Hello everyone. I have been coming to the healthboards for a long time but never to this particular topic. Maybe someone can give me some good advise cause I need it. My son is 5 years old. He is very smart and I do the best I can with him. I am a single parent who, like many others, work full time and go to school full time. There is a lot of time apart from him due to my schedule. I try to communicate with is father as much as possible about what goes on with him... even though it's really tough since we ended on bad terms. Anyway, the other day he cussed a boy out. He said some pretty ugly things that I would never approve of. He said the boy hit him in the head and he was mad. If someone is picking on him I am all for him defending himself but how far is too far? Also I don't want him to become a bully cause I allow him to defend himself. What advise to him is good advise? Also his father says it's my fault cause I'm not there enough. He thinks I allow him to watch bad movies and play aggressive games... which I don't. He doesn't understand that kids learn these things from other kids. Should I be the one to blame? Maybe I need to quit school so I can tend to him more. I really don't know what to do. I say I am going to school so I can take better care of him but maybe I'm in over my head! Thanks to anyone with any advise!
How much longer do you have in school? Can you take a slightly lighter class load to be there more. Or would it be helpful to take just a semester off to keep a closer watch on his behavior. You don't have to quit. I think you are doing the right thing by going to school. You will be able to provide more with a better education.
Don't play the blame game with yourself, you have enough on your plate. Yes, kids do pick stuff up from school. I know my son does. Don't let your ex make you feel bad about things you aren't doing (like the games and movies) Keep your discipline consistant at both homes. Of course I think that it's better to walk away when kids are confronted by others, but I understand you wanting your son to be able to defend himself. What about enrolling him in martial arts. He won't go around being a bully and kicking every kid's butt. They will teach him how to defend himself if needed, but they will also empasize self control and respect for others. It might be good for him.
Hang in there mom. You have both of your best interests in mind and that's great!
"Go slowly, breathe and smile" Thich Nhat Hanh
Thanks for the response. I am going to Nursing School and I still have over a year till I'm done. At this point I really don't want to take a semester off and as hard as times are I hate to cut down because it's going to take longer to get that degree. I do have to do something though.... Thank you for the advise. Take care!
It sad you can't be with your son as much as you want but as a single parent you are trying to still be involved and work to make money for you and your son. He probably is acting out a little because maybe he needs more time with you, but it's like you said he is going to learn stuff rom other kids. I know you said you communicate with his father but does he actually go over there, if so how do you know that his father isn't letting him watch bad movies and just blamming it on you. I had a friend who felt she didn't need to listen to her dad because he wasn't really around when she was little and it took her some time to stop being angry at him for that, so your son might not want to listen to you, but just try to be there for him more. You already got a good start and have shown that you are the bigger person and our doing what's best for your son by putting differences aside to talk with his father. Have you ever explained to him why you go to school and do what you do, which is all for him? Tell him about it so he knows you are doing this for him to make things better, and ask him how he feels about that? If he feels he is still ignored try to work out a plan.
I was in school and working as well as being a single parent when my boy was younger. They do tend to learn a lot from others at this age and just are testing the boundaries. First of all, he is going to try it whether you work and go to school or you were home all the time. Second don't let his father convince you it your fault. It is no one's fault. I really think is imitating others and seeing what his boundary limitations are. They will do this from time to time.
I would not change anything, but would ask him to explain to you why you are going to school and working and what the end result will be. He will be okay. My son tried this, and when he acted out, I would take a privilege away as I knew he was testing me, and believe me they will test you a lot. Just be consistant with what you say and do and he will be fine. You will be fine as long as you don't pull all your hair out in between.
It is quite a juggle act to do it all, but believe me you and he both will appreciate it in the end, but it is difficult at some times more than others as what you are doing is not easy at all.
I commend you as you are doing a good job and getting an education along with working, which a lot of people would not do. Hang in there and it will definitely be okay, although sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
Please know we are here for you to help you and support you and let us know how things are going!!!
Thank you both. Alleycat, I have explained to my son over and over again why I don't get to spend much time with him. He says he understands but in the same breath he tells me to quit my job and just go to school. He still is not grasping that work pays the bills and school is going to give us a better future. As for his father... yeah he showed up a lot more before he got a fiance. Now he hardly ever calls or comes around. He is also in the military so I know that plays a big factor but there is no excuse when he is on leave and still doesn't make an effort. Once his dad yelled at me in front of him about cussing. When his dad left he told me that wasn't fair cause his dad cusses infront of him all the time. Of course his dad commits no sin. At least that's what he puts on for everyone to believe. Even through all our ups and downs I talk to him for my son....and no other reason. Oh and Dwallech there is no need for me too pull my hair out... it falls out all on it's own from the stress. I struggle from day to day and I always feel like giving up but I'm hanging in there. If you or anyone else has any advise on how to make it easier please let me know. I guess it doesn't help that I work in a stressful environment and nursing school on top of that... yeah I think I'm in over my head but I'm too close to quit now right??? Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. I will keep you all posted on my little terror child !!!
Your son learns what he hears. It's not 'do as I say, not as I do' as your ex seems to think. Your son is smart. He remembers things very clearly. This may seem inappropriate, but you should be proud of him that he retaliated against the bully. Too many kids cry and let it go and that empowers bullies to keep picking on them. Your son won't be a bully because you will teach him empathy.
A suggestion about school. Can, or do, you take courses online? That way you can be home more and do your studies when he is occupied or sleeping. I love online learning! And do not quite! You are a role model to your son. He'll know that things aren't always a piece of cake and that you can do more than just one thing at a time. Multitasking! Like right now I'm at work and checking the boards!
I just edited my post because I see that you are going to school for nursing. Not sure how many courses would be available online in that field.
If you open the door even a little bit - the devil will fling it open. Keep it closed with prayer.
Thank you Sawbuck.... I do some classes online but most of them I am required to be in the classroom. I completely understand the multitasking thing.... I work dispatch for the sheriff's department, so that's something I do on a regular basis. Next semester I'm going to try to cut down a little... if it makes a difference then I have to make a drastic change... if it doesn't I know I can continue school and hope my son listens to me along the way. Thank you for your advise!!!
I don't think its your fault. The most important thing is to teach your son the difference between bullying and defending himself. Also you need to make him understand that bad words are not exceptable. He needs to find another way to deal with his anger. Maybe get him into sports at the school. I know you don't have a lot of time, but maybe work out a carpooling schedule with another Mom in the class. Get him to focus on something, and help him understand harmony and teamwork.