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Old 03-12-2009, 02:29 PM   #1
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Exclamation step children

i have a wonderful family, i am engaged to a beautiful christian woman who has 3 kids. two of the kids stay with us. they are both girls, one is 9 and is a handful at times but its the usual things growing up. the other child is 13 and that is were the problem begins, after reviewing some information on the internet i learned that alot of step parents are going through the similar thing. and it is kind of good that i am not alone. the 13 yr old minipulates her mom to do just about anything and everything. we have made some rules but the mother is not consistent with any of them. i have tried to explain to her we have to be on the same page at all times. and never let the children divide us, but it has happened. i am feeling as if i have been betrayed by my fiace. i do want her to be happy, but if her daughter doesnt want me to be around or doesnt care for me should i leave. i just want peace in my heart and in theirs. i understand that kids can be kids, and she is only 13, but how long should i put up with the costant arguing. the feeling of betrayal, and the lonelyness that i feel from the whole family. i have tried to reach out to my step daughter, and it just doesnt get through to her. i am a strict parent, but i raise them to be respectful, go to church and respect elders. but for some reason we just cant get along. in need of some help.

 
Old 03-13-2009, 09:38 AM   #2
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Re: step children

Unfortunately you are in no position to do any discipline to the girls. It's their mom's responsibililty. If she's inconsistent, then you can discuss that with her. The girls will resent you trying to tell them what to do. You can either accept this and continue the relationship or move on. Perhaps in time the girls will come to accept you as part of the family, but right now it's best just to back off in the discipline department unless it's a matter of life and death. Good luck because it's a difficult situation.

 
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Old 03-13-2009, 10:45 AM   #3
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Re: step children

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Originally Posted by rudiraven View Post
Unfortunately you are in no position to do any discipline to the girls. It's their mom's responsibililty. If she's inconsistent, then you can discuss that with her. The girls will resent you trying to tell them what to do. You can either accept this and continue the relationship or move on. Perhaps in time the girls will come to accept you as part of the family, but right now it's best just to back off in the discipline department unless it's a matter of life and death. Good luck because it's a difficult situation.
yeah you maybe right i just dont know what to do when i see the rules being broken and nothing is done about it. if i plan on spending my life with this woman then these children are going to be in my life as well. what should i do if i see them not abeying the rules go tell mom. i just dont know what to do, i know i put myself in this position, and me and only me can get out of this position. but what can i do when the love of my life's kids are keeping us from continuing our future. i dont want to leave her, she is everything to me. but we dont see eye to eye, and thats where im stuck. i am at the house the majority of the time with them that is why i see all the wrong. i have tried lookiing the other way, simply just go to my room when i get off and come out when my fiance is home. but then i hear it from my fiance that i am shedding myself from the family.

i really appreciate you replying to my post for like i said i am stuck in a position that i can seam to get out of.

 
Old 03-13-2009, 01:57 PM   #4
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Re: step children

You can mention to your fiancee that the girls are breaking the rules, but it's up to her to do the correction. Of course, if the girls see you as a "snitch" that surely won't endear you with them . If you see them breaking her rules you can also say "Would your mom approve of that". I noticed that you see the girls as being an obstacle to your future. I am sure they can pick up on that vibe. Children are very perceptive. Always be aware that if there has to be a choice, she will choose her children over you, as any good mother would. I would suggest some family counseling to work out these difficulties before any permanent commitments are made.

 
Old 03-13-2009, 02:10 PM   #5
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Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by rudiraven View Post
You can mention to your fiancee that the girls are breaking the rules, but it's up to her to do the correction. Of course, if the girls see you as a "snitch" that surely won't endear you with them . If you see them breaking her rules you can also say "Would your mom approve of that". I noticed that you see the girls as being an obstacle to your future. I am sure they can pick up on that vibe. Children are very perceptive. Always be aware that if there has to be a choice, she will choose her children over you, as any good mother would. I would suggest some family counseling to work out these difficulties before any permanent commitments are made.
No there not really an abstecle what I ment was if we spend the rest of our lives together is this what I have to look forward to. I love them dearly with all my heart as if they were mine, I think that's what's bithering me the most I know deep down they are not and when it comes to it they pretty much want it that way. Thanks for your help soooo much I never opened up like this before (online ) but it is truely helpful. I am going to use ur advice, I'm gonna back off 180 degrees from the girls. But I will inform them it is my house just as well as there moms and I have sum rules of my own. Thank u dearly

