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Old 11-18-2006, 09:46 AM   #1
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Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

I have tried spanking, time outs and taking things away but nothing works. Now he's saying bad words which he has learned from me and dad. He hits his sister and I put him in time out but he does it again. At preschool he's such a good boy but at home he's not!! It's worse snice my husband has been working longer hours!! I have no control over my son!! HELP!!!

 
Old 11-18-2006, 12:20 PM   #2
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Time-outs are also known to not work, so that did not surprise me. Have you considered taking away his toys or other favorite things when he acts up? Like when he hits his sister, tell him "no" and if he still does not listen, give him a smack on the hand and say "no" more firmly. If he does it a third time, give him a spanking and take away one of his toys. Put it in a place he cannot access and tell him he can have it back when he behaves.

The bad words thing can be tough - if he hears you and your husband saying unacceptable words, he will find nothing wrong with them. You cannot really punish him for this because he'll get the wrong message. the most you can do is tell him in terms he will understand that those words are only for grown-ups. Follow up with warnings with the bad words, and if he still fails to heed the warnings with the swearing even after you tell him "no", apply the toy removal to the saying of bad words.

What is going on at preschool that is so extremely different from what you do at home? What do you do to keep him occupied? Does he ever say why he hits his sister, or is it a 'just because' thing? Does his sister ever retaliate, or does she just take a beating?

 
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Old 11-18-2006, 02:29 PM   #3
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

I understand about the bad word and that's our fault. My husband thinks the reason he doesn't act like this a school is b/c he doesn't get away with it. My son acts alot better when dad is around and he listens to him more then me. We do alot together when he's not in school and he's fine when he play's by himself of with other kids like at the park or shool. But when he plays with his sister he gets mad at her and he hits her. She never hits him back and she alway's comes and tells me. I just don't know what to do! I spank him hard enough that he can feel it but not hard enough to feel a mark. My husband thinks it's too late and that I lost control all long time ago.

 
Old 11-18-2006, 02:49 PM   #4
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

I assume he has acted up in school at least once. Why not talk to them and find out what exactly they do to keep him from misbehaving? They are obviously doing something different that's working, and it probably would not hurt to ask. You might inflate their egos a little, but it may be worth it if you can get your child to behave a little more.

Dads tend to be more firm with their children than mothers...I've noticed this with almost every set of parents I've come across. Many mothers feel the urge to be gentle with their kids, while men prefer to be more firm. Maybe it's a gender thing, but I have a feeling Dad has been more firm with your son than you have. I would merely suggest watching his father and seeing how he handles things with your son. Perhaps you have given your child too much leeway in the past, which has given him the impression that he can walk all over you. It may take a while to train him out of this, but I think it's possible.

Aside from spanking, how firm are you with your child when he misbehaves? Do you use empty threats like "If you don't stop, you can't watch TV for a week", and then refuse or forget to follow up with said threat? Do you discipline promptly? Are punishments too weak? I'm all for spanking kids who misbehave, but maybe you're not being tough enough. Now I'm not suggesting to haul out a cutting board and wail him, but if you show him any weakness in punishment, he will not take you seriously.

I still am going to stand by my suggestion of taking away his toys for being bad, starting with his favorites. Take away toys, television, visits to and from friends, dessert...anything he enjoys, remove. Not all at once, but for each time he misbehaves and doesn't heed your warnings. Most kids will start to behave themselves when they no longer have their favorite teddy bear or the ability to watch cartoons.

 
Old 11-18-2006, 03:22 PM   #5
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

I know that I have given him too much leeway and that I didn't follow through with my treats and that's why I have come to this. I have asked this teacher and I have never gotten a bad report of him acting up at school. I do watch my husband and I follow what he does and what he would do but it doesn't work for me. I think it's too late for me to get control. This happen to me when my daughter but she wasn't as bad as he is. Today is a hard day with him!! I have to make sure I follow trough with my treats and I will start taking things away and see if that works.

