanted to cry when I read your last post! I know we are not supposed to be given more than we can handle, but why does it all seem to come at once! How is your brother doing? Is there anything that can be done for the autonomic failure? That sounds pretty scary!

Good grief! I thought older sis was doing great at uncles house. I wonder what is going on with her? How are you going to handle the things with her, since she is not there with you? That cannot be an easy place to be in right now. I feel for you.

Sounds like BF's mom is asking for trouble. Leaving a teenager alone with a blind,dying, elderly grandpa? You were definetly right by not letting lil sis go over there to visit! Are you going to keep her away from BF? Is he a good kid? If so, I wonder why her troubles seem to have started with him. If he isn't I can understand. Maybe she is seeing the freedom he gets and thinks that is something cool that she should be able to do. My oldest son, who is almost 13, has a friend that he thinks is cool because his mom lets him to whatever he wants, but I try not to encourage that friendship, because I know where it can lead. But it seems like the greatest thing when you are a kid.

Her comments about boys not being there was right on. See, you are getting through to her! I know right now it may not seem like it, but you are. She is getting everything you are trying to teach her, but she is just not mature enough to put it all where it is supposed to be. She may be resentful of her punishment, but as long as you are there for her, she will eventually get it.

The CPS thing was a shocker. Are you worried about that? That has always been a fear of mine. I am a good mom, I don't abuse my children, but I have a very vindictive mother who threatens to turn me in to CPS whenever she gets mad at me, and that has always worried me. Did the caseworker seem concerned? Or did she realize she just has a ticked off teen that is trying to get at her parents? I really shouldn't be shocked that she did that though. In schools today, they shove that down kids throats, I think sometimes way too much!

As for your hubby saying what he did about the IM, he was right on. Does your daughter not understand how others will view her by saying the things she has said on the IM? And I agree with the boot camp thing too. I sure hope that they are not going to consider that "abusive behavior". Maybe if more parents would handle things like you and your husband are, some of the kids would not be where they are today.

Keep your head up Goody! Remember you are a GREAT MOM and you are doing things that are going to make your daughters GREAT people. They WILL get it and they WILL love you even more for it later. They may not realize it now, but it WILL happen! I will keep saying my prayers for your family. Remember also, in the long run it doesn't matter how bumpy the road is, what matters is where that bumpy road will take you!It may not seem like it now,but it will take your family to great places. Please keep us posted to how things are going. I will be thinking of you!

