Constantly fighting with pre-teen daughter. - Parenting Issues Message Board

mcd1123 · 03-12-2003, 10:52 PM

We fight about everything!!! From when it's time to take a shower to how much she thinks she should get PAID for chores and good grades. The mouth on this girl make me feel like ripping her teeth out one-by-one. Of course, I never would and she knows that. Grounding her, taking prividges away, even threatening to call police does nothing.

She is taller and stronger that me and my husband (whoe is disabled). She mouths off about everything and never takes any blame for any of the fighting. If we have a rule about homework and she breaks it. We are always the blame for it.

Help...I am afaid that if we don't get this under control soon, it'll be to late.

Thanks for you help...
Michelle

Marie55 · 03-15-2003, 08:45 PM

I sense that you are about to blow your top. Well, this comes with the territory of being a parent. It will take "calm", loving atmosphere to change things around.

If the parent blows off steam the daughter will do same. Try and keep converstion, discussions in normal tone voices. When she raises her voice, lower yours and see if it helps her to lower her voice some.

Preteen and teenagers have raging hormones and think they are much older than they really are. It will take patience plus to deal with them.

I am a firm believer that children should not recieve pay for doing chores as this is part of their responsibility of being part of the family. However, I do believe in setting up a list of things they can do in order to earn money. Such as wash the car, mow the lawn, wash windows, etc. Things other than daily things that all members of the family should pitch in to do.

It appears that she may not have respect for an authority figure. This is not good but kids do rebel against authority. Set rules that are reasonable but not too strict and insist they be followed. Kids at this age want to try their wings but they are not ready to fly alone.

Patience, patience, patience, patience, patience. It might be in order for both of you to see a counselor and help work out the problems between the two of you.

I can gurantee you that if things continue as they are now, the rage both of you have, things will only get worse and not better. Best to face problems now rather than suffering the consequences later down the road.

I am the mother of 5 adult children and had my share of rebellous kids in one way or the other.

Marie

LookingForHealth · 03-16-2003, 01:36 AM

if she wants to get paid for grades shed better bring home straight A's

she should realize that the payoff for good grades comes with getting accepted into a college and then getting a great job which will pay her well.

teenagers though like to take a lot of showers, and because i just got over this age, do not take that away. its like an escape for a teenage girl, a long hot shower and a bath etc. but if she leaves a soaking mess on the floor or takes longer than 25 minutes, have a way to turn the water to cold.

mcd1123 · 03-16-2003, 11:33 PM

Well, Sarah brought home a good report card, and for the first time she didn't expect to get paid. She has a great teacher that I talk to once a week. She knows the trouble we've been having with Sarah's behavior. Sarah missed the honor roll by 1 point. So, at the awards assembly, her teacher gave her a special P.A.T (principal and teacher award). Sarah brought EVERY SINGLE grade up at least one grade. We are soooooooooo proud of her.
She is finally seeing what a little hard work can do for her. Of course, when she works hard for school, so do I. This is great, because, we've found something to do together that makes her good about herself.
My husband is disabled and VERY ILL. I spend alot of time caring for his needs. As much as I try, unfortunately, the kids tend to suffer. Not only from my lack of time, but they are faced with a father that may not be here in a couple of years. Although he is doing better than a year ago, he is still on loads of pain medication. He is just not himself anymore. Sarah is affected the most I think. Most of the time, when she lashes out at someone, it's him. Maybe she thinks that the more she yells at him, the better chance he'll get mad enough to get up an punish her. That won't happen. Not only can he not get up on his own, but most of the time he gets confused about why she is mad.
Needless-to-say, I'm always in the middle.
Thanks for everyone's help!!!

Michelle

mlgable · 03-17-2003, 08:21 AM

Your daugher is probably scared to death of losing her father and also see that his illness takes away a lot of the time that you probably used to spend with her but can't any more because of your husbands illness. Have you considerd talking to your husbands case worker aka social worker and asking them to arrange for someone to come in to watch him one day a week for a couple of hours for you? Plan a couple hours every week for mother daughter time where the two of you just go off shopping or out to eat for lunch for some quality time alone together. Also find some time to sit down and talk to your daughter about how her dad's illness effects her. Also if your husband can do things yet like play checkers or chess or a card game let him offer to play a game with her or perhaps he can help with a tough homework assignment. Above all let her know that you understand how frustrating all of this is for her but let her know you are there for her too.