My dd seems takes advantage that me, my dh and mother-in-law have different opinions and actions.
I wanted her to keep her room clean, but my dh thinks that it is up to her. She told me:"It is my space".
My mil gaves her sugar and she told me "I want sugar, grandma gave me sugar".
I wonder how I can make her do what I want without saying that other members are wrong.
Galinaqt, children are smart. They can figure out at very young ages how to get what they want. You and your husband are the parents and therefore, the rule makers. It would be great if you could come to some sort of an agreement on rules. My children's grandparents would never make the rules for my children because I wouldn't allow it. If I am not there I have a lot less control, however. If that happens and then the children come back in my sphere and they say "well grandma this and grandpa that", who care it's mommy now! Different cultures are different about this, though. Some cultures have grandparents making more rules. Luckily, not mine! Rules are much easier to enforce if everyone knows what the rules are. Actually, once the rules are crystal clear they are almost self-enforcing. When the rules are blurry or disagreed upon or enforced only sometimes - this is when the children take advantage of bending the rules.
Galinaqt, first please understand that there is not a 4 year old alive who isn't manipulative and doesn't try to take advantage of their parents. It is just the way they are.
With regards to her room, I think that you and DH need to sit down together -alone- and come to an agreement on what the standards should be. Then, enforce them regardless of what your daughter says about it.
For other things (like Grandma giving her sugar), my standard response used to be "That may be true, but this is My rule. This is how it is going to be in our house". End of discussion. She will try to fight it but calmly and firmly stick to your decision. If she sees that she can talk you out of your decisions, things are going to get ALOT worse!
My five year old niece is the queen of this!! If she asks for something at my house and I say no, she'll ask her mother. If mom says no, she asks dad. Dad works on the road and is gone at least 3 weeks every month. I think he feels guilty and gives in to EVERYTHING. And she knows this...it didn't take long for her to learn either.
I would ask her once, maybe twice to pick something up. Tell her if she cannot pick it up after being asked twice it will be taken away. This is up to you if it's permanent, such as donate to charity or just put away for a week or however long. Once she gets down to having no toys, just a bed, dresser, etc. she will realize that mom means business. She will also realize if it's something she wants to keep she better keep it picked up. If you have a kid like my niece, she has tons of toys that don't get played with. Once in a while, ask if theres something she wants to get rid of, something she doesn't play with anymore. We are having a garage sale this spring; my niece and nephew cleaned there rooms and found stuff they don't want anymore. They are selling it and get to keep the money. My niece says shes saving it for college We'll see lol
Good luck! hope this helps!
btw, i also agree that both parents need to be on board for anything to work. Sometimes kids get confused when two people tell them to do different things, so they won't do either!