step children - Parenting Issues Message Board

l447 · 03-13-2003, 10:49 AM

i am in desperate need of help. I have a 9 year old step daughter that is driving me crazy. I also have a 9 year old of my own. My husband does not or chooses not to see what she is doing to our relationship. She is a spoiled, ruthless, deceitful girl. She does not want me in the picture, she is having trouble in school, getting along with the rest of the family, and continually tells her dad that all she wants is for her mom and dad to get back together. we have been married for 1 1/2 years, together for almost 6 years, not living together, but seeing each other that long.

Lindarella · 03-13-2003, 12:03 PM

Sorry you're going through such a bad time. Does she live with you?

Quote:

My husband does not or chooses not to see what she is doing to our relationship.

This is a problem. It doesn't appear as if a nine year old is ruining your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you need better communication skills with your husband. If you're talking and he's not listening, either he's choosing to ignore you or you're not making yourself clear enough. You're obviously unhappy about his daughters behavior. Does he always behave as if nothing is wrong when something is?

The most basic thing that parents do when correcting children is to present a united front. Since your step daughter knows that she can pull the wool over your husbands eyes, she will continue to do this.

If she lives with you, you need family counseling to help you both to understand the roles that each of you are going to play in raising both her and your other child. It's not easy. It's not just YOUR job. Actually it's mostly HIS job. If she doesn't live with you, then don't let her visit unless your husband can be around to supervise her 24/7.

A nine year old isn't the problem. It's the problem of two adults who can't communicate and come to some agreement.

l447 · 03-13-2003, 12:16 PM

she does lives with us as of 4 months ago, before that it was just visitation. She will not take no for an answer from me, if she doesn't like what i tell her, she goes to her dad and he has always just given in to her just so she doesn't just angry at him. it has always been that way since I have known them. I have even tried to talking to her mother(they were not married), and she said that she felt the same way I do now. She felt like an outsider because it was always just them two, no matter what she said or did, it caused her to have a nervous breakdown. The child was never disciplined by her father. If my child does something and gets punished, his child should also get the same punishment, but she doesn't. All my husband says is "Haley is different" she surely is!!!. I am to the point that I am ready to tell him to leave with his daughter.

Lindarella · 03-13-2003, 12:42 PM

No wonder she never married him huh?

Sadly the situation won't change without everyone coming to some kind of understanding. Will he go to family counseling? This would be your best bet.

It's pretty hard sometimes to blend families. It's really hard. Us adults don't always know what's right or whats healthy. A family counselor who specializes in step families is probably your best answer short of just chucking the whole thing. In the meantime. Try not to blame the daughter too much. She is a product of her environment. If her daddy has always "caved" then it's what she expects.

It's a problem of a bigger scope than just how your children behave. It's about control and communication and respect. Many things need to be learned by everyone involved. A counselor shouldn't take sides. A counselor can give you all a safe environment to say what you feel and come up with solutions that you can all live with.

I wish you good luck.

maybechel · 03-26-2003, 06:06 PM

There is a really great website/forum that is for stepparents if u are interested.
I did read on it a long time ago about disassociating or something from the stepchild. Can't remember exactly what it was called but do remember reading and downloading a thing about it (no longer have it though as computer got wiped). Is something to do with stepping back from the parenting of the child, will try to find out exactly what it is I am trying to think of.

[url="http://www.stepfamily.net/tc5/index.html"]http://www.stepfamily.net/tc5/index.html[/url]

this is the site. gives u some idea of what others put up with too so u don't feel so alone.

cheers,
rebecca