Cristie

 
Old 02-17-2006, 02:23 PM   #10
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Oh Goody, I just wanted to cry when I read your last post! I know we are not supposed to be given more than we can handle, but why does it all seem to come at once! How is your brother doing? Is there anything that can be done for the autonomic failure? That sounds pretty scary!!
I am still awaiting news about my brother....I spoke to my SIL last at 2am...he was in for a CAT scan and once that was done they expected to discharge him. He is on a regimine of meds that they need to adjust....he has severe migraines that become debilitating. I woke up with one this morning....from my meltdown yesterday when I got the news of his going to the hospital I asked the God Lord to give me some of the pain to burden. And this morning He did....I thought with the way I screamed last night to let it all out, that I may have ruptured a few blood vessels in my head. But the advil kicked in after a few hours.....the headache is beginning to come back. I am awaiting an update but am waiting for them to call since they may be recuperating from last night. The autonomic failure is like a miswiring in the nervous system....where exactly it is is almost impossible to know but the only treatment is betablockers and antiseizure type meds that they have to constantly adjust. I am praying for a cure, a miracle for him....he needs it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Good grief! I thought older sis was doing great at uncles house. I wonder what is going on with her? How are you going to handle the things with her, since she is not there with you? That cannot be an easy place to be in right now. I feel for you
My husband and I contemplated when first informed of her problems on Tuesday of one of us going down and getting an apartment and taking her out of my brother's house. That is until little sis pulled her shennanighans!!! The school is a half an hour drive from my brother....we were thinking of finding a place close to the school where she can take a bus (there is no bussing from my brother's house because my daughter had a choice of schools and the one she chose is state of the art & brand new.) If it weren't for that she would not be driving the car.....she is driving to reduce the stress on my brother. It has been arranged under the circumstances that she drive to school, turn in her keys and collect them at the end of the day. My brother has her car registered and titled in his name and said that if she doesn't show up home from school within an alotted amount of time he will report the car stolen. We are in agreement of that. All four of us realize that we need to get her graduated from High School and not let her deviate from that goal. My brother feels it's best if they keep her on...we agreed one more slip up and I go down there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Sounds like BF's mom is asking for trouble. Leaving a teenager alone with a blind,dying, elderly grandpa? You were definetly right by not letting lil sis go over there to visit! Are you going to keep her away from BF? Is he a good kid? If so, I wonder why her troubles seem to have started with him. If he isn't I can understand. Maybe she is seeing the freedom he gets and thinks that is something cool that she should be able to do. My oldest son, who is almost 13, has a friend that he thinks is cool because his mom lets him to whatever he wants, but I try not to encourage that friendship, because I know where it can lead. But it seems like the greatest thing when you are a kid.
The boy is questionable......I have my antenna up to keep close tabs on the situation. Seems from feedback from some of her teachers that I was told to keep an eye on the situation....that he could be trouble. My daughter spends as much time with another boy who is like her best freind and the teachers said that he will keep her in line and is a great boy and will keep things balanced. My feelings are that if I forbid the situation then she will rebell and be in more trouble. If I keep close enough tabs on it then it should be something that will eventually fizzle out. My daughter did share with me that his mom called the police on him and in the next breath his mom is cool!! This may have added to my daughter's thinking that by involving CPS she could manipulate things and make things equally dramatic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Her comments about boys not being there was right on. See, you are getting through to her! I know right now it may not seem like it, but you are. She is getting everything you are trying to teach her, but she is just not mature enough to put it all where it is supposed to be. She may be resentful of her punishment, but as long as you are there for her, she will eventually get it.
Thanks....I think so too. Right now I feel as if I cannot be called mommy after being called an abuser. My heart is hurting and I am trying to get past it....I need so much for my daughter to apologize and own up to this....more for herself than for me. It is hard to pretend that this didn't hurt that she would go out of her way to make others believe that we are child abusers and that she is afraid to live with us. Even last night she still says she would rather live elsewhere.....that hurts, it really does. I need a few days to recuperate.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
The CPS thing was a shocker. Are you worried about that? That has always been a fear of mine. I am a good mom, I don't abuse my children, but I have a very vindictive mother who threatens to turn me in to CPS whenever she gets mad at me, and that has always worried me. Did the caseworker seem concerned? Or did she realize she just has a ticked off teen that is trying to get at her parents? I really shouldn't be shocked that she did that though. In schools today, they shove that down kids throats, I think sometimes way too much!
I am mixed with it all. I guess if it were really a problem they would have taken her last night. We were told that a supervisor would be coming for a followup visit. I told my daughter that her lies took a caseworker away from a child that may have been saved and had died at the hands of her parents and that she needed to really think about that. And also....that I did not blame the person who filed the report...from what they were told they were obligated to do so to protect a child. The sin of it all was that they were basing that report on lies, lies told by her. And most of all that she still had a way to make things right.....that it wouldn't be easy but I knew that she could do it. I think that the system knows that it is abused quite a bit and knows the signs of real abuse. There is not doubt in my mind that she saw two loving parents who have a 14 year old teen trying to find her way. The humiliation is another thing that I am trying to deal with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
As for your hubby saying what he did about the IM, he was right on. Does your daughter not understand how others will view her by saying the things she has said on the IM? And I agree with the boot camp thing too. I sure hope that they are not going to consider that "abusive behavior". Maybe if more parents would handle things like you and your husband are, some of the kids would not be where they are today.
The caseworker seemed to smile when I told her about the "Boot Camp" And we still have her in boot camp.....we need to regroup and hubby and I are going to come up with a daily agenda. Some of which will involve community service. We need to come up with a way to turn her bad karma into good karma. With some guidelines and lots of love we will get there. Today I am being called Goody instead of mom because I told her until she does what she needs to do to make me feel like the mom that I really am & she knows I am it hurts to be referred to as mom. I told her today that I am hurt and feel it is up to her to make things right and that she should take the time to figure that out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisma
Keep your head up Goody! Remember you are a GREAT MOM and you are doing things that are going to make your daughters GREAT people. They WILL get it and they WILL love you even more for it later. They may not realize it now, but it WILL happen! I will keep saying my prayers for your family. Remember also, in the long run it doesn't matter how bumpy the road is, what matters is where that bumpy road will take you! It may not seem like it now, but it will take your family to great places. Please keep us posted to how things are going. I will be thinking of you!
Thank you, Cristie for all your kind and uplifting words....you and others here are what got me through this day. It was a difficult day and I am soo emotionally exhausted. This took more out of me than I thought. I am hoping by the end of the weekend that I will be better.

