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Old 10-13-2006, 05:57 AM   #1
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Lightbulb Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

I AM A MOTHER TO TWO BOYS. MY OLDEST IS 3 1/2 AND MY YOUNGEST IS 8MONTHS. I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM AND I FEEL LIKE I AM SO LOST AND NEEDING HELP. MY 3 YEAR AND I HAVE SOME MAJOR ISSUES. HE IS A DADDYS BOY AND WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING I SAY. HE IS DEFIANT AND HITS BOTH ME AND HIS LITTLE BROTHER. I CANNOT TAKE HIM ANYWHERE (LIKE A STORE) WITHOUT HIM GOING TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON NOW FOR QUITE A WHILE. I TRY TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND ABOUT IT BUT HE NEVER HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS, AS HE DOES NOT SEE ANY OF MY SONS ACTIONS WHILE HE IS AT WORK. I MEAN MY SON DOES NOT INSTANLY BECOME AN ANGEL WHEN DAD IS HOME BUT HE LISTENS WHEN TOLD TO. WHEN MY SON IS MISBEHAVING AND I HAVE TO PUNISH HIM, ITS LIKE HE IS NOT FAZED BY ANYTHING I DO. HE IGNORES ME WHEN I TALK TO HIM AND AFTER HIS TIME OUT OR BEING SENT TO HIS ROOM HE ACTS AS IF NOTHING EVEN HAPPENED. FOR EXAMPLE, JUST THE OTHER DAY I WAS ON THE PHONE BENDING DOWN PUTTING MY SHOES ON GETTING READY TO LEAVE TO GO TAKE MY SON TO PRESCHOOL, HE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT I CAN'T DO MUCH WHEN ON THE PHONE AND ACTS UP. WELL ON THIS DAY HE WALKED UP TO ME AND PUNCHED ME IN THE MOUTH. I WAS IN A STATE OF SHOCK. I MEAN WHERE DOES HE EVEN LEARN THIS STUFF! WHEN EVER WE TRY TO GO OUT AS A FAMILY HE ALWAYS YELLS AT ME THAT ONLY HIM AND DADDY ARE GOING NOT ME AND HIS YOUNGER BROTHER, WHICH IN TURN GETS ME SO UPSET AND CAUSES A FIGHT BETWEEN HIS FATHER AND I. I AM TO THE POINT NOW WHERE I DON'T ENJOY MY SONS COMPANY AT ALL. THERE ARE TIMES I THINK I NEED TO JUST TAKE MY YOUNGEST AND LEAVE SO EVERYNTING IS SOLVED AND I CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN. I DREAD MY DAYS AND COUNT THE HOURS TILL ITS BED TIME FOR HIM. WHEN HE GETS TO GO HAVE FUN, I THINK TO MYSELF WHY DOES HE GET TO HAVE FUN AND BE HAPPY WHEN I NEVER CAN. ALL I HAVE ANYMORE IS ANGER ANGER AND MORE ANGER TOWARDS HIM. MY HUSBAND TELLS ME HES ONLY 3 AND YOU HOLD ON TO THE THINGS HE DOES WAY TO LONG. SO CAN ANYONE TELL ME HOW TO LET GO OF ALL THE ANGER WHEN I HAVE TO KEEP DEALING WITH ALL OF THIS ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS. I TRY TO WAKE EVERY MORNING AND SAY OK, THIS IS A NEW DAY, L ETS TRY TO MAKE IT A GOOD ONE. BUT IT NEVER HAPPENS, MY SON ALWAYS DOES SOMETHING TO SPOIL ANY FUN WE COULD HAVE HAD.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME OR MAYBE SUGGEST A TYPE OF PROFESSINAL I MAY BE ABLE TO TALK TO. I AM SO LOST AND I FEEL I AM AT MY WITS END WITH ALL OF THIS AND THAT I NEED TO START MAKING PLANS TO GO IF SOMTHING DOES NOT CHANGE.

THANKS FOR LISTINING

 
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:24 AM   #2
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's tough. That being said, I noticed you said he "spoils all the fun" and he "gets" to go and do things and you don't and that you think you'd be better of leaving and having the life you had before. Those types of statements sound like jealousy and envy on your part. Perhaps your ideas of having a child were way out of line with how it is in reality. We tend to think being a Mom will be so fun, fulfilling, you'll love this baby, you and your husband will be so in love, blah blah In reality, a lot of the time, it's not so fun at all, it's stressful, expensive, one parent always seems to take on more burden than the other and to top it all off, we don't always love that kid like we thought we would.

