I really didnt think i would ever need to seek help or advice from strangers with parenting issues, but i have been proven wrong.
First of all i want to apologise for the long post that is going to be and also say i am grateful to any advice anybody can give me coz i am really at my wits end.
I will start at the beginning..............
I have 3 children, 2 boys and 1 girl. the boys are 13 and 8 and my girl is 6. The problem is with my 13 year old.
In may of this year my son needed a new mobile phone, so we ended up spending £130 on a new phone for him. The he needed new trainers so that was another £40. then his bike needed repairing si that was another £45. He kept asking me to find him a job so he could make his own money. I wne tto the effort of finding him a paper round, delivering the local papers once a week and he gets £13 for it.
The money was going into my bank account as he needed to save up for a family holiday and he is going away the end of this month with his rugby team. I was giving him the loose change and keeping the notes in the bank for him, which my son adn i agreed to. Since he has had his paper round we have done nothing but argue due to the laziness of him not wanting to do it and expecting me to help. Which i refused.
One day we were arguing again about his paper round, he then accused me of spending his money. I was really hurt by this as he knew what he needed to save it for and we both agreed. Once he accused me of this i went to the bank and withdrew the money he had saved up in total it was £50. I gave him the £50. In 2 days he had spent the full amount on crisps, sweet and drinks from the shop.
He has gave up this paper round and has now found himself another paper round, so far my husband wakes him up before he goes to work so that he is up in time to do his papers, since he has started it he got back into bed and been late every morning.
He then came to me asking for money and i refused. He had money and decided to blow the lot.
His attitude has got worse. I have told him that if his younger brother trys to annoy him he must come and tell me so that i can deal with it. But he isnt, instead he is using his fists and leaving brusies on him. Today he pushed his brothers face into the carpet and told him to lick it and punched him 3 times in his arm.
I ground him, but yet he sits in his bedroom shouting out of the window to his friends. I ask him why and he lies to me.
I have tried taking priveleges away from him, i have tried sitting him down and talking to him, i have grounded him, i have refused to give him money but yet nothing is working.
What hurts me alot is the way he is treating his brother, it is alomost as if he hates him. For example his younger sister asked him if she could taste something that he was eating, he said yes but yet wouldnt let his brother. To me this is horrible treatment.
I really dont know what to do anymore. An di am finding it hard, i have cried a few times over this.
I can relate to you. My son is 12, then three girls 10, 6 and 17 months.
My son was so great until lately. Thankfully, I realize it is a phase that will pass during/after high school. I've done a lot of research.
What works for us -
1. He gets an allowance (he is also allowed to wash neighbor cars for extra $$) at the beginning of the week. He is not allowed to have his allowance though until the last day of the week (Friday for us). At that time he gets what he has "earned". I do not nag him during the week (though it does take major willpower at times). If he has not kept up with his chores or has been horrible to his sisters, he has money taken away from his allowance. Some weeks, he has ended up with none. I give him a written note of what he had money taken away for. We can discuss the note if he'd like, or not.
If he has major issues, hitting, severe name calling, lack of respect, lying, we take away a privilege for 2 weeks. It is always something he loves, dirt bike, television time, computer time. Perhaps for your son, it could be his phone. Personally, I do not believe any child should have a cell phone, but that's another topic.
The biggest advice I received that also works is to NOT yell, no matter how angry you are. If you are too mad to talk to him without yelling, tell him to go in his room and you'll speak to him when you're under control. Same rule goes for him, he cannot yell at you, you can all talk calmly until you're blue in the face, but no yelling/screaming.
Also, his younger sisters can often be the little stinkers in the situation. Doing things to purposely get their brother in trouble. Perhaps that could be going on in your house? Of course he is jealous of his younger brother, he doesn't understand all these wacky changes puberty is putting him through, all he sees is that his little brother isn't having to deal with it.
When I know that the younger girls are just as culpable as he is, we do this -
1. They must sit and hold hands and look at each other and say 5 things they like about the other person.
They will rant and rave how unfair it is and they don't want to do it, but stick with it.
Good luck, this pre-teen/teenager stuff is horrid. I always take a deep breath and think back to what I was like at that age.
Thanks for that, i may try some of your tips, i just feel like im fighting a losing battle at the moment and it does get me down
hes 13 and he shouldnt be back chatting or doing the things he is doing. Sometimes when i look at him i think back to when he was younger and how cute and polite he was, so loving but now i cant understand where its all come from.
I know his hormones are changing and hes trying to deal with that but i cant help him when he behaves the way he does.
Many thanks for your advice and time to reply, much appreciated