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-17-2006 at 09:27 PM.

 
Old 02-18-2006, 07:41 PM   #11
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Hi Goody, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. How is your brother doing? I hope all is ok with him.

{Thanks....I think so too. Right now I feel as if I cannot be called mommy after being called an abuser. My heart is hurting and I am trying to get past it....I need so much for my daughter to apologize and own up to this....more for herself than for me. It is hard to pretend that this didn't hurt that she would go out of her way to make others believe that we are child abusers and that she is afraid to live with us. Even last night she still says she would rather live elsewhere.....that hurts, it really does. I need a few days to recuperate.} I don't know how to do the quotes! I am sure you are feeling very betrayed by your daughter. It makes my heart hurt for you! I am sure when she did this she didn't stop to think how it would tear your heart out. I also don't think she meant to do something so hurtful. Being a parent can be the most painful thing in the world, huh? You never realize until you have kids how many emotions come along with that bundle of joy!

I know you are hurt and upset, but keep your head up and stay strong! Your daughter will thank you for this one of these days. It may be painful, but you are doing the right thing!

Cristie

 
Old 02-18-2006, 08:13 PM   #12
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Hi, Christie Thanks for checking in. I am feeling better......my brother is doing okay. The meds seem to be kicking in and he will followup with his doctor's on the 21st.

We spent time today talking with our daughter.....she told us that she told her BF in school how her dad kicked her in the butt and he went to a guidance counselor and reported it. I told her that she still could make things right and that this could be turned around to be made right...that it would be in the system that her parents were child abusers which we are not. My husband apologized for kicking her and we promised to not use anymore physical means towards her in the future and hoped we could all move forward to making ammends. I told her that each one of us made mistakes but that we still love one another despite it. And when we are sorry we should seek forgiveness and make things right.

While talking, as we mentioned our older daughter tears welled up in her eyes. We see this s the main source of her behavioral changes in addition to her new BF. My husband and I are thinking of taking a drive down to my brother's next weekend and taking our older daughter to a hotel and spending some time together as a family. I think we all need this.

We talked about general expectations, chores and how we can spend more time as a family in general and how she can turn things around in a more positive direction. We are also hoping to come up with a community service project that she can become involved with in order to start giving more of herself to others.

Thanks again for all your support....it really means alot to me.

~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-18-2006 at 08:17 PM.

 
Old 02-23-2006, 05:55 AM   #13
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Goodythere are very few times anymore that I have regrets that I never had children, but this is one of those times. I'm at such a loss in life experience to be of much help.
But you know I'm here, listening with every ounce of cybertwinship that I possess and can tell you one thing... Be very aware of what is going on with the boyfriend. Such a drastic change can be of great concern. My brother's family held back for months before stepping in with my niece and it turned out that he had been at the very least verbally abusing her.

That said, I know of a 13 yr old who was so messed up that she couldn't even graduate with her class or go straight to college like everyone else. Had a life altering relationship with an abusive guy and turned out to be -
me.
No matter what happens right now, your girls already have the solid foundation that you and your husband have given them. They will ALWAYS have that. And if there are some rocky times ahead like I had (and I know my parents agonized over those years with me) your girls will turn out to be two of the finest women around - just like their mother.
Always a cyberhug away,
Ruth

 
Old 02-23-2006, 10:09 AM   #14
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

Thanks, Ruth, and all my Parenting Board friends for all your love & support. I cannot thank you enough for your words or wisdom and for being there to provide me with the strength that I need to get through these trying times.