I have 4 kids and I can honestly say there is one of them that I just don't click with. I love her, but personality wise, we are not a fit at all.

Were you a SAHM before you had your son? Maybe being at home isn't right for you, it's nothing to be ashamed of, perhaps a part time job would be a good approach.

Is your son acting out at preschool? I'm betting he's acting out at you because he senses your animosity towards him and he really loves you and is trying to get you to love him back the way he needs. Think of it like this, when a boy picks on a girl say, or when a girl flirts with a boy, half the time you think they really hate each other, when in fact, it's completely the opposite.

I don't think your DH realizes how ambivalent you feel towards your son. Have you told him you feel like leaving would be a good option? What are you going to do when your baby reaches 3 years old and is acting the same way? What did you do when he punched you in the mouth?

I really think that your sons behavior is secondary to the personal stuff going on within yourself. It's perfectly fine to be at your wits end with your kid and need help or need to distance yourself. Doesn't make you a bad Mom. Once you're happy with everything about yourself, you can be a better parent for your son. Could he go to preschool full time for a while?

 
Old 10-13-2006, 08:56 AM   #3
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllTheLarsons
I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's tough. That being said, I noticed you said he "spoils all the fun" and he "gets" to go and do things and you don't and that you think you'd be better of leaving and having the life you had before. Those types of statements sound like jealousy and envy on your part. Perhaps your ideas of having a child were way out of line with how it is in reality. We tend to think being a Mom will be so fun, fulfilling, you'll love this baby, you and your husband will be so in love, blah blah In reality, a lot of the time, it's not so fun at all, it's stressful, expensive, one parent always seems to take on more burden than the other and to top it all off, we don't always love that kid like we thought we would.

I have 4 kids and I can honestly say there is one of them that I just don't click with. I love her, but personality wise, we are not a fit at all.

Were you a SAHM before you had your son? Maybe being at home isn't right for you, it's nothing to be ashamed of, perhaps a part time job would be a good approach.

Is your son acting out at preschool? I'm betting he's acting out at you because he senses your animosity towards him and he really loves you and is trying to get you to love him back the way he needs. Think of it like this, when a boy picks on a girl say, or when a girl flirts with a boy, half the time you think they really hate each other, when in fact, it's completely the opposite.

I don't think your DH realizes how ambivalent you feel towards your son. Have you told him you feel like leaving would be a good option? What are you going to do when your baby reaches 3 years old and is acting the same way? What did you do when he punched you in the mouth?

I really think that your sons behavior is secondary to the personal stuff going on within yourself. It's perfectly fine to be at your wits end with your kid and need help or need to distance yourself. Doesn't make you a bad Mom. Once you're happy with everything about yourself, you can be a better parent for your son. Could he go to preschool full time for a while?

I really think you hit it on the button. I was not ready for a child. I have often thought maybe I am this way do to resentment. My husband and I had just moved in togather and were ready to start a fun filled life togather before even thinking of having kids. I found out I was pregnant a month after we moved in togather. My pregnancy was filled with me wishing this never happened. Not to mention my husband kept on having the fun outside life that we had both wanted while I got to sit at home and be pregnant. After my son was born I was trying to find a job and strugglng with money issues. I feel I never got to really have the bonding time I needed to have with my son and thats why we're at were we are today. I feel that if I leave him then maybe he has a better shot at having a good love filled life, my husband will meet another woman who may be able to love my son better than I. It kills me to even think of this stuff but I don't want to see my son and I grow to hate each other and then in turn scar him for life. My second son was a blessing to me, I was ready for him and I have had the bond I needed with my first son. I love my second son with every part of me and I know that has to show which in turn makes my oldest son resent his little brother. My son does not act out in school, at all. Its only to me. I know I need help but I have no clue where to start. I feel so ashamed of myself, no matter what I am told. I try to talk to my husband about my feelings and he makes me out to be a monster. You asked what I did when he punched me. I gave him a time out, which is a battle in it self. Then I took him to school and told his father about it. He dad picked him up from school and said that he yelled at my son for what he did and that was it. I won't hit my son, I feel then that will make things worse between us. I am so lost and confused. I stay awake nights and just cry trying to figure out what to do and where I went so wrong with him. I wonder how I will ever be able to fix this, its just not fair. If any one has a type of specialist that I should contact that info would be so helpful. I need all the help I can get.

Thanks for your reply.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 09:16 AM   #4
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

Do you ever spend time with just your older son? Give you husband some time to bond with the younger one and maybe take your older son to the park and spend some time playing with just him? You do need some time to bond with him but if he thinks that you love the baby more than him, you need to show him that you love him just as much and the easiest way to do that is to spend special time with just him in the evenings when your husband is home to watch the baby.

