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Old 07-08-2007, 10:34 PM   #1
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elderly woman product of poor parenting

I want to compare notes with others who had a childhood like mine. We were
not poor but the manner of parenting I received was unfortunate for me. It
surely affected the way my life worked out & undoubtedly influenced me in the way I raised my own children. I did not have a normal childhood like my friends who had a sibling or two, whose parents spent time with them &
expressed love for them. Now that I am about 80 I regret that I wasn't able
to stand up to them. I felt I had to obey them or lose my place in the home.
I am now in a position to look back on my childhood & view my parents objectively. I was an only child & doubt if I was a wanted baby. My mother was a selfish woman & not attractive so as I grew up she seem jealous of me.
My dad cared for me but he generally followed my mother's lead, he was also
somewhat immature so didn't think what would be best for me My mother didn't like being a stay home mother, altho most mothers did not work at that time. Since she liked working in my dad's jewelery & gift store I was left home all alone very much of the time. I regret that she didn't spend time teaching me things or seeing that I had opportunities to learn, like swimming
lessons, etc. When I was small my mother hit me in the face very frequently & my dad did not make her stop. They renovated the apt we lived in but did not provide a separate bedroom for me as I was growing up I slept in a bed
next to theirs. Fortunately that place burned down! As I look back, I wish I
had been able to stand up to them but they stood strong together so I just
accepted it all. Had anyone had a childhool that left them unhappy like me?

 
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Old 07-09-2007, 08:00 AM   #2
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

First Thank-you for sharing your experience, it can help young parents to be sure they think to tell their children they are loved and do their best to bring them joy.

My childhood was abusive, but not exactly like yours. I had a detached father who worked a lot.. and was uncomfortable around children he could not talk to in a logical fashion.. when I was young, but he is an excellant GP and was there for us in high school and college.

My brother was very abusive (physically and verbally) to both me and my mother (she is a softy very sweet and easily deemed a push over). We were too scared to tell my father and it took my friends father teaching me martial arts after he learned it was my brother and not my father causing the bruises, black eyes, and cracked ribs. It only took six months for me to step up and return fire to my older and much larger brother (he had a good 60-70 pounds on me and well over a foot in height). I have not been able to tolerate abusive situations since and step in whenever I can. My brother stopped with his physical abusive behavior, when I took the bat he was going to hit me with and hit him in return. I could deal with the verbal abuse, thought that still hurt.. My mantra became "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

My brother grew out of it and has got his life under control. I seriously blame alcohol abuse at a young age he got in with a bad crowd and began drinking at the age of 13-14. My brother and alcohol do not mix, he is a mean drunk. He realized this after a DUI and which finally forced him to get counseling, now he is married to a strong woman and a new father and doing well. He is sweet and caring and it is hard for me to see him in the same light.

I hate that your parents were that way and hope that once you were free of them you were able to have some good experiences. I also wish some one had stepped in and stood up for you, but I know during that day and age.. what happened in the home was no one elses business. Now I wonder if we get into each others business too much.

I have a four year old and do not hit the face. Occasionally a spanking is warrented and I have popped his mouth "lightly" when he cursed or spit out food for no reason or did various other unsaviory oral foolies. But in children a light tap is normally enough to get their attention and for them to realize that such behavior is not acceptable. If marks are left you have gone to far.

I always make sure to take the time to discuss why a spanking has been earned before giving one.. this gives me time to cool down and seems to make the spanking have a bit more impact. Currently I am still using my open palm. My son is too young and well enough behaved not to warrent more. I hope I never have to use a switch or a belt, but if it is needed then I will due my duty (Spare the rod and spoil the child).. I took my fair share and always knew when I deserved it. I have no ill feeling over my spankings. I knew up front what was expected and what would happened if I broke the rules. We are very clear with our child and give him the warning.. he will some days look us in the eye and do it anyway with that.. "TAKE THAT" look and attitude. I always wayed whether or not a spanking would be worth the action. Seems like my son got that from me as well.

