New stepmum-having problems
Hi, I am looking for advice or any type of help possible. I am 24 and I have been married to my hubby for just over 3 years now. Until the end of March this year we had always had his son from his forst marriage over to visit with us every Friday through to Sunday evening and every Wednesday for tea. We have always paid maintenance and much more besides that. I found I enjoyed having my stepson for those times and we did many activities together that were fun and it was all really enjoyable.
Anyway, 18 months ago my hubbys ex had all her children taken off her (she has 5 by 5 different fathers) and my hubby's son was the only child to go into foster care. This was becuase Social Services did not beleive that I could care for a child as I have 2 illnesses which means I am classed as disabled, however I had been to university and at that point had been in a full time job as a benefits officer for 4 years. In my long term plan I wanted a good career and never wanted children, I still don't.
To cut a long story short, in March this year after a real battle my hubby was awarded custody of his son, but only on the provision that I gave up my job, as (in Social Services words) "It is up to you Kate as the woman to be at home and care for him". So that is what I had to do. I gave up all my dreams, not to mention my income to look after an emotionally disturbed little 4 year old.
I want to do the best possible job, but I just don;t know what to do. Nothing come naturally, I find I am easily irritated all of the time, I feel worthless and useless. I just don;t have a clue. We are so skint that at times we cannot afford to buy milk if we run out. I am not able to do things like go out for a walk becuase of my disabilities, and I find I am just stuck at home day in day out. I guess I also feel resentful becuase I used to be known for my skills in my job, my IQ and I really prided myself on that. I feel as though my life has been sacrificed for a child which is not even mine. It was not even my choice. When I was told that we could only have custody if I gave up work I could hardly say no could I? The alternative would have been for the child to be adopted and I couldn't do that to my hubby.
I do love the little one, but I never wanted kids and I just don't know how to deal with him, I don't know what to do with him. I can do all the prcticle things, you know feeding, washing etc but I seem to spend alot of my time shouting, which I hate. He takes 1 1/2 hours to eat a sandwich which just annoys me.
I must osund like the most horrid person in the world, honestly I am not. I am just confused and I don't know what to do. Can anyone offer any advice?