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Old 06-16-2006, 04:51 PM   #1
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Lovethoscurls

Hi, I'm 'Angel' and I wanted to start a new thread just for your situation. I think you're going to need some support. I wanted to know, is it possible for you to get the kids that were abused to come and live with you? I know it's unlikely that your mom will willingly do this...but is it possible to phrase it in a way that seems beneficial to her and her 'golden child'?

Meaning, "Hey mom, I know you want to bring him home and with the complications of the other children you won't be able to focus on him in the way that he needs you to, so I'll take the others just until things are settled." It's likely that not only will he harm them again, but it may be more violent as he has had it planted in his head that it is more their fault than it is his....therefore, possibly more rage to be directed at them.

Is there any support system around you right now that could help you deal with this? What is being said to these other children IMO is mental abuse and is likely to cause more damage to them than the original acts. I know this from experience. My step dad molested me when I was 15 and I was threatened by my mom when she found out.

She felt I was going after her husband and wanted him.....in a word, ICK! She threatened to send me to the mental homes for troubled youth, sign me over to the state to be given away for adoption or live as a ward of the state, spread lies and rumors about me any means necessary, even in the newspaper if the case ever reached that level, you name it. For almost a year she wouldn't speak to me unless it was to unleash her mouth on me, smack me, hit me, pull my hair, whatever....my then boyfriend (now husband) was the only man to ever stand up to her and if not for him, I would be dead by her hand or mine...thank God for him.

He is the only reason I am alive right now. Not only that, after all this, I was having health complications that ended up being Grave's disease that had gotten so severe, I would have died had I not gotten pregnant at 17, married a few months later, and left. My husband saved my lives in more ways than he will ever know and we went bankrupt a few times because of it and are now just regrouping...it's been hard, but if not for people like him, you are MarkTS, people like me wouldn't have made it.

Can I help you in any way?
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Old 06-16-2006, 05:54 PM   #2
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Re: Lovethoscurls

This is a great idea Angel and I was going to suggest that she get her own thread because I could see as you have the real need for one quite soon. We all must stick together so we can support each other with knowledge, advice and emotional support because you can never have too much of any of these three things can we.

 
Old 06-16-2006, 06:58 PM   #3
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Nope...simply stated and well put.

I hope this is helpful. I have a feeling that they soon will be adding a board for sexual abuse. It needs to be done. They didn't used to have the grief and death and dying boards....and added those when they saw the need. I think this is one that needs to be added as well. This is becoming (if it hasn't already) and epidemic that needs to be stopped.

BTW, doubtful, but did you happen to catch Oprah today? It was on sex-trafficking of children...it made me bawl and thankfully, I held down my lunch.

I wish I could save everyone from ever having to experience this or once they did, just hold them until they know life will be okay again.

I have a serious super-woman complex and not nearly enough stamina to save one corner of the world, let alone the entire thing!!! LOL But, I am trying....same time, same bat channel?? LOL (geez, I feel old that that comment even makes any sense. It probably won't to most...)
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Old 06-19-2006, 05:43 AM   #4
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Angel, I just want to say thank you. For starting this post and your kind words. I have often thought about how to get them out of there, get them with me especially when he gets out. My problems... 1. My grandmother whom I am the primary care taker of is very, very ill right now. 2. I work full time. 3. I just moved in with a very, very wonderful man who had two daughters of his own, I don't know that I can ask them to change their lives like that. I just don't know where to go. It sounds so selfish but I have given up my life for my family, taking care of my sibling and my grandmother. I don't want to lose the relationship I am in now because of all of this. He is truly the love of my life. My options, move into a place of my own and try to make it. That is if my mother would even allow this to happen. I honestly doubt it no matter how I put it. I really don't know that my brother or sister would want to come, as they are both excited that he is up for release because my sister doesn't remember any of it and he has been made to see him as a victim in her eyes that was taken away from them and now he is "coming home". My brother has been told this whole situation is his fault so he is happy, because what "he caused" is going to be fixed. He was suppose to be released several times, once they lived in another state. I quit my job, and moved out there. While I was there my grandmother became very, very sick. She was on a venaltor and I had to come back. He didn't end up getting released and they have since moved back.

