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Old 04-18-2006, 06:38 PM   #1
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daystar91 HB User
Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

Need some advice about how to get my lazy fourteen year old off his butt and moving..Here's the thing with my son he is very smart but is not useing it in school, not this year..Use to be a straight A student and in advance classes..Now he is failing everything..Feels that homework just doesn't fit into his social life..He's a popular kid and has i guess a busy social life so he says..I tried to explain to him that popularity isn't going to get him a job later in life..He's very athletic and in every sport going..Even the varsity coach (not Jv that kids usaully try out for at his age)has been looking at him for football and wrestling..He wants to go to Penn state but he wont not with the grades...
Now there is the attitude and the mouthyness..I can't stand it..He likes to plays my husband and i against each other..Like if one says no to whatever he is asking and ask the other..Which gets my husband and i argueing..He tells me to shut up how disrespectful is that, i would have never said that to my parents because i know i would have gotten a smack..When talking to me he is so disrespectful that he raises his voice to me all the time..If he doesn't get his way the whole neighborhood will know it..Punches the walls and freaks out..All over not getting his own way..
At home you ask him to do a chore it's like you have just asked him to do something horrible..Whines and Whines about whatever he has to do..He doesn't do much around the house but he is going on a big school trip so i thought he should have to work for the money atleast a little bit, nope cried over that..His grandmother asked him if he would rake her leaves for 100.00 you think he would have been right over there no he waited two weeks and when he was ready to do it someone else came over and did it..I don't know what to do with him..I can't stand that he is so disrespectful to me..
My son is six foot tall and weighs about 207..He looks solid but the doctor told him not to gain any more weight and that when he was 200..How do you aproach the whole weight thing with a teen without hurting feelings..Thanks..

 
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Old 04-19-2006, 05:10 AM   #2
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tnmomofive HB User
Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

first you have a big boy there 6 foot at 14 wow....sadly I dont have any answers as I am dealing with simular with my 13 yr old son.I have 5 kids but he is my first teenager.I am having a very ruff time as well he is failing school,talks back to me all the time,tells me NO,fights constantly with his brother and sister.Although when his dad say something he listens or when dad is here and I say something he listens as soon as dad is gone he reverts right back to not listening and totaly disrepecting me.My son takes occupational therapy in school for his handwritting (chicken scratch) so I do try to understand sometimes that could be effecting SOME of his grades but talking to teachers a few of them say he hangs with the boys who "just dont care."Now my son isnt into things like smoking or drugs etc. it is just his disrespect and attitude I find myself yelling at him alot because no matter what I do he continues with this attitude.I have him in boy scouts cause he wanted to join that...........I tried to get him baseball but unfortunately his age range doesnt have a team this year.I sometimes take just him (if he has done ANYTHING good) with me to places and talk and listen to him and buy him a meal whatever. This is really driving me nuts his attitude is rubbing off onto my other kids as well.I am not sure what either us can do

Last edited by tnmomofive; 04-19-2006 at 05:15 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 09:21 AM   #3
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daystar91 HB User
Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

I have the same problem with my younger son, he looks up to his older brother but when he sees the way he is talking to me he tends to do the same..I find this so frustrating..I have grounded him took everything away from friends to anything electronic..Nothing seems to work, i don't know what else there is to do..My son does hang out with good kids his best friend is on the honor roll..He is very much into activities like football, basketball, wrestling for years..I don't know where i went wrong..Another thing is that if he doesn't get his own way he actually throws tantrums, that reminds me of a two year old..I'm so stressed over his attitude and for his future...

 
Old 04-19-2006, 10:03 AM   #4
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Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

on the one hand...stay strong...cause "this too shall pass".... remembering that has gotten me thru some tough times!

I have friends with toddlers, who run all over them... I believe soooo strongly that it starts when they're small...when that 1 year old reaches up and smacks you in the face, you do NOT tolerate it...they have to learn very young who's the boss.

Of course, that's all hindsight...

I told my oldest boys once, that I don't care how big they get, if they ever mouth off or are disrespectful, I would jump up and smack em if i had to.... my "troublesome" teen, who is almost 18 now...has failed school, tried drugs, etc...but by some irony, never been disrepsectful, never talked back, etc. My current 14 year old can be a lil sarcastic under his breath, but is never overtly disrespectful..maybe I've been lucky so far in that aspect of things.