I went through this with my oldest daughter because I was very young when I had her and was not ready. I found that once I started trying to bond with her it was not hard especially as long as I set aside some special time with just me and her, even if it was just 15 min a day. Start out slow with just taking your son outside to play when your husband is inside with the baby.

Never let yourself think you are a bad mother, because a bad mother would not care or stay up at night thinking about these things. Wanting to make it right and get help make you a good mother!!!

 
Old 10-13-2006, 02:19 PM   #5
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

This sounds to me a lot like post partum depression. Believe me, I had it and I know how awful it is and how awful it can make you feel. I was 16 when I got pregnant with my son and he is now almost three. Thank goodness I got counseling when I realized something wasn't right. I think you should do the same. PPD is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a natural thing that many women go through-especially when they are not ready for a baby. (I was 16 and definately not ready!) I really empathize with you but I think right now you need to let your husband in on the whole truth of how you are feeling, he needs to be supportive, you should look for a part time job to get yourself away for a while (every good mom knows she needs a break), and you need to get professional help. You cannot beat these feelings on your own. But you can with help. I now love to spend time with my son and am able to spend hours on end with him and have just given birth to a gorgeous girl two months ago. You can beat this you just need help! Good luck and I will be praying for you!

P.S. Tell yourself every day "I am not a bad mom." It sounds corny but it helps. There are still days I have to do this. And for both of us it is the truth.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 09:13 PM   #6
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

I wonder if your son is picking up on your negative feelings and acting out. He definately sounds like he is being very bad. I was especially disturbed when you said he punched you in the mouth. My pregnancy was unplanned but I had a good baby to compensate and my husband never went out and continued having fun without me. We both made lifestyle changes to be parents. My son is hard a lot of times usually with his crying but he doesn't have a nasty attitude at all. It would be hard to like your son when he acts like he does! Do you have friends that are moms? Sounds like you may feel very alone in your problems. I hated my situation as a stay at home mom until I moved into a neighborhood that had a lot of young moms to make friends with. I don't know who you could contact for help. But if time out isn't working well for you I have heard that postive reinforcement for the good things and then taking away a favorite toy or daily activity works well too. I am sorry I wish I could help more.

 
Old 10-14-2006, 09:52 AM   #7
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

Maybe both you and your husband need to go for counselling as it doesn't seem that he understands the problem. It must be very hard for you and I can see how much you are trying to be honest, caring and want the best for your son. It is not your fault. It sounds to me as if you need support, not blame. Go and explain things to your doctor and ask to be referred for counselling or some other psychological therapy. I am optimistic that you will be able to improve the situation for you and your family.
You are a good and worthy person, believe in yourself.
Maya

 
Old 10-16-2006, 06:10 AM   #8
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

Thanks to everyone who gave me there advise, and if anyone has more it is still much appreciated. Today and I going to call and make a doc appoiment and see what she has to say, and if maybe she can recommend someone I can talk to. I am also going to try to talk to my husband about my feelings some more. I have tried in the past and he just seems to not understand at all, which I really don't expect him to. But he also makes me feel horriable for my feelings. He needs to know that we are in this togather and that I need him to be my husband and listen when I need to talk. This is what I am going to stress to him. I will post more after my doc appoiment.

Thanks Again Everyone!
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Old 10-16-2006, 12:00 PM   #9
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

Sounds like he does this because he is let to do it. What did you do when he punched you in the mouth? I would say the whole family may need some therapy. Does dad see these things? Does he act that way to dad????????? Man, there are some major problems here and I hope you resolve them before he gets any older........I'd hate to see what he does when he's a teenager...........wow.........:confused :
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Old 11-03-2006, 06:21 AM   #10
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Re: Help!! I Am A Bad Mom

You have no authority with this child. Are you afraid that if you discipline him that he won't love you anymore? He might be upset with you because you are yelling at him all of the time and you are angry. It is not okay that he hits you and you have to tell him this and he has to be disciplined. He has to consistently be disciplined every time. It will probably get worse before it gets better but you have to hang in there and stick with the plan in order for his behavior to change. I'll bet you two have zero positive interactions. You have to turn this around and start doing positive things with him. I am sure that he can sense your anger. If you start to have positive interactions with him you will have less anger. You are probably angry with him too because he says things to you that are rejecting you. After I wrote the above I finished reading the thread where you wrote about the bonding problem. Another poster addressed this well. You need to bond with him. He can certainly sense this.

Last edited by Sannah; 11-03-2006 at 06:26 AM.

 
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