I just don't know if there is any way I can "fix" this situation and it makes me ill. I have literally been ill. I raised this children at my own for almost 5 years. My mother pulled my out of school. I did not go to school from the time I was 13. She told the state she was "home schooling" me. She didn't, she never did. I was raising children. Trying to do school work as often as I could. Which wasn't often. Which 3 children to take of , and being a child my self. For a long time I seen this as my fault because I should have known and stopped it, in fact I did know. I didn't "know" but had that gut feeling. I should have stopped it. I should have made my mother listen. I still feel that way to a point, but have realized that really isn't anything I could have done at all, let alone at such a young age. It wasn't a 15 year olds responsibility to stop this, or know that this was going on. I still some how feel responsible. Between all of this and my grandmother, who is with no doubt the only person who has been there for me all of my life. My grandmother, my mentor, my mother, and my best friend. Anyway sorry I know this has turned into more and more issues with every sentence. I will stop listing them. lol. Thanks for listening.

Last edited by lovethoscurls; 06-19-2006 at 05:44 AM.

 
Old 06-19-2006, 08:45 PM   #5
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Angel77, this is a great idea..There are so many people out there that need i'm sure would use this thread..
I have to tell you that mine and your past are so similiar..I was young when i was molested by my step father from the age of five until he commit suicide when i was 11..When i tried to tell my mother when i was young i think about five or six she spanked me..When i was about 16 i was able to tell her and she called me a liar...With in months i was kicked out of her house for just any simple reason she could find...She disowned me for two years, being a young girl i was lost..When i called her she hung up the phone and i was not allowed to visit her..
My life saver was my son..I did have him at a young age 16 but without him i feel that i would not have the strength to go own for myself but i pulled it together for him..I then married this wonderful man..He gave me everything that i need in life i was missing, love, support...He pulled me up when i was really down...The family i once wished for myself i could give to my children..After eleven years of marriage through the ruff times and good he is still the one who makes my heart flutter..

 
Old 06-20-2006, 11:42 AM   #6
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Dear Lovethoscurls....you can't really fix what you didn't break. I understand that you feel selfish, but I think you need and deserve the time to make a go of it with your new family. I had a lady who has been involved in my life on a very limited basis (due to my mom, if she knew her friend took the time to talk with me and be a comfort, we'd of both been shot!) and even though it was only a few times a year at times, she made all the difference in the world to me.

She was the ONLY one I had in my life who let me know I was worth anything, was a good kid and acknowledged my life for the daily struggle that it was. It was a true lifesaver to have her. (It's killing me because I found out last April she is dying from cancer and probably doesn't have long to live...I found out she was sick, quietly wished it was my mom, then my mom did get sick and died a few months later and now I'm losing her) She was all I needed to be on the right track for a normal life.

For many kids in the situation you find your siblings in, just knowing that there is someone on the outside who will be their hero, champion and fighter, it's enough to keep them going.

Now, what I say next is going to sound so cliche, but have you thought of calling Dr. Phil?? I saw him do a show the other day on this topic and it was great...on top of that, he will help you and your family get all the help you need and it will be your brothers best chance of turning himself around, if there is a chance.

Know what I mean? It's worth a try. The worst that can happen is you don't get a reply, but with your story, It's doubtful. I would even e-mail him with links to this board because then their staff can read for themselves what is going on, without you having to write a novel down. You could probably write a brief over-view of everything and then let them know if they want more in depth, they can either ask or read it here.

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 06-20-2006, 11:52 AM   #7
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Thanks Angel. It is just so hard to watch what they are have to deal with and what they will probably have to deal with in a few months. I really don't think I could the Dr. Phil thing. My mother would cut off all contact if I did something like that. She has threatened in her own way without saying it the past. It might be an idea though. I really don't know that I want the world to know this about this. The brother that is away has been in counseling from the time he was able to speak, the brother he did this to went into counseling afterwards and they say he is fine. How can he be fine?? I think he doesn't tall how he really feels because he feels it is his fault so he just acts "OK". They said he was fine so my mother took him out of counseling. I have begged her to take him back she refuses saying he was there they said he was fine. I don't think there is a "fine" after something like this happens. I have confronted her about saying "The wrong one is in jai". She doesn't seem to care.

