AN ANGEL TODAY--THE FLIPSIDE THE NEXT - Parenting Issues Message Board

successtory · 03-06-2003, 01:30 PM

Hi everyone,

I am new to this board...but not to the HB. A quick overview of my situation. Two years ago I was injured at work and have suffered back problems since (has been taken care of, and all is going well now). At that time my children were boy (4) and girl (2). Life was non-existant for me. I couldn't stand the kids around only because they wanted me to pick them up, hold them and you know....loving things. I decided to get (painfully) down to them to give them their hugs and kisses. Well, after a year of that (let's not even get into the back spasm episodes my kids witnessed, nor their mommy crying from the pain--"but mommy..you never cry")--my back completely failed and I was bed-ridden for 2 months before they could get me into surgery.

I had lost my life as I knew it...but I REFUSED

to lose my family life as well. I turned my bedroom into a rumpus room. We (they) painted, colored, drew, and played Sega in there. The activities I proclaimed with them were: balloon toss (great exercise for one who cannot walk), watching movies, having bed picnics, and lots of snuggle-time. They flourished. Luckily...it was during the winter months, so inside activities were appropriate anyway. My daughter goes to day care (because I just couldn't handle 2 little ones in my condition) all day. It is my son that is having problems (again) lately.

Due to the financial burden of my back problems, we ended up in a very low-income neighborhood. We are caucasian and we were living in a 95% Hispanic neighborhood. I don't have a problem with that, if everyone could live together peacefully. The other thing is we have NO backyard NOR frontyard. The streets are where he must play--we are at the end of a circle. Things were going just fine for a while until my son wanted to play outside in the Spring (I had just had my back surgery)...not able to stand or walk for long (but at least I was walking again!). He kept coming home with bruises, scrapes and cuts--daily. He wouldn't tell me what happened nor who did that to him (he was NOT going to be a tattle-tail...he was a "big boy" now). The neighbors would come tell me he hit or kicked one of their kids or swore at them. There were many complaints. I took action wherever I could, sometimes simply keeping him with me was the best solution.

Then one day my son was playing with the other boys, I could hear them (that was my only way to "watch" him for the hours he wanted to play outside). It had gotten quiet for a few minutes, so I got up and went to the front door to see what was happening. My son came home really beaten up bad (he is only 6 years old--mind you). Another mother (the other of 2 only other caucasians on the street) was beside him walking with him to me. I came out and found out WHO was beating him up. She said she would stand by me as I confronted the parents...she did. No more problems since.

He has improved noticeably in school and his relationships there, as well as with the neighborhood kids (he has more restrictions out of necessity now), but all-in-all...he wasn't in trouble any more at school--for the ENTIRE school year! Until last week. He was playing in the playground and prolly had to pee, but didn't want to stop playing...bottom line, he didn't make it to the bathroom. My neighbor was home as I was at vocational rehabilitation and she brought clean clothes to him ... her DAUGHTER's clothes. They were sweat pants...but girl undies.

So....over the past 5 days of school, he has: punched a kid in the nose (bringing his dad down to the school), thrown wet papertowels on the bathroom ceiling, jumped 4 kids trying to cut in line at lunch, kicked a kid "just" sitting on a carpet, pulled down his pants (to his undies) and kicked a wall, and kicked and pushed a boy RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE PRINCIPAL. Oh...that was a beauty. yikes.

I discussed all of this with his teacher...she just could NOT understand why he was behaving this way so suddenly, he had been SO GOOD all year. After our talk, I could see complete understanding in her eyes as to all the things he was acting out in the last week. Not that anything is an excuse...but understanding is what I was after here. I think this worked....I just PRAY it sticks. He had a big, smiley face that came home yesterday stating he was great... all day.

What else can I do? Any suggestions here? I have also (since the last episode) made a mini-golf course out of a little patch of greenery in front of our door. My son LOVES golf....so only the kids that behave themselves are allowed to come and play. I've gotten a tetherball, and a basketball hoop too...all used and very old--but serviceable, and it keeps my son RIGHT WHERE I CAN SEE HIM at any time in the day. If I have to turn my back...I can hear him too. Do you know there hasn't been ONE incident since I started this new play area thing? Not one push. Not one swear word. Only lots and lots of laughter. Unfortunately, there isn't ONE hispanic either--I say unfortunately because I don't think we should segregate ourselves intentionally like this. But I feel like I must...for my child's sake and for his life. The other nationalities come over...from Jordan, Asia, Phillipines...and other places (I'm sure). But I am beginning to think it is the hispanic parents who are putting these bad deeds into their children's heads...that hurts my heart to think it so, but I am afraid it is true. Enough talking...I hope you all have a wonderful and glorious day!

successtory

momma2boys · 03-07-2003, 04:58 PM

Successstory, after reading your story I have to say I was very touched. You obviously are a great mom and Im sorry for your pain and financial burdens as well as your health problems. It must be so hard for you to have to see your child hurting and getting hurt, I have a 6 yr old son too, and not be able to go out there with them, etc. I think that maybe your neighbors just don't feel that they know you because of your inability to get out there. Maybe for your son they have a big brother program in your area? It may help him to have a guy taking him to do stuff and spend time with him. I take it that his father is not in the picture. I have to smile thinking of how cool they must think your bedroom is though!! I hope that things work out for you. Do you expect a complete recovery with your back so that things will improve? You sound like such a strong person, with no self pity or depression, only concern for your kids. Hang in there and I hope things look up for you and your kids!! Good luck.

successtory · 03-07-2003, 10:42 PM

Hi momma2boys,

I thank you. Unfortunately, I am now disabled (not fully, just partial)... and am retraining for a new career. You know... my body may be disabled, but my mind and heart are not. We will make it through all this with some effort. Their dad actually is in the picture. But he works all day, so it is dark by the time he gets home. Then I take care of my handicapped mom on Saturdays...so Sunday is our family day. There's never a problem on Sundays...

We have been doing the mini-golf course thing in the front...and it is quite popular with "our kids" now. They were disappointed we didn't have it set up today (I had to clean the house and couldn't be involved like I usually am) and I also wanted the poor grass to recuperate so we can play some croquet! Santa brought that for Christmas (hehe). Haven't had a chance to use it yet because (a) weather and (b) no grass. Now we have both.

He has been wanting to play croquet since December (constant Mom...can we play....mom...can we play?) oy!So one of the ways to make sure he behaves himself is to "be good" for 5 school days in a row. They use green, yellow and red cards indicating the type of day they had. My son hasn't had 5 days in a row of green cards for a while (it's usually a mix of green and yellow). He's had all red this last week. So I told him that he cannot have a croquet party until he gets 5 days in a row of green cards (only)...yellow doeesn't count. He is now working hard to make that happen. That is all I could think of to make him WANT to be good...besides, it's good for your character to work for something you want. It is a win-win situation (I HOPE).

I will look into the big brother thing too, I think that is a GREAT idea for him in the daylight hours Monday - Friday. Thank you so much.

Have a great day!

successtory

momma2boys · 03-10-2003, 07:51 AM

hi again, boy you certainly have your hands full! I hope someone takes care of you when youre not taking care of everyone else. My sons school does the same thing with the green, yellow, red!! I also am wondering maybe if your son has any allergies? I know food allergies in particular can cause behavioral problems. My son cannot have red dye or he has a "meltdown". Just a thought. well good luck , I hope you have lots of green card days. at least you have the weather, its freezing where I am.