Hug Therapy (looking for an alternative to yelling or fighting) - Parenting Issues Message Board

Want 2 B Well · 10-16-2003, 08:02 AM

Hi all!
I wanted to share this with you folks. Everyone here is great on these boards and I'd thought I would share this "punishment" I have developed, specifically for my 12yodd.
It works for us. I call it "Hug Therapy".

I developed it a couple of years ago because my then 10yodd & I were having screaming fights. She is a handful and always has been. You see we would fight (over everything) and then over time I realized she was becoming depressed, anxious because the fighting was intense. She is/has always been one of those "difficult" children.
So when she "started whining, complaining asking for things she knew was a no, etc...", I would be calm and then HUG her.
Oh she ran away, she still does. Lets face it she is mad. I would chase her down at first and force hugs on her.
It has been 2 yrs since I started this and now that she is a preteen I am so glad I did it. She is happy, and she now says she loves me and hugs me for no reason.
Yea, of course I don't do it everytime but I do it when I "know" it is necessary. (You know, when they try to suck you into a pointless arguement or they had a bad day and try to pick a fight with you).
It is kinds the same philosophy as comforting a toddler or women "venting" to their husbands and just want to be comforted not preached upon.
Anyway I thought I would share this because it has made our family life better, not perfect, but better.
Jeannine

sawbuck44 · 10-16-2003, 01:49 PM

Want 2 B Well, thank you for sharing this story of inspiration. We also have a very loud and intense household. Finally the other night I said to everyone, we know we are loud, but we love each other. Sometimes we can't take it too personally when someone is loud because they really don't mean what we think they do - they are just being a little anxious. When this happens, instead of escalating the situation we try to lighten it up with laughter. There is almost always something to make a joke out of in those situations. We also do group hugs when we've realized that the shouting that just occurred really hurt us all. Hugs work. I recommend them too! I use the same technique you do with your daughter with my youngest son and it really does help.

One thing my husband used to do when the boys were small (moreso with the older one so maybe that's why the youngest is still hard to handle). When our oldest son was crying or aggravated about something, my husband would sit him on his lap and hold him in a gentle bear hug. My son would squirm and cry and want to get down. His crying would reach a pinnacle all the while my husband would talk calmly to him and tell him everything's okay, calm down. I have to say that while this was happening I wanted to grab my son off my husband's lap. But, curiousity took over and I just watched it play out. After about 5 long minutes, our son would stop crying and have a normal conversation with my husband- not just about what happened but about anything. Before our son got off his father's lap, he was smiling and comforted. Interesting...

[This message has been edited by sawbuck44 (edited 10-16-2003).]