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Old 02-01-2008, 08:15 AM   #1
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Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

Hello all,

I have been on this site for a while although this is the first time I have placed a thread on this board. I am seeking some advice.

Here is a little background information.... My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, we have known each other for about a year and have talked about moving in together in April. We are both single parents (I have a 5 yr old little boy and his little boy is 3 yr old).

Being single parents, we have both co-slept with our children since they were little. Since dating, we have had to sneak around while our children are sleeping just to enjoy some adult time. Both of our children will not go to sleep unless we are laying down with them. The draw back to this is, after laying there for an hour, we usually fall asleep, in separate beds, separate rooms causing a visible strain on our sex life.

So trying to find ways to resolve our situtation, my thought was maybe I could sneak in his and his little ones bed after mine goes to sleep. Maybe at least this way we can get some cuddle time. Yeah, needless to say, that idea was a failure. His little one took up the whole king size bed pushing him into me while pushing me off the bed or my son would sneak in there sometime in the night leaving no room for him or me. Either way, I would end up re-treating back to the spare room, the spare bed, and waking up completely exhausted.

I have expressed several times to my boyfriend that I felt this in an area in which we need to focus on. Not only just for our children but for our relationship. I am tired of sleeping with children and I am ready to work at putting them in their own bed. (No, we do not live together but he has a spare bedroom in which we turned into my little man's room so when we are over there, he feels like he has a space of his own). He agreed and supposely I thought the decision was made to work at it.

The other night we stayed at his house. We did our usual routine (bath, brushing teeth, reading books...which by the way is done completely separate with our own children in different parts of the house.) I decided this would be my first night to try and put my little boy down by himself. My boyfriend asked if I would come lay down with him and his son after my son was asleep. I thought to myself...no, that wasn't the agreement besides that would not be fair to my little boy or me. Why would I want to work on getting my child to sleep in his own bed just to go and sleep in my boyfriend's bed with his little boy. I am afraid my child would feel like I was rejecting him and by all means, I am not. So, my only solution to this was to sleep in my boyfriend's little boy's room.

The next night my boyfriend came over briefly, we got on the subject of our little boys. He basically said that he was not going to start having his little man sleep by himself until he was potty trained and he wasn't planning on potty training until the spring when it gets warm. Although I disagree with his tactics, I understand that he is not ready to stop sleeping with his little one and because of this, I decided it would be best to eliminate sleepovers entirely. Now because I have made that decision, he is feeling rejected.

Any ideas how to handle this matter? I guess there is nothing I can do until he is ready. I don't want to pressure him to work at getting his little one to sleep in his own bed but I am not moving in April to sleep in separate beds. I want to be treated like a girlfriend, not a roommate.

Thanks for letting me rant on your board.....

~M~

 
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Old 02-01-2008, 04:13 PM   #2
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

OK, I think that you are on the right track with trying to let your child learn to sleep by themselves. It is not wrong to want to sleep with your child but it may become a handicap. It may get to the point where the child will always be dependant and needy. You want your child to learn independance. my sister had 8 kids and she breast fed one for so long (about 2 years) that he cannot go to sleep without her. I think your boyfriend is making excuses of why he won't let his son sleep by himself. After the child is potty trained, he's gonna make another excuse. You need to put your foot down and tell him that you had an agreement. His son is not gonna hate hi if he makes him sleep on his own. Its not negleting to make a child sleep by themselves. Who knows, he might be the one scared to let go, not the child. In any case, i think it is a good idea for you to continue to have your child sleep on his own. Its bound to happen, and the sooner the easier.

ps
what is the significance of your boyfriends child being potty trained first.
If he's going to pee in the bed, its gonna happen whether he's there or not.

 
Old 02-02-2008, 04:09 PM   #3
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shorti HB User
Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

i have to agree that sooner the children sleep on their own the better. im a child that used to sleep with my parents and i think it got a bit ridiculous. i probably started climbing into bed with them when i was about 2 years old and it lasted till i was about ten. my dad started sleeping on the floor next to me but it would be dad falling asleep not me. it got to the point when i went to primary school, i was getting too big to sleep inbetween my parents so dad would have to go sleep in my bed while i slept with mum. these things can drag on for years, trust me. children adapt easily and they may cry at night to begin with but they will soon learn to sleep on their own. my parents probably should of put a lock on my door and let me cry myself to sleep. after all crying at night makes anyone tired and bored so i probably would of fallen asleep eventually.