 
Old 03-13-2009, 03:53 PM   #6
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Re: step children

Step parenting is very hard because there is a fine line. Although I do agree that you both as a parent and a parent figure in the home do have to be on the same page. But, with all due respect that the mom was raising these girls before someone came into their lives and had there way of doing things, so the way you was raised or the way you have previously raised children are going to differ from what your going through now. You can not expect to come into the home and feel that all will change right away, it will take time to reach that relationship understanding w/ the children. Each child is different and that has to be taken into consideration. What you need to do is not only set the rules but maybe you and your finance sit down to gether and find what is comfortable for her as the mom and you as the step parent and find that happy medium where you both feel comfortable and no one is felt disrespected or put on the back burner.

 
Old 03-13-2009, 07:05 PM   #7
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Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolejaly View Post
Step parenting is very hard because there is a fine line. Although I do agree that you both as a parent and a parent figure in the home do have to be on the same page. But, with all due respect that the mom was raising these girls before someone came into their lives and had there way of doing things, so the way you was raised or the way you have previously raised children are going to differ from what your going through now. You can not expect to come into the home and feel that all will change right away, it will take time to reach that relationship understanding w/ the children. Each child is different and that has to be taken into consideration. What you need to do is not only set the rules but maybe you and your finance sit down to gether and find what is comfortable for her as the mom and you as the step parent and find that happy medium where you both feel comfortable and no one is felt disrespected or put on the back burner.
Yeah I totally agree with you I am going to have a long talk with my fiance and hope we can reach an agreement. She is a real good woman, and her daughters aren't bad I just want peace between all of us. I keep praying that its a phase she is going through, and I don't want to give up. But I can see that its tearing up my fiance and I hate to see her like that. If I'm out the picture everything is fine. There is really nothing I wouldn't do for her. Its in gods hands, and he will guide us to the right path

 
Old 03-14-2009, 05:06 AM   #8
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Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by time2tell View Post
Yeah I totally agree with you I am going to have a long talk with my fiance and hope we can reach an agreement. She is a real good woman, and her daughters aren't bad I just want peace between all of us. I keep praying that its a phase she is going through, and I don't want to give up. But I can see that its tearing up my fiance and I hate to see her like that. If I'm out the picture everything is fine. There is really nothing I wouldn't do for her. Its in gods hands, and he will guide us to the right path


I wish you the best. Its going to be hard road, but once your fiance and step children realize your not going anywhere and that your standing your ground of wanting them a part of your family as well as you a part of theirs you will see some positive start to happen. I think once you and your partner find that happy medium in child raising and have a family meeting things will be smoother. Of course any child is going to test a parent, so that is normal but once you have the ok to go ahead and your in agreement the kids will eventually see mom and step-dad aren't backing down they will give up a little and accept this is family.

I can relate to your situation, only difference is I am the mom and my partner is also trying to step in and be that 50/50 with me, and I understand we are in this together and that is what family is about. It is not my way or his way it is "our" way. We still have our battles sometimes over parenting, but even in a home w/ both biological parents there is a battle. Good luck and things will be fine, never walk away thinking someone is better off with out you either, your strength and determination shows true love from the heart..........

 
Old 03-14-2009, 06:11 AM   #9
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Thumbs up Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolejaly View Post
I wish you the best. Its going to be hard road, but once your fiance and step children realize your not going anywhere and that your standing your ground of wanting them a part of your family as well as you a part of theirs you will see some positive start to happen. I think once you and your partner find that happy medium in child raising and have a family meeting things will be smoother. Of course any child is going to test a parent, so that is normal but once you have the ok to go ahead and your in agreement the kids will eventually see mom and step-dad aren't backing down they will give up a little and accept this is family.

