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Old 01-13-2007, 02:09 PM   #1
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thecameraeye HB User
Red face Curious about how to deal with mother.

Alright, mods, I appologize if this is the wrong thread to be posting here, but I really need an answer.

I'm a 19 year old son, and my mom and I used to have a really good relationship. Well, things had spun out of proportion and we no longer have a great relationship. She's turned bitter inside and over the years has now neglected me and made me feel like total ****...the absolute reverse of what she used to do to me as a child. She was a very caring, nurturing woman with a lot of good morals. Now whenever something goes wrong it's always MY fault, and I can't seem to talk to her. She has blinders on and won't see the forest for the trees sometimes. Whenever I try to open up to her and talk to her, she always has this attitude like "you shouldn't be talking to me that way; if you see it that way then it's YOUR problem not mine; YOU brought this on, not me; If you're insecure that's not MY issue. etc" it's very frustrating and I believe she is the one that hammered depression into my very soul when I needed the most nurturing.

I looked for that caring, loving spirit about her when I was going through some tough times...but all I got was apathy and neglect. That's all I continue to get today.

The only time she ever approves of me or makes me feel good is when I act the way she wants me to. I don't think I'm a bad son...I call her all the time, I rarely ask her for money, I respect her; but whenever something goes wrong on my end, I "*** up" majorly and I'm going to have to get myself out of it. She's always made a big deal about my screw ups, at least in the past few years. What is a little "minor problem that can be solved in a matter of minutes" to me becomes a gigantic problem that I end up spending days depressed about. I try not to let it affect me but she is so harsh in making me feel so badly about the things I do.

All I want is love and support from my mom, even if I screw up. I feel bad whenever I talk to her, in fact I get depressed just calling her because I know that she'll say something to me that will make me feel terrible about myself. I've come closer to committing suicide from what she's done to me than any person on the earth. The reason I ask in this particular forum is because you are all parents (I assume?) and I need to know how to fix this as a son. There's probably not much I can do since it's a team effort, but maybe I can enduce some 'smooth talking' or convincing to her to make her see my side of things?

I really need help because I fear I'm going to cut myself off from my mom alltogether if this doesn't get fixed soon. Thanks!

 
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Old 01-13-2007, 04:45 PM   #2
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elle jay HB User
Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

i'm not a mum but i would like to say that no-one is worth committing suicide over. ITs better you end your relationship with her rather than end your life. My father does not love me or care for me or anything - he neglects me and lies to me etc. I have had to make a difficult decision - it was very painful but i did it. i decided that he is just an idiot (even though he is my father). the fact that he is my parent is purely accidental anyway - he just had sex - big deal, anyone can do that. but some people are just morons and you can't do anything about it. So i decided not to have anything to do with him. i pity him as he is missing out on a possible great relationship with me, but for me - i'm glad that i have realised he is a moron and i don't have to waste my time or energy or emotions on him any longer. its not easy, but at least i don't have the weight of him on my shoulders. you cannot make somone love you. perhaps your mum has a mental illness? eg depression. this may account for her personality change. She may also feel that she missed out on doing things she wanted to becasue she had a child. If these are the issue then you are totally blameless.

Have you tried asking her why she is nasty to you?
elle

 
Old 01-14-2007, 08:22 AM   #3
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1geoc HB User
Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

Hey there

I am 25 with a bitter mom who was a loving mother who had me very young at the age of 22 she then went on to have 3 more kids all of us girls she was married to my father for 27 years and was a stay at home mom till all of us grew uo she decided she needed a job she got a job cheated on my dad with her boss got caught and has been a huge mess since then this is going back over 3 years now.. as I was growing up we never did have a strong connection there were always things I did not like about her and how she did things and the same with me... I always thought she was jelouse of her daughters the way she would say things and be mean I was always punshished for small little things... nothing was ever good enough.... anyways that is alittle of the backround...

So still to day I have not talked to her in about 6 months because I was driving myself crazy.. I would call her then it she would say crap that made me upset I would cry for days then I would call again and I would do this to myself always thinking she is going to change but to be honest she is never going to change she is not happy with her life so she has taken it out on her children...

it is sad but true mothers can be selfish if they are not happy in their own lifes.. But do not do anything crazy like CS that is just non sence you are going to move on and have a family and make sure you are nothing like her Like i have I have 2 kids now and a husband who loves me. I am sure one day you will find love to... you are young also..

all the best hope this made sence

xo

 
Old 01-14-2007, 01:13 PM   #4
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Sannah HB UserSannah HB User
Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

Cameraeye, my first thought is that your mom is getting defensive when you go talk to her with problems. Do you say that she didn't do this or that? One way to talk with people so that they do not get defensive is to only say how YOU feel.

