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Old 02-19-2010, 06:11 AM   #1
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Son won't get out of bed

I have posted to the relationship board but the fact that I am unemployed seems to make people very angry because I am getting unemployment without having to work. I have been sending out resumes and get offers for jobs that pay commission only. I won't be able to draw unemployment if I take a commissioned job, and nothing is selling right now. I have sent out hundreds of resumes, but no luck.
There have been many issues in my life. The main one I'm struggling with right now is that my 17 year old son has less than 3 months left of school and he seems to have just given up. It saddens me and my husband so much, we are just numb and can't seem to move on. He is so close to graduating, but will not get out of bed in the mornings. We have taken everything away and disciplined him, been to counseling ourselves but he will not go and he will not talk about his problems at all.
I have been given all kinds of advice from family that we need to make things harder for him so he will get up and go and stop playing games with us. My husband believes he is just being made a fool of and can't seem to get over how his pride has been hurt. It is such a dishonor to him, he doesn't even speak to me anymore. I can't talk to anyone anymore because they say it is my fault. (I'm unemployed and have allowed him to stay in bed). But I can't get my 6 foot 3 inch son out of bed in the mornings and get him to school.

 
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:19 AM   #2
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

The reason I mentioned my son's height was to let you know that he is not someone I can just physically drag out of bed and take to school.
He seems to have a plan inside his head, but won't share it with anyone. Then I worry that maybe he doesn't have a plan. Towards the beginning of the school year he had started planning to go the our state University, about 2 hours away, they got his application but he never got his transcript sent. I questioned him about this and he said he didn't know what he wanted to be or what he wanted to major in.
He has a late birthday and will still be 17 when he graduates, he has always seemed a couple of years behind everyone else in his class. He finally got his driving permit but hasn't asked to go out and drive. I get tired of nagging him about things and can't for the life of me, motivate him. It's frustrating me so much that I can't move on with my own life and go out and try my hardest to get a job. My husband feels the same way. We feel like we need to be there for him in case he needs us. I am frightened that he will still be living at home when he is 30 and we won't be able to get him out of the house. One day I would like to live alone with my husband, so we can grow our own relationship, but it doesn't seem like it will go as planned. So we've put our jobs on hold, our relationship on hold, can't move forward because we are waiting for him to make a move in some direction! I don't know what to do.

 
Old 03-15-2010, 07:37 AM   #3
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

I have recently been diagnosed with Thyroid disease. Although my son is very thin and has never had a weight problem, could his behavior be a sign of Thyroid Disease? I have taken him to the doctor we previously had, (the one who refused to test my Thyroid), and he just asked a few questions and didn't do any tests. He said that my son looked normal. Well, he doesn't act normal! Someone else I'm close to said that this is normal teen behavior and there's nothing wrong with him. I guess I have been believing them, because I tend to trust other people's opinions more than my own, and because of my own illness and ignorance. I feel very guilty, especially when it's reinforced by comments about how I haven't done anything about it and it is my bad parenting. I'm not trying to make excuses, but realizing that things aren't going to get better but I don't know where to go.
At this point, looks like he is not going to be able to graduate. He has a problem reading and can't get his homework started even though he will have his book on his lap for hours. Everything distracts him or he falls asleep.

 
Old 03-17-2010, 10:31 PM   #4
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

Hi,
I am not a parent but I am recovering from 6 years of having an eating disorder (anorexia) and your son's behavior sounds a lot like me!!

He doesn't want to get out of bed -Could it be lack of nutrition?

He's isolated and afraid to try new things-driving, making plans, growing up.
People with this disorder isolate/withdraw and it becomes progressive.


Being afraid to grow up and become independent is REALLY common in people with eating disorders and most develop this disorder in late teens or in the first couple of years of college when it's time to separate from parents.

He's distracted, is tired and can't focus-again that could be because of lack of nutrition.


For him, it probably might not be about weight. When you don't eat, you start to feel numb on the inside and the feeling is really addicting because all of your problems get blocked away-it's kinda of like a drug.

I don't mean to worry you but try observing him during meal time and afterwards -maybe, if he likes to eat certain foods -try to change it up and see how he reacts. I really hope it's not this-keep posting.