I can relate to your situation, only difference is I am the mom and my partner is also trying to step in and be that 50/50 with me, and I understand we are in this together and that is what family is about. It is not my way or his way it is "our" way. We still have our battles sometimes over parenting, but even in a home w/ both biological parents there is a battle. Good luck and things will be fine, never walk away thinking someone is better off with out you either, your strength and determination shows true love from the heart..........
Thank you so much for ur help, I really had no one to turn to for adviced and really felt lost on this issue.I will continue to work on the areas you expressed and I now feel a little more secure and confident that we can get through this little delima. Pat urself on the back you may just have saved my future marriage god bless you and really thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!

 
Old 03-14-2009, 06:11 PM   #10
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Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by time2tell View Post
Thank you so much for ur help, I really had no one to turn to for adviced and really felt lost on this issue.I will continue to work on the areas you expressed and I now feel a little more secure and confident that we can get through this little delima. Pat urself on the back you may just have saved my future marriage god bless you and really thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!


You are very welcome, anytime your feeling uneasy just drop me note and hopefully I can help. I am always glad to know that I can help someone in some manner. I wish the best for you and your family......

 
Old 03-17-2009, 11:32 PM   #11
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Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by dolejaly View Post
You are very welcome, anytime your feeling uneasy just drop me note and hopefully I can help. I am always glad to know that I can help someone in some manner. I wish the best for you and your family......
hi there this is the mom off theses 2 girls. now i need help wHAT I TELL YOU THAT MY HUSBAND TO BE GETTS AFTER MY DAUGHTER ABOUT EVERYTHING., LIKE BOYS AND MUSIC AND EVERY LIL THING SHE DOES WRONG. I AM NOT SAYING MY DAUGHTER IS AN ANGEL BUT I HAVE RAISED HER BY MYSELF MOST OF HER LIFE AND BROUGHT HER UP TO LOVE GOD AND HERSELF AND ALSO MY OTHER KIDS AND THANKFULLY I CAN SAY THEY DO NOT DO DRUGS OR IN ANY GANGS THEY DO REALLY GOOD IN SCHOOL AND MY DAUGHTER IS VERY MUCH INVOLVED IN CHURCH. AND I PRAY SHE WILL REMANE THAT WAY. HE JUST GETS AFTER HER FOR EVERTHING. WERE IF ONE NITE THEY WANT TO STA UP LATE TO WATCH A MOVIE I LET THEM WERE HE THINKS I AM BEAKING THE RULES ABOUT BED TIME. I TELL HIM PLE JST PIC AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES AND WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE GETS MAD IS SHUTS HIM SLELOVE OUT OF THEIR LIVES UNTIL HE IS READY TO TALK TO THEM. WHAT DO I DO? BYE THE WAY SHE IS 13

 
Old 03-18-2009, 05:16 AM   #12
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Re: step children

Quote:
Originally Posted by time2tell View Post
hi there this is the mom off theses 2 girls. now i need help wHAT I TELL YOU THAT MY HUSBAND TO BE GETTS AFTER MY DAUGHTER ABOUT EVERYTHING., LIKE BOYS AND MUSIC AND EVERY LIL THING SHE DOES WRONG. I AM NOT SAYING MY DAUGHTER IS AN ANGEL BUT I HAVE RAISED HER BY MYSELF MOST OF HER LIFE AND BROUGHT HER UP TO LOVE GOD AND HERSELF AND ALSO MY OTHER KIDS AND THANKFULLY I CAN SAY THEY DO NOT DO DRUGS OR IN ANY GANGS THEY DO REALLY GOOD IN SCHOOL AND MY DAUGHTER IS VERY MUCH INVOLVED IN CHURCH. AND I PRAY SHE WILL REMANE THAT WAY. HE JUST GETS AFTER HER FOR EVERTHING. WERE IF ONE NITE THEY WANT TO STA UP LATE TO WATCH A MOVIE I LET THEM WERE HE THINKS I AM BEAKING THE RULES ABOUT BED TIME. I TELL HIM PLE JST PIC AND CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES AND WHAT HE DOES WHEN HE GETS MAD IS SHUTS HIM SLELOVE OUT OF THEIR LIVES UNTIL HE IS READY TO TALK TO THEM. WHAT DO I DO? BYE THE WAY SHE IS 13

