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Old 05-12-2009, 01:47 PM   #1
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rainlovers1 HB User
Step Daughter

I have a problem I have not been able to figure out. Just a little back ground I was a young mom and I have been a single mom almost all of it till the last year. I have 3 kids and now I have 3 Step kids also. One which lives with me.

I helped my husband fight for her. She was a dependent of the sate and we fought very hard to get her. She has had a unstable life. Her mother is a Drug addict and her father is a recovering drug addict. She hasent lived with any of them since she was very young. She is now 14. Since she has moving there is all kind of conflict in our home.

My kids were always raised to be self reliant. Cause i always worked. There good kids and normally we never have problem.

My step daughter has separation issues, the minute we leave the house she calls and normally keeps calling. It has calmed down over the last year but she still does it. She like to argue with her dad and trys to manipulate him. He hasent been a involved parent for a long time so he is new to it.

Her manipulation is any thing from seeking attention to making him feel sorry for her by bringing up things. I like my home low key and relaxed. ALways has been that way but now my nerves are on edge all the time. I dont know what to do about it. I love my husband but it is driving me crazy.

 
Old 05-13-2009, 11:08 AM   #2
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Re: Step Daughter

Wow, I admire you for taking this on. What a huge heart you have. Pretty difficult taking on a 14 year old who has so much "stuff" ..who knows what shes been through(?)

Has she had any counseling?

What if you were able to spend alone time with her every week. Even just an errand: trip to the grocery store, post office. Just a bit of alone time can work wonders.

I say you because your the mom, you are the one who is self reliant (congrats by the way on raising your kids to be able to take care of themselves). It sounds to be like she REALLY needs some individual attention because she is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like what if these 2 people change their minds. Let her know she is there for good. You are not going to let her go anywhere. You fought for her and your gonna keep her.

14 its a rough age no matter what the circumstance.

Last edited by withapurpose44; 05-13-2009 at 11:20 AM.

 
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Old 05-13-2009, 01:43 PM   #3
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Re: Step Daughter

With is right.

First she needs to be in counseling if she isn't already. Then perhaps you need to go as a parental unit with her so she sees that you are there for her and with her. You have gone this far, keep going the extra mile.

How is she doing in school? Are her grades ok? Perhaps she can earn a special time with her dad for getting good grades. a night out for a movie and dinner?
Then I think that she would benefit from one on one time with each of you. Whether it's doing chores such as laundry where you can just chat and talk about why you fought so hard to get her and what you have in mind for her for the future, or running errands or just going out for a soda. It won't hurt for her to have that special time with each of you. She hasn't had a mom and dad per say so it will take time for her to learn to ease up on the "I wants". Right now she is much like a toddler who is learning about attention from adults. You just need to cut her some slack. A large amount of patience and a deep breath and you're half way there....

good luck and I admire you. But tell your hubby he can't fall for the guilt trip that she laying on him. That's playing dirty and not fair....

 
Old 05-14-2009, 05:31 AM   #4
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rainlovers1 HB User
Re: Step Daughter

She is 14 the sate of washington says that at age 13 they have to consent to counciling

 
Old 05-27-2009, 07:29 AM   #5
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Re: Step Daughter

Then you know what? You tell her that you think that she would benefit from having some counseling because of all she has been through. Tell her that there is nothing wrong with counseling, it's a way of learning how to express yourself and your feelings and how to get along as a family etc. Then tell her you want to go as a family with her if she will go. Open the door, it's all you can do. Does she know that she has to agree to counseling? If not just make the appointment and take her!

If she won't go, I think you and your hubby need to go to learn how to handle this child as part of your family. She will drive a wedge into your house hold otherwise. She has many issues in her life and you need to know how to handle them to best of your ability and with the least impact on the rest of your children.

good luck..

 
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