Last edited by Sannah; 01-14-2007 at 01:14 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 12:13 PM   #5
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index.html HB User
Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

Cameraeye,

Have you sought any counseling? I think it would be a good idea. There is alot for you to sort out with regards to your Mom.

One factor in your relationship with her now is your age. You and your mom are in the process of renegotiating your relationship. Before, you clearly were the child and she was the parent. Now it's not that obvious. In some ways, you are independent yet in others you aren't (you're still pretty dependent on her emotional support, for instance). Likewise, she doesn't sound like she is sure that she wants to be in the "caretaker" role full-time anymore. Neither of you is sure how to treat the other.

Another factor is that we humans don't tolerate well having ambivalent feelings about our significant others. (This is especially true about grief - it's more intense when our feelings about the departed are ambivalent). Had your mom abused you for your whole life, you'd hate her undoubtedly but it wouldn't be so difficult for you to sort out how you feel. Likewise, had she been a saint amongst women, you'd be clear where you stand. But, she hasn't been that predictable and therefore, neither are your feelings for her.

It's alot to sort out and I think some professional help would be useful.

You may very well need to create some distance from your mom at least until you get things sorted out and figure out how to get your emotional needs met elsewhere.

But, you asked for advice from the perspective as a parent so I'm going to give you that as well. You say, "All I want is love and support from my mom, even if I screw up". I have to say to you, I expect that's all she wants from you, too. You say, "I believe she is the one that hammered depression into my very soul when I needed the most nurturing". It wouldn't surprise me if you learned depression from your mother, but I would say that what your mother is probably guilty of is modeling depression for you. It sounds like she may be depressed as well. Perhaps there are times when she is so depressed that she can't take care of your needs. It's unfortunate, but she's human, too.

Get some counseling, kiddo. Learn how to feel okay about yourself regardless of how your mom acts. You owe to yourself! Okay?

Last edited by index.html; 01-16-2007 at 01:54 AM.

 
Old 01-25-2007, 02:39 AM   #6
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amidabuda HB User
Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

hello,
i hope my story could be an example for you. i do believe you and your mom are revising your relationship now as someone here mentioned, and it is hard for both of you.
my mom wasnt very mommyish, as she was working very hard man's work (crane operator) always bossy and always tired.. i grew up on my own.. not asking her much for things that i could live without, and i had to take care of my little brother as she was working like 12 h a day. i was good at school and not much bother for her. about the age of 15-16 we started having real big problems and fights (verbaly ) just like you. whatever i did was wrong, whatever problem i had (and she found out about) was a disaster, any opinion of mine was rubbish.. it was horrible. i moved out and got to work by the age of 18 but still kept calling and going arround to see her. i was so desperate to just know that she might love me and like the things i do. no much luck though. eventually i move to another country and stop calling for a while. called her after more than a year time to tell her she was a grandma. she cryed. in two more years i came back home. got my own place again and a job. she volunteered to babysit and help. after all that time i wasnt a daughter anymore. i was an adult with a job and life on my own. but took her long time to accept me like that. now i moved to spain, have my own business and house and another kid. she comes very often and stays for months at a time. loves the kids and is wonderful granny. much better than the mom she was. our relationship is totay diferent now. i am not her kid anymore, in a way she is a kid of mine now. i take care of things. she has softened up and settled. we have great talks.
hope you make some sense out of that. my point is that may be your mom emotionally is trowing you in the water to teach you to swim. and she can helpit feeling that way. it is like an allergic reaction to you. she cuts you of any kind of support, althouh she might worry sick about you but she will not help you out. she has a desperate need to see you can manage on you own. act like a man and not like a child and give her some space. imagine that she is not your mom, she is a nice sweet woman you know and love very much. what would you do? will you ask her what you ask her now, in the same way? or you will be just sharing you thoughts and opinions not expecting any solution form he? i am sure she loves you just as much as before, but she sees you like a man now and it is frightening. she doesnt know what to do with your new role. hold your head up, dude until you feel depending on her (emotionaly or materialysticly) she will be feeling obligeted to respond, and as you are a man now she will be alergic to that situation. you feel independant, solving problems, dealing with your life as it comes, and she will react diferently. you can share problems without crying on someone's shoulder, you know. dont want to be harsh with you. i know you are a great guy and the stage you are going through will be over the soonest you change your point of view.
best of luck.

