I am venting in the heat of the moment so forgive me...
My 8 yr. old DS is driving me nuts. I love this kid more than anything. From the moment he was born, he's been advanced. B/C of his birthday, he's only in 2nd grade, he's 5 ft. tall and 110 lbs. We are your regular family, mom/dad, loving home, 5 yr. old sister, I stay home. Dad works. Both very involved with school and sports. Dad coaches. Family movie nights, close conversation, loving warm and lots of attention..they want for nothing, they are being raised that although financially things come easily for us, it doesn't for most, therefore we are raising them to respect others, we give back to society, we volunteer, we are good people as they say.....that's it in a nutshell....
NOW for DS! Too smart for his own good. Bored to death in school. Been addressed since kindergarten. Talks too much, is bigger than peers, gets noticed more, is always in trouble..never hurtful or malicious, just talking, out of control at times, doesn't listen....he's only happy when playing sports, or give him an old VCR and let him take it apart, he'll put the darn thing back together, he loves science, anything analytical, he's very very smart..had him tested, not gifted, yet way above everyone else and hasn't learned the lesson of patience and hates working on what takes the rest of the class weeks to learn as he picks it up immediately. The school has no suggestions although it's supposed to be an excellent school.
At home, we have to tell him things a million times..if you give him three things to do, he does two. His homework is 1/2 ****d! He is giving, loving, holds doors for the elderly, he's kind, he's wonderful but SO DARN LAZY and doesn't listen, he argues every single point, no matter what it is.....we are at our wits end. If you say black, he says white....he whines, he wants to do so much more than his age allows....we give him lots of freedoms yet that doesn't work...nothing works...
I have a conference with his teacher and the principal next week. Some concerns I have is his teacher yelled at him and screamed "DO YOU GET ANY ATTENTION AT HOME" and another day "DO YOU EVER EVER SHUT UP" am I wrong or is this inappropriate? I will be the first to tell them he is not perfect, but this is unacceptable! She left me a ranting message on my cell phone last week about him and he told me he already knew about it before I could tell him b/c she did it in front of him and the whole class....
I know I am venting and ranting myself here...he is such an awesome kid..we just don't know what to do anymore...sticker charts, priveleges being taken away, counseling, ADD testing, NOTHING WORKS and he's healthy and fine as a horse! All I ever get is "boys will be boys" or he's today's version of Tom Sawyer.......today a neighbor came over to tell me my son was climbing on her fence and swinging on the gate when I've repeatedly told him not to do it and he did it again! When I went in to punish him,he had a total tantrum. I know he's overtired as we were up late last night, but he was hysterical! I watch his diet, never too much sugar, he gets plenty of rest normally.......
He acts like a kid sometimes that has ADD (not to sound mean or ANYTHING LIKE THAT) it's been a concern but they assure me he does not! He takes vitamins, is physically active in sports, gets tons of attention.....nothing works!
I don't know what I am asking here. Just venting. Other than beating him, what the HECK will work? I am so angry today. We just had a warm, loving family talk last night about his behavior and lots of hugs, and self confidence booster stuff, and then today he gets into trouble again!
Anybody been through this and have suggestions? I am really ready to lost it!
In the meantime, I just grounded him and he's in bed and fell asleep. Sleeping him sleep makes my heart melt!
UGH! P.S. for the record, 5 year old sister, an angel! LOL
First of all, a teacher said that to your 8 year old son? That is totally inappropriate for someone his age, maybe even in general. Even when you're angry you have to handle it well especially with children.
Anyway, your son is EXACTLY like my younger brother. I mean, exactly. I'm 19 now, and my brother is 16, and he's still the same way. My brother doesn't have ADD or anything like that, definitely handy, is smarter than average, but is always acting up in school or with my parents. It's been a pain since almost the day he was born, lol. My brother is definitely lazy too.
After 16 years of witnessing this, having my brother tested for being gifted, having ADD, etcetra - nothing. That is simply the way he is. The behavior in school is because he's bored, obviously...but if they won't do anything to help your son be more stimulated intellectually, nothing is going to happen.
