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Old 03-30-2007, 05:36 AM   #1
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brook65 HB User
11 year old boys rudeness

Hi, looking for advice on my eleven year old son.

He recently started secondary school, and he seems to have changed towards us.

He is becoming increasingly rude, cockey and acting like he is one above me all the time!

He had a freind round for tea yesterday, and tried to make it look to his freind as if he is in charge, and belittling me.

I will say he is normally a nice boy, but I hate this change in him I am seeing, it is as if he has lost all respect. When his freind had gone I had a serious chat, only for him to laugh in my face.

By the way he is obvioulsy going to be punished for this, not making excuses for him but he is hitting puberty now, and was wondering if anyone here can relate, how on earth do you deal with this behaviour.

Thanks

 
Old 03-30-2007, 07:13 AM   #2
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Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

Hey Brooke, just keep telling him everytime that it is unacceptable just like you did. I would also investigate a little more about why he is doing it. Is he trying to fit in?

 
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:42 AM   #3
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Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

It does sound like somewhat normal behavior at this age. However, you absolutely cannot allow it to continue. You said he will be punished, and that is great. If after this punishment, the rude behavior continues, I would suggest VERY extreme measures. Such as taking away ALL of his possessions except his bed and clothing. He should have nothing left in his room. No computer, no video games, no toys, nothing. And then tell him that when he decides to return to his previous well-mannered, respectful self, you will be more than happy to return his belongings. If you continue to allow this kind of behavior, it will only get worse. It is normal for kids (especially boys) to start asserting independence, and if he's in with a crowd that also has this kind of attitude, it could be a long road. (By the way, the taking all of his possessions away idea was actually something I saw on Dr. Phil.) Good luck

 
Old 03-30-2007, 09:42 AM   #4
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Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

Well, like you said, he is hitting puberty. My little brother just hit it a few years ago and he, too, thinks he is better than our parents, specifically our mother. He doesn't really want to talk to her and when she asks him any questions he acts like she is annoying him very much. Altogether, he is not a bad kid.

He's normal. You are entering the "teenager" stage. And I'm sure you've heard the horror stories . . . Yes, many of them are true. Some are probably a bit exaggerated. But, it is a rough time for teens AND their parents.

Let me reassure you of something first. It probably won't last forever. Granted, you get those few kids who rebel and the parents/kid relationship is never the same, but, odds are, in the end, it will be okay.

It might be a very rough time, but it sounds like your son is trying to find his own person. It's not easy because you have so much going on in your life. People are expecting good grades from you, good behavior, you want to have lots of friends, you want to explore the world and test boundaries, and all the while you have all this peer pressure. And don't forget all of the feelings and emotions, even in males, that swirl around non-stop. Your body is changing (sometimes not how you want it to i.e. acne) and you can feel so mixed up. It seems as if it will never end.

And one of the last things a teenage boy wants is to look like a "momma's boy." Trust me, a lot of ridicule can come from that. So, you mentioned that it was worse when his friend came over? His friend can now attest that he is not a momma's boy. And it's "cool" when you are in charge of your parents.

And your right, all of this is still not an excuse for acting how he is acting. But, it really does make it hard for him. You must remember that he is struggling with his life just as much as you are struggling with him.

One, make sure he knows he can talk to you. But, don't force it. If you force it, your not going to get the meaningful talks you want. Ask him how his day was, but don't push for details -- you can accept a "fine" or an "okay." Give him that space. Feel free to take away that space, however, when he wants to go out, for example. Continue the "who, what, where, what time" etc. He'll hate it, but you still have to protect him and make sure he isn't doing bad things. You just have to learn to give him the right amount of space as he develops into his own person.

Also, pick your fights. Some things he will do will bother you. He will probably try to annoy the heck out of you. Don't let him. Let go of the little fights that will push you two apart. When the big fights come, and they will, do what needs to be done, like a punishment, and stick to it. And I mean that -- stick to it. The first time you don't, you give him a reason to cling on to the hope that if he yells, screams, fights you, etc. that maybe he can get out of it again.

Which brings me to this also: Punishment is a good thing. Your teenager might not agree with you, I sure didn't, but it is a great tool. However, your son is going to do A LOT of things that seem to warrant punishment. There are some times when you sitting him down, talking to him about it, and NOT punishing him (the first time . . . the second time is fair game) will do a lot more than actually punishing him. But it will be up to you to decide which are good times for that. . .

And one more time, let me reassure you that it will get better. Maybe not for awhile, but it will. I knew plenty of guys, that when they got to 11 or 12 grade, many more in college, they are getting over that stage. Eventually, you will become "mommy" again and get those bear hugs and have meaningful talks. It will just take time. And some tears.
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Last edited by GodsGirl4ever06; 03-30-2007 at 09:45 AM.

