[COLOR=Purple]We (three siblings) just found out that we have a half sister. She was our father's daughter from another woman that he never married but also never told our mother during their 30+year marriage. Our father passed away 7 years ago. So after our half sister contacted us, we three siblings met her and we just told our mom who was totally shocked and feels betrayed. But she wants us to keep it a secret from her family and our friends. I'm thinking it would be healthier to accept it, but I don't know how we're all going to move forward with it when only half of us can accept it. Therapy anyone?[
I think its so common for the previous generation to keep thier secrets... I agree with you, that I think it's healthier...its no reflection on your mom that I can see...and your dad isn't here to deal with the "reprecussions" of his past...so it shouldn't be such a big deal. But that old school thinking... that everything was shameful... I feel badly for your mom, that she feels so betrayed by it all.
My friend found out she had a half sister and a half brother. She was excited to see them but she harboured resentment, like I am sure your Mother is feeling. She was upset that her Mother had given her up by raised the other 2. She has never fully gotten over it and she realizes now that she had a better life right where she was. She still talks and hangs out with her half siblings. Eventually your Mom will hopefully come to terms with it! I bet your half sister has some resentment too about never knowing or growing up without her Father! Maybe if you brought that point up to your Mom maybe it might help a tiny bit. You will probably have to waite it out. Hang in there!
I found out a few months ago that i had a half sister. We had always been told my parents meet, fell in love, etc etc. In actual fact both were married when they meet. My father had a two year old daughter who he left to be with my mother. They had 7 children of there own and decided not to tell any of us about our sister - of course all my cousins, aunts, uncles knew but were told never to mention it. After doing a little geneology research I began to realise things were not as it seemed and realised I had a half sister. I began my search for her and found her waiting on genes reunited! I have been on a roller coaster ever since. I told my other 2 sisters who said we should let our parent know that we knew. None of us had a problem with them or their reasons for not telling us but it started to emerge that the had needed to lie on a large number of occasions. All threes sisters visited them to let them know and give them reasurance that it was not a problem for us. The responce has been incredible! My father told me it wasnt my business and his other daughter does not exist in his eyes. Over the next few days I received threatening emails & phone calls from my brothers and one of my sisters telling me I was 'the skum of the earth' for upsetting them. He has since written to his first daughter and accused her of creating all this upset. i have been told to oppologise and to never mention my sisters name again even though I am regular contact. One brother told me I should put her in a box marked 'history'. I cannot beleive anyone could be so cruel to someone who was 2 years old when he left. I am finding it very hard to come to terms with their attitute and have barely spoken to any af my family. I feel for my half sister who would love to meet her dad.(although she now feels differently) She has been so delighted over the last few months getting to know me and one of my other sisters but ironically all of my other siblins have disowned me. I have been told if i want to resume contact with my parents then there must be no mention of the past and of the 'sister'. I would'nt wish for long debates on the matter but a little honest and openess for once in my life wouldnt go amiss and I dont want to live the rest of my life in a panic over letting something slip. If my sister had been the result of an affair and my mother had not been aware of the other daughter then things may have panned out a littlle differently but the fact is all the family knew and my mother was well aware of the other daughter. After reading several of the postings on this site I realise there is not such a thing as a normal family.
I wish my half sisters had been as accepting as you are. I've grown up all of my life knowing that I had an older half sister and a half sister that was just three weeks younger than me. To make a long story short, when my parents met, he told my mom he was divorced, but he wasn't. They were separated, and he lived in another town. By the time my mom found out the truth, she was pregnant with me, and his wife was pregnant with my half sister. My mom never covered anything up and always told us the truth. But, we were never around my half sisters or my grandparents (until I was 15 and my brother 13 and they wanted to meet us), nor my father when he and my mom broke up when I was three, after having another child, my brother.
My half sister and I went to the same school, and although she was a grade behind me, she would often talk about me to some of her friends and it would get back to me. She would tell them my mom was a *****, and that we were the reason her parents split up, even though they never divorced until my mom and dad broke up and my mom met and married my step-dad. She died in a car wreck when we were 16. My brother never got to see her in person until he looked at her in the coffin, and I would have loved to have been able to make up with her. My older sister, who is seven years older than me, won't have anything to do with us either.
Another poster said that the older generations like to keep things secret, and I suppose that's true. My grandparents once asked me how it would look if they had accepted us. I honestly think that's shameful thinking on their part. I do feel bad for your mother though. Your dad should have told her.
A kind of funny story about keeping secrets. When my father's mother died, we went to the funeral. My dad was taking us around meeting people. He kept telling people that we were his children. They assumed we were his stepchildren from the women he had married after he and his first wife divorced. He could never quite explain to some of the older ladies how we were his children, until he told one that we were his children from an affair. Let's just say the funeral home was buzzing after that one.
My sister and I have always been told that our "sperm donor" had 2 other childre, a boy and a girl. We had never met them and we had never met our donor. Heck he wanted to put me up for adoption at birth. With the help of our Grandparents, my Mother raised my older sister and I along with a younger sister from a 2nd marriage all together.
On my 37th birthday our "donor" called my house! We had year long telephone father daughter relationship. I thought he was very nice and he sold me on what a great dad he was to my half siblings. He decided to move to our state. Well, freakishly enough my DH and I bought a house in the same neighborhood as my half sister! My "donor" was living with her in an extra bedroom.
Here's were it all went to heck. The "donor" claimed to be in failing health, needing a kidney and liver transplant. Basically knocking on deaths door. I am the same blood type as he is. BUT, I cannot donate because I have MS, bummer for him. So he ends up having to have some sort of emergency sugery. My half sister and my bio older sister and I finally meet. It was so great we talked like we knew each other forever. She called me from the hospital to tell me that the "donor" had absolutely nothing wrong with his liver or kidneys. The doctor told her they looked fine for a man his age.
Well needless to say we were all stunned and felt duped. She was furious with him for lying to her about all of this. She told him he needed to find a new place to live when he recovered. I basically didn't take his calls anymore and told him that I've lived without him for 37 years, I can do it for another 37.
I have remained close with my half sister for the last 2 years. I don't know my half brother, and I'm not sure I want to, I figure if he wants to know me, he knows where I live, so I don't want to pursure that.
There's so much more to this story, I could write a book. But this is the jist of it.
I think we should be told about our half siblings. It wasn't such a shock for my sister and I. Plus I really love my half sister, and it is so bizarre that we ended up one block away from her.