Please note - I originally posted this on the "Depression" board because I am currently fighting a major depression, however I then noticed the parenting board and thought I might get some added insight.......
First of all, thanks to all who have been reading and replying to my overly frequent posts.......just know that you have been helping me deal with this current depression more than I can say - you are truly lifesavers. I have an issue happening with my almost 20 year old son, and I would love your input. I have an older daughter who is a university graduate, and lives with her fiance - she is fiercely independent, ambitious, and a hard worker. My son, on the other hand, lives with me and is still plugging away at graduating from highschool; he is very intelligent but also very lazy, especially when doing something that he doesn't enjoy (school). He supposedly works part-time with his Dad (a contractor) after school, but only goes when he feels like it, which is maybe once per week. Here is the picture: I have been totally supporting my son for the past 2 years (since the divorce).....paying $900.00 per month for rent, in addition to cable TV, internet, long distance phone bills, groceries, as well as his monthly car insurance payment. ($350.00) He, in turn, occasionally does some dishes, and does his own laundry when he has nothing left to wear. I have been feeling extremely guilty about my plans to move 250 miles away to be with my fiance (my son will move back with his Dad, who has a 5 bedroom home on 3 acres, in the country), and feel as though I am abandoning my child. My doctor has now put me off on a medical leave (likely 1-2 months) due to this severe depression, and my insurance benefits will not cover all of the bills. I approached my son about taking over his car insurance payments....he basically said that it was up to me to do what I had to do, and that if his car wasn't insured, so be it. But he is of the mind that - he is my child and I should be looking after him. I just spoke with the insurance agent and told her that I would no longer be responsible for the payments. As much as I love my son, he has been a huge financial drain on me (I don't get child support and my ex doesn't offer) for the past 2 years. Have I done the right thing? I must also tell you that he smokes pot several times per week.....his girlfriend spends every weekend here at my apartment.....he brought a new kitten home and I have been paying all the vet bills, cleaning the litter, buying the cat food.......I know that I have enabled him to become so lazy and unmotivated, but I need to get past the guilt.
I actually have been preparing my son for the "insurance takeover" for the past week or so. We spoke when he came home from school for lunch, and I told him that he needed to see the insurance agent today to discuss his payment options. His solution right now is to "park the car" and do without. It's funny how the same parents can raise 2 children who end up at opposite ends of the spectrum. As for his pot-smoking; I think that he likely has some level of depression - both my kids seem to have a slump in the Autumn. I think he is self-medicating and I told him so; I let him know that there is no shame in going for help, and that it is an option for him. I feel a bit lighter, having dealt with the insurance thing.
Let your son park the car and see how long the walking or depending on others to drive him around lasts. As for school and work. Give him two options either he hits the books and gets out of high school or he gets his butt out and works. You said he is 20 and still trying to graduate from high school. My question is how did he fall so far behind in the first place. Also regarding chores and work.........what chores is he supposed to do at the house. You are the head of the househould and need to tell him that while he is living under your roof he will do this and that chore every day etc. It sounds like chores were not enforced when he was younger. Since he has such a low drive compared to his sister then he is the one who needs more rules to get him to learn to manage his time better. Also since HS is taking so long is there any possibility that he might have ADD making it harder for him? Set up some rules right now as to what is and isn't allowed in your home while he lives there. As for his skipping work..............why has he been allowed to skip work? First off his father whom he works for should be enforcing the fact that he needs to be at work every day and if he is not there he should be letting him know that this will not be tolerated. Does he allow his other employees to just show up only when they want to?? I would think not. You mention being on medical leave right now so you should be able to tell your son in no uncertain terms that you expect him to either be at work when he is supposed to or he needs to be home and not goofing off with friends. If this is supposed to be a job it needs to be treated seriously like one. By allowing him to not go to work yet he is probably out with friends or doing whatever that only gives him the message that it is ok to skip work if he feels like it. The time is long overdue so sit down and work out a plan with your son then stick to it. In the end he will appreciate you much more than if you had just let him continue to waste away his time and energy. Good Luck.
