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Old 01-20-2010, 03:09 PM   #1
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Angry Problems with future step-kids

Any ideas on how to deal with stepkids who have made it clear they would rather you not be in their lives?

Last edited by AriannasMom; 01-21-2010 at 10:21 AM.

 
Old 01-22-2010, 12:10 PM   #2
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

How old are they?

 
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:17 AM   #3
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

I've gone through this both as a stepmother and with my own children treating my new husband poorly. They will do anything possible to split you up, including outright lies and subversion. Your partner needs to make it very clear to his children that you are his mate for life and that they need to treat you with respect whether or not they like you. If your partner cannot do that and follow up with consequences for the children, then it'll be a long hard road.

 
Old 02-10-2010, 12:51 PM   #4
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

His kids are 9, 11 & 12. My daughter is 5. I don't have any problems for the most part with his son (the 12 y/o). His daughters on the other hand are about to drive me away. He has told them many times they need to at least be decent to me, but they still aren't. His response "what do you want me to do, beat them, then they won't like you even more!" Which is true, but I do have a problem with no consequences when they are disrespectful. I am supposed to be the "step-mom" who cleans everything with NO help. I do all the cooking and have to do 100 different things to help THEM! I wouldn't mind at all, but they have made it very clear it is my family and their family living together. They don't want us to go anywhere together, and if we do, they ruin it for everyone, so my daughter and I sit home while they repeatedly go out of town to have a "fun time". I can't sleep, don't want to eat, and feel like I have to tip-toe around our house. Anything from simply asking them what they did in school or asking them not to leave the roll of toilet paper on the floor sparks dirty looks, smart comments or flat out tantrums. I love my boyfriend so much, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but not his kids if they continue to make it crystal clear that we aren't welcome. I am involved and help with all their activities, have tried to ignore their behavior, laugh it off, talk to them like adults and just cry. Is there anything else I can try or should I just cut my losses, break my own heart and walk away?

 
Old 02-10-2010, 12:53 PM   #5
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

Also, my daugher isn't allowed to display any bad behavior without consequences. And the girls feel the have a right to tell her what to do and punish her (which i always intercept), yet simply asking them to put garbage in the garbage is way out of line for me.

 
Old 02-11-2010, 06:25 AM   #6
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

I'd RUN, not WALK away from the situation. What a terrible arangement for you, and more importantly, your daughter. It's unlikely things will improve if you've gotten so little support so far.

Good luck!

 
Old 02-11-2010, 08:10 AM   #7
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

This is wrong! You and your daughter need to get back to your own lives. You will get over it, she won't. Be HER hero...You are all she has, and she does not deserves to be put on the back burner while you try to work things out with another mans children, at her expense. Can you imaging the resentment that is growing inside here everyday of her life? Can yuo imaging how small she must feel, while being pushed around by 3 older kids, right in her own home?

The walking on eggshells scenario is very unhealthy, and you and your daughter have to get out of there.

 
Old 02-11-2010, 02:15 PM   #8
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

The best thing for you to do is get out and away from your boyfriend and his children. There are plenty of other fish in the pond, you do not need to settle for this.

Your daughter deserves better and so do you.

Sounds like your boyfriend only wants a maid.

 
Old 02-18-2010, 11:46 AM   #9
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

I've been married to a man with three children for 30 years. It's been MURDER. At best, today there is a strain amongst us. Never any true friendlyness, just pretenciousness. Even though the oldest is in her 40s and as much as I adore my husband, I would not do this again.

 
Old 02-24-2010, 08:48 AM   #10
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

Your situation is wrong on so many levels. Please listen to everyone who has responded - it is often difficult to see the truth when one is in the middle of a situation.

Your boyfriend (thank goodness it's just a boyfriend) goes on vacation with his children and leaves you at home? You do all the work and are basically treated like a maid in a home where no one likes you? And you're subjecting your child to this? Get out!

I've been there. I got out when my older daughter said to me one day, "Mom, you always told us that there are people we shouldn't hang out with. Now they're living with us."

 
Old 02-28-2010, 11:46 AM   #11
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

Two things you can either walk away because it will be a long road before you adjust that situation. I have a step son who 14 years old and have been around him since he was 2 years old and it has never gotten better. I thought it would get better but it never did. His mother works against us. We (my husband and I) have done so much but the mother doesn't want to cooperate at all. She has full custody and when he was 13 years old he got suspended from school and just getting into alot of trouble. The mother was never around, she worked - so we agreed to take him this year and go to our school district. He made honor roll for the first time in his life. The only problem is that he has caused so many fights between me and my husband that we almost broke up so he is going home next year. I have been married for 10 years and it is always a issue so it is always hard.

The other option you have is to be firm with them and say "This is my house and you obey my rules" It will be hard to get them to agree but I put my stepson to work whether he likes it or not.

 
Old 02-28-2010, 11:49 AM   #12
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmVan View Post
I've been married to a man with three children for 30 years. It's been MURDER. At best, today there is a strain amongst us. Never any true friendlyness, just pretenciousness. Even though the oldest is in her 40s and as much as I adore my husband, I would not do this again.
Your absolutely correct and I will never do it again. If something happens to my husband and I decide to remarry - I am running fast if that person has kids and running very fast.

 
Old 07-17-2011, 04:19 AM   #13
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

If I were you, I'd cut my losses and get out before your life and your daughters life gets any worse. Your husband is not ging to be supportive. Sounds to me like you are a convenient "free" maid for him and his kids, plus he gets to, (or will get to) sleep with the maid - lucky him.