My mother is one of a kind, and so is her husband. I just wish there was something I could do, but I know if I try anything drastic I will no longer be able to see or talk to them at all.

 
Old 06-20-2006, 12:00 PM   #8
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Daystar...I feel your pain sweetpea and it stinks. I know the feeling you're going through and it's so hard. Even before my mom died, she never would acknowledge the pain she caused me and I wasn't going to push it, because she was still my mom and I was losing her. In the end, it would have a lifted a huge burden off my shoulders and made me feel like I mattered, but for whatever reason (that wasn't my fault) she was not capable of doing this.

I still struggle with it. I also struggle with the fact, the the first toad who molested me as a kid, finally got put in jail a few years ago. I saw his face in the paper and about died. I immediately called the detective on the case and offered him my help and let him know that this was not the first time he'd done this...and wouldn't be the last if they didn't do something quickly.

Thankfully, he was fully prepared for someone like me to call. He said in his gut he knew there were more victims...I told him for me it had been 2 decades ago...and you could hear his heart sink, thinking about how many more damaged kids were out there.

While he was out on bail from these charges (of drugging and ****** two teens) he molested 10 and 11 yr.old girls, got busted, and then raped a 4 year old! I wanted to break his neck and the court system for letting the fruit loop out while waiting for trial.

It's hard because once you have been victimized it seems like it continues to happen. Almost as if you have a secret sign only pervs can see on your forehead...it stinks.

I really think they can sense it, the same way an animal senses fear. I am proud to say after the molestation by step-dad, assault by massage therapist, and finding the right counselor, I seem to have lost my victim stamp!! I feel much more confident than ever...the nice thing that I wouldn't trade about these experiences, is the same way they find us, we seem to sense them....and if we listen to our gut, we can hopefully save someone else from this.

My mom's ex-boyfriend was a creep (still is) and he was clingy to my niece and I guess I scared him because when I would walk into the house he would clam up. My sister said I would almost look at him like fresh meat (and would glare at him the way my wolves would...used to rescue and rehabilitate them) and I would almost growl at him...I'm sorry, It's cracking me up right now to imagine what I must have looked like to him...you have to understand, that I'm 5'0" tall and look like a cross between Dolly Parton (seriously) and Natalie Maines (lead singer of the Dixie Chicks...think the song, Earl had to die and you'll have a pretty good idea of my attitude when it comes to things like this...otherwise, I'm honestly rather friendly..PROMISE!!!LOL)

But he would go to the furthest corner of the room to avoid me, wouldn't hardly talk to anyone and would cow down a bit, he'd shrink a few inches, litterally....and I'd just growl like a werewolf when I'd talk AT him...not much TO him....I snarled one day that if he knew what was good for him, he'd take his hands off my niece, go sit down, eat his dinner and play wallflower....My sister still has no idea how I did it to him, but I think he knew that he had no choice or I'd swallow him whole.

In a way I feel a little bad to treat another human being that way, but something about him just wasn't right, everyone knew it, but no one would act on it...I didn't know how not to.

I have gotten that way since confronting my first molester in a grocery store where I worked several years ago. At first, he scared me. It was almost like being 5 again, then I realized, not only could he not hurt me, he was actually in a bit of danger. The next time I saw him, he was with little kids and I lost it. I got on the intercom and said, "Would the pedophile on aisle 5 please come to the front of the store, the cops will be waiting." I said it just like I would any other announcement, but you could hear the entire store go silent, then his foot steps and he hauled butt out of the store.

It was all I could do to keep myself from crumpling on the floor laughing. I did it a few more times to him (you think he'd of learned by now that this store was not safe for him to be in!!!DUH!!!!), then another time, I was shopping after work, buying produce and he ran into my cart without thinking, he looked up, turned white and tried so fast to get out of there, he was talking to himself and knocked down two tables of produce (apples and oranges I might add!!) and ran out of there again. I loved that feeling. In fact, it's a little theraputic now, I'm just beaming ear to ear! Probably more something suited for the Jerry Springer show, but I do not care, I feel good about it.