This week has not been the easiest and I am certain that there are mmore tyring times ahead but one thing I am sure of is that WE WILL get through them......I know that my confidence as a mom is always shaken as I am sure my daughter's confidence as she approaches adulthood is as well. And one thing I am sure of is that we do love one another and I smile seeing that we are more alike than ever and if I turned out okay she will as well!!!

We both share a love of music, are both sensitive and caring, and live with an array of emotions. This week we drove around playing some music....I introduced my daughter to Linda Ronstadt....my daughter was mad, quiet and dealing with many demons and I needed a way to permeate through all of that and just knew that music would be the way to get through to her. So I explained to her that Linda Ronstadt helped me through many hard times and I proceeded to play her greatest hits CD. We came upon "Desperado" and I told my daughter that I would like to dedicate the song to her and I sang it with my loudest, greatest voice (I have a pretty good one too ) and allowed it to permeate the air hoping & praying that it would open up a door. At a particular part I hugged my daughter as we were driving and she sat next to me in the passenger front seat next to me.

As with many prayers, they seem to look as though they go unanswered but with hope & faith they grow. The next day while going to do some errands....my daughter goes to Linda Ronstadt's CD and says she really liked that song and proceeds to find it and starts to bellow out the lyrics to "Desperado"!!! I help her along during the parts that she is uncertain of and soon the two of us are resonating the song together!!!

This week has been difficult in the sense of wondering whether we will ever be connected.....but singing that song gave me some hope that with time and gentle support we will emerge out of this okay.

The thing I am most struggling with now is whether there are other factors that need looking into. A psychologist that I called through our church spent some time with me on the phone. When I described what was going on he seemed to think that Erin has some borderline issues going on and should be evaluated by a psychiatrist especially after she has a history of cutting, had taken a large dose of advil, and has such mood swings. As a mom I only see the wonderful sunshiney caring sensitive child who is going through the most painful time in her life.....I remember this time as being extremely painful for me as well. But from an outsider it may be something more that needs looking into and shouldn't be ignored. At times I wonder where it is that my sunshiney daughter has gone...the sunshine has faded into sadness and sometimes anger and slef destructive ways. And that hurts me to the core to see her so tormented. Ruth perhaps you can share more with me and help me through this part.

I called the Pediatrician and spoke to her regarding all of the changes in Erin. I told her everything the good, the bad & the ugly. We worked together in the past and she seemed dry and curt on the phone and this worried me because I shared the CPS report....I was not sure if I should contact the Pediatrician because of that thinking that perhaps it could be viewed as a parent overcompensating....but when I asked myself what I would do if there weren't a report and I came up with the same plan.....I went with that knowing that I was doing the right thing. So I told all....how my daughter had reported us to CPS and how painful that was and that she lied saying I had caused a scratch to her face and that I had to disclose to CPS her past history of cutting knowing that the scratch didn't come from me and believing my daughter possibly had self inflicted it to have a way out of our home. The doctor listened and her curtness had me fearing the worst. I asked her what she recommended I do knowing Erin since she was born and me trusting her. I told her that I had finally gotten Erin to agree to a physical and doctors looking into a possible physical chemical psychological problem that may be attributing to the things occuring with her lately. The doctor suggested a group therapy and barely provided me with names or ways to contact them. I told her how crucial it was that she worked with me on this since Erin was not trusting of many people and that it may come best if she supported me in telling Erin that from a medical standpoint. She told me that there wasn't much she could do in terms of counselling that Erin required in her opinion something intense because of the history and really needed help. She agreed to doing a physical yesterday. We went for that and seeing the doctor in person after she examined Erin alleviated my fears. She told me how beautiful and intelligent a young lady Erin was (she hadn't seen her in almost 2 years) and that she really thought she was going to be okay but that as she expected there wasn't much she could evaluate with her expertise. She discussed with me Erin's increased acne and thought that we should further treat that to increase her confidence. She suggested Retin A since the other med she perscribed didn't seem to help. I voiced my concerns about depression being a side effect of many of the acne treatments and she agreed and gave me a referrral to a dermatolgist. I asked the doctor to save any other discussion for when Erin was with us since she seemed to be voicing concenrs of my discussions about her excluding her. When Erin came out we discussed our concerns about her recent behavior, the teenage years and her handling of certain pressures. The docotr told Erin that she had ordered bloodwork that would check for any hormonal involvement with her moods and that she suggested to me that we look into a doctor that would look into some psychological aspects that she was able to do.....that the doctor she recommended was good and how important it was to go to find out a way to help her through these rough years and to ignore it would not be in her best interest in terms of her overall health and happiness. I told the doctor that I had an appointment on 3/15 with the psychiatrist she had recommended and that through our church there was a psychologist who would meet with Erin as well. She told Erin that she thought that was the best thing to do until we all felt things were evaluated and that her overall health was okay. Erin nodded and it went far better than the other day when I was honest with her & told her what the psychologist from the church and the Pediatrician told me we should do and her refusing to go.