 
Old 03-17-2010, 11:13 PM   #5
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

I guess i have to say who cares if he isn't going to graduate this year...you said it yourself he is slower than other kids his age and I don't know if you have ever taken him to a child psychologist but that is where he should go to find out what is going on. Since medically the doctor seems to think he is ok. But if this not a so good doctor didn't do some kind of blood workup then I would take him for a complete physical first. Perhaps your son just feels he too far behind and he just can't catch up. Also I am not understanding why are you putting both of your husbands and your life and relationship? on hold because your son is somehow holding you back??? We never put our life on hold because of a child....you just do what you need to do...certainly there is plenty of love to go around I would hope. Your son needs some kindness and understanding and he is part of your going forward in your life. Why would he hold you back I mean he is your child and he seems lost. I totally get that you and husband are at your wits end with this boy...I raised 5 kids but your son didn't get this way overnight so what have you been doing other than nagging at him?(as you have discovered it doesn't help in any way)...how much help have you gotten for him over the years...some tutoring? If he can't do school then so be it...take him for testing and see where he is mentally. If he is still with you for a year or more because he is slow well then that's what will have to happen...you need to find out where his head is first...he is too young mentally to be on his own yet anyway. I'm sorry he won't get out of bed but can you just imagine what he must be feeling or thinking. I would do some serious mental health counseling before you find him hanging from somewhere because of depression or whatever is going on because this is not typical behavior for a child about to graduate. Good luck.

 
Old 03-18-2010, 10:58 AM   #6
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

Thank you all for replying. He has been coming straight home after school and sleeping. Last night he didn't even get up to eat and we ordered Pizza that we don't have that often.

As far as the eating disorder, he has never cared about eating. I worry and try to get him to eat salads, green vegetables and he ends up eating cereal way too often. He ends up sleeping through dinner lately and then not eating his dinner that has been put in the fridge. He always eats alot of dairy, almost a gallon of milk a day and alot of cottage cheese. When he was a baby, he would spit up alot and I put him on soy formula (the doctor said to), but he didn't say why. Now that I think about it, maybe there was a milk allergy? He started working out alot since last summer and until recently and been eating rice cakes and natural peanut butter and very concerned about eating low fat. He drinks nothing but milk and green tea and water. He goes to extreme on sports and will go on 20 - 30 mile bike rides daily in the summer.
He was active in sports and always had very low body fat. I think in 4th grade he had 7% body fat , but he has always been very active. Maybe he does need vitamins and better nutrition besides protein. I have just been diagnosed with Hypothyrodism and am trying to do alot of juicing and watching what I eat. So maybe I can get him to juice. I thought maybe he had hyperthyroidism because of his low weight for his height.

We have a plan now with his teachers to get him caught up so that he can graduate. He had a high ACT score of 30, and is very capable of doing it, he just gets very bored in school. He has a lot of friends his teachers say, but that hasn't been enough to keep him going to class consistently.

Anyway, I do have an appointment scheduled for him but the doctor couldn't get him in until the end of April. My husband is just about to start a new job, so we will have better insurance but it will be a few months. In the meantime, I think I will be getting some new vitamins besides the creatine and weight lifting protein he takes and see that he gets his fruits and vegetables.

 
Old 03-18-2010, 11:19 AM   #7
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

I am sorry that you feel pressure about being unemployed...it is happening all around us, and is not such a horrible thing, just a sign of the times.

About your son...It is terrible that he is lacking the drive to get himself to school, with so little time before graduation. Is he passing all of his classes? At 17, young people have very strong convictions about everything, even things they are not mature enough to make decisions about.

Did you say that your husband won't talk to you, because he is so disappointed in your son...OR did you say he wont speak to your son? Either way, breaking communication down to zero is not the answer- in fact this is a time when you all need to pull together as a family and give your son the support and guidance he desperately needs. Your sons future rides on getting his diploma, and working towards his future life as an independent man.

What is your son doing in his free time? Does he use drugs or alcohol? What time is he going to bed? I would throw out all the judgment and shame, and have a warm and loving talk with your son. Is her possibly suffering from depression? When was his last checkup with the doctor? Whatever your son is going through, it is hurting him and he needs you and your husbands help.

Rather than giving up, it is time to dig in and help your son. Feeling as though he is the source of shame for his own father must be terribly hurtful. There is a good chance that he is depressed, and needs some professional help.

 
Old 03-18-2010, 11:31 AM   #8
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

Hello, I'm sorry to hear of your relationship and employment difficulties this must be having a big impact on family life. I can't understand people getting angry with you it is not your fault that you cannot find a job. We have just been through the worst recession in 60 years lots and lots of people can't find jobs. It sounds as if your son has issues in his life that he feels he can't talk about, it also sounds like he is depressed. Is there any one your son feels comfortable talking to in your community or at school. I think if he can find someone to talk to that he relates to and knows can be objective it might help.

