ok my almost 12 yr old dd who is my baby recently got her certification to be a sitter and couldnt be more pleased BUT for some unknown reason i worry about her going babysitting! a girl at work has one kid and lives with her bf they are both a bit rough around the edges but have a nice home and a good kid but for no reason at all i worry about her bf doing something to my dd!! i have no reason to think he will but its all i can think about! my dd loves this kid and vice versa and my friend wants her to sit during xmas holidays cause daycare is closed and both of them work but i have this crazy idea he is going to come home and do something to my dd! i have even gone so far as to ask my dd in a round about way hat if anyone touched her wrong she knows she can tell me and she said she did! my dd is so excited and i dont want to let my friend or dd down so im going ahead with it! theres 3 reasons why my brains obssessing first off my dd is my baby and very very neive when my other dd babysat i never thought twice about it but she has always been a bit more "street smart" but it never crossed my mind second my son was molested by a female sitter when he was 3 and it devastated me although didnt affect me when my other dd babysat and 3rd my friend said something tonight when i discussed this with her and i know im readin into it too muchh but the lady my dd babysits for well her bf told her he only wants my dd to babysit and then told me its cause their dd liked my dd so much and he didnt want any other sitter than her...i am trying to take that for face value but just cant seem to pls tell me im overreacting!my friend seemed to think that he was saying it for other reasons that what it prob is!! btw she isnt sleeping over there i wont let her its during the day and this lady lives right across the street from my work where i will be most of the wk.
Last edited by hayley0610; 12-18-2007 at 11:01 PM.
Would you be more comfortable with her babysitting in your home? Perhaps you can tell your daughter and your friend that you would be more comfortable with having your daughter in your home for her "first time" babysitting.
You feel the way you feel for a reason. As a parent it is our job to keep our children safe. Your gut is telling you something whether it is "reasonable" or not. I'm sure you would feel far worse allowing her to go there and having something happen then you would if you hurt your friend's feelings by suggesting the babysitting happen in your home. You just can't be too careful this day and age. You want to give people the benefit of the doubt, but you can't do it in good conscience when it would be at the expense of your child.
be honest with your 12 year old. if you think she is naive, and would allow herself to get into a bad situation, then talk to her about what makes a bad situation. you don't have to mention that the bf makes you nervous, just talk about men in general and what they are capable of. YOU be the one to drop her off and pick her up and ask your friend and the bf to make a habit of calling you just before they go home so that you can be available to pick your daughter up, then you call your daughter and let her know you are on your way. this way, if the bf shows up without you calling first, it will immediately put your daughter on her guard, because his showing up was unexpected. and tell your friend that you're doing this to make it easier for your friend so that she doesn't have to get the child out in the cold. and if your friend says it's no big deal, then be reluctantly "honest" with her and make up something good, like you've been feeling kind of blue lately because your 12 year old is your baby and you can't believe she is old enough to be babysitting, and where did the time go, and at least this way when you're out driving your daughter to and from your friend's house, you will have that "excuse" you need to take her shopping.... you know, make it sound good, and make it sound like your friend is doing you the favor of letting you take and pick up your child.
i started babysitting when i was nine for some people around the corner and they were just the best people. then i moved over to the neighborhood attached to ours when i was 11, and the people i sat for there were creepy and had some scary sex toys just in plain sight in their house! the father always made me nervous and uncomfortable and the things i mentioned above were things my mom and i worked out together so that i could babysit there comfortably.
and like it was previously mentioned, if you're really uncomfortable have them bring the child to your house.
itd be difficult to have her first we have 4 kids and another would be ikes! but this guy has given me no reason to think he is going to do anything i just see my dd as my baby and nieve! my friend has no car and because my dh picks me up from work and will be off that week he will drive her and pick her up plus she can walk to my work if she has to...i dont know why im even thinking itll happen i mean for all i know this guy is decent! and sometimes people my other dd babysat for were rough around the edges but i never worried! mainly cause she is the type to kick some man where it hurts even if they tried lol i asked this girl today what hrs her bf worked she said he leaves at 6 am and she doesnt go to wk till 9 and he is off at 3 but always work overtime and stays way later plus i also asked her why her bf really wants my dd to sit and she said he was asking his dd what she thought of my dd and she said she adored her and then he told her ok then she is the one from now on to sit! so im prob being silly plus i will be telling her call me if her bf comes home when she is there but wont quite tell her why but i will have a big talk with her about this!! and btw thanks for the comment about my son it was horrible and she never got charged as they said he was too young and no court would believe him and she got off with nothing not even a charge!!!but thats a different story altogether!
It is a tough call, but like a few of us said, you need to go with your gut feeling on this one. Maybe a little voice is trying to tell you something.
