Am I doing it all wrong??? - Parenting Issues Message Board

BigMomma24 · 10-13-2003, 08:58 PM

I love my 4 year old dearly, but there aren't nearly enough hours in the day where we get to spend time together. She spends a lot of time with my boyfriend, who has taken on the fathering role, since she has never met her real dad.

By the time I get home from work, get dinner ready, etc. it is late and my daughter has to go to bed. She acts out at this time, screaming, hollering, and throwing tantrums. I react by getting angry and punishing her. But nothing seems to work, because the next day will come, and something will completely set her off again.

It's not that she doesn't understand the consequences of her actions, because she tells us what will happen if she acts up. It's just happening so frequently that I'm getting SO frustrated. Do i take away all her priveledges continuously? Because it's my fault she acts up, and I know it's because she wants to spend more time with me. I can't give her more time- I have to work. But the only time we have together, she's acting up. AAAAAARGGGGG!!!! Any ideas?

momof3mjt · 10-13-2003, 09:18 PM

I am glad you realize that she is acting out to get your attention. You are doing that right! But if you continue to punish her for the behavior...she is going to keep acting out badly to get your attention. Negative attention is better then no attention.

Can I suggest letting her help you make dinner? Let her set the table, and stir the macaroni, and talk to her the entire time. Make it "mommy and me" time.
If it isn't possible for her to help, give her something to do in the kitchen, (color, playdoh, etc) that she can do while you are cooking. You can have a great conversation while you cook.

While dinner is cooking, or right after dinner, you have to find a way to make time for her. Positive time. It doesn't take much.

Right when you see her START to act up, grab a book and ask her to come read with you. Make sure you tell her that you like they way she is acting, BEFORE she acts up. And that because she was being good, you are going to do this with her. This will help her to realize that "hey, mom likes when I am good, and she will read to me if I am."
I tell my kids," I really like the way you put your plate in the sink" or, "I like how quiet you were while I talked to daddy" So now we are going to do this.....
Also try to get a routine going for her. Let her know what the routine will be. And stick to it. Every night. This way she knows that she has your undivided attention for this amount of time. It doesn't have to be long. A bath, a book and tuck in time only takes 20-30 minutes.
The KEY IS MAKING IT QUALITY TIME NOT QUANTITY TIME.

I know it is hard, I see it every day in my job. But you really don't want her to start acting out to get attention. You REALLY don't. lol lol lol

Good luck and I hope I have helped. Sometimes I feel like I am lecturing when I tell people this, but it really does work!
Lindy

BigMomma24 · 10-13-2003, 09:43 PM

I know that quality is better than quantity, but the problem I am having is that she is acting up with my boyfriend before I even get home, and I have to discipline her right when I walk in the door. By the time it's bedtime, she's a crying mess. I TRY my hardest to make the best of the few great moments we have together, but lately, it's getting difficult.

She wants me to read her stories and lie in bed with her, but if I stay in bed with her, she won't go to sleep and will be whiny in the morning. You see why it's hard for me? And I feel so much like a bad mom, because she acts up to get my attention. And u know what I do all day? I'm a preschool teacher!! So I hear whining all day long, and then to come home to a whiny toddler... sometimes I am a psychological mess.

Greenberry · 10-14-2003, 09:09 AM

I think that if she misbehaves, is blatantly defiant, etc., you have to punish her for that. My daughter is VERY stubborn and hard-headed and I just have to keep battling until she finally gets it. You have to keep providing proper guidance and discipline and hope it takes. I agree with distraction--if you can get her involved in helping or some other activity it can head off a blow-out, but that doesn't always work. Positive reinforcement is great, but it can only be used when something positive is going on. It seems like I do a lot of discipline/punishment myself, but that's just a fact of parenting. No one likes being the "big meany" but sometimes you have to do it.

I also have to disagree on one point--"quality time" is somewhat of a myth. You can't force quality time. Quality time is achieved by having quantity time. You can't just give a child 30 minutes a day and consider yourself a great mom. This is not to beat you up, but it's a fact that most people overlook in parenting. They think if they have a few fun interactions during the day they are doing a great job, but I don't think that's true. Is it possible for you to make more time for her? Young children need time and attention and consistency from their parents more than anything.

gillian30 · 10-14-2003, 11:10 AM

Go ahead and do the reading together at night, it's not going to hurt and may just help! That would be such a special time for the two of you, and is so important to make time for anyway. Try really hard not to repremand as soon as you walk in the door...then she will see you as the parent who is all about discipline and nothing else. A later bed time may also be a good idea; this will give the two of you more time together.