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Old 03-24-2006, 11:20 PM   #1
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hayley0610 HB User
read 11 yr old sons diary ikes!!!

well it is and isnt a diary first off let me explain that my dd was in his room looking for something and he had a notepad out with some "thoughts" in it. i felt i needed to read it cause he never talks to me, has been getting into trouble lately and we cant seem to figure out why.so pls no comments about how terrible it was that i read it. I cant write what was all in there but ill give u an idea. he used alot of sexual content, as in what a male and female teacher could be doing together, and that he hates them both and he called other students, hookers, hoes and other derogitory terms. He mentioned who he had crushes on and that he felt some of the girls he didnt like were sexual with each other!!(in hateful terms) now id expect this off of a 16 yr old but not him. he also mentioned he couldnt wait to get to jun high next yr as his brother knows a lot of babes and is gonna hook him up so he can tap their a*%!!!!!! now he hasnt even kissed a girl!! my bestfriend and her dh say its totally normal! but my dh and i dont think it is.we are finding out things about him everyday that seem to be shocking! we spoke to him about it and he said he was just kidding around and trying to sound cool. my mom thinks we need to get him therapy but i dont. i was in therapy when i was his age and it was a bunch of garbage as far as i was concerned. i just didnt think 11 almost 12 yr olds thought like this! my mom thinks it may have to do with the fact that a yr ago we explained that my dh wasnt his bio dad but he seemed to take it fine and we told him if he had any questions to come to us but he hasnt, i think thats just a cop out and has nothing to do with his new found naughtiness.

 
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Old 03-25-2006, 07:47 AM   #2
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jeffreys mom HB User
Re: read 11 yr old sons diary ikes!!!

I'm sure you are shocked. I have a 13 yr old stepson who does not live with us by choice because he can't stand the restrictions we place on him with "rules". He has tried and done just about anything you can think of at this point. I have seen his friends and I have to say that from what I'm seeing girls and boys alike are a lot older that we were at that age. There are plenty of innocent 11 year olds, but I think a good amount of these kids today are 12 going on 18. Peer pressure and too much explicit television and video games play into this stuff as well. It's a real effort to keep kids young these days. You need to talk to him and find a way to get him to open up about this stuff. If he feels you are there for him without judging him, he may get more comfortable with opening up.

We try to be there as much as possible with my stepson but it can be difficult because he has the other house and can refuse to take the phone calls and visits when he thinks he has to face up to something. I worry about him very much and wish we had more opportunities to try and get through. The one good thing about him is everytime he does something he shouldn't, he gets caught. His first sexual experience was when he and the girl were 12. They cut school and went to her house. The school called the girls mom and she came home and found them in a very compromising way.

I wouldn't feel bad about looking at the diary if it's going to help keep him on his toes. It opens your eyes to all the possibilities of the things he could get into if he is let to have too much space. I don't think counselling is a bad idea. Maybe a teen group therapy and a joint session for the two of you together to learn to open up. Good Luck

 
Old 03-25-2006, 02:33 PM   #3
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manazoid HB User
Re: read 11 yr old sons diary ikes!!!

i just wanted to say i know how shocking it is to find out your child is already thinking that way but kids are getting there younger and younger. you wouldnt belive the things i hear children talking about younger than 11. My daughter is 14 and i was apauled when i read some of the things she was talking about on the computer. i would have to say its time to have a discussion with him about the birds and the bees and it is probably a good time to teach him about respect for girls before he learns it from his friends. dont blame yourself for this im sure he hears many things at school. he is probably just discovering he likes girls and is trying to make sense of it all and to be cool to his friends. my other suggestion is let him know that the conversation is always open. with my daughter and myself we sometimes find it hard to talk about certain things face to face as the topic may be embarresing so in that case we right notes to each other and that really helps her to be able to talk to me about anything. anyway good luck

 
Old 03-25-2006, 03:32 PM   #4
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Lexi4529 HB User
Re: read 11 yr old sons diary ikes!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hayley0610
well it is and isnt a diary first off let me explain that my dd was in his room looking for something and he had a notepad out with some "thoughts" in it. i felt i needed to read it cause he never talks to me, has been getting into trouble lately and we cant seem to figure out why.so pls no comments about how terrible it was that i read it. I cant write what was all in there but ill give u an idea. he used alot of sexual content, as in what a male and female teacher could be doing together, and that he hates them both and he called other students, hookers, hoes and other derogitory terms. He mentioned who he had crushes on and that he felt some of the girls he didnt like were sexual with each other!!(in hateful terms) now id expect this off of a 16 yr old but not him. he also mentioned he couldnt wait to get to jun high next yr as his brother knows a lot of babes and is gonna hook him up so he can tap their a*%!!!!!! now he hasnt even kissed a girl!! my bestfriend and her dh say its totally normal! but my dh and i dont think it is.we are finding out things about him everyday that seem to be shocking! we spoke to him about it and he said he was just kidding around and trying to sound cool. my mom thinks we need to get him therapy but i dont. i was in therapy when i was his age and it was a bunch of garbage as far as i was concerned. i just didnt think 11 almost 12 yr olds thought like this! my mom thinks it may have to do with the fact that a yr ago we explained that my dh wasnt his bio dad but he seemed to take it fine and we told him if he had any questions to come to us but he hasnt, i think thats just a cop out and has nothing to do with his new found naughtiness.

I know it's scary to read hateful thoughts coming from your own child, but possibly he's simply writing his own "porn", if you know what I mean.
He's probably at or near puberty, and beginning to resent the power that girls/women suddenly have over him.
What he has written may simply be an (unsuccessful) attempt to put them "in their place", at least in his own mind... to make it to where they do not have such power over him.
You must face the fact that we live in a society that routinely belittles and denigrates females, especially those who are powerful or successful in traditionally male-dominated fields, as well as those who are perceived to "use" their sexuality or attractiveness to gain control over men (ie "hoes", "b*tches", etc).
Even though I'm sure your son did not learn these terms or this way of thinking from you, or in your home, boys can hardly avoid being exposed to and learning sexism/ misogyny at school, in the media, and among their peers.
If I were you, I would not confront him about the private thoughts he has written down; he would see it as an invasion of his privacy, and would be embarrassed, defensive, and resentful.
Instead, I'd simply wait a few days and then initiate a discussion (the first of a series of discussions) about how females are people too, just like males, and about the inappropriateness of over-generalizing, of stereotyping women, and of expressing hostility toward all women in general (or all of any group of people).
Maybe you can get him to open up and discuss examples he's seen (either in the media or among his friends) of females being negatively stereotyped because of their gender.
I am also the mother of teenage boys; it is a struggle and a challenge, but I truly think it is our responsibility to raise our boys to be a different type of men... a type of men that recognize racism and sexism for what they are, and who are willing to fight injustice and to openly defend the equality of all people.
Good luck.

Last edited by Lexi4529; 03-25-2006 at 03:37 PM.

 
Old 03-27-2006, 06:34 PM   #5
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lifechanges HB User
Re: read 11 yr old sons diary ikes!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexi4529
I am also the mother of teenage boys; it is a struggle and a challenge, but I truly think it is our responsibility to raise our boys to be a different type of men... a type of men that recognize racism and sexism for what they are, and who are willing to fight injustice and to openly defend the equality of all people.
This is the BEST advice you could have received, in my opinion of course. Great luck with it all my heart goes out to you!

Peace,

~Julie
__________________
"YOU must be the change you wish
to see in the world." - Gandhi

 
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