Child split 50/50! - Parenting Issues Message Board

N2golf · 02-23-2003, 06:13 PM

How do you parent a child who spends equal amount of time with each parent if the parents absolutely do not get along? I have tried...really tried but my ex is not willing to co parent with me which makes it so hard on the child and me! If I say black...the ex says white. I'm just waiting for the day that my ex GROWS up and realizes the effects that it has on our child! Meanwhile, what do I do? I am the disciplinary one and the ex lets the child do whatever and when ever. (we are talking about a 13 year old)So, I look like the bad person and then my child says that she will just go live at her other house full time. I will not give in to that behavior, so I say that I will help her pack if she feels that way because I know that she is trying to get her way by munipulation. Am I doing the right thing? Sticking to my rules...is that such a bad thing? I just don't let her call the shots...she's only 13!

ffsmith · 02-24-2003, 10:05 PM

I believe you are right to stick to your rules.
At least the child has limits and rules half the time.

I would NOT say that you are going to help the child pack, when she says that she is going to live at the other house full time.
It does not sound like this is what you want, and I am not sure you would actually do it.
It is also a form of manipulation to make comments like that and it is kind of immature.

Instead TRY (in know it is hard) to explain the facts.
You are the parent. You have custody for certain amount of time (50%).
It is the parent’s job to raise their children the best that they can.
Part of this includes setting limits on a child’s behavior.
Setting limits on their life.
Being a role model for the child.
Guiding the child into adulthood.
Being loving and supportive.
Like it or not you are parent and are RESPONSIBLE for raising the child.
This gives you the AUTHORITY to set the limits and make the decisions.
You can even explain that sometimes you will make the wrong decision and will learn from your mistakes.
BUT the child is going to have to behave and act decently and live under your authority for 50% of the time.

Hopefully she will understand a little bit.

I have an Uncle in the same situation. He never had too many problems with his daughter, but the son did a lot of the same stuff as your daughter. At about 13-14 he stopped coming over to the father’s house even though he was supposed to be there half the time.
He did not have to live with the father’s rules.
He did not have to do chores.
He could set his own limits with the mother, and could hang with friends and play video games and stuff like that at the mothers house.

It did change a little when he graduated from high school. Of course his grades were not that great (no one made him study at all). He did not like or feel the need to work too much. Besides the grades, the money was not there for college or even any kind of training. (He could have at least made some money with the chores. Plus he would have a better relationship with the father.)
It was then after high school that the mother changed a little and asked the father for some help motivating the kid. And the kid finally when to the father.

They both did grow up just a little. And it was too bad that it had to happen that way.

N2golf · 02-25-2003, 05:42 AM

Wll I have to tell you that her other parent has endless money and what my daughter wants, she will get just in spite of me. The other parent does not care about the child, just cares about getting back at me which I feel THAT'S immature! As far as telling her that I would help her pack, I have been told by counselors to say that because she is the one trying to manipulate the situation and I was told that if I didn't give into it, it would be sending a message to the child that saying that won't work. I remember my mother also saying that to me and it worked! So, I feel that tell her that I would help her pack is the definately the right thing to do. No, I don't want her to live at the other home, but, in this situation, with the other parent like I've said giving her everything she wants out of spite to me, I feel that I don't have much of a chance having her stay with me because of my refusal to change or eleviate my rules.

msrivers · 02-25-2003, 11:08 AM

I feel for you. I truly do. My H and I are in the same situation. My step-son, 13, lives with us one week, then his mom the next. At our house there are limits, chores, homework, and he is the oldest of 4. At HER house there are NO rules, limits, chores, homework, and he is the only child. She has more money to spend on him thanwe do, (Obviously, with 4)He roams the streets while in her care, and we know where he is at all times while he is at our house. It gets VERY frustrating dealing with her. His grade of 27% in Science is a BIG deal to us, but to her it is "Just the way he is, why push it?"
I don't understand nor do I like this woman. She manipulates EVERY situation with her son, she hates me and does whatever she can to discredit me in front of my ss, and who gets hurt in the end? My ss. Luckily we have a very good relationship, and we have discussed the whole manipulation thing with him, and he understands the two VERY different homelifes. he of course knows that he can get/do whatever he wants at his mom's, and he knows he can't here. I know that SOON she is going to bringup the subject of him living with her full time, but that is NOT going to happen, ss doesn't want it too. My fear is that she will bribe him to live with her.
All I can say to your situation is stick to your guns, don't let her manipulate the situation, (your d), and be consistant. I hope this has helped somewhat. Good Luck.

N2golf · 02-25-2003, 12:06 PM

Msrivers,

Thanks for your input. You have a better situation than we do. Unfortunately, my daughter seems to think the "threat" of her going to live at the other house will change our rules. It won't. Although I do not wish for her to live at the other home, I am not willing to compromise my rules here otherwise, she will think the next time and the time after that, she can manipulate once again. I know that it is hard on any children to be split in half especially when the two homes are so different. That's so hard on a child and sometimes I think that tough love says to let her live at the other house so it wn't be so hard on her....so to speak. I don't know. This is really tearing my daughter apart.