Conflict over our three year old - Parenting Issues Message Board

phinia23 · 11-08-2007, 10:55 PM

Hi all, I am looking for some good advice in regards to my three year old daughter. Her father and I disagree on how to parent her. He has four main issues that he blames me for and he claims that I spoil her and that is why we are having these issues to begin with.
1. She still uses binkies.
2. She still drinks her milk from a bottle. I cannot seem to get her to drink it any other way.
3. She has a blanket she likes to carry around.
4. She is not "fully" potty trained. She goes #2 in the potty, but not #1. She wears pullups still.

She is a very intelligent, head strong , and sensitive child. She does not respond well to change so I tend to take a natural approach. I mean come on, lets face it, its not like she will be wearing a pullup,and holding a binkie and a blanket in her senior picture. She does not like to be pushed into anything, and her father has a tendency to push too hard. Sometimes I think that he is too hard on her. Hmmmmmmm... maybe this could be the reason why she has so many attachments to certain objects and behaviors. She is one of those kids who tend to do the opposite of whatever the parents desire. So forcing her to change does not work. She is still a baby in my book. We also have a 10 month old who she is extremely jealous of and I noticed that she has regressed a little bit since her little sis came along. So I do not see anything wrong with this situation. I guess I am posting this message because I am wondering if anyone else out there is dealing with the same issues. How can I parent our children effectively when my spouse is constantly undermining and disrespecting my approach to parenting? We cannot even seem to meet eachother half way because we both feel so strongly about these issues.

thanks

AnnD · 11-08-2007, 11:51 PM

Yes she is still a 'baby' and now with the new one she has regressed...a normal thing. If she isn't ready then she isn't ready and there shouldn't be any blame on anyone's part. I wouldn't just stop trying to get her to potty or use a cup...but the blanket and binky I would just leave her alone. I raised 4 kids and 13 grandkids and believe me your daughter is still pretty young and just isn't ready....some go into 4 or 5 and still have toilet issues but generally when they start playing with older friends just peer pressure takes care of a lot of issues. Always be there with praise and congrats for any changes but she is also very aware of the two of you fighting and the pressure can be just too much. Dad you need to just stop with the blame and be more positive and loving. Why is it so important a 3 year old be absolutely perfect. Just love her and encourage her but stop with the bickering DAD...she is just a 'baby'.

athome1 · 11-09-2007, 07:37 AM

I would try an work on the pacifier and the bottle, but the potty and the blanket I would leave go for now. My son was 3 1/2 when he finally got the whole potty thing down. He's now 4 and still wears pull up's to bed. He never has accidents during the day, but always wets his bed at nightime. I see a blanket no different than the stuffed animal I carried around for years and still sits on a shelf in my room to this day. Of course i no longer need it, but it's still cherished

As for the bottle and pacifier, You REALLY want to end the bottle thing. She's a toddler now and should be drinking from a cup. I find with my 2 year old, he wants so bad to be a big boy (I also have a 5 month old daughter), but if I baby him at all, he regresses and gets into "baby mode". I still give my 2 year old sippy cups b/c he likes to shake his cups. If there is no lid, then my table is then covered with his drink. After my daughter was born, my oldest who was 3 at the time, wanted to start back on sippy cups because he thought he needed one. I explained to him that he is a big boy and needed to use his big boy cup which he had been doing so well with since he had turned 3. He has plenty of cool cups with his name on them (no lids) for just him.

I swore after seeing my young cousin (who is the same age as my oldest son, now 4) walk to the fridge and get her own bottle, that there was no way I was letting my kids go that far. She was COMPLETELY able to use a cup, but her mom just decided to use a bottle b/c it was easier. I'm not saying that that is your reason, I just know my aunt very well, and she really didn't want to be bothered. Which is why my 4 year old cousin is still not potty trained, sleeps in a crib, uses a pacifier and drinks from a bottle. She can't go to school yet b/c she has to be potty trained. It has been suggested to her mom by others that she be checked for developmental problems. of course this is not the problem, it's just her mom's laziness. Once, when we were at the mall, a stranger thought my cousin was mentally challenged!

I can't give you any advice at all on how to get a bottle away from a toddler, I switched with all my kids at 13 months approx. My doc was very adamant about taking the bottle away b/f 18 months. I also never had a pacifier with any of my kids. See if you can move it to only sleep time. My SIL was able to get her son to stop using one by slowly weening him off it. Good luck!

bpmom07 · 11-09-2007, 12:16 PM

You need to be careful using the "natural approach", especially with a very intelligent, head strong , and sensitive child. She will soon realize that she is in control and will play you and your dh off each other. She needs to see now that you and her father are in charge and not her. Nobody likes change, but the more you do it, the more they get used to it.

But before you do anything, you and your dh need to sit down and really talk this over and come to some sort of compromise and parent your children as a team.

I agree with the others that you need to get her drinking from a regular cup and to break her off the binky. The best way to do that is to throw all her bottles away and only offer her a cup. Yes she will protest at first, but don't give in. She won't allow herself to go long enough without drinking to hurt herself and will drink from the cup when she gets thirsty enough. And for the binky, I would "lose" all of them and have her help you look for them and after awhile say "I'm sorry, they are all lost". My daughter was really hard to break off her binky and I used that one and told her that there was no more. She cried herself to sleep the first night, but after that never even missed them. You just have to stay strong and not give in to her. She will survive.