What do you do when he's disrespectful? And if it's not working, what other things can you try? I sometimes ask myself... why do we sometimes let our loved ones treat us in ways we wouldn't tolerate from strangers?

I think your son will mature a lot in the next couple years... we saw that with our oldest, 14-16 was the worst..he was very self destructive... but by 16, he started coming out of the fog a bit.

I think if they find a loophole, they're gonna go for it..especially if its worked for them in the past. Maybe you and your husband could get together and make an agreement that you have to talk to each other before letting him go here or there, so he can't pit you against each other? And maybe you could come up with a rule for how to deal with your son when he talks back to you.

An off the wall punishment I came up with once...that worked so well, my oldest still talks about it, was... when he did things he shouldnt, in his case, I found some marijuana in his room....... he lost the PRIVLEGE of having a bedroom door. Man he was livid... and it took him a while, but he learned that this was OUR house, and our rules abide, and that privacy is a privelge, not a right...

 
Old 04-19-2006, 10:35 AM   #5
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lauralu2000 HB User
Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

Hi..okay I just want to ad something that we do in our home.

I do not ground much. Instead I try NOT to react to the behavior when it's happening. Instead the next time I get asked for something. Than I remind them of what happened last. It may have even been something several days agao. But I remind them of it and say no to whatever they are asking for or to do because of the situation that happened prior. This is sooooooooooooooooooooooo difficult at times when your teenager is mouthing off and pushing your every button to make you explode back. I don't even say..you will regret this later. Or just wait until you want to go somewhere with your friends next ect. I just let it happen and get them later.


The other thing I do to get chores done so I am not always argueing over them is when my child asks to go somewhere with friends I give them a job to do before they can go. Like cleaning the downstairs family room... vacume and all. Or whatever it might be you have been wanting them to do or even a job you have not been able to get to yourself because your busy ect. Give it to your child to do. They want something. You want something first. They earn what they want right there on the spot. Might be as simple as a dishwaher unloaded. Or a load of laundry collected from everyone and started in the washer. Boys can do these types of jobs as well as girls.

This of coarse is not without it's difficulties at times. But.....it seems to work for us much of the time. Nothing with teenagers is ever an exact science though.

But don't let them say I gotta go NOW can I do it when I get back. My friends won't wait. Nope...gotta do it now or you can't go.

Teenagers are so hormonally charged at this time in their lives. One moment they are like little sheep the next they are in a state of anger. It's scarry sometimes even. I joking have asked my husband. Was I drunk when we decied to have kids and you got me pregnant?? Cause if i was in my right mind why would I have wanted to do this to myself LOL All in fun you know....

Not sure if I helped any. This is not black and white. You use it in reference to your life. Tweek it as needed ect. Hang in there moms and Dads!!!!!!!

Last edited by lauralu2000; 04-19-2006 at 10:38 AM.

 
Old 04-19-2006, 03:45 PM   #6
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angelique5 HB User
Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

Another thought....how we respond... I think it's really important to stay calm... its like, when my children are small, I save a "spanking" as a last resort. Things lose their meaning when they are overused... so as they become older, I replace spankings, with yelling. I so seldom yell, that when I do, wow, it shocks them ,and they KNOW I'm serious!

I don't know how you generally respond to your son, but if you feel he's tuning you out, perhaps you can come up with another way.

I also like the last posters idea about just keeping tabs until the next time the kids come and ask for something... I think its important that they realize we are human...we hurt, our feelings get hurt, we don't always know what to do, we make mistakes, we try our hardest...and just overall we love them, and want good things for them!

 
Old 04-20-2006, 12:43 PM   #7
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blindsided HB User
Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

My kids are out of the teenage stage (thankfully ), but I have a motto that I lived by when they were going through that stage. My motto was - choose your battles, stay firm on the issues that involve their health, well being and future and maintain a sense of humor whenever possible. If they became disrespectful or problematic and it wasn't something that would harm thier health, well being or future I would say..."oh, geez, the teenage monster is rearing it's ugly head again" and then laugh. It seemed to work because then they would argue that it wasn't true and sometimes forgot what they were being problematic about in the first place. It was not 100% full proof, but did eliminate some of the fighting.

Another thing I did was sit them down before they hit that stage and educated them on puberty (sp?) and adolescense how it might effect them. It was kind of funny because when my oldest daughter was in 6th grade her whole class got into trouble one day. As punishment, the teacher asked them to write down why they were acting the way they were and my daughter wrote that they were going through puberty and that hormones were overriding their better sense of judgement. To this day I am not really sure how the teacher reacted to that, but I thought is was funny.

