i feel like it's my fault - Parenting Issues Message Board

tdfreeman · 10-05-2003, 10:34 PM

I am a 24 yr old busy mother of a 3 yr old. Me and her father aren't married, but we will be soon. I go to school 2 nights a wk and on Sat. I also work full time mon-fri 8:00/5:00 and so does her father. He is in a band and practices on Sat. and Sun. at night. We don't have a lot of time for each other, but we try. We love each other very much. We also hold our baby girl in the highest regards and she means to world to both of us. I am guilty of "putting her in front of the t.v." a lot, but I don't think I've abused it. Recently, my future mother-n-law made a comment to me saying "she needs to get outside, you guys let her watch too much tv and don't spend enough time with her". This really hurt. I do so much with her, maybe not going to the park everyday, but we also live in an apartment, so it is hard to let her "go outside" to play. This past week, she has started acting out, at school, at home, at friends. I also feel I am very young, and I like to go out sometimes, not all the time. But recently, it has been kind of hard to avoid. Her father just had a birthday, we went out and left her at my mothers. The next night he played a show and she stayed at a neighbors till we got home, then I just went out with a friend to celebrater her 30th birthday and again she stayed at a neighbors and when I got back home, I found out she had destroyed my best friends make up, her sons bedroom (who by the way is 4 and her best friend) and pulled his hair for a toy and didn't mind the whole night. I believe in spanking, I haven't been doing it a lot. Me and her father have been trying to "talk" with her but I'm not sure she understands. I have cried all day. This weekend, me and her are to take a trip to meet her aunt (my sister) for the first time and I think it will do us good, but I am soo nervous. I want to believe that this is just normal behavior, but I can't help but feel it is my fault. Some one please give me some insight to help calm my doubts. I have been praying to god everyday that I get some peace.

Gabbi · 10-06-2003, 10:05 AM

It is not your fault, you and her father are doing your best to provide a good home for her. Maybe she is just acting out to get some attention. Believe me I am all for the parents taking time together and time for yourself, I do it too. I do try to make an effort once a week to go somewhere special, or maybe try to do it at least an hour a day, to do something special just with her, no distractions, no phone, no laundry, just get down on the floor and play. Try to give positive attention elsewhere, instead of negative attention towards these outbursts. Good luck, I"m sure you'll have a good trip with your sister, but kids will be kids!!

Gabbi

gillian30 · 10-06-2003, 11:37 AM

Absolutely, positive reinforcements are best. A negative attention getter like spanking will only make a strong willed child who seems already to be angry about something even angrier. Keep trying to talk with her at a level a 3 year old can understand. Also making a "play date" just for the two of you once a week can be helpful, and give you both time together to look forward to. Let her know and remind her frequently of the "date" so she'll have something positive to focus on throughout the week. Remember, by acting out she's probably not just misbehaving, she's trying to tell you something.

TeTr01 · 10-06-2003, 04:50 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself! You are young parents & you are doing the best that you can with what you have. Look at your situation, everything you do is necessary & it is obvious that you love your daughter & do what you can to give her the life she deserves.

I know just how you feel, my BF & I are 21 & have a daughter that just turned 2 yesterday. I work full time, go in from 9-5 & she stays with her great-grandmother (her daddy's gram) while I work. He also works full time & goes to school 2 times a week, so on Tues & Thurs he usually doesn't even get to see her except for right as she is going to bed to say goodnight! We try to bring her places that we know she loves, like Chuck E. Cheese, or the Children's Museum... but those things cost $$ & we don't always have extra to do that stuff! That is why the summer is so great, b/c we can go to the park that is free where she loves to run around & play on the stuff.

We usually spend the weekends at my BF's parents house & they love to see her so often, they are young (40 & 41) so they are still able to keep up pretty well

. They love watching her when we go out with our friends, but they like it even more when all of our friends just come over & hang out at their house. We usually have a fire out back & chill back there. My BF has 2 brothers, 18 & 13. We get along really well with the 18 year old & hang out together with all of our friends all the time. We love bringing our daughter out to hang around with everyone when it's nice & light out... but when it's dark & cold I'd rather her be inside (such a mom move, lol).

But I think that we are in the best situation we could be right now. We get to enjoy our wonderful daughter & still have the life of people our age. But I do agree, we feel that guilty parent feeling when we go out, even tho we know it's good for us! You are a mom & you are always going to get that feeling when you miss your baby - that's part of being a mom

!

Just remeber, as long as you are doing everything you can for your baby, that is what matters

!