Where have I gone wrong? - Parenting Issues Message Board

Greenberry · 10-30-2002, 10:35 AM

I need some words of encouragement, PLEASE...I have a beautiful, healthy, extremely intelligent two year old daughter. She is a really great kid. Around the house, she minds me for the most part, helps me pick up her toys and generally behaves pretty well. But once we leave the confines of our house, she goes totally whacko and I am completely unable to control her. The only place we are able to go is to the grocery store, where she is at least confined to a shopping cart. Anywhere else is total mayhem. I took her to a Halloween party with a few other children (most of them a little older than her) a few weeks ago. I was unable to sit down for nearly 3 hours because she was into EVERYTHING in my friend's house (being 4 months pregnant, running non-stop for 3 hours was somewhat of a hardship). What's worse, the party was partially outside, after dark, and my daughter kept running off. The last straw was at the library today when she went totally nuts and I had to grab her and run to the car. In the two hours since, I have decided that we are NOT going to go anywhere except to family events where I can somewhat control things EVER AGAIN. I am afraid to discipline her (i.e., spanking, which is the only form of punishment that even makes any impression on her at all) in public for fear of being arrested for "child abuse," so what else can I do? She is way too young to understand a pre-event "pep talk" where I outline what I expect her to do. I have tried this on every occasion, even today before we went to the library, and it was totally uneffective.

I guess the bottom line is this...am I the only parent of a two year old who CANNOT leave the house with them? I hope not, but I have several friends with multiple toddlers who seem to take them everywhere, and it seems that I am the only one I know in this dilemma. AAAARRRRGGHHH!

lovelyme · 10-30-2002, 12:19 PM

I have kids that can go anywhere......now. See my daughter pulled the library thing at story time once when I was also 4or 5 months along and I waited until she was older and the baby was born so for about 6 months. Key thing is you have to do 2 main things. 1) As the mom/parent learn to partially let them just be a kid and this does not count when they are clearly doing something wrong. 2)Literally take them places like the park and such where they can blow off steam and just run. If ou are not outdoorsy start now because it works emmensly and after time it helps them keep their cool in public places and keep your stroller always handy for places like the library and parties even though she is 2. It is something familiar to them and though it should not be used to confine them it does help when you need to calm them from running and keeps you from chasing them all over. I have a 21 month old and 3 1/2 year old so chasing is sometimes my job, but it isn't like it used to be. I atribute most of the good behavior I get outside the home to being outside and everywhere alot. Don't get me wrong we spend a sufficient amount of time at home, but beng out more will break it. NOT LEAVING will worsen it by her never getting the chance to learn. I know it is tiring, but keep implimenting to her the same rules and make them apply wherever neccesary. Stick to the same phrases so not to be inconsistent. For example, "You may not run in the Aunt Sue's house because that is the rule. That's the rule at your house and you know that. If you run you are going to break the rule and need to be put in time out. Do you want a time out?" Of course they say no so you can go from there and of course this does not work immediatly, but keep the phrase or rule the same whatever the rule may be. I, personally, spank on the butt, however I try to use words over everything else and if all words fail I tell my kids that the "Little Kid Police" are watching and will come over and put them in time out if they don't listen to mommy. It makes them see that other people like authority figures as well don't appreciate them breaking rules. Plus when you instill it as a rule istead of your actual "want" (example: "I want you to behave") they mostly see it as you enforcing something that is just known as opposed to you personally (even though it is) bossing them. I think star charts work even at age 2. My 3 year old used one and if she obeyed and helped and shared then she got sticker on those days for those things she did and was rewarded and when not rewarded I could show her why she wasn't. Hope this helps.

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Marie

mlgable · 10-31-2002, 08:25 AM

When you child tends to misbehave or not mind when at a party or out in public let her know in terms she will understand that this is NOT acceptable behavior and that you will not tolerate it. Let her know what it is expected of her and warn her once or twice if she misbehaves or whatever. After a warning or two calmly tell her since she can't behave that you need to leave and then take her home. Do not stop anyplace along the way even if you planned on stopping for milk or something. Once she gets the drift that her behavior will not be tolerated and that she does have to mind when she is in certain places she will probably learn to follow your rules. By all means let her be a kid when the situation allows it but when in public she needs to know what is expected of her and what the consequence will be if she doesn't follow your rules. I have 2 kids 10 3/4 and many a time I have left a store with only part of my shopping done or my husband has taken the kids home from a restaurant while the rest of us finish a meal. My kids are 11 & 12 now but they know enough of what is acceptable behavior when in public because of this. Also one tip that might help other mothers of kids who tend to want to touch things in the stores...........when we were in a department that had breakables I came up with the of this is a "hands in your pocket store". This meant the kids had to put their hands in their coat pockets and were not to touch anything. They did need reminders at times while in those type of departments but all I had to say was "hands in your pockets" and they knew what that meant.

Magpiezoe · 10-31-2002, 11:51 AM

Hello, I have a set rule with my son. He always has to hold my hand where ever we go. If I have to use both my hands, I make him hold onto my clothes. I have also seen people use "kiddie leashes." I also have my son either bring a toy or help me when I go grocery shopping. He puts the produce in bags, helps me put things into the cart, reminds me of what I need to get, and we talk and sing lots. We sing the ABC song while we're standing in line. Now that he's 4, he packs my groceries. I used to make him a special shopping list when he was younger, it was pictures of things we needed cut out from flyers and pasted onto a piece of paper. I find the best thing that I can do is to involve my son in my shopping trip. You can even have your daughter look for certain colors and point out where she sees them. For example I would say, 'I see the color "red." Do you see it too?" As far as the day care situation, they have to know about separation anxiety.

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Magpie

Chelle1977 · 11-05-2002, 02:04 PM

There is a HUGE difference between spanking your child and beating your child. You are not going to be arrested for child abuse if you spank your daughter. I have a friend at work who always took her son to the bathroom to discipline him. You might consider that though it may make her think of the bathroom as a bad place and I'm guessing she isn't quite potty-trained yet.

You just have to be more firm with her than you are. Having children is no excuse to miss out on life. She needs to learn how to behave on excusrions and you have to teach her.