Best of luck to you and hope you have many happy years to go.
Respectfully,
MG
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Old 07-09-2007, 11:28 AM   #3
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

It is a very interesting topic I can relate to. I am also very jealos of my relatives and friends kids who's families are teams with kids interests as a first priority and adults take bulk of problems on themselves, kids are just helping.
I am originally not from US, but from a terrible country with huge discrimination, poverty and zero opportunities. When I was 17 our family could move to US, but my mother didn't want. She had better job than others and all other problems she was planned in advance to put on my shoulders. I ended up for years working under person who even intentionally gave me wrong information to get rid of me since she could of make more money without me and living with crazy grandfather whom I should provided food out of the air and manualy wash his clothes and do everything else. My family never helped, but asked me for help and lied to all relatives that everything fine and didn't ask for any help. When the finally agreed on departure to US it was all fall on my shoulders in addittion to terrible job I had where relationship became only worse when they found out that I was going to US and it was no way to hide it. My grandpa was changing his mind all the time about departing as if I can change documents for him every day the way he wanted. When we finally came, mother and grandpa had best place in the apartment while I who payed whole rent lived in smallest one. It would be fine with me. My mother and grandpa made my life a hell, they attacking me 'cause they don't like relatives here or tv program. They went to relatives parties only to critisize me.
I am feeling huge resentment every day. My grandpa passed away. I don't see my mother that often. I still have a lot of triggers and often ptsd room.

 
Old 07-09-2007, 06:59 PM   #4
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

Well, this is my story. Happy family up until mother's drinking got out of control. About age 10. 2 older sisters, 1 younger. Parents started going out a lot,,,to bars, parties, VFW...anywhere where there was alcohol. They would come home and then the fighting would start. Screaming, yelling, throwing things. I remember being awoken to this routinely. It was VERY scary. One Thanksgiving morning I came downstairs to find my mother laying in the fetal position inside our back door with the glass broken out of the door. The police came and took her away...somewhere where she got electric shock treatments. Didn't help. My mother was abusive...mostly when she had been drinking or under the influence of some other drug. I think she was taking some sort of pill too. She used to make me slap myself across the face until I did it as hard as she WOULD have done it. Used to make me pick my own switches to get whipped with. Castor oil. One time she hit me 21 times with a belt for chasing my little sister around the dining room table while she was trying to sleep. I was 11 or 12...I didn't even think about her sleeping. She left welts. My parents divorced when I was 13. My mother moved out and my dad retained custody. Things became more stable but my dad was working a lot so I basically did whatever I wanted. I didn't feel loved. He was not demonstrative with his feelings. My mother ended up moving out of state when I was 18. When I got married at 23 she was not in attendance...not because I didn't want her to be there but, because she was too sick from her disease.

I think most of us feel some regret about what was done or not done while we were growing up. I have dealt with it by knowing they did the best they could with what they had. I think my mother was extremely abused as a child. She apoloized on her death bed so that helped too. I pray you find some peace with what you are stuggling with.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 07:03 AM   #5
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

My uncle had same set of parents as my father, but his logo is: " I want for my kids to do better than me". For my parents: "Why should I do for you more than my parents did for me?"
I ended up do much more for them than they ever did for me. They were abused so they should abuse you - it is not an excuse.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 07:45 AM   #6
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

Dito Galinaqt,

The cycle has to break somewhere.. and only we can allow it to continue or end with us. One person can make a difference, you just have to step up and say I will not go down that road no matter if: the child smears poop all over the floor and walls.. or screams they hate you for telling them no... or breaks your favorite dish.. or microwaves his siblings toy (GI Joes will cause a microwave to fry)..

As in Physics emotionally every action has an equal and opposite reaction; the difference is we can chose that reaction. Children will test and rebel and talk back and say the darndest things.. but they are children and we can only love them give them what they need and try to make the best life for them and give them the best opportunities we can (This does not mean no rules and no discipline, children must respect adults.. lack of respect can cause a hole other set of issues. But there are exceptions to the rule.. as parents or elder siblings we can not abuse our power.)... knowing in the future.. when they have their own kids.. they will say, "I am so sorry I super glued coins to the floor. Was I that bad? How did you handle that type of behavior?.. etc. Thank-you for not tossing me overboard to the sharks." Because every thing our children do.. well, so will theirs and they will invent even newer and improved ways to test. I am getting my come uppance now, as is my brother.

