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Old 03-24-2007, 05:06 PM   #1
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Teenager trouble

My 16 yr old daughter has taken to drinking alcohol. Only on a Friday and Saturday night when she is out with her friends.( she has not yet left school) My husband and i rarely drink so i dont know why she is like this. She comes from a good family, we both work, dont do drugs/smoke/drink. She has come home really drunk and being sick. We have grounded her as last week she didnt come home till very late and we were worried sick, she was drunk. She didnt get home on time Sunday and again on Monday so we grounded her. Tonight she was allowed out till 10pm with her friend and the father was going to drop her home. I then get a phone call to say she is terribly drunk on a train, she had missed her stop, she was being sick on the seat and floor, her friend was with her (thank god) a group of lads were on the train asking her for sex!!!! She got off the train miles away and i told them to stay where they were and i went and got them. My daughter had no intention of getting home on time, she was being sick in the street could hardly stand up. I am almost having a nervous breakdown. i cannot cope with this anymore. I scream at her, i talk nicely to her, i ground her, i try to treat her as an adult,,,, absolutely nothin works. What do i do now,. I am now starting to feel very depressed as i cant go on liveing like this anymore. My husband cant stand it, my younger child hates living at home. For the rest of the week she is a lovely child. But come the weekend she dont give a **** about me and her dad, she does exactly what she wants. She has said i am too over protective, and she will move out if i try to keep ruining her life. When i talk to her she screams at me, plays blaring music to drown me out, slams doors, calls names. She feels that at 16 she should be allowed to hang out on the streets in town till 11pm, i disagree, i feel 10.30pm is the maximum. My god what if these boys on the train had raped her, if it had not been that her friend was with her she was in no state to look after herself. I feel sick with fear every time she goes out, i cant sleep. I really honestly want to walk out of my house and never come back, i cant take it any moreit is constant arguements over her and what she wants to do. No matter what i say she ignores me. If it were not for my younger child i would leave. Has anyone else had this problem, if so how did you deal with it.

 
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Old 03-25-2007, 07:49 AM   #2
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Re: Teenager trouble

She wont be able to get treatment as she only goes out at the weekend, she does not touch any alcohol at all in the week. Drs in the UK wont call this a problem, just normal teenage troubles. its only when she is out with her mates on a Friday and Saturday night that she drinks she says she has to drink to give her confidence to go out.!!! Today she is feeling very unwell, lol serves her right. She has not moaned about being grounded, i have grounded her for a month. But after 2 weeks she will be screaming to go out again, threatening to just walk out, then she wont come back and we will be searching the streets for her! This is no life for the rest of the family. She was very lucky not to have been attacked or had an accident last night, she was paraletic. She was sick everywhere in the street,, falling on the floor, she could not even see straight so walked about with her eyes shut.this is so humiliating for all of us but i know im not the only mum out there with this problem. I have told her i am taking her to see her dr but she refuses to go, i cant physically drag her there. I just know that by 2 weeks time things will be back to her getting drunk again.

 
Old 03-25-2007, 03:53 PM   #3
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Re: Teenager trouble

I wonder whether it would help to locate some alcoholics anonymous group and get a few people to talk to her, who have been through it all, who started at her age, so they can tell her all of the horror stories that happened to them or whatever.

Or find someone who needed a liver transplant due to drinking, someone who is on the verge of dying or something, to really really scare her into seeing what her future holds if she doesn't stop this behavior. I think that scaring her might be the only way you can get through to her.

I've heard of parents bringing their excessively promiscuous daughters to an AIDS hospice to meet people who are really sick to show them this can happen to them if they keep having crazy unprotected sex with all these guys.

She's at an age where she's old enough to realize right from wrong. And perhaps scaring her by showing her how serious excessive drinking can be might make her want to stop. I think at this point it's worth a try.

 
Old 03-25-2007, 07:30 PM   #4
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Re: Teenager trouble

Tough Love.

You need to keep her in. If she is going to go out and do that, don't let her go out. If her friends encourage her, don't let her hang out with her friends. Your responsibility as her parent is to keep her safe when you can and to teach her right from wrong. Teenagers are not the smartest people in the world and can make very stupid decisions. As her mother, you need to set ground rules and when she breaks them, you punish her and you don't break that punishment. It stands regardless of anything.