The other option is to have a frank talk with your daughter. Go over the whole "nobody should ever touch you in a private place...and if they do you must tell me...you will not get in trouble...." kind of deal. I would also keep an eye out to see if this man is trying to befriend your daughter. Most likely something will not happen the first time, but little things lead up to it.
Also, can you give your daughter a cell phone to use while she is babysitting? Call her every hour to check in on her. Tell her she must answer the phone each time you call. That way if you call and she doesn't answer, you know to get your butt over to that house right away.
Maybe it's because I'm not a parent, but I think you might be overreacting. You had said that there wasn't any reason for you to suspect the bf of being strange in any way, you just don't trust your daughter because you think she is naive. And when you asked your friend why the bf wanted your daughter to babysit, he said that their daughter really likes her a lot and wants her to be her babysitter. All of this sounds totally normal to me. Except that you have to let your daughter experience things or else she's going to remain naive and sheltered her whole life.
Definitely have a talk with her about it and let her know what to do in case of whatever situation happens to come up. But also, try to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her to make the right judgement call in this situation. She's 12 years old, she's not a baby anymore. I was babysitting at the age of 9, personally, sometimes at night for the neighbors who went out to dinner or whatever. It's really not that big of a deal.
If this bf of your friend has never done anything or given you any reason for you to have your guard up, then try not to assume the worst. And just because you think your daughter is naive doesn't mean she's stupid. If she senses you're afraid for her then she will be afraid too, and that's no way to help her become a strong adult. Sheltered kids tend to grow up at a major disadvantage because they never learn street smarts. It's really important that you give her the opportunity to learn how to handle herself in situations, because you want her to be able to deal with it when she is older.
thanks for ur honest comment i know its silly i just think to myself i would never forgive myself if i ever put her in harms way for no reason...something i couldve prevented. i guess cause these guys arent exactly my kind of people it worried me and i start to imagine things for no reason but i am going to talk to her and give her a cell.
something else you can do is get her a can of pepper spray to keep in her purse at all times. not as a "just in case the bf attacks you" thing, but just as a safety thing, like "honey as you're getting older and more independent, you'll be going places where i can't protect you...." kind of thing. and to ease your mind, enroll her in a self defense class or something. that wouldn't help for this situation, as the christmas holidays have started already, but for future nerve-wracking babysitting situations.... just some things that came to mind.
***if you do get her pepper spray though, make sure she knows to only use it in an emergency! my best friend had some and a guy (friend) took it from her and sprayed it in the middle of the commons at school, and people all the way on the other side were complaining and were bothered by it! all of us right near the guy had to run away because it had such a strong effect, our eyes were watering and it hurt to inhale.... it was awful!!!
Doesn't matter if he SEEMS nice and decent. No respectable man would shack up with a woman and her child. Sometimes people will date single mothers with children and take advantage of the vulnerable situation. I won't let my daughter babysit when she grows up. I think it is risky for various reasons, personally. I also don't let anyone babysit my child, other than Grama and Grampa when we lived near them a few times. Trust your instinct here. You can't take it back if something does ever happen on this job or another babysitting job. Just my thoughts....
You should enroll her in karate classes so she can defend and protect herself. While a phone and pepper spray is a good idea, it won't be of any use if she can't get to those items because she is being held down and restrained and saying no won't make someone stop.
Last edited by AlexaIn2006; 12-21-2007 at 09:56 PM.
Alexa ummm my husband "shacked up" with me and i had 2 kids and we are both happily married and mentally stable so that is a bizarre comment onto itself also she is in kung fu geez u like to jump to weird conclusions!!!
I listen to Dr. Laura on talk radio. (no weird conclusions, you just have a different view point than I do.)
The point isn't about being mentally unstable, it is that this man could come and go at anytime, he may not have been around long, yet this woman is living with this man in a home together with her child. Some men prey on women who are vulnerable and who may be dependent or needy and may take advatage of the situation in who knows which way. I wouldn't let a child babysit in that home because I don't think that is a healthy living situation and I don't think children should think it is okay to shack up.
Like I mentioned before, if you do let your children babysit I would make sure they know karate first, so they are able to defend themselves. Saying "no" won;t make someone stop and they may not be able to reach pepper spray or a phone if they do have one if they are being restrained by a larger adult, especially a man. Best of luck in your decision.
Last edited by AlexaIn2006; 12-22-2007 at 03:24 PM.
Alexa KUNG FU IS A FORM OF MARTIAL ARTS JUST LIKE KARATE!! Since u said you listen to Dr. Laura it is all making sense now...i guess i lucked out shacking up with my husband because he didn't turn out to a predator, oh my mom lucked out too cause she shacked up and remarried when we were kids and i didn't get touched...my best friend lucked out cause she was a single mom shacked up and remarried and her kids ae untouched...my neice lucked out cause her mom shacked up with a guy and got married and she is untouched...do i need to go on? is there and ignore button somewhere or should i say ingorance?