Anyhow, that's just a bit more of my story...BTW, my best-friend's husband works at the prison he is at and I plan on taking him out to dinner and finding out just how well my dear little friend is fending off his new found fame and fresh meat in the penal system......HEHEHEHE

Toodles for now, I'm feeling pretty good so I'm going off to do something good for the world...Heaven knows it needs it.

........................Angel
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Old 06-20-2006, 12:11 PM   #9
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Unfortunately your mom is not one of a kind, mine was very similar and if you crossed her, she'd make sure you were sorry and everyone knew it.

I would dare say that your brother didn't talk much to the counselor about his honest feelings because he was afraid of your mom. I would say, maybe back down as far as she goes, so that you can fly under the radar and you could be your sibs confidant...just let him know that he can be honest with you...or better yet, refer him to a website (like this or one tailored to this situation for victims) and help him find his way. Let him know he is not to blame...as you can not make someone hurt you in this way. It is their choice and although some other factors may have contributed to what his brother did to him, it still wasn't HIS fault.

Even though he may not say much at the time, it will be a great relief to hear it from someone who loves him the way you do.

How old is he now? How long ago was all this? How long did it last and what exactly happened if you know? I'm sorry I can't remember all the details, but I think it would be great to lay them all out on this thread so others can see what happened...it may help others, too. Also, do you know why your bro offended? Was he a victim at one point? And if so, do you know by who?

Lots of questions, sorry, but it helps to know, as we may point you in a better direction.

Talk to ya soon.
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Old 06-20-2006, 12:45 PM   #10
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angel77
Unfortunately your mom is not one of a kind, mine was very similar and if you crossed her, she'd make sure you were sorry and everyone knew it.

I would dare say that your brother didn't talk much to the counselor about his honest feelings because he was afraid of your mom. I would say, maybe back down as far as she goes, so that you can fly under the radar and you could be your sibs confidant...just let him know that he can be honest with you...or better yet, refer him to a website (like this or one tailored to this situation for victims) and help him find his way. Let him know he is not to blame...as you can not make someone hurt you in this way. It is their choice and although some other factors may have contributed to what his brother did to him, it still wasn't HIS fault.

Even though he may not say much at the time, it will be a great relief to hear it from someone who loves him the way you do.

How old is he now? How long ago was all this? How long did it last and what exactly happened if you know? I'm sorry I can't remember all the details, but I think it would be great to lay them all out on this thread so others can see what happened...it may help others, too. Also, do you know why your bro offended? Was he a victim at one point? And if so, do you know by who?

Lots of questions, sorry, but it helps to know, as we may point you in a better direction.

Talk to ya soon.

The eldest brother is now 19 he was 13 (less then 2 months from 14 or would have been tried as an adult) when I found out. The younger brother was 15 and was 9 at the time and my sister is just now 9 only 4 at the time. I would guess it was going on for at least a year with my brother and probably 2 with my sister. If not longer. The offender was in a situation with a women who was 22 when he was 13, but this was after the molesting started, when he asked her to touch "him" she refused, he insisted, she still refused, she finally did. They both say this is what happened. She was charged with child endangering, and pled guilty.

I walked in many times from the time my sister was 2 and still in diapers that he would be in her room with her, when she was in bed, he would be laying with her in bed with her diaper off. He always had a reason...She needed changed, she took it off, on and on. I brought it to the attention of my mom and she told me I was crazy. Then she would start saying things when she was 3 or 4 about his "circle thing" and her behind. God it makes me sick to even think of this again. I brought it to my mothers attention again, she blamed me saying I probably left HBO on when I fell asleep and she seen something on there. Or that I was telling her to say it. She would never tell my mother. So I was making it up. I was only 14 or 15 at this time raising and taking care of all 3 so there wasn't much I could do.