Life is a cycle that does not have to repeat itself.

Sincerely,
MG
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Last edited by mkgbrook; 07-10-2007 at 07:50 AM.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 08:40 AM   #7
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

Quote:
Originally Posted by mkgbrook View Post
Dito Galinaqt,

The cycle has to break somewhere.. and only we can allow it to continue or end with us. One person can make a difference, you just have to step up and say I will not go down that road no matter if: the child smears poop all over the floor and walls.. or screams they hate you for telling them no... or breaks your favorite dish.. or microwaves his siblings toy (GI Joes will cause a microwave to fry)..

As in Physics emotionally every action has an equal and opposite reaction; the difference is we can chose that reaction. Children will test and rebel and talk back and say the darndest things.. but they are children and we can only love them give them what they need and try to make the best life for them and give them the best opportunities we can (This does not mean no rules and no discipline, children must respect adults.. lack of respect can cause a hole other set of issues. But there are exceptions to the rule.. as parents or elder siblings we can not abuse our power.)... knowing in the future.. when they have their own kids.. they will say, "I am so sorry I super glued coins to the floor. Was I that bad? How did you handle that type of behavior?.. etc. Thank-you for not tossing me overboard to the sharks." Because every thing our children do.. well, so will theirs and they will invent even newer and improved ways to test. I am getting my come uppance now, as is my brother.

Life is a cycle that does not have to repeat itself.

Sincerely,
MG
I just don't really see how it relates to my problem. With my parents it is:"When I want I am an adult. When it is convenient to me I am a little kid". I don't talk about some really minor thing like breaking microwave.
Good example is when I was paying for whole rent, while living in the smallest room and it was perfectly fine with me. My mother and grandpa was waiting for me every day when I came home and attacking with things like: "I am bored, I don't like tv, I don't like to do something I can do, but it is not fun for me to do." They went to relatives parties only to critisize me.
Before that - I was the one who pulled emmigration from one country to another, who was solving living place problem in my ex-country which was a living hell.
Is this an adult people? Everybody I knew nly helping their parents, not doing almost everything and had nothing but hurt in return.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 10:33 AM   #8
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

I am not condoning what my mother did by any means. Merely trying to rationalize in my own mind why she did what she did so I don't drive myself crazy struggling with "why did she do that to me".

I have broken the cycle with my own children so no qualms there

 
Old 07-10-2007, 10:56 AM   #9
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

I can very well rationalize why she did what she did. My relatives called her " everything should be only how it is convenient to me" person. What she did is perfectly proves what they are saying. I am not gonna do it to my daughter since I am not that kind of person to start with. It doesn't make me feel better. I was trying to use therapist for these issues, but it didn't help me much.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 11:48 AM   #10
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

I just don't really see how it relates to my problem. With my parents it is:"When I want I am an adult. When it is convenient to me I am a little kid". I don't talk about some really minor thing like breaking microwave.

True your situation is different. I was speaking in generalities. With regard to the original post. But this is my take on your situation.


Good example is when I was paying for whole rent, while living in the smallest room and it was perfectly fine with me. My mother and grandpa was waiting for me every day when I came home and attacking with things like: "I am bored, I don't like tv, I don't like to do something I can do, but it is not fun for me to do."

Your mother and grandfather put you in the position of the parent in some regards.. you were the provider and supposed to give them the best of everything. Some people have this sense of entitlement and only see their children as a means of future security and support. It is one thing to help your parents out of love and devotion quite another completely support and care for them just because they gave birth to you.

