My 19 years old carnt keep a job - Parenting Issues Message Board

RG766 · 12-19-2007, 05:46 AM

I am fed up with my daughter not in work! We are a family that all work and I suppose you just think your kids will do the same. It seems she has every reason not to stay in work, from don't get on with people, not my fault im late again, its because you didn't help me. She has just been sacked for time keeping and looking scruffy.

I have picked her up dropped her off, I am a nurse so on my days off i spend running her around to job interviews, job centres, careers advice centre and so on and so on. I also stand back and tell her to help herself this causes BIG out burst from her of I carnt help it.

My daughter has always had a bad temper and canbe abusive although she has improved over the last few years with counciling and help form her family. I just feel fed up, my husband has been made redundant twice and now works in a job he hates to keep us afloat, this causes problems.

On a weekend my daughter does nothing but moan she wants this and carnt afford to go out, so she sits with us, the tension is mounting. I am a happy person mainly and we do alot as a family, we socialise with all the young adults in the family and keep in contact through e-mail / text, I carnt see what else I can do.

I was brought up to pay your way and at 19 I feel my daughter should. My son is 21 and abroad working, it took him sometime to find his feet and now sounds happy with a new girlfriend and regular income. We took a firm aproach to if you dont go to college you work. HELP!!

Mainegirl · 12-19-2007, 09:50 AM

I'm not sure about the UK but here in the US, you are not obligated to help her after she turns 18. Tell her she needs to get a job and start contributing to house expenses or she has to move out. Why are you spending time driving her around? There must be some form of public transportation available. Stop paying for anything that she uses (personal products, clothing, etc...). You've done your job as a parent.

mcr285 · 12-19-2007, 10:21 AM

i agree with the previous poster. i lived in england for a few years and the one thing i could always count on was the bus system! and most places were easy enough to get to by bike anyway (i did both). at 19, your daughter should be working a steady job and helping with the bills and if she's not willing to do that, then maybe she needs to find another place to live! it's not fair to put all that strain on you and your husband. if she doesn't know how to budget, offer to help her set one up. require that she pays rent to help with the house bills - it doesn't have to be much, but it will help her become responsible with her money and it will teach her the importance of keeping a job. if you're going to keep running her around and babying her, she will not learn self respect or self discipline. tell her you're through. give her so many months to get a job, all on her own, and that she is to start paying this much rent by this day or she can find a new place to live. then be prepared to act on it. my mom and dad kicked my sister out of the house when she was about that age and it was the best thing they ever did for her because it forced her to grow up and be responsible! and yes, their relationship suffered for a year or two, but then she grew up and got over it! above all else, make sure she knows that no matter what SHE chooses, you love her and you will ALWAYS love her!

vsmom · 12-19-2007, 04:15 PM

Speaking as someone who lived at home until I was 24.....girl needs to take some responsibility for herself. My parents did everything for both my brother and me and it wasn't what we needed. They weren't teaching us how to take care of ourselves or how to make it in the real world. When they finally kicked us out, it was the best thing they could have done.
Your daughter is only 19, but far better to learn now than later. Sounds like she's not very happy....my judgement....what is she into? Maybe she can go to school to do something she is interested in.
She is also making her problems your problems.....getting rides here and there. I haven't been to the UK but I'm sure there's a bus there.

She needs to feel the consequences of her decisions. If you don't have a job, you don't have a car, you don't have money to go out and do the things you want to do. AND, its not fair for her probs to become probs in your marriage.
Sometimes we all need a good swift kick in the butt to get us in gear. Good luck!!!

KeltoKel · 12-19-2007, 06:32 PM

I agree that a swift kick is sometimes needed, but does your daughter have emotional issues in general? Was she a good student and teenager? It just seems like she could be depressed or have some kind of emotional disorder as well and maybe needs some medical help. Is she taking anything?