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Old 07-23-2009, 09:58 AM   #1
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Question Dad isn't!

How do I get my husband the father of my two kids to realize he needs to be part of their life? My daughter is 14 (soft-hearted and easily hurt) and my son is 10 (soft-hearted and but a bit of a prankster) Good kids....but their dad never does anything with them. He doesn't talk to them, play with them, nothing. They both at one time or another have asked me questions a kid usually don't ask about their dads. Like how come dad don't ever talk to me, or dad wont play with me, or I don't think daddy really love us.

He has been in their lives all their lives, but not a part of their lives. He is usually to busy (outside of work) on the computer, watching tv, or just piddling outside in his shed. I know that he needs time to relax doing whatever....but when it effects us as a family, how do I handle this?

 
Old 07-24-2009, 08:26 AM   #2
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Re: Dad isn't!

Hi

This may seem like a dumb question but have you told him he needs to do things with the kids?? You might just need to tell him straight out, " You need to go do this with son, or this with daughter" he needs to make time and you need to tell him what is expected of him, he may think things are just fine like they are....
Sometime men need it spelled out to them..tell him on Sunday morning "you are going for a bike ride with son just round the block, son is looking fwd to it" (dont tell son tell Dad to go ask him)
Maybe there are some piddling projects the kids can help with?
Hes missing out and its a shame

Good luck

 
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Old 07-28-2009, 04:15 PM   #3
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Re: Dad isn't!

Maybe he never had interaction with his dad and just doesn't know how to do it. Try showing him and encouraging a little at a time. Good luck.

 
Old 04-03-2010, 03:07 PM   #4
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Re: Dad isn't!

Maybe there's something else going on. Is he social with other adults? Is it just his children? Do you all go out with friends or family? Is he interested engaging in conversations about things that other people are interested in?

He sounds like me lol (it's not a funny situation though).

What I had to do, which you might want to suggest to him is to engage with his children in things that he is interested in.

For myself, I'm always at the computer, or doing some sort of 'project' or basically just wanting to be left alone. Sometimes you don't realize how anti-social you are until you have children. It was only then that I realized how "to myself" I was.

An introvert if you will.


Recently I pulled out my collection of old 70's and 80's family movies/shows and watched them with my child. It was like common ground for us. If your husband is nostalgic at all, maybe you and him can figure out ways to share them with your children.

As well, we are in counselling because I know there are some things I simply cannot do and I know we need a mediator. Does your husband recognized that his behaviour is having a detrimental affect on his children? If so, how does he rationalize it? It wasn't until I asked myself such questions that I realized that to do anything that was outside of my interests or routines was almost painful which would explain why I seemed so stubborn.

 
Old 04-15-2010, 08:36 PM   #5
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Re: Dad isn't!

Wow, its been almost a year since I posted this...and things are still the same. Only now...I am contemplating divorce, due to the fact that my husband seems uncapable of loving anyone but himself.

I have talked to him about it, and asked him to do simple things with our kids...but it falls on deaf ears. I have become very resentful towards my husband, for contributing to getting our children here, and then leaving all of the parenting to me...and only me. They may as well have no father at all. Im at my witts end! I don't want anyone to hate me for making the wrong decisions, but I am miserable, and my kids need a father figure. Desperate here!

 
Old 04-17-2010, 05:36 PM   #6
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Re: Dad isn't!

Hey ctnc1234
I havent been on these boards for a long while..but still get updates...I just read yours and that is just too bad
Have you considered any counselling? I dunno just a thought...
I guess your kids are quite grown up now, how do thay feel? Have they ever talked to dad?
I am truly sorry things havent got better but I guess you have to use up all ideas before making a such a big decision, you will know in your heart what is right...

Best wishes

 
Old 04-18-2010, 06:07 AM   #7
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Re: Dad isn't!

In my heart...I want us to be happy. Yes my kids are growing up, my Daughter will be 15 in July, my Son will be 11 August. Makes me feel ill that I let this go on for so long. When they were babies...I thought he was just uncomfortable around them, and he would come around when they got older. Well that never happened.

My kids are sad a lot, and not to hip on talking to their Dad, they are afraid of him. He isn't abusive or anything...he just isn't the kind of man you can just talk to...know what I mean? First he is always busy with work...lots and lots of overtime...and when he is home, which isnt much, he has things around here that needs to be done...and those things don't include his kids, or me.

Counceling is a wonderful idea...problem is, he may not go. He's not here much. What really hurts is that with all the overtime he puts in, to a job he can't stand, he does it willingly. I feel like he stays at work because he doesn't want to be here with us. He makes wonderful money without the overtime, and we are not hurting in any way...so it makes no sence to me. When he had a day off, he took that day, and went fishing alone...even though his son has been asking him to take him for the past couple of years. My husbands reply is always, "well I really don't have anywhere to take him". UGH! you have got to be kidding me! When I asked if I could go along, you know to spend time with him, he got upset a little, but said, " I guess." So I said, never mind, I think you need to have time alone. That was that.

Kids summer vacation is coming up and I am thinking of leaving for a week or two, get my thoughts straight, and who knows...maybe he will miss us, but if not, I think getting a divorce is the next step, even though I don't believe in it, or want it. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. This is the only childhood they get.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 07:21 AM   #8
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Re: Dad isn't!

Well, I know this is hard to do, but you need to make the best of the situation. The past is the past, no need for regrets now. Your kids have survived this long and though it's not the best of situations, they have strengths in certain areas of their lives because of his absence. You must pick yourself up and move forward.

