My 14 yr old hates going to her dads.He started seeing her when she was 2 and was pretty active until the last couple of yrs and doesnt do anything when she goes over there. He sits and watches wrestling while my dd stares at the wall. He says he gave up because she is always miserable and complains. He is right on that but as a dad shouldnt give up. I sent him an email last night about an issue i am not too pleased with right now. She goes over there usually 1-2 wkends a month and when she is there its like she is his and his wifes maid. This wkend she went over there and earlier that day at home with me sprained her arm very bad and was in a sling. His wife got her to clean inside their fridge! this is a reg thing when she goes there as well as changing their cats litter, cleaning up after them and so on. I dont think this is right! she should clean up after herself and maybe once in a while do some extra chores. I sent him an email last night telling him nicely she is not to do these things anymore, while i havent heard anything back from him i expect he wont be pleased as he feels that whens she is there to earn any spending money he may give her, which is not always, she should have to do these things! i told him she is not there to clean up the mess they have made when she isnt with them,he hasnt responded yet but i am expecting him to. We are still very good friends and he has come to parties we have had at our house and my hubby fixes his comp and they get along well so its not a bad situation we are in socially. Am i wrong to think this? btw he doesnt pay child support he buys all her clothes, supplies, trips with school and anytime i have had to ask he has always obliged. Because we werent in a relationship when i got pg and she wasnt planned i gave him 2 choices in the beginning and that was either see ur child and pay for things or have nothing to do with her and pay through his nose! i knew he would pick the first and thats what i wanted but now he does nothing with her, his wife complains about the poor job she has done to her when she does these chores and i dont know if this is right!but other than tell him what options do i have? i need my time away from her and she needs to see her dad.I know with the way they feel about each other right now it would suite them both fine to stay away from each other but thats not what i want from either of them
Last edited by hayley0610; 03-12-2007 at 09:30 PM.
Instead of an e-mail, it would probably be better to talk to him personally about these issues and have a 2-way conversation about them, especially since you have a good relationship with your ex. Otherwise, he may disregard your "suggestions" and feel like you're just telling him what to do in his own house. Try to focus on your concern for your daughter's relationship with him and suggest backing off on some of the chores and focusing on some of the things that she likes to do. Give him some examples of those things, and your daughter should follow up with suggestions directly to her dad. I know, at this age, they'd much rather complain about the situation than be part of the solution, but if you start the ball rolling, it will empower her if he is receptive to changing things to have a better relationship with his daughter. Not going to her dad's is not an option that the court will listen to, plus, as you mentioned, you need a break and she needs time with her dad as well. That "option" being taken away in her mind may motivate her to be part of the solution. Again, focus on your "daughter's" desire for a better relationship with him, rather than on the specific chores and things that you find unacceptable. (BTW, I agree with you that she shouldn't be their maid, but focusing on the positive would be much more effective.)
Thanks for your response, oh i would NEVER stop her from seeing her dad at all unless it was an abusive situation or something...even though her dad and all of us get along i still dislike having situation convo with him as he has a temper and is very stubborn, he wouldnt be abusive or anything towards me but he would put strain on it and ive just learnt sometimes its not worth it. anyways i did give him situations so we will see what happens.
I hope he learns to do more fun activities with her. Maybe if SHE realizes that not going is NOT even an option, she'll be more receptive to any little changes he tries to make with the situation. I didn't mean to imply that you don't make her go, just that SHE needs to understand that's not an option, so she'd better make the best of the situation and be part of the solution rather than just complain about it. If she's more positive about any little changes he makes, it will snowball into a lot more positive changes. I hope he does SOMETHING to have a better relationship with her. At some point down the road, she WILL have a choice whether or not to visit him and have a relationship with him, and it would be sad if she chooses not to because he hasn't stepped up to make any positive changes when he has the opportunity now.