 
Old 02-02-2008, 04:14 PM   #4
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

It seems the best thing all around would be for you both to try to adjust your children to sleeping on their own in their own homes before doing any more sleepovers. If your boyfriend is not willing to do this right now, then I guess he'll have to be willing to wait until you can sleep there again. I think you made the right decision, and if your boyfriend is feeling rejected, think how your little boy feels when you leave the bed he's in to go sleep with your boyfriend and his child. It's unfortunately a complicated issue (but obviously you already know that ).

I don't want this to sound wrong, but if I was the mother of your boyfriend's child, I would feel uncomfortable with a woman sleeping in the bed with my ex and my child together (not implying anything about the mother - just trying to use it as an example). Now that your home life is about to change so much, it's the perfect time for the adjustment. You and your boyfriend need your alone time - and that definitely doesn't include a little one in the bed with you.

Good luck.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:02 AM   #5
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckydarlin View Post
I don't want this to sound wrong, but if I was the mother of your boyfriend's child, I would feel uncomfortable with a woman sleeping in the bed with my ex and my child together (not implying anything about the mother - just trying to use it as an example). Now that your home life is about to change so much, it's the perfect time for the adjustment. You and your boyfriend need your alone time - and that definitely doesn't include a little one in the bed with you.
I completely understand your concern, however; neither of our exs are really involved in our kids lives.

I have mentioned this to my boyfriend before. He basically says that his son's mother has no say in the matter. So, it wouldn't matter what she thought.

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it very much!!!

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:07 AM   #6
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

I thought I just read and responded to your post last week on this subject, so I'm surprised you say this is your first post on this board??
Anyway, i'll tell you what I told you on your other thread. your BF is not ready for a grown up relationship. You already told us you discussed it with him and he says he's not ready and he likes sleeping with his son. Consensus was don't move in and don't sleep over until he changes some things. Like I said unless I'm confusing you with someone else (and I don't think I am), I'm wondering why your posting this again.....maybe you were hoping for some different responses?

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:18 AM   #7
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

rosequartz,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I posted the same subject on the relationship board. I was hoping by posting on the parenting board, I would get more information on how to get the little one's out of our bed. This my first post on this board but I have been posting on other boards on this site for a while.

I agree with your comment that he is not ready for a "couple" relationship. When I mentioned this statement to him, he looked at me and stated," I would appreciate it if you stop telling me how I am thinking or feeling." My reply was," Well, you don't express it so I am left to assume." He said he would work on his communication with me but he has to work on a scheduling plan before transitioning his son to his room. It gives him something to go by. We shall see........

Thanks again for the reply.

Last edited by mary023; 02-05-2008 at 07:21 AM.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:26 AM   #8
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary023 View Post
rosequartz,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I posted the same subject on the relationship board. I was hoping by posting on the parenting board, I would get more information on how to get the little one's out of our bed. This my first post on this board but I have been posting on other boards on this site for a while.

I agree with your comment that he is not ready for a "couple" relationship. When I mentioned this statement to him, he looked at me and stated," I would appreciate it if you stop telling me how I am thinking or feeling." My reply was," Well, you don't express it so I am left to assume." He said he would work on his communication with me but he has to work on a scheduling plan before transitioning his son to his room. It gives him something to go by. We shall see........

Thanks again for the reply.
Ok that's why I was confused! I think you need to cut him off cold turkey so he realizes what you are bringing to this relationship. Stop working around him, let him work around you for a change. So is he saying that he knows he needs to work on communicating with you, but that's not as important as working on a scheduling plan? I think he's stalling, he's not giving acceptable answers, and he's just kinda coasting because you're allowing it. Cut him off.
Stop planning your life around him and his son.

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:26 AM   #9
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary023 View Post
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I posted the same subject on the relationship board. I was hoping by posting on the parenting board, I would get more information on how to get the little one's out of our bed. This my first post on this board but I have been posting on other boards on this site for a while.
Maybe what I should have said was, this is my first thread on this board. I have been posting on other people's threads. Sorry, still getting use to the lingo.

Take care,
~M~

 
Old 02-05-2008, 07:29 AM   #10
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Re: Co-sleeping - I am ready, he's not....

Quote:
Originally Posted by mary023 View Post
Maybe what I should have said was, this is my first thread on this board. I have been posting on other people's threads. Sorry, still getting use to the lingo.

Take care,
~M~

no problem, I just recognized the story......and knew I saw it before

 
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