As for his out-of-school behavior, yeah, kids tend to do things the more you tell them not to or if you freak out about it. An example with my brother:
Years ago, when my brother was about your son's age, my dad was doing a design on the wall of his bedroom, and for some reason it required a bit of red spray paint. My dad stressed over and over again, do not touch the red spray paint, blah blah blah, kept dragging on about it, and then my dad, being a little absent minded left the spray paint in his room which was dumb, and my brother sprayed it all over the wall. My dad saw it, flipped complete ******, and went on and on about not doing it, and so on and so forth...still not taking it away. Later, he found my brother laughing, spraying it out the window onto my mother's car.
An example with me: I was a little baby, so I didn't know better, but I tried to say "fish" once, but instead I said "*****", my mom didn't scream about it, but she was like *gasp!* don't you ever say that, and from that point on I kept doing it over and over again.
I'm not saying don't tell your son to stop, but don't make it so it's more tempting to do. Each time he does, just punish him more. If he needs to be sent to his room 10 mins the first time, then 20 the next, fine. If he throws a tantrum, so be it. Kids learn that way.
Spend time with your son on homework, and sit there until he does it properly and does a good job. It may take time out of your day, but he's your son, and you don't want him going down the tubes in school. Have him do his homework everyday at the same time: for my brother and I, it was 4:00, no if's and's or but's about it.
I really don't know what to tell you! I'm not a parent myself, but I'm sure if my mother was reading this she'd understand completely where you're coming from. I know it's tough...and I'm sorry I can't be of more help!
WOW! Thank you for your nice response and for taking the time. For 19, you seem wise beyond your years! I am 37 and you seem more mature than me! LOL......Thank you though.
Well, I'll see how the conference goes. For now he's been benched for his baseball practice tomorrow night which really upset him. Hopefully that will work. I've been told kids like this tend to go far in life, it just hurts them now in childhood!
We were in Disney World once and he stood on a bench and as each person walked by, he said hello, asked them where they were from etc...it was funny but it's like a President in the making..he's so talented and smart yet lacks the most common sense...such as, sit down, shut up, do your work and the more you listen, the more priveledges you'll rec'v...he just doesn't get it.
We worry that we spoil him but we dont. He has to earn allowance and work towards things, we don't just give him whatever he wants. He brings his laundry into the laundry room, puts his own stuff away, they each clear their plates, take out the garbage....etc.etc..it's so important to me b/c I am so afraid that my kids will be spoiled and we try so hard to balance.
I grew up without alot of money and so did my husband. So, that's how we are trying to raise our children....to realize real life and to instill in them how hard one must work to succeed and to realize that money doesn't grow on trees and yet he still has no respect for things, breaks things from carelessness, can't keep his room clean,
Hopefully the conference goes well and his teacher can give you some input on how he behaves.
You know, just thinking back to when I was in grammar school, I was great in "English" class, and I was above and beyond my grade level, I was in 4th at the time, so my school actually took me downstairs and had a little class for me and three other students to do more advanced work. I don't know about your son's school, maybe mine was just unique. What state do you live in, by the way?
Behavior comes from nature and nurture, I doubt it's nuture being yourself and your husband, but maybe this is how he thinks he should act because he likes the attention (of other children) I'm a psychology/education major in college, and I'm a firm believer in the self fulfilling prophecy, that people behave in the way that you expect them to. I did so well in high school because my teachers set high standards and wouldn't settle for anything less. Well, in other words, if you think that your students are smart, they are going to do better in classes because you make them feel as though they're smart, and if you convince a child that he or she is "bad", they will act like they are.
I hope that makes sense?
Really, aside from when he acts up, I can see your son going far in life. My brother was the same, he's 16, and wow, so incredibly smart, especially in the science area, wow. It's incredible. I'm sure your son will be the same way, and coming out of high school he'll be one of the best =)
YES, all that makes perfect sense and I am phsycology major by interest...LOL...was always my dream but didn't persue it! Good for you and good luck.
