Re: 4.5 not doing #2 in the toilet
YOur child is old enough to know what is right and what is wrong at this age. Having a toilet ring or seat that goes on the normal toilet and a stool so their feet don't dangle helps with their comfort and feeling of security sometimes.. so there is nothing wrong with using one.
As to not going poop in the potty. I fought that battle at 2.5.. my son went through a refuse to poop at all cost phase and we were battle impaction for about two months. The pediatrician told us to do the following after like the 3rd visit.
Give child milk o mag small dose every day to ensure the stool is soft.
If the child is still refusing to go.. give them a suppository and make them sit on the potty until they go after 15 minutes has passed.
They will go. It will not be pretty, they may scream and kick and holler, but they will go.
The longer the child retains the suppository the more it will burn and increase their need to go. In you child.. I do not think it is stubbron refusal. It seems more like a why bother, nothing is going to happen that should make me want to go.
Main methods that have worked for various children I know.
You can try giving a reward of some kind every time she poops in the potty. We did that.. didn't help with my son, but many of my friends have had success with that. Two methods: one M&M for pee and three for poop, or purchase a desired toy, have beans or noodles.. and everytime the chld poops on is placed in a jar, when X counters have been achieved they get the toy.
Routine and Schedule:
You can set up an schedule and put her on the toilet every 45 minutes and keep her there for fifteen and until she poops. This worked for my brother and husband as children.. They were potty trained by 2.5 yrs. Why did this work? My GM's believe that as children we hated our play interrupted that often as we went and began to go as needed. The scheduled times lengthened and there was less interruption of play. Time relaxation phases 45 min to 1.5 hours to 2.25 hours etc. With subtle reminders in between...
Well that is all my suggestions. I would use the Routine schedule. But you have to keep firm. I had a cooking timer and this worked to potty train my son by 2.5, but the refusing to poop no matter what was another battle all together.
If we learn by our mistakes, I am working on one hell of an education.