You tell her like it is, end of story. DO NOT argue with her. You are right, she is wrong. When she starts to argue, you ignore it. You just fuel the fire by arguing back. Let her know that when she can sit down and talk to you in a calm manner like an adult, you will listen to her.

This may sound harsh, but for some teenagers, it's the only way. Hopefully, it is just a phase that she is going through, but the dangers of what she is doing are a huge deal. She could easily wind up dead on the side of the road.

It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fun, and yes, so many parents go through this with their teenager. You have to be the parent that steps up and gives out the tough love.

Save your daughter from herself.
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Old 03-26-2007, 01:17 AM   #5
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Re: Teenager trouble

Thank you all for your advice. I have no parents, if they were alive at least mum would be able to help me through this horrible time. I dont live in the town i was born in so dont have any old school friends nearby. I have now grounded her for a month, and if she says she needs money for things i am going to go buy them myself, this way she wont have any money to buy the alcohol. I am also going to report the shop that is selling the alcohol to her, they did not make her give any I.D. I know within a week she is going to start all the screaming and shouting again and our lives will once again be hell. Its easy to say dont let her out but she just walks out saying i cant stop her and i will have to physically fight her in the street to bring her back in the door.I work 2 days a week and once i am at work i know she will just pack some stuff and disapear and not come back and we will be sitting up all night worried sick. I am trying to tell her at the moment how ill she is making me, i had terrible heart pains driving in the car to pick her up the night she got drunk, knowing she was laying on the train platform being sick, in a town i dont even know nearly gave me a heart attack. I could not get there quick enough, and then could not find the station, i just wanted to scream and cry. All she can say is that i hold her back, she is 16 now and an adult and can lead her own life. She says i am ruining her life by not letting her stay out till 11pm and letting her go to parties and drink. I have said she can drink at home (not everyday) but she says that is boring, she wants to be out on the town with her mates and drink. She has some mates that smoke drugs, and some mates who's parents let them come in at any time they want, and these girls are on 15 and 16 yrs old. I am afraid i cannot be like that, one girls parents say they let her smoke the drugs as it calms her down!!!! well im afraid that is not for me. I am against drugs. But at the end of the day my daughter thinks i am a horrible smothering mother as i wont let her do all these things.

Last edited by willowthewisp; 03-26-2007 at 01:20 AM. Reason: to add something

 
Old 03-26-2007, 07:22 AM   #6
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Re: Teenager trouble

Quote:
Originally Posted by alliejazz View Post
Your daughter is crying out for help..something is going on in her life to make her act this way

Willow, I couldn't agree more with Allie. I don't think that she necessarily needs substance abuse treatment but she needs therapy. No one who is feeling good about themselves drinks to excess or creates chaos in their family. You write that she tells you that she drinks to get confidence. Please tell her that you want to help her with whatever issues she is dealing with right now. If you continue to only want to control her it will drive her further from you and your efforts to control her aren't working anyway.

 
Old 03-27-2007, 01:43 PM   #7
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Re: Teenager trouble

If you tell her she cannot go out and she does it anyway call the law and have an officer go pick her up and bring her back home.She tells you youd have to physically drag her back in the door she knows you will not do this or are not capable and she is taking advantage of it but an officer CAN drag her butt into his vehicle and right back through your door.She is only 16 she is a minor and has to go by your rules so you have the right to have the law pick her butt up.That is what I would do if she did not stop walking out.I think therapy is probably your best bet and tough love.Maybe even a teen boot camp if at all possible.I think all have given good advice so far even the idea of scaring her with horror stories from people who started out like herself.

Last edited by tnmomofive; 03-27-2007 at 01:45 PM.

 
Old 03-30-2007, 01:11 PM   #8
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Re: Teenager trouble

Well so far we have had perfect behaviour. She has been very good, not tried to go out and not argued. She is telling me just how badly drunk she was and how she knows she put herself in danger. She now keeps asking us to let her out to a party next week ( ha ha) and she will add an extra day of grounding on at the end of her months grounding. NO WAY - She says she has felt ill all week, she feels dizzy and weak and fatigued. she is fine otherwise , chatty and busy and talking to her friends etc. The thing is i know once this months grounding is up she will kick off again, i dont really want to involve the Police unless i really really have to, i work for my local Police Force and this is just humiliation for me, can you imaging the gossip at work with some of the other women. ( and men ) . I have told her she can go out on a Friday but not on a Saturday as we cannot live our lives sitting waiting at home every weekend to see if we are going to get a phone call or not telling us she is drunk, injured or dead! No one should have to live their lives like this. She refuses point blank to go for therapy/help as she says there is nothing wrong, her friends do all these things, it is just me being a smothering mother, overprotective and over anxious.
Is there anyone else on these boards that have been though this, if so how did you cope with it. Here in the UK they can legally drink aged 18, how i wish the law said 21.

