Freedom and the 11 yr. old - Parenting Issues Message Board

dfroman1166 · 02-27-2007, 05:12 PM

Hello,
I've posted here several months ago in regard to my son who is an 11 yr. old honor student and basicly a great kid. He's been making lots of new friends in middle school- some I know and some I don't know.
My problem is (again!) he's been wanting more and more freedom lately. He's always been trustworthy. Recently he's been hanging around with some boys who's parents allow them to roam the neighborhoods! This is very scary for me. We do live in a smaller city in Connecticut. Two days ago he was with a friend and I called to talk to him and the mom said "there outside" and I asked to get him so I could speak to him and she said "I'll have to call you back, there at city hall" I was appalled! City hall is off of a busy street about 4 streets down from where they live! I got into the car and retrieved him from city hall. He was very apologetic and said that he knew I'd be upset. He also said to me in a calm rational tone that "everyone" goes there and lots of other parks and places and he thinks that he's old enough to go to.
I did some "mom investigating" and found out that - YES most of his friends do go to these places unsupervised! These are good kids from good homes- one dad is a city police officer and another mom a 7th grade english teacher!
I don't know what to do! I don't want him to miss out on the fun with his friends but I still feel like 11 is too young to roam the streets!
He does carry a cell phone and I do trust his judgement but accidents happen! Please- if there's any moms or dads out there with 11 yr olds what do you think? What is your 11 or 12 year old doing or going with friends? What happened to staying at the house and having fun? Why the wondering?
THANKS

tigerlilyx61 · 02-27-2007, 05:29 PM

Hi dfroman. I definitely hear you on this one. I too think 11 is a little young but...he is a good kid with decent grades and you said he was trustworthy. There's got to be a way to give him a little freedom while giving yourself some peace of mind. If he has a phone and he wants to go to city hall would you be O.K. with him going if he called you first? And then have him call BEFORE he leaves to come home? And I'm sure you've talked to him about how to stay safe. And about how much you love him and you wouldn't want to ever see anything bad happen to him. The thing is bad things happen to adults. I am always hearing about this or that person that was abducted or vanished without a trace. I have an 11 y/o too and I live in a very small town with like NO crime and I am still hesitant. I have let her walk to the local store with a friend before. It's maybe a 1/2 mile round trip. Luckily for me she would rather be inside on the computer. I don't know if that's good or bad

But when my now 19 y/o was 12ish she would sneak out in the middle of the night to walk around our little village with a friend of hers. That used to really bother me. Unfortunately it is one of the thie problems parents are faced with as their children enter these years. Good luck.

luvmy2kids · 02-28-2007, 06:51 AM

My problem with that age and wandering around by himself is not whether or not he's a good kid and trustworthy with good grades, but whether or not he will know what to do if something were to happen - for instance, god forbid, somebody tried to grab him or one of his friends. That is what would be on my mind (my oldest is 6, but I have twin 12-year old sisters). My mother does not let them wander around. It's so hard trying to give them freedom, while at the same time keeping them safe. I don't want my son to get any older.

dfroman1166 · 02-28-2007, 07:16 AM

Yes...I agree with luv. I don't trust other people there are alot of freaks in this world - small town or not.
With that said I need to figure out some kind of common ground. I Feel like the cell phone is a very valuable tool in a situation like this. I can't agree to allowing him to go just anywhere. I need to come up with certain guidelines I guess. He's already allowed to be in our neighborhood and walks to the deli down the street. The main issue is when he's visiting his friends and there parents rules and guidelines. Communication is key-he is getting older and should be allowed certain freedom.

Sannah · 02-28-2007, 07:18 AM

I just heard on the TV the other night that fewer than 100 children are "grabbed" off the street each year. The guy said that more children get struck by lightening. I know that this isn't comforting if it is your kid but should we really live our lives in fear? Arm him with some info about running in the opposite direction that the car is facing, screaming, and staying in a group. There is safety in numbers.