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Old 12-06-2007, 11:37 AM   #1
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Location: Louisville, KY USA
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chill200 HB User
My Boyfriends' Adult Children

I am trying to deal with a difficult situation;

My boyfriend and I have been going together for 3 years. He's a very nice guy and we have a great relationship. He treats me great. We both have our faults, and one of his faults is that he manages his money poorly. One of the reasons for this is because he gives gives gives to his children to his own detriment. Sigh....I dont want to sound insensitive, but here's the short story version.

One of his daughters (24 yrs old) has MS, and she lives at home with her mom (my boyfriend's ex-wife). The other oldest daughter (28 yr old) doesn't do much of anything and she floats around here and there, has gotten evicted from apartments, has lost jobs, moved in with her boyfriend, got pregnant, was depressed and diagnosed with bi-polar, and now she too has moved back in with the mom. The 28 year old goes thru first one financial hardship and then another, and whenever she needs/wants something, she comes to daddy, and he gives it to her. And there have been several occasions where he really didn't have it, but he gave it anyway, and then he ended up losing his car or being evicted himself because he didn't pay rent trying to help them financially. I understand he needs to help the dependent adult child with MS, but now the 28 year old has found a reason to require consistent help too.....because of her depression. The 28 yr old is pregnant....and the 24 yr old has a 2 yr old son too. So they both will have babies brought into this terrible situation, and the saga will never end. Several times I've had to bail my boyfriend out of financial binds, but I just wont do that anymore. If he makes his bed, then he'll have to figure out how to lay in it. He feels guity because they were both babies when the family split up and I guess somehow in his twisted mind, he's trying to make up to them now by putting himself in a financial bind to help them. But honestly, I dont think they appreciate it. I believe they use him....one of them (the 28 yr old) even called me directly one day to loan her money for rent.

I'm sooooooo tired of this, but I love him very much. Is there ANY advice anyone has that might help me keep from going insane?!!!!
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Old 12-06-2007, 12:29 PM   #2
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happymom28 HB User
Re: My Boyfriends' Adult Children

That's a tough situation chill200. Are you and your boyfriend living together?

It's unfortunate that he feels all this guilt and insists on bailing them out over and over again. He really isn't doing them any favors. Well, I should rephrase that. I do understand his helping the 24 year old with MS. I don't understand the 28 year old though. She is expecting a child and hasn't the foggiest idea how to take care of herself, let alone an innocent baby. I feel for your situation.

You can't control how he spends his money, but you already know that. The only thing you can do is not bail him out because he gets into a bind over them. Have you talked to him about helping his daughter's get some sort of assistance? Is there any job training the 28 year old could do? How does their mother feel about the situation?

If you are in fact living together just be careful. Just because you love him and live with him doesn't mean you should have to feel the financial burden of his adult children. In other words, be sure he is pulling his weight where the bills are concerned and be sure he knows that you don't expect anything less than his share.

 
Old 12-06-2007, 12:43 PM   #3
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chill200 HB User
Re: My Boyfriends' Adult Children

HappyMom,

Heck NO we don't live together! There is no way I would let this man move in with me. When he got evicted because he gave his rent money to his 28 year old, I did NOT offer my home to him. As a matter of fact, he slept in his car a couple of nights (I didn't find that out until later), but NO I can't do that. I did give him deposit money to put down on a new place, but I won't ever do that again either. I've tried to tell him that he's make the situation worst with the 28 yr old, but he told me that I dont understand. I dont' understand....ooooooookay.

Here's my story;
MY 28 year old daughter was born with a cleft lip and palate and she had 6 facial surgeries during her high school years, and in spite of that, she graduated high school with a 3.9 gpa, received a full academic scholarship to the Univ of KY, graduated college in 3 1/2 years (with honors) and is now a successful pharmaceutical sales rep and owns her own home. AND HE'S TELLING ME I DON'T UNDERSTAND?!!!!!!!! Uh I would say I DO understand what it takes to raise a confident, independent young lady. And I did all of this ALONE with no help from my philandering husband (at the time).

And not only that, but as a child, I was raised with a sister a year older than me that was a juvenile diabetic and she was sick her entire life, so I know what it's like to live with a sick sibling. My boyfriend uses that excuse for his 28 yr old that she's stressed having to live with a sick sister.

As you can see, i've lived with challenges all my life, so I'm not the one to give excuses to!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just hate to throw in the towel on this relationship. I'll have to figure out how to live with it
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Old 12-06-2007, 01:42 PM   #4
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happymom28 HB User
Re: My Boyfriends' Adult Children

I have to say you did a wonderful job with your 28 year old. You should be very proud. It's really is unfortunate that your boyfriend would rather make excuses then to help his daugher actually find her own way, but everyone is different. He will have to learn the hard way I guess. It's sad because if your relationship doesn't end up working out (and I do pray that it does) he will have nobody to blame but himself.

Good for you not letting him move in! That may sound so harsh but it's pretty obvious that you know that no good would come of that. It is sad that your relationship will probably never grow to the next level because of this. Hopefully one day he will see that his need to rescue his children may cause him to lose his relationship with a wonderful woman.

 
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