 
Old 03-30-2007, 10:56 AM   #5
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Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

Not to hijack this thread but I just wanted to say I think that was a great post Godsgirl4ever.I am going through this same type of behavoir from my almost 14 yr old son which he started to act this way at age 11 too.He has improved in some ways and in others stayed the same or gotten worse.I just love that post though it gives me hope that one day he will wake up (with maturity I suposse) and see that all along I was never his enemy but his mother who loves him and just wants the best for him.He does not believe that right now lol.This really does hurt at times and some of the mean things he says do too.I do still talk to him,even if he only hears half of what I say,and I disciplie him when needed matter of fact I took all his belongings away recently and he is having to work for it back.Anyway,enough about me but I am glad to be reminded there is still hope!

 
Old 03-31-2007, 07:05 AM   #6
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brook65 HB User
Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

Thanks for your lovely helpful replies

Sannah, your right with what you say about is he trying to fit in? yes, I think it is that, at his last school, he had a problem with making friends etc as he has asperger tendancies, and had difficulties with concentration etc (which has now been addressed). So with starting a new school with new kids, I guess its like a new start to him, and yes I do think he is trying to 'fit in' and appear cool, wear the gear, listen to the awful rap music etc.lol

Lisafaith, I haven't got as far as taking all his things away as yet, but will defintely use that as a warning next time. As a result of the other day he has been banned from using his playstation for two days, thats a good start I think.

I can't actually take things such as tellys etc from his room away, as I have always been against having such things in the bedroom, as when he goes to bed I want to be certain he is actually sleeping.

Godsgirl4ever06 - thanks for your very lengthy reply. I must say with respect how you have a very wise head on young shoulders.

Everything is correct as to my son going through obvious changes at the moment, being pressure at school, behaving at home, hitting pubety not to mention keeping in with his peers! and I also realise that kids do have more pressure on them these days in relation to when I was an eleven year old. We were actually still kids then, and yes still played with dolls. I think you also hit the nail on the head when you said that he 'doesn't want to appear to be the mummys boy' in front of his freinds, that makes sense.

By the way the following morning my son was full of remorse, and back to his generally lovely self, and apologised. I am trying to get him to understand that apologising doesn't make bad behaviour acceptable, I want him to understand that he can't be rude and think 'well aslong as I apologise afterwards, thats ok'!

Thanks so much for your replys, and advice

Last edited by brook65; 03-31-2007 at 07:08 AM.

 
Old 03-31-2007, 08:21 AM   #7
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Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

Brooke, I am so glad that he felt remorse, etc. IMO, if a teenager is trying to meet some kind of need, punishing him is not going to help him learn a more appropriate way of meeting that need. Understanding what need he is trying to meet and helping him to meet it in a more appropriate way is the best way to handle situations like this. Getting our needs met is a strong drive and punishing might not stop the need to meet these needs. Of course he needs to hear that what he did is inappropriate, however. Punishing will just drive a wedge between the two of you and he might feel that you don't understand him at all.

Last edited by Sannah; 03-31-2007 at 08:22 AM.

 
Old 03-31-2007, 08:35 AM   #8
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brook65 HB User
Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sannah View Post
Brooke, I am so glad that he felt remorse, etc. IMO, if a teenager is trying to meet some kind of need, punishing him is not going to help him learn a more appropriate way of meeting that need. Understanding what need he is trying to meet and helping him to meet it in a more appropriate way is the best way to handle situations like this. Getting our needs met is a strong drive and punishing might not stop the need to meet these needs. Of course he needs to hear that what he did is inappropriate, however. Punishing will just drive a wedge between the two of you and he might feel that you don't understand him at all.

I totally totally agree with you here sannah.

People always say punish punish, but I like you it seems, prefer to speak to him, reason with him, explain that I have feelings too etc. I have taken away the playstation for two days like I said, but I think the best punishment is trying to actually understand his wrong behaviour, and how upsetting it is to me. Using the 'guilt' method, seems to have worked this time.

I know what you mean about driving a wedge between us, I don't want that, I want us to have a nice happy relationship, and for him to actually understand about 'hurting' my feelings.

When he spoke to me that following morning, he apologised, and I explained how hurtful and upsetting it had been for me. He tried to explain himself and was trying not to cry. It had hit home I think that him hurting me had ultimately also hurt him.

 
Old 03-31-2007, 10:39 AM   #9
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Re: 11 year old boys rudeness

It's great that he was remorseful. That means he really does care and love and respect you. Just be ready. No matter how much he does love, care, and respect you, it's going to happen again. And again. And again. And in different ways. No matter how easy the teenage years turn out for you, there is still going to be more turbulence than you imagined. So, be ready.

Oh yeah, and be ready for the next big stages. One of them is that he is not going to want to appear in public with you at all. Don't let that hurt you either. He'll get over that stage too.
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