I am a firm believer in setting by example,seperating the behavior from the child, setting goals and rewarding them etc. I READ ALOT and was a research anaylst for 9 years, so that's why I get so frustrated b/c I am trying so hard!
We live in South Florida by the way. I'll see how the conference goes. Like I said, not to sound stuck up, but he is such a warm hearted loving great kid so we feel we are doing something right, just lazy and only hears 2 out of 3 things you say!
Thanks so much for your input. I predict great things for your future as well...your parents must be very proud of you!
One of the things with really smart/advanced/gifted children is that "No" or "Don't do that!" doesn't really work. You need to explain why what they are doing isn't appropriate. Sometimes you might even have to go into detail just like you would with an adult. Yes they are children, but their mind isn't a child's mind.
The problem that I can see going on in the school is that your son isn't working up to his full potential, so they don't actually see that he is advanced. All they see is that he is disruptive and not getting good grades. You need to convince him to work harder on his school work to prove that he is advanced.
Has anyone ever looked at Aspberger Syndrome as a possibility. There are a few things about your original post that stood out to me. Does he ever obsess on any one topic that may be of no interest to anyone else?
The reason it jumps out is that it is a disorder that can sometimes be misdiagnosed as ADD. The reason it came to mind was the social problems (talking at inappropriate times) the fact that he is very intelligent and has the ability to take the vcr apart and put it back together. He's got a scientific mind.
Just a thought. If you haven't heard about it, look up some information on it and see if he meets any of the criteria. Good Luck
Yes, I have thought of it and he doesn't have it. A friend of mine son's have it so I know all about it. That was a concern. Thank you for replying though. Sorry to be so short, just online for a minute.
This message may be a little late, but here's my 2 cents...My daughter is 9 and I think some of his behaviors are typical for an 8-10 yr. old. They just get goofy around age 8. His size probably makes him feel a little "different" or something (even though it's a great advantage in alot of ways!) and he may have mixed feelings about that. My daughter can be an angel...when she wants to be!
Like today she made her bed without being asked (I almost fainted) in the a.m. before the bus, and she helped her sick little sister by getting her ice chips. She then tried (for the 3rd time) to get me to let her wear this ratty, thin, bleach stained army-green barn coat OF MINE (meaning it is huge on her) to school (I only use it for yard work). She decided it's cool and she would not stop trying to get her way! She argues, whines, lashes out verbally, etc. too. She just does not know when to stop! We've given her the 1-2-3 approach (One is her first warning, 2 is the second, and 3 means she gets disciplined). We are now trying soap in the mouth (had to do it a few yrs ago but not again until lately). So some of it is normal (although maddening).
We also tried "getting her where it hurst" meaning, taking away her one 1/2 hr of tv each night, or computer games or something she really enjoys.
On the other hand, sounds like this teacher is not very good and cannot handle your son's needs. What she said was hurtful and unproductive, especially to a child that age. Even though he is 5 ft. tall, he is still a child, and you will find people will expect him to act more mature than he is capable of. The school should have SOMETHING for advanced students. Is this a private school? I grew up going to all private schools and thought they were superior...but my hubby is a public-school teacher and now my daughter goes to a public school and I am amazed at the special resources available for children with all needs. I can see that, in that way, the public schools are superior!
Things have been much better since I wrote that and it started with me first! Trying to break my habit of yelling and anticipating the outcome before I began type thing and giving him the benefit of the doubt, treating him with more respect and patience being the key and I am getting a return! He's been much calmer and better behaved, still himself and challenging, but my reaction has made a world of difference. I did have the conference with the school. Lots of progress, they've given him additional responsibilities, more computer time for good behavior and each week he's gone to the principals office to pick out of the treasure box, they've started a points system for good behavior and if he makes his points, he gets to go to his old kindergarten class for 45 minutes once a week and "teach" the kids or read to them, and being in the leader role has worked wonders and he's excited in school now.
At home, he still has his moments, he's still a little lazy, but that's just his personality I guess. When I treat him like a "grown up" and relax he responds much better.