 
Old 01-27-2007, 01:13 PM   #7
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CCROBIN HB User
Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

Hi, I'm a mom.
I’m assuming we are talking about single parents and their children here?
You guys remind me of my son. So here goes.
Relationships are not perfect. EVER
Your mother did the best she could.
But most likely somewhere before then (when she was loving) and now ----life happened. Single mom's have a hard job and not having a good father figure around to make your little guy (or girl) a man (or lady) is difficult.

I can give little tidbits from my own experience with my son. When he was very small we did things together and had a lot of fun. Then he started school and homework problems and grades kicked in. Here we have a picture of a hard working mommy trying to help her little person get through homework at night when she really just wanted to have a bite to eat and go to bed.

Please remember that parents make mistakes too. Sometimes we can’t admit it but we do. I think most people make better parents to their grandchildren, because they have already seen their first mistakes. If that makes since.

Anyway my son wasn't the most ambitious student in the world, and homework time was always a challenge. Then came the development of his own character and personality. Children always tend to grow into this little person with a great big attitude. Sometimes moms don't handle that attitude correctly and more problems fester. Then we get into high school. There is drinking, cigarettes, lying, sneaking, dating, the fear of aids .... all of which this tired mom is trying to cope with while she works, cleans house, plans meals, plans activities, deals with family, boyfriends coming and going and/or loneliness. She gets weighed down by all of it and sometimes becomes bitter. I didn't mean to but I know I did. So now we have this young person, that doesn't understand mommyhood, and this old person that just knows they weren't this much trouble to their own parents. You see, parents are responsible for their children's behavior until their children reach a certain age. It's our obligation according to the law to keep you guys under control, even if you think we’re mean for doing it.

Now at 19, my son was in college, knew just about everything and had decided that I was the most selfish person he had ever met. I wanted him to live with me until he finished school, but he was all raring to go to be his own man, and I was having trouble coping with what I saw as disrespectful behavior. He moved out at about your age.

You say your mom talks bad to you and makes you feel like things are all your fault. I doubt very seriously that is her intent. SHe is probably trying to teach you (in her own way) to stand on your own two feet. You see, there is pressure to help our children become productive grownups. That means, not giving them too much. That means letting them make their own mistakes and letting them suffer the consequences. My boyfriend harps at me all the time, not to help my son too much because I will cripple his manhood.

From the age of 19 to 25 are very hard years for young adults who are trying to sort through things. You are adults now, but most of you aren't sure what it means to be responsible for your own actions. You have been living with mom and/or dad. You have been guided by them. Even if they didn't guide you gently, they still gave you a direction. Now you must fend for yourself. You must make your own way, determine your own boundaries, develop your own rules for behavior. Your mother has already made many of the mistakes your about to make. Take heart, as you get more mature, she will begin to relax around you until she isn’t all uptight again. Do you best kido. I know it’s hard. She loves you I’m sure. Don’t’ give up and never consider suicide. That is just not an option okay!!!! You have your whole life ahead of you. Give it a chance. Your relationship with your mom will even out and you will develop into a responsible adult.  .....

I hope my rambling helps you.

Last edited by CCROBIN; 01-27-2007 at 01:18 PM.

 
Old 01-30-2007, 10:38 AM   #8
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Re: Curious about how to deal with mother.

I know how you feel. My Mother went from Susie Homemaker to Susie Homewrecker! She started acting that way after she had my sister (3rd child). She puts me down and the only time she talks good about me is when she would brag about my good grades in front of her friends. She has told me she loved me about twice in my life and I am almost 30. She has told me countless times how she wishes none of us (me & my siblings) were never born! She makes herself the center of attention by acting out and my Dad takes her side no matter how rediculous or terrible her behavior! I, as well as 4 of my 5 siblings have had to seek counceling and at least 4 of us have taken some sort of depression medication. It doesn't take away everything but it does help. I am currenlty not speaking to my Mother for her last little outburst.

 
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