Thank you for replying as well. As the mom of a similar situation as I mentioned in my response to your husband/fiance. I know where your both coming from, beings I have the same situation only a boy and 12. That's why I tried to explain that it can not be his way or your way beings both of you had different ways of raising children and home rules prior and it doesn't mean that it was wrong, it was what worked best in the home before. My partner is on my son for every little thing he does as simple as sitting his back pack down in the wrong spot after school, and we have went round and round over the kids, beings there is another child a girl 7, but the horns collide w/ my 12 yr old. We spent more time arguing over the kids rather than solving the issues. I can relate to all your saying, the only way it is going to work is you both sit down and keep an open mind and respect where the other half is coming from. The happy medium is what is needed, he has to respect what you ask of him as well as you respect of him and find that middle ground where you both can be content. I have been on both sides of the fence before where I was also the step -parent so I understand where your both coming from. Its just like raising a baby from newborn when you step into a ready made family, the rules and things a person may feel should be worked on slowly. No one can step in and change a person especially a child in a short time. There has to be some slack in a home, it is a home not a military school and when something is out of line instead of reacting he can ask them of what he wants,basically talk to them in a normal tone, it does not have to be a barked order. Just as I told my partner, if I wanted him to take the trash out, which way would be the best way to do it...say "take the damn trash out now!" or hey can you take the trash out for me?...he said the second one, and I told him the kids are the same way....We can never w/drawl from them and walk away, it is not because the child will feel they have won a battle it is because they will feel they are not loved in the way they are told. They may be small adults, but still they will also be defensive when ordered around just as adults do, or feel like someone doesn't care if they turn there back on them and won't talk to them. The one understanding I told my partner is these kids were use to a unit of a single parent and now they have 2 parents in the home and it will take time for them just as it would him. It is a lot of patience and love, but even in the home w/ both biological parents they fight over the kids. But, the best way is respecting each other and talking where the rules apply and not over doing it. If a rule gets bent once in awhile it is not a crime, just like w/ staying up late once in awhile, with hectic lives now days that extra 15-30 minutes of bonding w/ mom or dad is sometimes needed. As long as there is not an issue w/ them getting up for school the next morning once in awhile is not showing them that they won the rule game, it is letting them know that if they show respect to both of you that you two as parents can be relaxed to at times. Also another thing I done was asked my partner to not disrespect me and have a family meeting aside from the rules and changes meeting in the home, is to let my kids speak what they feel and for him to not interrupt them at all so he can get a feel where they are coming from as well. He may not like what they have to say, just as the kids may not like what he has to say, but to respect and understand one another. It was strange but my son said some harsh things and what he felt, but by the end of the meeting they were talking about all kinds of things that had nothing to do w/ rules and the home, but it was a start for them to understand one another. Plus all kids and I don't care if it is from a military family, a ministers home all kids will stand to argue its a given. But, if everyone takes a breath and thinks about how blessed it is to just have that family bond and to be given a chance to love and be loved that child raising should not even be a factor in if a relationship will make it. He will have to find a way to bond w/ the girls as well, not as a authority figure but to just hang out and joke around w/ the girls to build trust so they can feel comfortable if they have a issue and mom isn't around to go to him,They will still see him as the other authority parental figure in the home but they might feel they are not being controlled but feel they are being loved,but until you two come to a agreement on what is rules and what is not it will continue as a battle. One thing has been hard for me is grounding, when I would ground the kids I would slack, I admit it was wrong, and now I do stand down and when they are grounded I make sure when I start to feel weak he steps in for me. Believe me it was hard to allow someone else that control over my kids, but I have learned to allow that 50/50 in the home is working better even for me. Another agreement that was made if one of the kids got into trouble that calls for a punishment of some sorts, is that before punishment was set in that both of us talked about what we felt was best for punishment for what ever it was and then talked to the child. Does he have any children that are his own? How does the girls feel about him? I hope this helps. Sorry so long winded, but anytime you want to talk or swap stories as parents I am here maybe in some ways we all can help one another to get through the struggles of parenting, step - parenting and relationships.....sure beats the heck out of 200.00 hr through a counciler..haha...good luck Hun and I wish the best for your family....

 
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