Yesterday I gave him 45 minutes to relax and have a snack after school and play a video game and then told him he had to put ALL his laundry away and fix his drawers b/c they were a mess and then we had to get ready for baseball. With such excitement, he took everything out of his drawers and re-arranged them, and then got in his uniform and cleats without being told 10 times and was such a big boy!
I really think me relaxing has done wonders. He is still himself though. This morning in the shower he stood there for 10 minutes telling me he was almost done when in fact he did nothing but stand under the warm water, things like that, but then got ready and took out the garbage and was a very big boy!
So far so good.........I guess I am just too controlling and given him a little breathing room and reversing my reactions to a positive first was the answer which I knew all along but never had the patience and something changed in me too! So, we'll see how it goes....Realizing I am not perfect either had alot to do with my change. Things I don't like about myself that HE LEARNED FROM ME such as reactions and yelling, is what I try so hard to control in him. Together as a team we are working on it and doing much better. My husband and I are so happy with the calmness now and hoping for the best.
Thanks for the reply! I appreciate it!
Hi I was wondering if you ran across my original post of "6 Year Old Driving Everyone Crazy!! HELP!!!! "
My son is going through the same exact issues minus the size, mine is average for age.
This is a partial list of his "symptoms"? if you want to call them that or just my observations.
Burned himself all the time
Drank hot water
Pans on stove
Licked pan on stove
Gets angry instantly
Stands around naked and unless and required to dress will stay that way
Cant stay focused to get tasks done
Puts his face in others faces
Reads at an advanced level
Can do math really well
Can load and save things on a computer under his own name
Loves video games and TV
Likes to cuddle
hates anything to do with fine motor skills
people say he is lofty or quirky
He prefers to be alone at recess.
He is seeing a spychologist right now which is giving him an iq test the next time we meet. She thinks it is a high functioning aspbergers even though he doesnt fit in every catagory. I'm starting to agree because nothing we have done has helped at all!!!
I hope this helps and I hope if someone has other information for us they post it here. I'm sooooo exhausted and frustrated and confused.
Your light at the end of the tunnel> it does get better.
My son is 15 and had social issues at school from kindergarten.
Now in year 10 and much much better - still gets 'talks too much, distracts and is not working to his full potential' in some subjects, but to know surprise is the one he is bored in (wheteher it be the subject or the teacher). I feel society-schools-teachers (and I guess I should include parents) put high expectations onto children today as all deal with the ever competittive society.
The approaches I tried with my son=
1. Never ask him to do more than one thing at a time (unless I ask him to make a list for his reminder).
2. Rephrasing how I speak with him, they are used to teachers forever being on their backs. Rather than saying 'don't....', would say ' darlin' would you please pehaps do.... instead of.... as .... (may hurt, break...). Yes takes ALOT of patience but think it has worked. We too have had a close relationship, and I remember at one P&T night, the teacher (yr 5) discussing his behaviour. The example he gave: my son was tapping rubber on desk (distracting) so the Tchr said "throw it here" My son through it which the teacger felt totally inappropriate. i aplogised, explaining that I speak in literal and direct terms i.e if I say THROW, I mean THROW. Children are now epxected to have this uniform behaviour hwereby they all sit quitely and attentiveley in class - hello it is hard for us to do sometimes!
RE the school, perhaps maybe look in to how he learns i.e. visual, audial etc. It could be the way in which teacher is providing lessons that too him are totally uninteresting.
In year 7, I also bought an additional text for him so he could work from, the teacher used to photocopy and give him additional sheets = more of a challenge SURPRISE SURPRISE , teacher couldn't believe how much more settled he was.
From everything else you said, he sounds ideal - sometimes we need to remind ourselves we are not all good at everything, and if that is there nature, than that is a part we need to accept (within reason of course)
Hi Healthy2b. I just came across this message board today and I realize this post is a few years old, but he sounds so similar to my son who is now 11. (minus the size) My son, too has been driving me crazy for years with his odd behavior, demanding attention, laziness, not caring, wanting to be talked to and treated like an adult. He also has trouble with peer relationships, I guess I could go on and on. I hope you get this I would like to talk to you about how your son is doing a few years later. Thanks! Sahm2adam