Hubby and 11 1/2 year old son always butt heads - Parenting Issues Message Board

sawbuck44 · 10-06-2003, 02:01 PM

Does everyone believe this is true: "they are so much alike that's why they butt heads all the time." That's what people have told me about my situation. My husband gets along much better with my teenaged son and it's hard for my young one to see that. You don't want to deny a good relationship between those two. When my young son tries to get in on the fun, my husband usually ends up yelling at him for getting too rambuncious. I feel I have been a good "referee" between them, pointing out that certain situations occur because of miscommunication. My husband tells me that I'm always defending our son and I tell him, No, I'm just making you see that there is another side to this situation.

Case in point, yesterday we were shopping for a radio-control car - not the ones you buy in Kmart, but at a hobby shop. Mind you this is a Christmas gift but I hate shopping too close because what I usually want is not on the shelf at that time. Anyway, we were at the hobby shop and the car was over $70 off, plus the batteries and charger were also on sale. Here I am thinking I'm getting a good deal and we're all here as a family sharing this experience, all the while hoping that my husband will show an interest in this hobby that has the potential for them to "bond," and where is he? Fuming in the car because "when I was 11 I never would have thought of asking for a "toy" this expensive. UGGHHH! Now here is my son, what should have been an exciting purchase, even though he has to wait til Christmas (I'd rather now that they're older shop together and I get them a few "surprise" gifts). The moments showing their caring is few and far between. Here is how bad it's getting. My son ran to his room the other night screaming, "I'm going to kill myself!!" That was very hard for me to write because it's hard to really believe it happened.

Another issue is that my son takes percussion and currently has a snare drum. Now that he's in the middle school and interested in the jazz band, they tell him he should get a drumset. Again, I try to involve my husband, tell him we'll trade in the snare drum and get a starter set, could he stop by the place and take a peak at what my son and I saw. What does he say? Oh, some other time. We finally get him there, he agrees it's a good deal, yet when we get home he goes on a tyrant again about how he doesn't think it's necessary. Then he tells me to just do whatever by myself, he doesn't want to be involved. Wow, that really makes you feel warm and fuzzy doesn't it?

How do I get my family on the right track? We have our good moments but our bad times are starting to take over our lives. My oldest son is sad and mad about the situation, my younger son deals with the pressures by exasperating his brother - just by being too silly or annoying. How can I tell my oldest that his brother is reaching out to him for comfort and doesn't know any other way? I do try to explain things and comfort them when they need it.

I could go on and on

, but I'll wait for some responses and maybe I can get some fresh insight on this.
thanks for listening. Oh, and by the way, my husband will not go to counseling. I'm sure that some of you will suggest counseling and I agree. If things don't improve soon, I will take myself and two boys. My husband doesn't like counseling because he doesn't like anyone like that knowing our business. I would appreciate suggestions besides the counseling thing.

[This message has been edited by sawbuck44 (edited 10-06-2003).]

[This message has been edited by sawbuck44 (edited 10-06-2003).]

CCmakes3 · 10-06-2003, 08:20 PM

Wow, I could have written your post (with a few of the details changed). My hubby is also very stubborn, but he sounds more unpredictable than yours because he actually seems to alternate which son he gets along with. He has gone through "phases" where he has sort of "bonded" with each of our sons, but then they will do something to annoy him and he will switch favorites. I know what you mean about the counseling. I even tried telling my hubby that he was right and the rest of us were screwed up and he still wouldn't accompany me to counseling.

My only advice is probably what you are already doing -- making sure you spend a lot of time with your younger son and take a special interest in his interests. Let your husband know what is going on with him but don't insist that he be involved. Maybe if he feels like the pressure is off and the expectations are lowered, he will feel more like re-engaging with his son. Plus, eventually it is bound to drive him crazy if he thinks that you are your son's "favorite" parent.

Of course, this means that you will be very busy, because in addition to taking on the full responsibility for your younger son's activities/interests/feelings/ etc., you still have to maintain involvement with your older son so as not to give the impression of playing favorites. But hey, we are women, we can handle it!