 
Old 03-20-2010, 12:38 PM   #9
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

My husband is talking to me now, but it's been very hard. We are going to counseling but my son won't go. He has had some very bad experiences jumping from one doctor to another, in and out of different counselors, all of them say something different or have a different approach. I also am starting to feel the same way. I don't have much respect for medical doctors these days because they seem to be greedy or working for the Pharmaceutical companies. They are not open at all to alternative healing. And their solution to everything is "take a pill for it". I'm very limited on who we can go to right now because of our lack of insurance. I tend to turn to Chiropractors because they don't charge near as much, and they seem to be more helpful.
I'm also doubtful of Psychologists because they all say something different, and my guess seems to be as good as theirs. At least I have Mother's intuition, they don't. My problem is what I think would be the right move, everyone jumps on it and says "you are wrong". My thinking is that he wants to be independent and has too many people trying to control him. Everyone else says he needs tough love. I cannot get on the same page about this with my husband and his family. I can go along with it, but I've stifled my thoughts and actions about it for so long and their approach just hasn't been working.
I actually can relate to him because I have so many "bosses" in our families, that I have stopped telling them things because I want to "grow up" on my own. But my husband doesn't seem to be able to keep his mouth shut. They get so involved in everything and I feel constantly micro-managed. I want so bad to make my own decisions but feel I have to sneak around to do what I want, and I think that is how my son feels. I don't know, maybe he's getting that from me.

 
Old 03-21-2010, 04:23 AM   #10
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

Quote:
Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
My husband is talking to me now, but it's been very hard. We are going to counseling but my son won't go. He has had some very bad experiences jumping from one doctor to another, in and out of different counselors, all of them say something different or have a different approach. I also am starting to feel the same way. I don't have much respect for medical doctors these days because they seem to be greedy or working for the Pharmaceutical companies. They are not open at all to alternative healing. And their solution to everything is "take a pill for it". I'm very limited on who we can go to right now because of our lack of insurance. I tend to turn to Chiropractors because they don't charge near as much, and they seem to be more helpful.
I'm also doubtful of Psychologists because they all say something different, and my guess seems to be as good as theirs. At least I have Mother's intuition, they don't. My problem is what I think would be the right move, everyone jumps on it and says "you are wrong". My thinking is that he wants to be independent and has too many people trying to control him. Everyone else says he needs tough love. I cannot get on the same page about this with my husband and his family. I can go along with it, but I've stifled my thoughts and actions about it for so long and their approach just hasn't been working.
I actually can relate to him because I have so many "bosses" in our families, that I have stopped telling them things because I want to "grow up" on my own. But my husband doesn't seem to be able to keep his mouth shut. They get so involved in everything and I feel constantly micro-managed. I want so bad to make my own decisions but feel I have to sneak around to do what I want, and I think that is how my son feels. I don't know, maybe he's getting that from me.
Hi goingdaffy

I'm a bit confused, I don't understand why a chiro who manipulates bones would be helpful in your son's situation. It sounds from your post as if your husband and his family have very firm views on how your family is run and that you are too intimadated to firmly express your views. Your husband seems to have used not talking to you as a punishment or am I not understanding this properly. Children as they grow up learning from their parents how to interact with other people and if withdrawal of communication is what your son has witnessed then he is going to use the same method. He sees how you react to your husband and his family and how they interact with you and your husbands relationship and has learnt this lesson. No body and especially a teenager wants to be micro managed and maybe this is your sons way of rebelling in the only way he knows how from watching the adults in his life. I think in order to help your son you and your husband have to admit you two have a problem and get help to sort out your issues, and be honest and open with your son about the way things have gone on in the past and what you the adults are going to do to make things right. If he sees you are both commited it might help him reaccess his own behaviour and how he can change to achieve the end results that he wants in a more positive, healthy way.

I really hope this helps, take a few steps back and look at this as objectively as you can with your husband and negociate between you a way forward that you can both commit to and provide your son with a united front that is fair, consistent, open and honest and stick to it.

good luck

tiffin

 
Old 03-21-2010, 09:16 AM   #11
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

Thank you. I agree that my behavior and intimidation of my husband and his family has not been right. Unfortunately, now that I'm trying to change and speak up about my beliefs, it's causing alot of conflict. I literally get ill after my husband and I have a counseling session. I'm sure it will get better, but will take some time.

Chiropractors do alot more than adjust bones. I had one tell me about 10 years ago that I had a Thyroid problem and I went to my doctor, and he said I didn't, that my TSH was 4.8. I recently got tested by a new doctor, and sure enough, I was Hypothyroidism. The Chiropractor hadn't even done a blood test or hair analysis. Anyway, I'm not trying to defend Chiropractors, they seem to listen more to me, but that's another issue.