Ask yourself what single Moms do. I know this isn't the best situation you're in but at least he provides for you financially, which is more than would happen if you were a single Mom. I'm not making lite of the situation either, I know what it's like to live with someone who is always gone. I have to take on household projects, fix things, do yardwork, clean out the garage, you name it. I used to envy my friends because their husbands were always gone traveling and making lots of money. All I saw was how much they got to shop, get pedicures and go to the spas.

When you asked to go fishing with him, why didn't you go instead of backing down? If you want something, sometimes you have to put in 200%, at least for awhile. Things most likely aren't going to happen unless you make them happen. It sounds like you are waiting for him to make the first move. Maybe you would benefit from reading a few sales books. They tell you how to get what you want from people without them knowing.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 10:04 AM   #9
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Re: Dad isn't!

Your right...I don't even have a job, and he does provide very well for us. If this makes any sence...I hate money and everything he wants, and everything he will do to get it. It has taken presidence over me and my kids.

But...the bigger picture, I do love him, of course the kids love him, he provides well...what am I complaining about. If for no other reason...my kids need to be taken care of, and your right, I cannot do that on my own. So...thank you for making me see that for a little while longer I can deal with feeling unloved, and the kids don't know any different, other than the fact that they want to do things with their Father, and he pushes them away. Maybe I should have a talk with my kids...I don't know.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 03:03 PM   #10
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Re: Dad isn't!

Are you sure he doesn't love you, or does he just not show it? I wouldn't complain about him in front of the kids because then they will take your side and pick up your anger. Let them decide for themselves but don't remind them how he's never there. When my daughter says something about how her Dad is never home, I usually tell her to talk to him about it. I don't agree or disagree unless we are having a conversation about it. My husband and I have gone to counseling about it, but the counselor doesn't seem to think it's a problem??!!! It never gets talked about specifically but the counselor always asks my husband how he feels about me thinking he's never home. I don't get it!

Anyway, I try not to wait around for my husband. I try to do some of the things I enjoy and do things with my kids. I don't worry about how much fun he is having or how much work I am doing, but I try to worry about what I need to get accomplished and what I need to do to make myself feel better and enjoy myself more. Really I feel sad for him because he is the one who is missing out. I also suspect that he has alot of inner healing to do and turns into himself because he was always controlled by others and had alot of responsibilities as a child. He is just now getting his spiritual needs met.

It's true there aren't any jobs out there, but it might be good for you to volunteer or work part time while the kids are at school. It will keep your mind off of what's he's doing.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 05:10 PM   #11
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Re: Dad isn't!

Well my husband has been gone at least 12 hours today (it's Sunday) and when he left this morning he said he was going to be home 6 or 7 hours ago. The thing is, my car broke down and I need to go to the store. He doesn't carry a cell phone. My daughter is so angry she said she is going to rip him a new one when he gets home! She's mad because she needs something at the store for school tomorrow and wants to do something later. Eventually, your kids will probably fight back and tell your husband off like mine do. They don't really want anything to do with him or his family. My daughter gets mad because his family "creeps" on her when she is on her online friendship site. She blocks them and they tattle on her. You are definately not the only one in this situation. Kids learn who's at fault and turn away from people who treat them bad or ignore them.

One day things will change for you, I'm sure.

 
Old 04-19-2010, 05:43 AM   #12
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Re: Dad isn't!

Daffy...Im so sorry you go through this crap.

The problem with my husband...is that not only does he work 12 hour shifts...but he works a lot of 16 hours as well, and it takes close to an hour for him to get to work and another hour to get home. A lot of times he has to get up in the middle of the night (2:30am) to be at work by 4am. so he is gone even longer than the 16 hours worked, it's more like 18 and he has to sleep. He doesn't get home until 9 or 9:30 at night, and the kids are in bed. All this overtime that he works is not mandatory, he chooses it. And like I said we are not hurting for money. I feel like he isn't happy at home. Do you feel that way with your husband? Did your husband want kids? Mine has told me that he wished we would have gotten a dog. He admits to not being father material. It just really upsets me that he can't see how much it hurts his kids. I don't talk about it with them, unless they bring it up first. I try and make their dad out to be a prince. My daughter knows better, she always rolls her eyes at me, and says "yeah right". My son though, just keeps quiet, and when I ask him what's wrong he says his dad is a liar. He said he would take him fishing, hunting, ice skating...and never has. These are all the things my husband does, but doesn't have time for the kids. huh Im not sure if they are seeing that as love. Like me, they don't want his money, they want his precious time.

 
Old 04-19-2010, 08:50 AM   #13
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Re: Dad isn't!

Well, my husband used to be very good with the kids until they stopped doing the sports he coached and when they became teenagers and started being more independent. With what has been going on with our son having problems, I think my husband escapes to help him deal with everything. I have been ignoring him, unfortunately, because of problems that we have been having with our son and our job situations until recently . My situation would probably change if I made plans to spend more time with him, but lately things have been a bit overwhelming.

How was your husband's family's financial situation when he was growing up? That may have an affect on how much he works. Maybe he thinks he needs to "save for a rainy day" in case he loses his job or is unable to work. When the economy gets better, he may let up a little, you think? He seems very unhappy with himself, not necessarily you. I hope you can get him to open up and tell you why he is working so much. Just keep trying.

 
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