I think both of your sons are old enough to handle a simple explanation about the situation, though. Tell them both (seperately, so as not to create pressure on their relationship) that sometimes parents just "get along" with one child better because they have similar (or different, or complimentary) personalities (whatever the case may be in your family), but that it doesn't mean they love the other child less. I think you need to address it because they both know it is there and to ignore it just lets a big cloud hang over the family. Your younger son might understand if you explain that dads often feel they need to spend more time with the older child because he will be leaving home sooner and dad feels responsible for teaching him certain things at this point. It doesn't have to be 100% true, but it just helps to offer some plausible explanations for your hubby's behavior. And your older son is definitely old enough to put himself in his brother's place and try to empathize with his plight, so I don't think it is out of line to ask him to do this. Tell him that his younger brother looks up to him, and since dad doesn't always have time for him, the brotherly relationship is so important.

Don't know what else to say, really, but if I come across a "magic bullet" that works for me, I'll let you know! Good luck!

Kre · 10-06-2003, 10:53 PM

You keep referring to "my son". Is this also your husband's son or is it children by previous marriage?

The younger son joins in the rough housing and is too routy due to wanting the same attention the older boy is getting. This is referred to as "negative behaviour" in order to get attention. Need to find a way for younger son to recieve positive attention from parents without having to resort to negative behaviour.

Make arrangements for each son to have dad alone doing something of interest together. Encourage your husband to realize that both boys need his attention in equal amounts and he should give it willingly. Each will have different interest but a dad can and should develop an interest in what each boy enjoys.

Drums in a home is another story. Yes, the boy needs to practice BUT the noise created within the home could be way too much. Do you have a basement that could be closed while your son practices drums? If not, find another location for drums to be kept for practice.

Your husband has a lot of growing up to do but it will take time and encouragement by you for him to see the ways he needs to correct. Flying off the handle and griping in front of kids is not the way to do it.

You probably need to find another approach in handling the problem so no feathers are ruffled and family peace is maintained.

It would be best for you and your husband in private "agree" on how much to spend for gifts and agree on what type gift you plan on giving. Then and only then do you go shopping. Springing a high priced item on husband/daddy is not the way to go.

sawbuck44 · 10-07-2003, 09:38 AM

Thanks CC, you actually brought tears to my eyes because it feels so good to have someone else truly understand the situation without making harsh judgements against any of the parties involved. Actually my husband is, I believe, jealous that our son has bonded well with me and not him. They both are at fault sometimes for the stress between them. Yes, the children are both ours and we've been together a LONG time.

I can't wait for the day when our son plays in the jazz band and can prove his father wrong that he wouldn't keep with it. The one problem with that is there are so many kids that want to be in jazz band I'm going to have to make sure that he really practices to make the cut.

I wish my husband would understand that if I didn't take the lead, the boys probably would never have: played baseball, done karate, had swimming lessons, gone to good summer camps, got into skateboarding and inline skating, just about everything they do I have set up. He just complains about the cost and how he never did anything when he was their age. He knows better than to say that. I tell him he should be proud that he can afford to have his boys involved in things that will help them grow as individuals.

I especially appreciate your advice on what to say to our oldest son.

Chin up!

sawbuck44 · 10-07-2003, 09:47 AM

Hey Kre, yep the boys are both of ours! When the youngest joins in on the wrestling and goofing around that the oldest and my husband are engaged in - it is not in a negative way. He just laughs more and gets sillier and my husband feels like he has to make him stop and "get ahold" of himself. Kind of puts a damper on the fun after that.

As far as the drums go, you cannot take private lessons and not have a set. We will be setting them up in the basement and getting pads to absorb some of the sound.

My husband knew that we were getting this rc car and how much it cost beforehand. He just wouldn't let go of the fact that he never had one. We're buying our oldest son an Xbox for Christmas and he hasn't complained about that at all and it costs the same amount of money as the rc car!

Well, keeping calm and open communications is the thing to do. Having them spend more one on one time is also a great idea. We've done that a few times.