DESPERATE!!!! ( x-wife thing) - Parenting Issues Message Board

msrivers · 02-05-2003, 10:16 AM

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. When we married his son was 6 and my two kidos were 14 months and a little over two years. I got along ok with his x before we got married. I was the drop off babysitter point for her. She said that I was just a 'phase' my husband was going through. Well, then we got married. She went BALISTIC!! She hated any time that I would spend with T, and she went out of her way say or do things to hurt my feelings. This almost 40 year old woman is consumed with her hatred for me.I have tried being nice and politem I have tried ignoring, I have treid just about everything.
T and I have a GREAT relationship. I am the one that he comes to to talk about his problems. He gives me hugs and kisses me on the cheek at LEAST a dozen times a day. I am lucky because we have true joint custody, she has him one week, we have him the next. There is NO primary caregiver. However, since my husband works full time, and so does his x, I spend more time with T than the both of them put together. The weeks he is at her house he spends roaming the streets or playing Grand Theft Auto on his ***********.
Now, to make matters worse, their first son is 22 and just had his first baby, (one night stand thing). The mom of the baby views me as a grandmother, I have absolutley NO problem with that. They have started calling me nana in front of this precious baby. The babies mom and I are close in age, and have alot in common. I think that the x feels jealous of this. I was there at the hospital for 20 hours while the mom was in labor. My stepson wanted to go so I brought him along. The x hated seeing T with me and she made tried to make it so T would hang around with her, well, T didn't want to and he spent most of the time with me. The next day after the baby was born I took all of the kids, including T, to see their new neice. I heard someone ask the x what part of the family I was to which she answered, "Oh, she's nobody" OUCH!
The I was supposed to pick up T from her house at 6pm. I called her to ask her if she could drop T off at the hospital since that was where we were ( 1/2 mile away) and she said no, I could come pick him up. Ok, no biggy. I told her I would be a few minutes late to pick him up then.
When I arrived at her house fifteen minutes later there was a note on the door saying they had gone to a particular restuarant. ( At this point we started the whole catch me if you can thing) I went over to pick him up, she said no, I said yes, her boyfriend called me a b**ch. I said ok, fine, I need to run an ewrrand, I'll be bak in half an hour, figuring that would give them enough time to get the food they had or0dered and T could just bring it home with him. So I went to do th eerrands, went back to the restaaurant to pick him up,they were not there, I drove to her house, they were not there, I drove to th ehospital thinking she might have gone there, then I went BACK to the restaurant,called my husband crying, he said come home, let her play her stupid game. On a whim I drove BACK to her house where they had just pulled into the drive and were walking into the house. I hate her games. I feel so worthless when I am around her, I know she is the bio mom, but why can't a step-mom be just as close to their step-children as they are to their own? I love T dearly, he may not be blood of my blood, but he is heart of my heart. Please help put this in perspective for me, I just don't know what to do except try to ignore her.

Lindarella · 02-05-2003, 01:39 PM

You sound like a wonderful, caring person. Don't let this woman and her games get to your mind.

My advise would be to see or speak to her as little as you can. She's never going to come around and think you're a wonderful person for taking such good care of her child. She's got some grudge up her butt that common sense can't budge... Sad isn't it, that people can't be more caring to the people who take care of their children?

When at all possible, have your husband do ALL the dealing with her. The exchanges of your s-son, the phone calls, everything.

If she pulls this chase game again, just go home. I think it may help you to remember when faced with "what should I do questions" is to try to always be the bigger person. To do the RIGHT thing, the mature and loving thing. The thing an ADULT would do. Sounds like you try very hard to please.

T will grow and grow fast. I'm sure you know that just by looking at your other children. Someday T will realize what happened during his childhood. He may not like his other mother for the way she behaved.

Your job here is to help raise T to be a kind, loving, productive and happy adult. Try hard to focus on giving to T and less on how she behaves.

And like I said, whenever possible, have your husband deal with her. Arrange pick up and drop off times that he can maintain.

Good luck to you.

Edit to add: I just reread your post and saw again the part where she said you were "nobody". Don't let that hurt you. People around you everyday can see how you behave and treat T. They're going to see HER for what she is. Someday people will say of you, "boy that woman put up with so much from T's mothers but acted in such a graceful and loving manner." Credit usually ends up where it's deserved. I'd have prayed for a step-mom like you for my kids...

[This message has been edited by Lindarella (edited 02-05-2003).]

mushroom1 · 02-10-2003, 12:10 PM

I am not a step-mom, so I don't know what that would feel like, but I am a mom. If my husband and I divorced and he remarried...I would not want my children or grandchildren to see her as their 2nd mom/grandmother. I would hope that she would keep a certain amount of distance out of respect for me.

If I ever became a stepmother, I would try to do the same. Imagine feeling like you are in a popularity contest with another woman (esp. younger) over your own children.

charby15 · 02-10-2003, 01:50 PM

Mushroom: that would be very selfish cause if you were a good mother you would want you kids to have a good relatioship with there step mother. She seems to take care of her step son more then the mother and father do. The child needs some stability. What is she suppose to do.... SOrry kid i am not your real mother so i can't love you like my own.... and while we are in the car after i pick you up we can't talk out of respect for your mother!!!!! Maybe you don't know anyone that is in a split home but what the children need is lots and lots of love. The only way a child would start callin there step mother mom is if the real mother isn't stepin up and doing what she needs to do....

mydog8mybrain · 02-10-2003, 07:29 PM

The ole brainless dog is reading between the lines here. Lemmie see - - - -
Your hubby has a son that is 22....... you are not that far apart in age from the birth mom........ your kids are 2 yrs and 14 mos (or were, anyway). YOU refer to his ex as a 40 year old........ so........ it appears to the old dog here that you are much younger than your husband (like, ummm.... y0ou were just a "phase" right?)

Heavens dear - -- - she's jealous! IN fact, I'll go one step further..... I'll bet that she is not only jealous, but that she feels threatened because you, my dear, are probably look like something off of the cover of a beauty magazine.

Hang in there. She's hit 40. That brings all kinds of wierd things out in women. She'll get over it in a few years.

Sorry you are in this spot. Of course, you could have a little fun with it all by making sure you look your absolute best anytime you are going to be in public with her. I had best hush now.

Bruce

------------------
Those parents that choose to dispense "tough love" to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.