It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Parenting Issues Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-15-2006, 02:30 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Marl NH USA
Posts: 122
Kaseyjcf HB User
Unhappy How do I help my son and his family

Hi, I don't know whether this is where I should post here or relationship issues. I was spoke to today by my daughter in law. My son and she have been together for 10 years, they have 2 little ones, 8 and 3. She says he does not want to be around his family. I asked her what she meant and she said when he is not working, he wants to be with the guys instead of them. He works third shift, as she does not work outside the home. He puts in 60 to 64 hours a week. She says he won't talk to her about the problem and acts like there is no problem. I am really confused. My husband was away about 8 months of the year all my sons young life because he was in the military. I am wondering if that is why he is the way he is, cause he never saw his own dad. I am not looking for excuses, just answers I guess. I am afraid to say something to my son and cause more problems. I don't know how he would react if he heard that his wife complained about him to his mom. I think my son loves his family, and I know his wife loves him. I just don't know what to tell her. I know she needs to vent and she has no real family of her own to talk to. Just a gramma in a nursing home. I hate to interfere. But I also have a hard time listening to her put my son down. He works very very hard to provide for them. How can I wake him up to their needs without making him angry at her?

 
Old 03-15-2006, 02:46 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: How do I help my son and his family

Hi....I think that the best thing you can do is perhaps spend some quality time with your grankids and daughter in law. I would imagine not having your son around places major stress on her in terms of not having any relief. Perhaps volunteering to take the kids for her once in a while will be of some help and encouraging her to get involved in an interest of her own may help. I was a stay at home mom and looked so much forward to my husband coming home and sharing in the evening routine which gets so hectic. I am sure with baths, homework, and bedtime rituals your daughter in law feels quite overwhelmed.

As far as talking to your son...I would refrain from getting involved. Encourage your daughter in law to seek out counselling and offer your babysitting services if need be. Explain to her your concern and also your inability to really be the proper counselor since you love your son faults & all.....ackknowledge his wrongness and encourage her to communicate it with him and to perhaps find ways to get out of the house offering to be there to help out with the kids if need be.

It is apparent that you are a loving & concerned mom....but this is a situation that only the two of them can work out.

Good Luck ~ Goody

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 03-15-2006, 10:46 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: california
Posts: 213
angelique5 HB User
Re: How do I help my son and his family

My instinctive response is to say not to get involved. Of course, if your daughter in law wants someone to talk to, and she's comfortable talking with you, and you're comfortable hearing it..... you're doing a lot for her just by listening, and giving her some insight (like you gave us, about his father) about her husband.

I also agree with Goody, about spending time with your grandchildren, and DIL, at this stage of the game, it's ok to be your children's "friend", you may be a wonderful resource for your DIL.

 
Old 03-21-2006, 08:25 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Rochester, NY USA
Posts: 957
sawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB Usersawbuck44 HB User
Re: How do I help my son and his family

I think you are on the right track. Since his dad was gone so much due to work, your son is also. He probably thinks this is normal because that is what he knows. Your dil, however, probably had her dad around a lot when she was growing up and does not understand. The way to help your son is through your dil. Give her some subtle, non-harsh ways of addressing the issue with your son. First explain to her how he grew up. Really look at how your son was when your husband was gone so much. Have your dil schedule 'family time' for even just a half hour to start. Let your son experience fatherhood from a safe distance and maybe it will bring out an interest and longing in him to be with his family more often.
__________________
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.

 
Old 03-25-2006, 04:27 PM   #5
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Southern US
Posts: 67
Lexi4529 HB User
Re: How do I help my son and his family

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaseyjcf
Hi, I don't know whether this is where I should post here or relationship issues. I was spoke to today by my daughter in law. My son and she have been together for 10 years, they have 2 little ones, 8 and 3. She says he does not want to be around his family. I asked her what she meant and she said when he is not working, he wants to be with the guys instead of them. He works third shift, as she does not work outside the home. He puts in 60 to 64 hours a week. She says he won't talk to her about the problem and acts like there is no problem. I am really confused. My husband was away about 8 months of the year all my sons young life because he was in the military. I am wondering if that is why he is the way he is, cause he never saw his own dad. I am not looking for excuses, just answers I guess. I am afraid to say something to my son and cause more problems. I don't know how he would react if he heard that his wife complained about him to his mom. I think my son loves his family, and I know his wife loves him. I just don't know what to tell her. I know she needs to vent and she has no real family of her own to talk to. Just a gramma in a nursing home. I hate to interfere. But I also have a hard time listening to her put my son down. He works very very hard to provide for them. How can I wake him up to their needs without making him angry at her?

I think you should advise your daughter-in-law to talk to him about the problem (and yes, if she perceives it as a problem, then it is, in fact, a problem).
I do not think that you should try to talk to him about it.
As his mother, you cannot be expected to be impartial; your first loyalty will always be, quite naturally, to your own child.
I think you should tell your daughter-in-law this, too: I think you should tell her that you are happy to talk to her, to have a relationship with her, but that you do not wish to hear complaints about your son, whether or not they are justified.
Tell her that she has every right to complain about him if she wants to (he is, after all, not only your son but also her husband), but not to you.
Assure her that you are by no means insinuating that her complaints are not valid or justified, but only that you are not the appropriate person to complain to.
Advise her to contact a marriage counselor, if the problem is so serious that it is threatening the marriage.
Other than that, just continue to be supportive of both of them.
That's about all you can do.
Good luck.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
His family getting in the way of our relationship!!! Ravyn8 Relationship Health 18 07-06-2007 08:17 AM
It only gets Worse as Family Members are Informed pjoi4 Cancer: Lung 12 01-05-2007 08:44 PM
Greed in Family _mystictiger_ Caregivers 10 10-03-2006 12:49 PM
Significant other's family crossing a line, or not? volcomrxy21 Relationship Health 11 07-01-2006 12:11 PM
My mom won't let me see my family Dark Stranger Parenting Issues 2 11-25-2005 06:03 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:01 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!