 
Old 11-18-2006, 03:37 PM   #6
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Yes now I remembered when he first started school he did get put on time out for hitting another child but that has been over a year ago. His teacher tells me and my son tells me that they use their words and not their hands and I have been trying to get my son to do the same at home. With both of my kids I wan't firm enough and I let them get away with alot and now I lost control of my son.

 
Old 11-19-2006, 06:53 AM   #7
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

First of all, spanking or slapping your child when he hits will not solve the problem. He thinks it's ok to hit if you're doing it to him. You have to model the behavior you want your son to do. If you don't want him to hit, you don't hit. If you want him to use appropriate language, you use appropriate language. When he does hit his sister, give her the attention, not him. Ask her if she's ok, hug her and comfort her(even if she's not crying) Maybe get an ice pack and put it where he hit her. He's crying out for attention-positive or negative. Praise him when he's being good and tell him what he's doing that's good(you're playing so nicely with your toys...I like the way you said please when you asked for a drink,,,etc) Spend some good quality time playing with him and reading to him.
Hope that helps!

 
Old 11-19-2006, 10:50 AM   #8
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nascar
I have tried spanking, time outs and taking things away but nothing works. Now he's saying bad words which he has learned from me and dad. He hits his sister and I put him in time out but he does it again. At preschool he's such a good boy but at home he's not!! It's worse snice my husband has been working longer hours!! I have no control over my son!! HELP!!!
You say you've tried spanking but what do you mean by spanking? I ask because some parents haven't quite latched onto the fact that spankings are actually supposed to hurt. If it doesn't hurt, there's no deterrent value.

 
Old 11-19-2006, 10:56 AM   #9
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Nascar, you finally came out and admitted that you let them get away with a lot. Your son behaves at preschool because the rules are enforced every single time. Time outs work if they are enforced everytime for rules being broken. You can't let even one time slip! I agree with everything that jillr wrote. I don't agree with spanking. It is never too late to get control! You just have to make a committment to the plan and stick with it. Don't try it half way and then give up after two days.

 
Old 11-19-2006, 01:08 PM   #10
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Today has been a much better day and he's acting alot better and I have followed through with my threats. He's being a good boy and I have praised him for it. When I spank him I make sure that he feels it. Thanks for all of your ideas!!!

 
Old 11-20-2006, 08:33 AM   #11
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Hello
I would try a reward system. Instead of punishing him when he is bad reward him when he is good. My son's are 2 and 10 months so I have not implemented this process with them. But it worked for my nephew. I had my sister get a jar and by marbles. Everytime my nephew did something good (sit quietly, help tidy his room ect.) he was allowed to add one marble to the jar. Whenever he misbehaved he would have to remove one jar. Once all of the marbles were in the jar he would get a reward such as a toy, ice cream, extra play time. I actually found that idea in a parenting mag. It seems to work for him and he is 3 years. He understand the concept completely. You don't have to try that exact method. But acknowledging his good behavior insead of the bad


-India

 
Old 11-20-2006, 01:54 PM   #12
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ismith325
Hello
I would try a reward system. Instead of punishing him when he is bad reward him when he is good.
There's no reason you can't do both!

 
Old 11-21-2006, 11:18 AM   #13
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

...And I agree. But after reading what the original poster wrote she has tried several methods and my post was simple to offer her another option. Not debate it or prove it to others

Last edited by ismith325; 11-21-2006 at 01:22 PM.

 
Old 11-22-2006, 05:44 AM   #14
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Re: Discipline help needed for my 4 yo son!!

What do you do when you've tried it all and nothing is working????? I'm in the same position my son is 4.5 yrs old and there are days when I want to toss him into traffic, sell him to gypsies, or sell him on ****. I've tried the time out, spanking, taking away a favorite toy, rewarding good behavior. Still the same old same old. What now???? Dr Phil ????

 
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