Then on night my aunt and uncle came over to play games, both brothers were upstairs, I heard the youngest scream bloody murder. I ran up stairs to see the oldest run out of the bathroom naked, walked in the bathroom to find the youngest in the tub. I asked him what happened he told me he tried to penetrate him and that is why he screamed. I literally beat the crap out of the oldest called the police and called my parents. My parents came home, police already there. He told the police I beat him up and they asked if I wanted to do it again. They did not arrest him. My youngest brother said it has happened many times before not actual penetration though, him forcing him to touch and kiss.

He finally went to juvy when he admitted counselors in a meeting when being given a voice analyzing test that he also abused my sister. I could have killed him and my mother. I love my youngest brother to death and did take care of him but my sister was like my daughter, and only 4!! I hated him, I wanted to never see or speak to him again and I haven't. My mother hates me for and doesn't understand. He has sent me letters and things but I haven't responded.

Also, when he was about 11 and I was 13 I was asleep on the couch and he put his hands down my pants. This was before all of the other.

My brothers parents tell him (the victim) that it is his fault his brother is in jail, and that the wrong one went to jail. My sister doesn't remember it as far as I know.

He will be up for release again soon. So far we have been lucky enough for his "bad behavior" so he doesn't get out yet. When he get's out they plan on letting him come home with them, with the children he hurt. IF the courts allow it. They may, if they hold him until he is 21 there is nothing they can do, he is free to live there. Even if he gets out before that, they may allow him back in the home. I don't get that at all!!

Last edited by lovethoscurls; 06-20-2006 at 12:50 PM.

 
Old 06-21-2006, 11:39 AM   #11
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Re: Lovethoscurls

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, does that get across my frustration???? Okay, is there any way that you can talk to the people in charge of your brother and explain what you have told us here? It may make a difference when they realize that your mom is not taking this seriously and he'll be put in the home with the children he victimized.

He sounds like something is wrong in his brain and everything in my gut is screaming he otta be shot...hate to say it, but he does not sound rehabilitatable at all. He is going to damage so many more lives. It's sick and wrong.....and that's being polite and putting it mildly.

Does he have a counselor in control of him that you may speak to? I would tell them everything...including his touching you at such a young age...he's touching and damaging anyone he can get his hands on. In fact, I bet if they asked around, he's probably even been doing it to other kids in the detention center. That may be some of the bad behavior...fights errupting without realizing that they're related to this situation.

I don't know how I can help, but I will do whatever I can from here, even if it's just moral support.

I'll check back with you soon. Good luck.
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Old 06-21-2006, 12:22 PM   #12
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Re: Lovethoscurls

I really don't know how to get in touch with his counselors or probation officer. His probation office called me once to ask if I would consider visiting him, I told him yes only because I wanted to get there so I could talk to someone. This was almost a month ago though, no contact since. It also scares me that my mother will find out about it and no longer allow the younger two to contact me. I can't lose that line of communication. If I would talk to someone and there is nothing they can do, then she finds out, he moves back in and I have no way to know if they are ok or not. It honestly just seems like a lose, lose situation. I don't know what to do, other than be there for them and to pray...


Thanks Angel...

 
Old 06-21-2006, 08:37 PM   #13
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Re: Lovethoscurls

I would pretend to be meeting to see him and then size up the counselor to see if you feel they would be open to getting the information but not passing along the fact that they know it or who gave it to them. Is it possible to speak with a nurse or some other coordinator at the facility and ask them for advice?

Or, could you call them, without giving your info and just ask for some advice on how to handle the situation?

Something needs to be done, I know you're doing your best and what you've been handed is a heavy load...I wish I could help you more...best wishes, I'll keep y'all in my prayers.
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Old 06-23-2006, 08:00 AM   #14
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Angel~ I found a couple different number to call. One is a number just for victims of crimes by juvenile offenders to call to discuss things like their release. Maybe I will have some luck!

 
Old 06-23-2006, 09:53 PM   #15
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Re: Lovethoscurls

Hey, did those numbers pan out? Did you get any results on it yet?

If not, don't hesitate to ask for referrals. A lot of times, they don't offer and sometimes don't even like to do the extra leg work, but if you ask nicely, often they will help you get started in the right direction.

But, ask precise questions, or you're likely not going to be given all the information you should get.

Let me know how it's all going.
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