 
Old 03-30-2007, 01:41 PM   #9
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Re: Teenager trouble

Actually, calling the cops or having one of your friends go out after her sometime might be a good idea. Scare her, have her spend a night or two in jail or juvie. After all, she is drinking and only 16 and, you say the legal age is 18, so she IS breaking the law . . .

My friend's son was sneaking out of the house when he was 16 and doing things he shouldn't be doing. She knew a couple of cops and she had one of them go arrest him and keep him in juvie over night. It worked.

The reason this might work is that she would see that she really could be caught and REALLY get into REAL trouble. Until something happens, she will continue.

Listen: TEENAGERS THINK THEY ARE INVINCIBLE. There are only two things that will show them otherwise: 1. Growing up 2. Having something happen to them to prove they are not. Maybe a select few, a VERY select few, come to this realization without these things happening, but it is a rarity.

Extreme behavior needs to lead to extreme consequences. End of story.
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Old 03-31-2007, 07:58 AM   #10
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Re: Teenager trouble

Willow, I think the problem is the 'crowd' she has got involved with.

I personally don't think she is 'crying out for help', if she had an actual addiction to alcohol, she would be sneeking it into the house, and drinking it in the week also.

To me, I just think she is trying to keep in with her mates, and not appear 'weak'. I bet if they didn't drink and do drugs she'd also not drink etc.

The problem is as a teenager she values her mates opinion of her as a person, way above a parents opinion, cause she knows that your always value her as a person, no matter what.

In a perfect world I would say make her change her mates, but ofcourse that is easier said than done. But the first thing I would do, is find out who supplies them the drink, go down to the shop/s and take your daughter with you. Tell the shop keeper/s that if they ever supply to her again, the police will be called. Do this infront of your daughter.

I would also take your daughter around to the parents of the other girls, even if they are ignorant and actually don't care, and tell them what you have done.

I don't think your daughter needs therapy, she has just got with the wrong crowd.

Once the alcohol has been removed, hopefully things will calm down.

 
Old 03-31-2007, 09:29 PM   #11
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Re: Teenager trouble

My 17 year old son is doing the same thing. I know his friends are the main influence but at this age you can't pick their friends!
I ache for you and will watch the posts here for additional advice.
I've read some good stuff already.

 
Old 04-01-2007, 07:03 AM   #12
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Re: Teenager trouble

I really agree with Brook that it has alot to do with the crowd she has chosen to hang with.I also do not think that your daughter actually has a drinking problem.Tons of teens do this they want to feel excepted by their peers and whatever is considered "cool" at the time is what they will do.I would still have an officer bring her back home if she ever walked out that way again.I think if you could get together with some of the parents of the other kids she is hanging with maybe you all could find a solution together surely some of them must care about their childs well being like you do about yours.You could also find some support for yourself that way too.

 
Old 04-12-2007, 12:16 PM   #13
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Re: Teenager trouble

Thank you all so much for your replies, they are a great help, especially knowing other people are having the same problem as me, its nice to knwo i am not alone. Well we are on week 3 of my daughters grounding and she has been as good as gold, i am sooo shocked. I have let her out on one night only because she had a ticket to a disco that was run by the local police force so i didnt mind that. her mates that she hangs with didnt go because they wanted to go to the local park and get drunk!!!! it speaks for itself doesnt it. My daughter has one more week left of being grounded and then God forbid will it start over again!! I have told her if she drinks again i will ground her for 2 months next time, i think the last time frightened her to be honest. I know some of you say Teenagers do this drinking lark, and people say to me that most teenagers go through this stage, but my daughter put herself in sever danger, she could easily have been raped by the gang of boys on the train or where she was so badly drunk waiting on the platform she could have fallen on the track, she could not even open her eyes to see.
Well i hope she does not go back to how she was, i pray to God she doesnt. I know that once she starts college in September this year, she will make new friends and hopefully more mature friends.
willow

 
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