Our psychologists keeps saying that we need to get on the same page and agree on how to raise our son. The problem is, I have to give in to something I don't feel is right, if we are to be on the same page. My husband will not, will not budge. He believes in strong discipline because that's the way he was raised. When we feels threatened about his beliefs, he calls in his family to reinforce his way of thinking. I feel like one small person taking on a whole family of Goliaths. I have no option but to retreat and not voice my opionion unless I want a war.

 
Old 03-21-2010, 11:54 AM   #12
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

This sounds like a very difficult and unhealthy environment for both you and your son. My first thought is for you to scoop up your son and get away from the harsh controlling husband and family. Of course, that is much easier said than done.

It sounds like your son is just retreating emotionally from his life due to the overbearing rules and orders. When nothing you do is right, why do anything? Poor child.

If I were you, I would spend as much time as you can with your son, showing him your love and support...(one nice thing about not working right now). It doesn't sound like the husband is big on change, but you seem very willing to do what is right by your son.

I am a single parent of a 15 year old, and a 25 year old son. With both of my children I set the tone of the house, and that was one of music, laughter and fun....lots of love. I never raised my voice at my kids, and do many things that are not the "norm". I have had relationships with men who have much stricter, severe styles of dealing with kids, and they were out the door the second I got the first whiff of that crap. I have been told I should say no to my kids, just for the sake of it...WHY? I say no when the answer is no, but not too often. I love being the one person in this world that they can always count on. I could not stand to let anyone treat my children harshly, it's just not good for the delicate ego, the development of a life long relationship, the feeling of security and warmth.

I think you are going to be the one to be his hero, and you can do it. Given some time to gain your sons trust back without the constant badgering is the trick. it sounds like both of you can grow together to design your own lifestyle. It never too late. What to do with the husband? I don't know.

Are there other children?

 
Old 03-22-2010, 06:11 AM   #13
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

Quote:
Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
Thank you. I agree that my behavior and intimidation of my husband and his family has not been right. Unfortunately, now that I'm trying to change and speak up about my beliefs, it's causing alot of conflict. I literally get ill after my husband and I have a counseling session. I'm sure it will get better, but will take some time.

Chiropractors do alot more than adjust bones. I had one tell me about 10 years ago that I had a Thyroid problem and I went to my doctor, and he said I didn't, that my TSH was 4.8. I recently got tested by a new doctor, and sure enough, I was Hypothyroidism. The Chiropractor hadn't even done a blood test or hair analysis. Anyway, I'm not trying to defend Chiropractors, they seem to listen more to me, but that's another issue.

Our psychologists keeps saying that we need to get on the same page and agree on how to raise our son. The problem is, I have to give in to something I don't feel is right, if we are to be on the same page. My husband will not, will not budge. He believes in strong discipline because that's the way he was raised. When we feels threatened about his beliefs, he calls in his family to reinforce his way of thinking. I feel like one small person taking on a whole family of Goliaths. I have no option but to retreat and not voice my opionion unless I want a war.
I am glad that you are trying councelling with your husband, however it might not work. It sounds as if your husbands treatment of you and your children is how his family treated him and still do. He is still being controlled, and his family are controlling you and your children through him. This is always difficult when there is more than 2 people in a marriage. You don't mention your family? You need help and support to stand up for your self and your kids and to stop being bullied. Do not do anything you feel is wrong, I know this is really hard but you are your childrens best defense. Is the interference and controlling push that your husband and his family have cultural? In parts of Asia and the sub continent it is common for a wife to move in with her husbands family and basically take what ever they throw at her. If it is not cultural, then have you thought about moving away from his family and closer to yours if you have one.

regards

Tiffin

 
Old 03-24-2010, 06:21 AM   #14
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

My parents are deceased. We did move a couple of hours away from his family several years ago, but see them at holidays and weekends often during the summer at a family Lakehouse. There isn't any cultural differences, both our families have lived in America since 1600s.
It is very hard to communicate every day about every little thing: our feelings, expectations, etc. but I think that has to be done at least for a while, because we have neglected each other in a way, for so long. We have all fallen into a trap of doing our own things and going our separate ways and it's hard to get back together and do something as a family that we can all agree on. The teenagers (we also have a daughter) don't seem to want to do things with us anyway, and we are all very independent. (It doesn't help that we are all Aquarius).

 
Old 03-24-2010, 08:26 AM   #15
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Re: Son won't get out of bed

That sounds like a good plan, but I have to admit...I still have concerns about your son's choice to stay in bed. Very typical of severe depression. The scary part, (and not to scare you, but it is reality), that suicide is often the choice among severely depressed. It is nothing to mess around with. While I understand that financial and personal choice to avoid Doctors is yours, this could lead to a lifetime of despair for your son.

Children are most affected by extremes in parenting, the way too harsh, and the way to lenient.

 
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