Don't feel guilty. You're not the only parent. There comes a point in all our lives where we have to make the hard choices about letting our children be adults. It's harder with unmotivated children. He'll do just fine with the Dad. Maybe Dad can motivate him to get off his butt.
You're right in that you let it occur but just because you did that, don't beat yourself up about it. Times change and things change and so can you. He might not like the "new and motivated" Mom because it will mean to him that you're no longer carrying the ball that he should carry. That's just too bad for him. He might try to make you feel guilty but try not to. You sound like a wonderfully caring person so you did good.
See he wants to do whatever he wants with no consequences. To achieve this he has to use guilt on you because it's always worked before. Don't cave. Be strong. You can do it. Try to make a life for yourself that includes loving him but also includes letting him fail and deal with reality. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad Mom. It makes you a good one.
Hope everything works out for you. Go live your life. Be happy and take care of yourself.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, and I think I will actually print this out so that I can refer to what you've both written. I'm not sure what has caused me to spoil my son so badly, other than his Dad always seemed to prefer our daughter, from the moment of birth (he wanted another girl). His Dad was always very hard on him, and never failed to let him know that he was a disappointment; if he played a hockey game, he never played well enough; no matter what he did, it was never good enough. So I started to overcompensate. He has actually told our son that he will never amount to anything, that he is/was/always will be a loser. I've gone way overboard in trying to make up for this. We have had some counselling and he (at the age of 17) was diagnosed with ADHD, although he was also identified as gifted. He can spend literally HOURS composing music - he wants to be a music producer - to the neglect of everything else around him. When involved in something he loves, he focuses 100%. He has wonderful plans, but little follow through, and has been this way his entire life. I want to help him develop and maintain his self-esteem, but have done him harm in the process. And you're right - his Dad should be insisting that he shows up for work regularly. I can ask him, again and again, to do something simple like take the trash out, and unless he does it IMMEDIATELY, it is forgotten. Even if I place the trash bag in front of the door, I have seen him set it aside and leave. It does not seem to be to intentionally defy me. Deep down, I am terrified for him - and I guess I'm thinking, "He can't look after himself, so I have to do it for him." I envision him out on the streets....when he has SO MUCH potential. He is very warm and affectionate with me, never fails to tell me that he loves me and appreciates what I have done for him - but he just doesn't "get it." Life, in general. He will be graduating high school next spring, Thank God - and the reason he is so behind is that he decided to drop out 2 years ago (after his Dad and I split up). He was out for one year, and decided that manual labour wasn't his cup of tea. I love him with all my heart, but he has caused me a lot of grief since he became a teen.
The Following User Says Thank You to scrappymum For This Useful Post: MTLGLOBAL (09-29-2011)
I have 5 children, 21, 17, 14, 8 and 6. They are all different. My 17 year old son is the one that I worry about. His grades are from A's to F's. He doesn't do drugs, but he is very unmotivated generally. He failed drivers ed. twice! It is frustrating...
However, it is his life. Not mine. I think that he may have to use his body to earn a living for a while before realizing that he wants to get a college degree so he can use his mind. He has one more year of highschool and then his choices will be 1. get a job and pay rent to us. 2. Move out. 3. Attend college and maintain a 2.5 or better (We'll pay). We would never consider paying $350 a month for his insurance...but we will let him use one of our cars as long as he is being generally responsible and pays for his own gas...
I am sure that it will be very difficult to tell him to get a job or move out...but it is something that I am prepared to do. Also, IT WILL NOT BE A SURPRISE TO HIM...HE KNOWS THAT THIS IS HIS LAST YEAR TO GET HIS ACT TOGETHER.
Maybe you could give your son warning and then ease him into the adult world or maybe your x will...
Enabling my 19 year old.....I think 
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