I am mouthy and will tell people off. I had enough of being badgered when I was young now I tell people what I think and where they can go if it is warrented. In the case of your mother and grandfather. They put you in the supporting role and they should have given you the respect that deserves. They should handle the cleaning and cooking and maintanence of the home while you earn the rent and livelihood. If they had time after their chores to watch TV or want something else, well they are adults.. they can enterain themselves. They are not 2 year olds in need of constant diversions to stave off the trouble boredom brings.

If they were not accepting of this view. I would walk away. Get my own place and leave them to go to the relatives for support.. or to support themselves... but that is me. They are the parental figures and should act accordingly.


They went to relatives parties only to critisize me. Before that - I was the one who pulled emmigration from one country to another, who was solving living place problem in my ex-country which was a living hell. Is this an adult people? Everybody I knew nly helping their parents, not doing almost everything and had nothing but hurt in return.


This was wrong and they were wrong. They should have been proud of your efforts and work. (Respectful) I would have kicked them to the curb and said when you are willing to give me the respect I am do you can come back.

But resentment has to be let go eventually or it will eat you up. I was a hard and unforgiving person, because I didn't want to be hurt again.. It took a husband, child, and building my own life and saying to heck with the Past I am moving toward the future for me to be content with myself.

Best Wishes to you.
MG
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Old 07-10-2007, 01:04 PM   #11
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

Thank you for your very valuable post.
Right now I am married and live separate. I still give a lot of help to my parents (grandpa passed away), but I've learned at least in someway to protect myself. I told my mother that she can only tell me something I can realistically help her with and nothing else. It works most of the time.
Problem is that in my old country system was so terrible - people were tightly depended on each other and their were no room for msitakes. If same thing happened here, it would be quite different.
Of course, I was under impression that parents are people who I should unconditionally trust and who have my interests in mind.

Last edited by galinaqt; 07-10-2007 at 01:07 PM.

 
Old 07-10-2007, 07:37 PM   #12
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

Sturgeon - are you still on this board? If so, I'd love to get your input on my own situation with my parents!

Mkgbrook - I am seriously frightened by your earlier post. You said:
Quote:
I have a four year old and do not hit the face. Occasionally a spanking is warrented and I have popped his mouth "lightly".... Currently I am still using my open palm. My son is too young and well enough behaved not to warrent more.
You are saying that you DO strike your son's face (however lightly) and that you "currently" use an open palm. Does that mean that when you are angry enough you will use more than an open palm? That scares me. Not a little - a lot!

What you are describing goes beyond spanking and comes close to abuse. I hope that I am misreading your post. If not, I wish you would seriously consider counselling and/or parenting classes. There are better ways to discipline a child. If I've misinterpreted what you said, I do apologize. But I can't read what you wrote and stay silent.

 
Old 07-11-2007, 08:05 PM   #13
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Re: elderly woman product of poor parenting

No I would never use a closed fist or strike in anger. I am a martial arts instructor and well aware of what a strike in any form can do and teach martial arts as a form of self-defense only.

To be more explicit when my son gets verbally nasty (all will pick up bad words at school, TV, etc). I have used an open hand and just my finger tips to tap him on the mouth. This does not cause his head, or body to move in the least.. there is no mark and no sound; but it is more than placing a finger on the lips to shush. Clear enough? This action will stop him from continuing in said bad speech and get his attention, so I can tell him it is bad and why. To date I have popped his mouth five times in this manner. For three bad words (the s, and c words) and two bad eating habits (spitting on a cousin at the table and pitching a royal fit over a supper he asked for).

As far as warrenting more.. that was in reference to using a switch or paddle on the backside when my son is much older. I am hoping that that will never be necessary. But I deserved the switch a few times in my mid to upper elemetary days. So no I do not believe I need counseling or that it is warrented. Everyone compliments us on our sons manners, behavior, and intelligence. We worry about being too soft on occasion because he is so smart and tries to manipulate every situation and has on many occasions manipulated his teachers and other kids in his classes. Watching children work can truely be scary sometimes.I am sorry to have distressed you and thank-you for asking me to clarify said statement.

Sincerely,
MG
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Last edited by mkgbrook; 07-11-2007 at 08:11 PM.

 
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