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Old 04-20-2007, 02:02 AM   #1
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mic8970 HB User
Unhappy new here...please help

I Guess I should give you all my background first. I am a 36yr. old married mother of two teen daughters...they are 15 & almost 18. I have been married for 17 yrs, to my high school sweetheart.
I am having serious issues with my 15 yr old. In the last year now she has begun lying ALOT, sneaking out at night and I found out has been sexually active with a boy my husaband and I never met officailly and despise. He turned out to be a very bad influence on my daughter and she found out the hard way.....he did drugs...got kicked out of school, incouraged her to steal money from us and friends to give him etc. Since she's been split up with him...things got a little better, then the **** hit the fan again in the last couple weeks. I found out she took my neighbors key (hidden under their may) gave it to a boy in the neighborhood, and they met there one night while my neighbors weren't home....and they were in the process of moving. Anyway she got caught by the husband homeowner and ran out their back door...he came straight here (2 houses down) to tell us...and she somehow beat him here and denied it was her in the house. To make a long story shorter...she lied to me and her father, my neighbor, the police for the entire night! Then at around 4 am the boy she was with admitted it was her and she got arrested for tresspassing! I was horrified, embarrassed, disappointed...you name it. Anyway, my husband and I feel we have already taken everything away from her...took her door off her room, no tv, computer, phone, grounded etc. Now It's almost like she has nothing else to be taken awy and doesn't care...like she has nothing to loose. She recently got very mouthy with my husband and he flipped out for the first time ever with our kids....he got a belt and hit her with it...not just once...but several times. I was horrified and in shock...it just happend so fast...next thing I know she was gone and I didn't find her until the next day...she stayed over at a friends house (she won't tell me where) and was extremely upset...as I was too. She was mad at me that I didn't stop him...I didn't know what to do!!! I was up the whole night looking for her...called the police ect. It was the worst night of my life.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help. I wish there was a book on parenting. If anyone has any suggestions...I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry it's so long...I needed to vent.

 
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Old 04-20-2007, 08:28 AM   #2
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mkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB Usermkgbrook HB User
Re: new here...please help

Can you perhaps redirect her interests? Judo classes or a martial arts school, dance.. anything to make her more aware of her body and how she should treat it? If she is physically diverted and occupied there will be less time for mischief. I am 31 and a martial arts instructor as well as college level teacher/researcher. I have seen what lack of constructive activities can drive bored children too.

At her age I was kicking the boys butts around me didn't want much to do with them. So it is hard for me to relate... I was always independent and self assured, so I didn't get the urge to follow and give in too peer pressure. My brother was the opposite.. he did drinking and anything to make himself acceptable to those popular around him.. and as a result got in a lot of trouble. Starting him in baseball and sports helped divert him. We also had to seek prefessional help.. as a family.

You can not clamp down too tightly on your child.. she will bolt and run or rebel more. You need to open communications with her. Talk to her about the dangers of sex.. don't look down on her for being sexually active.. it is done and over with.. but show her you love her and are concerned for the future, not just in the now. Take her to an OBGYN for a full panel and screening and get the girl birht control pills or and IUD.

Other things?
A trip to the HIV/AIDS ward in a local hospital, pregnant and homeless teens home.. anything to wake her from that teen.. I can do anything without consequences phase.

Maybe try and get her involved in a Big sister program.. anything to wake up her sense of responsibility. I am glad I only have boys to deal with.. but that opens up other issues.

Keep venting.. it helps. And remember talk.. talk.. talk. Holly bushes in front of every window and a good alarm system will help with the sneaking out.

MG
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Old 04-20-2007, 01:54 PM   #3
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theycallmemom HB User
Re: new here...please help

I am the mom of 6 - 22 year old daughter, 19 year old adopted son , 19 year old triplets who are 19 and an 18 year old. New to the board, but had to tell you...

My oldest daughter sounds alot like your daughter when she was 15 - and the more I got on her about her "lifestyle" the worse she became. She was drinking, partying, sneaking out, promiscuious the whole nine yards.... I would try and try to talk to her, and had way to many arguments with her that got me know where....

When I finally got to the point where either I learned to embrasse that stage in her life or loose my kid - things got better. Instead of not allowing her to do the things she wanted to I gave her permission...had her sign a contract saying if she was drinking she would not get in a car with a driver who was drinking, she was to call home for a ride and we would pick her up no questions asked.... let her have her parties at our home, we were there could supervise, took keys when the teens walked in the door, but suprisingly very few ever brought alcohol - most just hung out and listened to music

As odd as this sounds, she slowley began to let me into her world and alot of the goofy behaviors stopped on their own....and Im happy to say, that she is now 22 and is finally growing up!

 
Old 04-21-2007, 08:06 AM   #4
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Re: new here...please help

Mic, I agree, the confrontational approach will just make everything worse. What is going to work better here is calm communication, let her hear why these activities are so bad (calmly). Work with her not in confrontation with her.

 
Old 04-21-2007, 10:01 AM   #5
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mic8970 HB User
Re: new here...please help

Quote:
Originally Posted by theycallmemom View Post
I am the mom of 6 - 22 year old daughter, 19 year old adopted son , 19 year old triplets who are 19 and an 18 year old. New to the board, but had to tell you...

My oldest daughter sounds alot like your daughter when she was 15 - and the more I got on her about her "lifestyle" the worse she became. She was drinking, partying, sneaking out, promiscuious the whole nine yards.... I would try and try to talk to her, and had way to many arguments with her that got me know where....

When I finally got to the point where either I learned to embrasse that stage in her life or loose my kid - things got better. Instead of not allowing her to do the things she wanted to I gave her permission...had her sign a contract saying if she was drinking she would not get in a car with a driver who was drinking, she was to call home for a ride and we would pick her up no questions asked.... let her have her parties at our home, we were there could supervise, took keys when the teens walked in the door, but suprisingly very few ever brought alcohol - most just hung out and listened to music

As odd as this sounds, she slowley began to let me into her world and alot of the goofy behaviors stopped on their own....and Im happy to say, that she is now 22 and is finally growing up!
Thank you all for the advice. It makes sense to me.
This is all so new to me. I didn't go through any of this with my 18 year old! I also went to some websites and printed up some behavoral contracts...that I will modify.
I really appreciate your help...I will be back and update you all on how its going. Pray for us!

Last edited by mic8970; 04-21-2007 at 10:02 AM.

 
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