(Another TO BE CONTINUED... )

 
Old 02-23-2006, 10:13 AM   #15
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Re: Could Use Some Support with 14 Year Old

(thanks for your patience )

After seeing the Pediatrician, I noticed that both Erin & I were less anxious and Erin's sunshine returned (of which made this mom happy). We go in for our bloodwork today and are squeezing in lunch as well.

So....I think things are better all round. This morning I realized that as parents Tom & I have instilled in both of our daughters a solid foundation and that there is really nothing more we can do other than wait for it to take effect. It would be unrealistic to expect it to take full effect now during these teenage years when they are trying to find themselves as a separate entity from their parents. I realized that it is time to let go & let GOD. I have done my job...and I think a fairly good one. You guys validate that too. But it does shake my confidence when I see them stumbling & falling....I naturally want to go and pick them up but I realize it is time for them to get themselves back onto their own two feet and let them know that I am still there if they should need. I am their advisor now and soon to be confidant.

As far as the boyfriend, Ruth, we do have a close eye on the situation. In reading the IM's, Erin was more intiative then him so I do not find fault with him per say. Tom & I have decided to have him over and meet with him along with Erin and spell out our expectations and concerns.

In talking to Erin about what she sees in this guy she says that he is not a "hot" guy and that is not important to her like she once thought. She told me that he is caring, nice, understands her and is respectful to her unlike alot of other guys. I taught her that, Ruth.....to look more at what is inside a person than outside. And it is a clear sign that she is listening to what I share with her!!! Perhaps her IM was a way to gauge him....not the best way...but she may have played a game to test him. The guy has some family problems and I have a feeling that Erin sees something worth saving.....the thing is, I am trying to share wiht her how that sometimes in trying to save another you end up losing yourself. Yes...my daughter is more like me than we actually thought .....and I have shared my emotionally abusive relationship with both my daughters and think it is time to continue sharing that with Erin. I do not see her BF treating her badly at all....in fact on Valentine's Day he had her locker stuffed with presents. When she ran away and I called him, he called us immediately to let us know that she was safe. Yes, he reported us to CPS...but that was all based on what Erin told him.....can I fault him for that??? He seems to genuinely care and has not called our home once knowing that this week Erin is not talking to friends. I am thinking of inviting him over for dinner tonight so we can talk to them about how much we all genuinely care about Erin and how we can most help her through this time.

Tom & both think that making the BF our ally is far better a strategy than making him our enemy. This came from some wonderful advice from one of my best friends that God has blessed me with who is also helping me through all of this .

Ruth and all...I could really use your input on this....Ruth I would especially like you to guide me through the mental health issues since perhaps Erin may be have something more going on that I am unaware of and totally inexperienced with. I am hoping that the 13 year old that seemed to lose her way but found it could hold my hand and help me through with the experience that she does have that could assist me with Erin. Just knowing you are there as well as all the other wonderful mothers here really means the world to me.

Thanks for the time you give to me & my family.....they are the most important things in the world to me and when they hurt, I hurt.

((((HUGS))) and sincere gratitude ~ Goody

 
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