She is young, but as sad as it is, she is not a baby anymore. Please take this advice in the spirit it was intended as loving advice from a total stranger

.

mcr285 · 11-09-2007, 01:03 PM

the first thing you ought to do is talk to your husband and get united on how you are going to raise your children. if he is extra hard on your children, it might be because you are too soft on them.... which probably is a result of him being too hard.... which is a result of you being too soft..... vicious cycle.... it's how my parents were when i was a kid (only opposite... my dad was the extra soft one), and it caused a lot of conflict in their marriage, and consequentially my childhood was filled with a lot of unnecessary parental drama! so get a babysitter, take your husband out to eat and then go for a nice long walk somewhere beautiful and relaxing where you can talk about things.... and prepare him ahead of time so he doesn't feel ambushed!

it helps to establish some key rules together, like don't disagree with each other (especially about how you raise your children) in front of your kids. if he says something you don't like, ask him to talk to you privately about it, and then give him a chance to explain his reasons before you automatically disagree. ask him to give you the same courtesy. also, if you are not sure how he'll react to something, before absolutely deciding on it, talk to him about it first. learn to compromise!!!

now as far as the binky, bottle, blanket, and potty training are concerned....

it really is time to give up the binky. my daughter was 2 1/2 (she is 3 now, but will be turning 4 soon) before we got rid of the binky, and i thought it would be hard, but my method was genius, and she gave it up cold turkey! first, i had her doctor explain how a binky will start to push her teeth out and make them crookedy. then we talked about it all the way home, and i even went as far as to tell her that if she has a binky for too long, it could make her teeth turn black and fall out (i don't see it as lying, i think if a person continued using a binky into adulthood, it really could cause all sorts of rotten teeth problems!). then i found images of bad teeth and showed them to my daughter and asked her if she wanted her teeth to look like that someday, or if she wanted beautiful princess teeth? she quit using her binkies right then and has never wanted them since!

for bottles, my daughter gave them up at around 2 1/2 too. i took her to the store and let her pick out her own brand new special sippy cup just for drinking milk out of. she picked dora cups, so to this day (she's almost 4 now), she has "dora milk" in a cup (she will drink milk out of any sippy cup now, but it's all "dora milk" to her!).

i don't see anything wrong with having a special blanket, unless she's dragging it all over creation. it does tend to get a bit unsanitary. if she's taking it out everywhere (grocery stores, malls, the park, etc...) you could talk to her about germs and how her blanket is getting disgustingly full of germs and is getting all nasty, and maybe you could make a rule that the blanket at least stays at home where it's safe from all the yucky germs (don't let her drag it into the bathroom though!).

and for potty training.... with my daughter, again, around 2 1/2, she wore pullups and wet them all the time, simply because she was playing and didn't want to stop to go potty, and she knew the pullups were like a diaper. i finally put her in training panties and she wet them all day the first day, and it made me crazy! the next day, she wet one time, and i made her "clean" it up (just mopping it up with a plain rag) and the whole time talked about the nasty germs and eeeew that is so disgusting and gross! and i made her rinse her panties out and again, eeeew, that is just nasty germs, how disgusting! then i had her wash her hands and put her own fresh panties on, with a warning that if she wet her panties again, she'd have to clean it up again.... and she stayed dry the whole rest of that day (we did use pullups at naptime and bedtime, but she kept them dry!). the next day, she wet her first pair of panties, and so i had her clean it up again, same as the day before. from then on, and to this very day, the child has NEVER had an accident again (the occasional little drips when she waited just that much too long, but never a full blown accident.... well, except for the night my dad died, but she'd been in the car all day, and up until 4 in the morning at the hospital, so that wasn't exactly her fault!). so you could try putting her in panties and having her clean up her own mess when she wets them. oh, and while my daughter was in washing her hands and putting on fresh panties, i'd sneak out and really clean up after her using disinfectant and such! we did stick with pullups at naptime and bedtime, and if we were going to be gone all day.... just incase.... but she always kept them dry!

i agree with aelliot.... push the big girl thing. point out all the things that baby sister can't do, and how lucky your big girl is that she can do those things. you might have dad stay with the baby and take your older one on a big girl date, and just do big girl things (like go see a movie, or go to a park, or go to lunch at the mall and hit the indoor playground....). just something special to show her that being a big girl isn't a bad thing! my girls are exactly two years apart, and i really stressed the big girl -vs- baby thing, and i tried so hard to help my older daughter feel like she was big and important and crucial to have around to help me with her baby sister. she was "mommy's big girl helper" and did all kinds of things to help me with the baby. she got diapers, bottles (i'd make it and leave it where she could reach it and get it for me), wipes, burpies, etc.... when baby would cry, my older daughter would sing to her to help calm her down (it even worked on occasion!). when baby dropped her binky, my oldest was right there to pick it up for her! she LOVED being a big girl helper! now, she helps sort laundry, and even moves it from the washer to the dryer, and will take it out of the dryer and put it in the laundry basket for me! she has her own broom and dustpan and loves to clean up crummies under the table. the kid even loves to make her own bed every morning and does a really good job of it too! and inspite of all her big girl helpfulness, she isn't old before her time or anything like that! she has this huge imagination, everything talks (even the laundry talks.... "hey socks, wait for me! i'm coming to the dryer too! wheeee!" as she's throwing a shirt in...).

ANYWAY, this was way longer than i had intended.... hope you can find something helpful in the midst of all my rambling!!!