Hello everyone, I have a unique problem I need your help with. There is a long story that leads up to this situation, but I will give the condensed version. About 8 years ago, my wife of 17 years asked me for a divorce, the reason she gave was that I was to tough on my youngest son with discipline? I will let you all decide if this is accurate or not. At the time, my son was 14 and addicted to the computer. When I say addicted, I mean he would spend every waking moment on the computer if you allowed him to. I did not allow him to. When his grades began to fall, I placed rules on the use of the computer and explained them carefully. The rule was simple- No computer until all homework was completed! My wife had agreed with this rule and we discussed it with all the children. My son would start lying about having his homework completed so he could use the computer and the wife would give in, so a amendment to the rule was created- Homework will be reviewed by a parent before computer use. My son is very bright, so he came up with a new plan, he would bring a buddy home with him after school, that way no one would say anything to him when he and his bud would get on the PC. Well I did- I said "Dont forget the rule" when he sat in front of the computer with his friend. It was on that day that my wife kicked me to the curb. I know that it was not just the discipline thing of course, but 8 years later my son is still addicted to the computer. He still lives with his mother and does not have a job nor does he want one. His social life is through IM. He once had a job, but never cashed his paychecks, he would just deposit them in the bank and for the last year and a half he has been using that money to pay for his internet service. I have asked him several time to come to dinner, or go out to dinner or a movie or something, but he refuses to come out of the basement. My oldest son and him were very close growing up but now that he is married and has a child, thier relationship has drifted apart. I had told my ex a long time ago that she needed to get him out of the basement and get a job, but she refused to listen and now she is asking me to do something about him. Honestly I dont know what to tell her. She has allowed him to behave this way for so long that he ignores any request from her to get a job. He is so smart and talented in art. While he was in school, he won many awards for his sketches and paintings, but now wont do any of it. He just plays internet games, thats it. I suggested to my ex that she give him a time limit to get a job, and make sure that he is doing his part in finding a job everyday and maybe get him into some counseling? I know that anything I say to him will not make any difference as I was made out to be the "bad guy" for so long that if I were to be the one to tell him that he needs to get a job, I again would be the bad guy. I hate to be the one to say I told her so, but...I did! By the way, when I told her about giving him a time line, she said "I am his mom, I cant do that!" Well there you go. Any ideas?
My son... just 10 yrs old love computers games.., He can sit there for a long period of time. If i will not tell him to stop he won't stop. So now i told him that he can play only on weekends... whether he likes it or not. I believe too much on something can lead to addiction... anything that out of control is allarming ang dreadful. I think your son need some couseling. To help him.
I hope things will be good on him and on your family.
If she created this monster, it's up to her to undo it.
I totally agree. She has been enabling this behavior for a very long time. Nothing will change until she decides to stop allowing it. I agree that your son needs counseling. There are probably support groups, or 12-step type programs for computer addiction. It is a bigger problem these days than most people realize.
When we were together, he was on the computer 24/7, even with the birth of our son, when he arrived home from work, the first thing he would do was to switch on the computer and ignour us!
Need to say our relationship had to end. Now 11 years on he is exactely the same, completely and abnormally obsessed.
I would say that your son is using the computer as an escape to real life, also does he find it easier to interact with people over the net as opposed to real interaction?
Your son sounds like someone with an addictive personality, and is using the computer to avoid life to some extent. Your wife seems to have allowed this unhealthy habit to continue by being too soft with him.
Obvioulsy your son is no longer a child, so the best thing you can do is to try and ask him for some time to have a proper conversation with him, and explain the addictiveness of his unhealthy obsession.
My ex is 42 single and is not working, and spends justabout every waking hour on the computer, I hope your son can kick this habit.
If he is still living at home, then your ex wife can have rules about when it is on etc.
Maybe a chat with all three of you might help...
sorry if I haven't helped much, I do understand your frustration..
I have the solution to your problem! It's going to take some balls on your part, and some very well invested money. I say that because, to get him out of the basement/your wifes house and working (prayerfully) will be an investement!
If he were my son, this is what I'd do:
Okay, here's the solution! Hire if you must, hire a computer expert to come over there an rewire the basement/re-route, mess up the connections so that the computer/internet doesn't function. Of course don't brieth a word of this to him! Find an excuse to get him out of the house!
If that doesn't work, an if he get's a lap-top and changes to another internet provider, I would go to plan #2.
As a concerned/desperate parent, I would get his account numbers/info. And I'd call the internet company and cancel his services! I would tell them his address has changed, (of course pretending to be him) and send his services to a generic address. He wouldn't have a clue what was going on.
These annoying problems would atleast temporarily disable him from using the
computer in the basement!!! Well, somebody says, how can you do that?!!
How can you invade his pravacy? Isn't that against the law?
Well, if saving my son is an invasion of his privacy, and against the law, then I would be guilty as charged!! His life and well being is worth the time I'd spend in jail, and I would spend that time with a smile on my face.
So, how bad do you want your son out of the basement? It's up to you..
Now, if those suggestions were just a little to harsh, you could have the police to meet you over there(of course after you've given him the deadline to get out) and they will exscort/assist/remove physically, him from the property. He's a grown man now, so this is legal and can be done.
Good luck, you have the power!
There are easier solutions like just plain ole blocking your router to his machine. No more internet, internet technical support should be able to help you there... Tell them you have a child and need to block the internet for there computer. His problem is not the computer.. it is what he is doing with it on line.
If all his physical needs are met at home and his social and entertainment as well.. then he has no reason to leave the nest.
Kill internet service, kill cable, kill phone except for cell.. then he is going to have issues getting the internet gratification he is accustom too.
Maybe he will wake up and if he likes his luxuries work for them.. there are many computer oriented jobs and programs.. all of this is much easier than rewiring the house.. which can be circumvented by dropping a new line after about a 15 minute service call.
If we learn by our mistakes, I am working on one hell of an education.