I hope that this is the right board to post. Here is a run down of what led to this post. My son and I have always had a close relationship. He had always been respectful to me and loving. But he has dealt with pain and anxiety for several years. It runs in both his dads side and mine. He has had counceling for the anxiety and PT and pain medsand anti-anxiety meds (that he would only take for a few days and then stop). Never long term. He used to be in multiple sports and school clubs and was a staight A student, but has quit all of them and doesn't try to get good grades any more. He made up this ridiculous story last spring that he was taking drugs and I got him 2 very good child psychologists. He tried to convince them that he needed to go to rehab. His drug use did not make sense to them, because he wasn't explaining reactions and use and amounts in a way that was even possible. So we randomly tested him and he was negative. He finally admitted that he made it up, he was dealing with too much anxiety at his school and just wanted out and thought that if he went to residential rehab where they live he wouldn't have to go to that school anymore. I switched him to a different school, and he did better.
I also went through a divorce a year ago. And my son lost the step-dad that he called Dad and Loved (my husband had an affair). My son wanted me to divorce his SD atthe time, until 6 months after the divorce was final, then he decided that he wanted to live with my x ( not his real Dad) instead of me. It has been a year and he still wants to live with his x SD. I moved us 1000 miles away 4 months ago. And my son is not adjusting well, and keeps telling me thathe wants to go live his x SD. His x SD has said no. So that is a quick update w/o going on and on.
Here is the problem... My son is treating me terrible at moments, and nice other times & I don't know if this is normal or not (only child so nothing to compare to). I know all of it is not, but what should I chalk up to teenager and what should I not. Things he is doing...
He pisses all over the bathroom, on the rug, the waste basket, the floor. He won't shut the bathroom door when he is using it. And he won't flush the toilet. He doesn't say thank you most of the time, he just expects me do for him. He cleans up after him self sometimes, but most of the time not. I am a single Mom and he is 17 and he won't help me with anything, mowing, cleaning, cooking, my battery was dead in my car and he wouldn't help me jump it with his truck. I had to do it myself. He won't get up for school unless I get him up. If I don't get him up he doesn't go. he won't even set an alarm. He won't get a job because he says that working is wrong and that society is all screwed up and he shouldn't have to do something that he doesn't want to do to survive. and he says that I get child support and that I wouldn't get that if it wasn't for him. He says rude things in front of me even though I tell him constantly not to. What he does do. He comes home from school and tells me about his day and his classes. He will p/u some stuff sometimes. He walked to the store the other day to buy milk for me. He cleaned the bathroom last night after I got mad about the pee. He says he doesn't do it on purpose. He mowed the lawn for 10 dollars. His idea. Yes he has chores that he gets paid for, but usually he doesn't do them. So I don't give him money. except for school lunch.
He hasn't made any friends here where we moved because of his social anxiety and I have caught him crying and it makes me feel so bad. He tells me that he sits outside by himself during luch because he's too shy to sit at a table. He is on his my space and texting with his friends back home and doesn't go anywhere here at all. So we get on each other'snerves. I also have been laid off from my job that I just moved here for and can't find another one. So I am dealing with that stress too, and would appreciate his help. Any advice would help. Thanks, Lisa
Last edited by stayd2lng4u; 09-28-2009 at 01:06 PM.
I wanted to add some info, so that I don't waste peoples time. The suggestion of taking things away from him or threatening to take things away so that he will mind or behave doesn't work with my son. I have taken all material posessions away from him at different times. Sometimes just his truck, sometimes the computer or xbox or phone and there have been times that I have taken all away at once. This does not bother him. He will just read or watch TV or sleep if all is taken away. He has been like this since he was little. You threaten to take suff away, he just says OK and asks for how long, unlike most kids who will beg you not to take things away. He'll be good until he gets it back, then goes back to doing what he was before. And once I threaten,then I have to follow through, because, I know he won't beg me not to take it away. I get tired of this taking stuff away over and over again to no avail. Thanks
Noticed you have not been replied to.
So sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it must be. I have an 18 y/o daughter who went through rough times in high school her sophomore year. Same as your son, straight A's, sports, extra curricular stuff, then up and nothing. Counseling did wonders for us; but then she wanted to get help. Anxiety, depression were our main issues. She is doing wonderfully now, and is away at college loving it!
I honestly don't know what to say, but if he's not wanting to get help, it's hard to receive it. There has to be an issue that he is keeping inside of him. I'm sure having his step father say he couldn't live with him didn't help matters.
All I can say is be there for him, listen, but be firm. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you. And as for school, he's really hurting himself; does he realize this? You don't need a young man dependent on you for life because he doesn't want to do anything. You need to let him know you will not sit back and support him sitting around all day. That may shake him up and make him think. If it really is mental issues, well, you have a tougher road. To me, is sounds as if he is lashing at you for something.
Thinking of you, and good luck.
Try suggesting that it both of you doing counseling, sometimes we as parents forget that we place some of our stress on our children and react when we see things happening like this, so maybe if he see's that you are saying "hey why don't we both try counseling", maybe he will consider it. Even though you would be doing it mostly for him, it might help him come around again.
Have you talked w/ the school at all? Out of curiosity, why did you move him away from his friends, because of the break up? or because of work?
He sounds like he is a depressed child. Probably no one knows the reason, maybe not even him. But he should speak to a therapist and maybe start some meds. Sometimes that is an awful age to be due to the pressure that we as adults think is nothing. But as teens, the pressure is too much. Good luck and for his and sakes, I hope he starts to feel better.
Sorry to hear,it must be very difficult.
I'm afraid the move makes him sad,far from his friends,no friends in the new place and too shy to get know with them
I think you'd better talk with him,ask him why he did those things,tell him he is not alone,at least,you're at his side,he can share his sadness with you.But don't do everything for him.You can ask him do housework with you,but not order him to do,invite him,my mom used to invite me doing housework when i was teenage,it was really happy to do housework together,especially when you clean something