Anyway, good luck and don't worry it will pass. It sounds like you have been a great parent so far and eventually you will see all of your hard work and worry start to pay off. Both of my daughters seemed to come out of it around the age of 16.

However, I am currently going through another phase with my 24 year old who is working hard to get her career on track and life in general started. She is separating (which is healthy), but not exactly making what I consider good choices in the boyfriend department. I am hoping and praying that it is something that she will come out of eventually. I have given her the information and can only hope that there is a little voice in the back of her head reminding her.

In the end, all you can really do is give them the information and hope that they will use it.

 
Old 04-21-2006, 03:40 PM   #8
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Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

With many teenagers who fall into the abyss of laziness, usually words will not get through to them, nor will hearing the experiences of people who had to deal with the consequences of being chronically lazy. There is a thing called "tough love" - meaning you let your son screw up so he can learn from his mistakes. If he's in danger of repeating a grade, then maybe that's the hard lesson he needs in order to learn that he can't be lazy forever. If talking to him, taking things away, and groundings don't work, then just let him mess up. They learn quick when they find out for themselves.

Either that, or a quick lesson with a belt across his backside. Remember, you're the boss and your son is under your care and your roof, so there's no need to allow him to walk all over you and be disrespectful. Sometimes screaming at them won't work because, like some parents will tune out their screaming babies, teens can tune out bleating parents. I know because I did it all the time when my mom screamed at me.

Maybe I sound harsh, but I'm adamantly pro-spanking. Even when kids get to be teens, words can have little value to them, and they need to be shown that they are wrong or behaving in an unacceptable manner, and if the only way to get them to see that is with a slap in the head, then so be it.

I'll say this in defense of your son - most teenagers get that bratty "I hate you and I hope you die" attitude toward their parents because they feel trapped. If it gets really bad, as in threatening things between you and your husband, then something definitely needs to be done. It's one thing when parents fight with their kids, but when the child pits one parent against the other, you are treading on unsteady ground.

Good luck to you in your time of crisis.

 
Old 04-21-2006, 06:31 PM   #9
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daystar91 HB User
Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

Thanks for your replies..I've started a new route with my son, where as one person replied about you give and i'll give..He wanted to go to a party at his friends house well i need some yard work done, believe it or not it got done and before he went it was all done..I've been using this techinque for the last few days and seems to be working out..As for the attitude i haven't totally figured out how to deal with that one..
As for the reply about letting him make mistakes, i sometimes would like to let that happen but schooling i just can't..He has to get those grades up, he has so many opportunity for next year in the athletic department..The JV basketball team wants him, Varsity not JV wrestling wants him and of course both JV and Varsity football want him..I don't want him to mess up what he has dream for Penn state or Ohio state ..He wants a scholarship for sports..I want him to go as far as he can in life especially education..I know he is capable of getting the work done he's just plain out lazy and needs modivation..If it takes me going to school with him i will..Education is very important so failing is not an option when i know there is no reason for it..As for spanking he's six foot tall and weighs about 200 pounds i don't think it would really effect him..I would love to smack him in the month some days but i just can't..Thanks again..

 
Old 04-22-2006, 07:48 AM   #10
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Re: Teenager, disrespectful, failing school, tantrums-HELP ME...

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa for you!!! That was my idea. We use that with our kids. It does work pretty good most of the time. As far as the attitude goes. Some of it is just going to be so as another poster put it. you need to turn a deaf ear at times and pick your battles. It is always helpfull though to make sure mom and dad are on the same page. Especially with sons. Dads need to be reinforcing that sons be respectful to their moms. Because it can spill over into how they treat their g/f's later in life.

I know what you mean about school. I sometimes tell my oldest. You if think I will just give up and stop getting after you about your school work. YOUR SO WRONG! Don't ever think I will ever stop getting after you about your school work. You hate it when Im on you like this. You get mad back at me for getting mad at you for handing in something late ect. Well.......it's never going to stop!!!!!!!! Because I will never let you forget how smart you are...how much potential you have...how proud I am of what and who you are and what you can become. So don't think it will stop. Because it will not!

OKay I am done rambling. I am just so happy that something is working for you....Good Luck to you and your family.

 
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