When my husband and I first got together, his 2 girls, ages 11 and 10 at that time, (now 13 and 11), were BRATS. Their mom had died and he had spoiled them rotten because of their sadness. He did notdo them any favors by spoiling them. The 13 year old was lying, stealing, cheating, the 11 year old was throqing tantrums, screaming and stomping her feet and yelling at her father to get her way. They had no set bed time, they were just out of control in all ways and he was their servant. They did not help out with anything and he was overwhelmed and alone.

I immediatedly began addressing it all. I told him they were spoiled and explained to him how I saw them manipulate him and be all sweet when they wanted something, then treat him like he was trash at other times.

I caught his 13 year old stealing 15 dollars from his wallet and she admitted she had been doing it for about 2 years. Her grades were poor, she didn't do her homework. She was stealing things from me too.

The 11 year old would scream at her father and told him if he wasn't nice to her she woudl put him in a nursing home when he got old. When we first met, she would throw a fit if we even "dared" to go to Home Depot without taking her.

We sat down and had a long talk with them. I told them what I observed going on and that it was stopping TODAY. I talked to them about consequences for actions, accountablity, who is the parent, who is the xchild, who is the boss, who is not. I set up boundaries, rules, consequnces for actions. I wrote up a list of rules and taped them on the fridge.

At first, they both resisted, but little by little, they saw that when they broke the rules, they were punished. And you have to be consistent about that. If they broked a rule but were contrite and sincerely forgot, they werr given a second chance of course. But at first, there was still lying and sneaking and tantrums. Punishements were (and are) for example: no TV or wii or whatever for 2 days. Or had to write something 75 times (Like for example, I will not lie about not doing my homework). Or, they could not go to their friends house. I beghan giving them little chores to do daily. They are old enough. Each day, they do a little something to help out (there father was running himself ragged trying to care for them, the house, work, cook, laundry, while they sat and made messes, tore up the house and threw their clean laundry back in to the hamper rather than put it away in their dressers). I tell them, ok today, you sweep the front porch, and dust the furniture in the lving room. You (the other child) sweep the TV room and the kitchen. We all take turns doing the dinner dishes at night on a rotation, sometimes me, sometimes dad, or one of the girls do them. I taught them how to wash, dry, fold, put away their own laundry. Now they do their own and you can imagine they no longer throw their clean laundry back in the hamper. I taught them how to clean, how to do a little supervised cooking for themselves, which they actually enjoy (like for example, scrambled eggs). I taught them how to make their own lunches, their dad was even doing that for them. BOTH girls went from failing to Honor Roll at school. And people hav commented to me how happy they both seem.

It took time, but these girls are TRANSFORMED. I told them, you don't have to love me, or even love your dad, but you will obey us and you will be respectful. They are not allowed to talk back and scream at us like so many parents these day allow. I can honestly say that nowadays, one we got through the adjustment period, they are MUCH happier little girls. They are happy. They don't like chores of course, but they are happy. Children NEED someone to take charge, give them boundaries and rules and structure. Their lives feel "normal" now, I suspect.... BEFORE, life was chaotic and angry and their dad was overhwhelmed and I think the girls even felt guilty for their own behavior and for throwing fits and stealign and lying and treating their dad like crap. I think they feel good about themselves now and they feel like we are a normal family. It's not perfect - I myself posted in here recently how I find myself resenting the girls because my own biological kids are 26 and 30 and now I find myself raising 2 more kids.... But I do genuinely feel I have raly helped these girls. I call it "tough love." They know they are loved, but we are the prents, we are the boss...

Now, I had to have complete cooperation from their dad for this and I have it. The 2 parents have to show a united front and back each other up. If you don't agree about some parenting decision, you discuss it later, when the kids can not hear you. That was something I made very clear to the girls too - Iyou will NOT pit your dad and I against each other. You will NOT go ask dad after I said no to see if you can get him to say yes. He tells them, if Gina said no, it's no - do not even come and ask me.

But it sounds to me like your spouse it not willing to do those things and that you are a free, unpaid babysitter, cook, maid for him and his kids - how convenenient for him, and for them. If he loves you, he must do as my husband and I did above, otherwise you will be an unappreciated, abused servant for him and his kids and you'll end up hating him and them, plus your daughte is being abused by his kids.

God bless and good luck

Last edited by sleeprpsgt; 07-17-2011 at 10:03 AM.

 
Old 07-17-2011, 08:15 PM   #14
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Re: Problems with future step-kids

okay, i have a lot of friends who have step parents and some suck as parents and some are way better than their biological ones.... no matter what the outcome became, it's still rough being the new parent to kids that don't belong to you. I grew up in a military household where if you were disrespectful you WERE beaten. If your boyfriend is saying that they will hate you more because they got spanked, I'd say to give me the belt then.
Don't get me wrong, love kids to death but some kids need to understand what is right and wrong. Id go with the punishment, but if it's as bad as Im thinking it is, no tv isnt going to cut is as bad as manual labor. Ya it sounds abusive, but you know what when I had to haul cattle for a whole week on top of my regular farm jobs I sure didn't pull that stunt again. You can't be wishy washy with kids who think they rule the roost, if that kid talked to my baby (your five year old) the way she seems too I would've slapped her straight on the rear and said you pick on someone your own size and then see if you win. I used to do that with the eldest daughter of a family I nannied for (I didn't spank her, but I did use the saying often) anything she did to the baby I would do to her. I said if she didn't like it then she better not do it again. It took a few tries, but I also showed the baby that she can stand up for herself. I think your daughter could use that.....

Honestly, it baffles me really, usually the oldest is against the new person the most. I don't know if its because he is okay with you or simply he doesnt feel threatened but obviously the girls feel that way about you and you need to find a way to either feel dominate or to coexist with them peacefully with the help of the boyfriend. You need to show your boyfriend youre serious and if he can't respect that then he didn't love you anyways. If all else fails, like everyone says you need to save your baby and walk away.

 
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